SINGLE ISSUE POLITICS: Thanks to Bridget Jones, Unmarried Women Are
By Vicky Allan
There's a telling scene in Bridget Jones's Diary. Invited round for dinner, the only single female among a group of "smug marrieds", Bridget (played by Renee Zellweger) is asked why young women like her are still single. She snaps back, "because we may seem normal to you but underneath our clothes we're covered in scales". It says a lot about how women have traditionally been perceived, as alien life- forms, their singledom a disfiguring disease. One British MP in 1922 even said: "A woman alone is an atrocity! An act against nature. Unmarried women pose grave danger to our civilisation."
According to Helen Fielding, when she first created the fictional character of Bridget Jones in a column in The Independent in 1995, "the only word to describe a single woman in her 30s was spinster".
Fast forward to 2004. The Bridget Jones phen-omenon has been wildly successful, spawning two best-selling novels and two films, the second of which, The Edge Of Reason, is out this Friday. Its cultural impact is such that a new epithet has entered the lexicon, "singleton". Yet this word describes a woman who is warm and friendly - not to mention awash with booze and fags. In a matter of years, Fielding's anti-heroine has become, despite her neuroses, an almost aspirational state. Now, as many "smug marrieds" quiver with envy as cluck with sympathetic dismay.
But how much impact has her fictional creation really had on the image of the single woman? For Jenny Colgan, author of a series of chick-lit novels, the mark is indelible. "Women now say, 'Oh, I'm such a Bridget.' But that makes it hip too. It implies you have a lot of fun, cocktails and hip friends. I don't think Bridget's a sad character at all really - whenever she gets depressed she just has a fag and some chocolate and thinks about something else."
Not everyone sees her impact as positive. Yvonne Roberts, the feminist writer who coined the phrase "feminism was not about joining the system but changing it", sees Bridget as a "joiner", one who has taken on bachelor characteristics - for example, smoking to be cool and liberated - to fit in with established norms. Meanwhile her view of relationships and what it means to be a woman is illiberal. "I wish she had changed how we view single women," Roberts says. "But it's the same story. Bridget still gets her man, still worries about being fat."
Of course, part of the Bridget Jones phenomenon was that she was not a feminist ideal, but rather a woman struggling to deal with the many pressures and contradictory aspirations of our times. As Fielding as confessed, Bridget was a zeitgeist thing, ripe for being explored fictionally. Ally McBeal, for instance, was her counterpart on the other side of the Atlantic.
Bridget is undoubtedly one of an expanding social group. "One in four households are single," read one of her Diary entries, "most of the royal family are single, the nation's young men have been proved to be unmarriageable, and as a result there's a generation of single girls, like me, with their own incomes and homes who have lots of fun and don't need to wash anyone else's socks." Since then, times have changed: now one in three households are single. Projections for 2021 suggest half the women between 30 and 44 will never have been married. This is not a sad state of affairs. Women will have taken this route out of choice not pressure (it has often been demonstrated in surveys that the happiest groups of people are married men and single women). It's not that these women are desperate to be married, rather that they have chosen the single life and are having trouble giving it up - regardless of what Bridget's uncle Geoffrey refers to as the "tick-tock-tick-tock" of the biological clock.
Traditionally, women were the driving force behind getting men to commit. Now, with so many opportunities, they are just as likely to be slamming on the brakes as putting their foot on the gas. There are almost as many female commitment-phobes as there as male. Indeed, Bridget, for all her desperation, often appears to be one herself. In spite of her life seeming to revolve around her search for a Prince Charming, she seems attached to her singleton existence in the bosom of her "urban family": Shazza, Jude and Tom. The pressures towards marriage are exterior, from her family; she herself has her doubts. "If you'd asked tonight," she says at one point in The Edge Of Reason, "the answer would have been, 'no'". There is as much of a skittish pull away from the aisle as there is propulsion towards it. As Mariella Frostrup, former It-Girl turned agony aunt, puts it in the book of her columns, Dear Mariella: "The only difference between women and men is terror of commitment is one emotional state men aren't afraid to admit to. Women, on the other hand, are suffering a sort of mass delusion. The modern Ms pretends all she wants is a stable relationship and then does everything in her power to avoid it."
Of course, many singletons are anxious about their state and, naturally, aspire to finding love. For Jenny Colgan, herself now married, this is more about a fear of living alone than of being left on the shelf. "It's the concept of being discovered dead at home eaten by Alsatians. I don't think this is just a woman's thing. Single men think that too. It chimes with the fact more and more people live on their own." In other words, men have anxieties too. The stereotypes of chick-lit and lad-lit are achingly similar: that women are insecure and desperate and men are just simply insecure. There are, as Tony Parsons put it in one of his columns, as many Brian Joneses out there as Bridget Joneses.
As politically incorrect as I wanna be.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
To Single Women: Men. Don’t. Change.
To Single Women: Men. Don’t. Change.
By John Shore
If you’re a single woman, can you think of anyone from whom you’d be better off taking relationship advice than a middle-aged man you don’t know from Adam?
You can’t? Me neither! Great!
So here’s what I’m thinking: Being a guy means I know guys. And there’s one critically true thing about guys that all women learn sooner or later–and that you should definitely learn sooner, which is where I come in. And that truth is that men don’t change. You cannot change a man.
Anything that you say or do in hopes of changing a man is positively destined to fail.
If you’re thinking about marrying a man, realize now that he is who he’s going to be. If there are things about your potential life-mate that you don’t like — little habits, personality quirks, major behavior tendancies — you need to ask yourself whether or not you can live with those things. If the answer’s no, then move on to Bachelor Number Three, because Bachelor Number One isn’t your guy.
You need to find a man you love exactly as he is.
Which can seem tricky, because who is perfect?
But here’s the thing about that. Relative to whatever it is about any given guy that you think is a problem, ask yourself this question: Is that thing a matter of values, or taste? If he’s behaving in a way that runs contrary to your values, then that’s a serious issue. But if it’s only a matter of taste–of preference, of just, when it comes right down to it, of him doing things differently than you do – then that’s a whole other deal. That’s something you need to think about in a different way than you do things he’s doing or saying that are incompatible with your core life values.
A value difference? That could be a deal breaker. A style difference? That probably shouldn’t be.
For instance, let’s say you love a guy, but don’t like the fact that he rides a motorcycle. Is his riding a motorcycle a value issue? If not (and it doesn’t seem to be: knowing a man rides a motorcycle tells you nothing about his character), then you need to decide whether or not you’re okay with him riding a motorcycle. Because you’re in love with a man who does ride a motorcycle. That’s who he is. There isn’t a different man inside of the man you love who doesn’t ride a motorcycle, a man that you can somehow get to replace the man you know.
Your man rides a motorcycle. And though it sounds harsh to say, insofar as his riding a motorcycle is a problem, it’s your problem, not his. There’s simply nothing you can do to change the fact that he rides a motorcycle. You need to either be okay with his riding a motorcycle, or you have to say it’s too much, and be ready to leave him over it.
The choice you can’t make, though — or can, of course, but really, really shouldn’t make – is try to change what is your problem into his problem by complaining about it, or trying to make him feel guilty about it, or (even) crying about it. Sure, at the time you do those things a guy may respond to the emotionality of the moment by saying (and perhaps even believing) that he will change — but he won’t. Because once the drama has cleared, something inside of him (which he may not even consciously register) is going to reassert itself, and begin telling him that you don’t actually have a right to tell him who and how he should be. And that’s going to put him right back on the path he was on when you first met him, the one he’s been on all his life.
What so often happens, of course, is that after you’ve made a Big Point of trying to change your man, he’ll come to think: “Hmm. [Your name here] doesn’t like me riding a motorcycle. But I’ve always ridden a motorcycle; I love riding a motorcycle. I have no choice but to keep the fact that I ride a motorcycle away from [you]. That way she’ll be happy, and I’ll get to keep being myself. I certainly don’t like deceiving her, but what choice has she left me? I love her, and want her to be happy. She’s made it clear that the only way she’s going to be happy is to believe that I don’t ride a motorcycle. So I can’t let her know I do. It’s not so much that I’ll be lying to her; I just won’t be telling her something she’s told me she’d rather not know anyway. Cool. That works. Are we out of ham?”
And there you’ll be, stuck in that nasty little loop so many couples do get stuck in, where the woman’s either constantly nagging at her man to stop doing something he keeps doing anyway, or is sometimes being deeply upset at discovering that her man’s been lying to her about something he’s been doing all along that he’s not “supposed” to be doing at all. You know how that resentment-acting out cycle goes. Everyone does; we’ve all seen or lived it. It’s awful.
Avoid it now by realizing that when it comes to a relationship partner, what you see is what you get. If you love your man, then love all of your man, or be clear on the fact that you’re signing up for more trouble than you can possibly want. Men aren’t homes women (or anyone else) can redecorate to suite their taste. They come as is.
If you try to change your man you will, in effect, become his mother. That’s a role you do not want to substitute for “wife.” And if you believe anything in this world, believe that if you turn into your man’s mother, he will turn into your son. Tell him he needs to eat more vegetables, and as sure as the day is long, he’ll start sneaking pizza.
Life’s too short. You want a man, not a boy. Successful relationships are built on respect, not the kind of co-dependant, mutually dyfunctional craziness that necessarily grows and develops whenever one person in a relationship is convinced that they always know what’s best for the other person in that relationship. Women shouldn’t act like that toward their men; men shouldn’t act like that toward their women.
If you think you’re in love with someone, you’re not. When you’re in love with someone, you know it. And one of the ways you know you’re in love with someone is that nothing that person does or says ever really bothers you at all.
(By the way: I’m not saying men can’t change; of course they can. I’m saying that you can’t make your man change — or predict when he’ll change, or how, or why. People only change from the inside out, never from the outside in.)
Remember: Love means never having to say they’re sorry.
By John Shore
If you’re a single woman, can you think of anyone from whom you’d be better off taking relationship advice than a middle-aged man you don’t know from Adam?
You can’t? Me neither! Great!
So here’s what I’m thinking: Being a guy means I know guys. And there’s one critically true thing about guys that all women learn sooner or later–and that you should definitely learn sooner, which is where I come in. And that truth is that men don’t change. You cannot change a man.
Anything that you say or do in hopes of changing a man is positively destined to fail.
If you’re thinking about marrying a man, realize now that he is who he’s going to be. If there are things about your potential life-mate that you don’t like — little habits, personality quirks, major behavior tendancies — you need to ask yourself whether or not you can live with those things. If the answer’s no, then move on to Bachelor Number Three, because Bachelor Number One isn’t your guy.
You need to find a man you love exactly as he is.
Which can seem tricky, because who is perfect?
But here’s the thing about that. Relative to whatever it is about any given guy that you think is a problem, ask yourself this question: Is that thing a matter of values, or taste? If he’s behaving in a way that runs contrary to your values, then that’s a serious issue. But if it’s only a matter of taste–of preference, of just, when it comes right down to it, of him doing things differently than you do – then that’s a whole other deal. That’s something you need to think about in a different way than you do things he’s doing or saying that are incompatible with your core life values.
A value difference? That could be a deal breaker. A style difference? That probably shouldn’t be.
For instance, let’s say you love a guy, but don’t like the fact that he rides a motorcycle. Is his riding a motorcycle a value issue? If not (and it doesn’t seem to be: knowing a man rides a motorcycle tells you nothing about his character), then you need to decide whether or not you’re okay with him riding a motorcycle. Because you’re in love with a man who does ride a motorcycle. That’s who he is. There isn’t a different man inside of the man you love who doesn’t ride a motorcycle, a man that you can somehow get to replace the man you know.
Your man rides a motorcycle. And though it sounds harsh to say, insofar as his riding a motorcycle is a problem, it’s your problem, not his. There’s simply nothing you can do to change the fact that he rides a motorcycle. You need to either be okay with his riding a motorcycle, or you have to say it’s too much, and be ready to leave him over it.
The choice you can’t make, though — or can, of course, but really, really shouldn’t make – is try to change what is your problem into his problem by complaining about it, or trying to make him feel guilty about it, or (even) crying about it. Sure, at the time you do those things a guy may respond to the emotionality of the moment by saying (and perhaps even believing) that he will change — but he won’t. Because once the drama has cleared, something inside of him (which he may not even consciously register) is going to reassert itself, and begin telling him that you don’t actually have a right to tell him who and how he should be. And that’s going to put him right back on the path he was on when you first met him, the one he’s been on all his life.
What so often happens, of course, is that after you’ve made a Big Point of trying to change your man, he’ll come to think: “Hmm. [Your name here] doesn’t like me riding a motorcycle. But I’ve always ridden a motorcycle; I love riding a motorcycle. I have no choice but to keep the fact that I ride a motorcycle away from [you]. That way she’ll be happy, and I’ll get to keep being myself. I certainly don’t like deceiving her, but what choice has she left me? I love her, and want her to be happy. She’s made it clear that the only way she’s going to be happy is to believe that I don’t ride a motorcycle. So I can’t let her know I do. It’s not so much that I’ll be lying to her; I just won’t be telling her something she’s told me she’d rather not know anyway. Cool. That works. Are we out of ham?”
And there you’ll be, stuck in that nasty little loop so many couples do get stuck in, where the woman’s either constantly nagging at her man to stop doing something he keeps doing anyway, or is sometimes being deeply upset at discovering that her man’s been lying to her about something he’s been doing all along that he’s not “supposed” to be doing at all. You know how that resentment-acting out cycle goes. Everyone does; we’ve all seen or lived it. It’s awful.
Avoid it now by realizing that when it comes to a relationship partner, what you see is what you get. If you love your man, then love all of your man, or be clear on the fact that you’re signing up for more trouble than you can possibly want. Men aren’t homes women (or anyone else) can redecorate to suite their taste. They come as is.
If you try to change your man you will, in effect, become his mother. That’s a role you do not want to substitute for “wife.” And if you believe anything in this world, believe that if you turn into your man’s mother, he will turn into your son. Tell him he needs to eat more vegetables, and as sure as the day is long, he’ll start sneaking pizza.
Life’s too short. You want a man, not a boy. Successful relationships are built on respect, not the kind of co-dependant, mutually dyfunctional craziness that necessarily grows and develops whenever one person in a relationship is convinced that they always know what’s best for the other person in that relationship. Women shouldn’t act like that toward their men; men shouldn’t act like that toward their women.
If you think you’re in love with someone, you’re not. When you’re in love with someone, you know it. And one of the ways you know you’re in love with someone is that nothing that person does or says ever really bothers you at all.
(By the way: I’m not saying men can’t change; of course they can. I’m saying that you can’t make your man change — or predict when he’ll change, or how, or why. People only change from the inside out, never from the outside in.)
Remember: Love means never having to say they’re sorry.
Give Me Beef!
Give Me Beef!
By Kenny Luck
Every Man Ministries
When you go to Outback Steakhouse, you can order the coconut shrimp, or a salad. But is that why a man goes to Outback Steakhouse? A seasoned, seared steak is why I go. That’s their signature. That’s what a steakhouse is known for, and that’s why I put my name in, wait for a table, and lay down an Andrew Jackson when I’m done. Nothing against veggies, but it’s definitely not for the salad.
If "God’s man" is your identity—your signature, to borrow from our Outback Steakhouse analogy—then the main characteristic your spiritual life hangs on is one thing: faith expressed through obedience. This was the test for Adam in the Garden. This was the issue when He told Noah to build the boat. This was the gauntlet for Abraham when God asked him to leave home and "go to the land where I show you" with no clue where that was. It was the issue with Moses bringing Pharaoh a message from his Maker. Obedience was the issue when Joshua and God’s people crossed the Jordan River. Not taking God at His Word was King Saul’s flaw but was King David’s strength (mostly). The legacies of the Kings in the Old Testament were based on whether they did evil or good "in the sight of the Lord" during their reign. You get the picture. You can look like a duck but if you don’t waddle and quack, you are a decoy.
Actually, I often need this reminder myself: I know way more than I obey. I'm far more educated in what I need to be thinking and doing than I actually pull off in my real time, day-to-day choices. So my goal, and the goal of every "God's man," is to close that gap as best as he can. King David got pretty far on this one when other men fell short (King Saul in this case). God described him this way, compare and contrast style:
"After Saul had ruled forty years God removed him from office and put King David in his place, with this commendation: ‘I have searched the land and found this David, son of Jesse. He’s a man whose heart beats to my heart, a man who will do what I tell him’” (Acts 13:22, MSG, emphasis mine).
What does God like to see most in us when He speaks into our lives? Inner agreement matched by prompt obedience. If we’re known for anything, it should be for our willingness to respond to God’s direction in the face of great personal risk. It’s easy to obey in our pleasures but it’s not so easy in our pains. The real measure of God’s man is: Will you do what God tells you to do, even when it means losing:
money,
a relationship,
a good feeling,
a secret,
a job opportunity,
your image at church,
friends,
possessions,
a dream,
control over the outcome,
or simply your way?
Loss for the sake of loss is stupidity. But suffering a loss, real or imagined, for obedience to Christ is faith at its very best. The reason God loves prompt obedience is that it exposes the authentic God’s man from the synthetic poser.
"We know that we have come to know the Lord if we obey his commands. The man who says, ‘I know him,’ but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word, God’s love is truly made complete in him” (I John 2:3-5).
Heavy words. That's why it's called beef. Think about 'em.
Your brotha,
Kenny
Kenny Luck is the Men's Pastor at Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California. He is also the Founder and President of Every Man Ministries which helps churches worldwide develop and grow healthy men's communities. Please visit www.everymanministries.com for more information.
By Kenny Luck
Every Man Ministries
When you go to Outback Steakhouse, you can order the coconut shrimp, or a salad. But is that why a man goes to Outback Steakhouse? A seasoned, seared steak is why I go. That’s their signature. That’s what a steakhouse is known for, and that’s why I put my name in, wait for a table, and lay down an Andrew Jackson when I’m done. Nothing against veggies, but it’s definitely not for the salad.
If "God’s man" is your identity—your signature, to borrow from our Outback Steakhouse analogy—then the main characteristic your spiritual life hangs on is one thing: faith expressed through obedience. This was the test for Adam in the Garden. This was the issue when He told Noah to build the boat. This was the gauntlet for Abraham when God asked him to leave home and "go to the land where I show you" with no clue where that was. It was the issue with Moses bringing Pharaoh a message from his Maker. Obedience was the issue when Joshua and God’s people crossed the Jordan River. Not taking God at His Word was King Saul’s flaw but was King David’s strength (mostly). The legacies of the Kings in the Old Testament were based on whether they did evil or good "in the sight of the Lord" during their reign. You get the picture. You can look like a duck but if you don’t waddle and quack, you are a decoy.
Actually, I often need this reminder myself: I know way more than I obey. I'm far more educated in what I need to be thinking and doing than I actually pull off in my real time, day-to-day choices. So my goal, and the goal of every "God's man," is to close that gap as best as he can. King David got pretty far on this one when other men fell short (King Saul in this case). God described him this way, compare and contrast style:
"After Saul had ruled forty years God removed him from office and put King David in his place, with this commendation: ‘I have searched the land and found this David, son of Jesse. He’s a man whose heart beats to my heart, a man who will do what I tell him’” (Acts 13:22, MSG, emphasis mine).
What does God like to see most in us when He speaks into our lives? Inner agreement matched by prompt obedience. If we’re known for anything, it should be for our willingness to respond to God’s direction in the face of great personal risk. It’s easy to obey in our pleasures but it’s not so easy in our pains. The real measure of God’s man is: Will you do what God tells you to do, even when it means losing:
money,
a relationship,
a good feeling,
a secret,
a job opportunity,
your image at church,
friends,
possessions,
a dream,
control over the outcome,
or simply your way?
Loss for the sake of loss is stupidity. But suffering a loss, real or imagined, for obedience to Christ is faith at its very best. The reason God loves prompt obedience is that it exposes the authentic God’s man from the synthetic poser.
"We know that we have come to know the Lord if we obey his commands. The man who says, ‘I know him,’ but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word, God’s love is truly made complete in him” (I John 2:3-5).
Heavy words. That's why it's called beef. Think about 'em.
Your brotha,
Kenny
Kenny Luck is the Men's Pastor at Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California. He is also the Founder and President of Every Man Ministries which helps churches worldwide develop and grow healthy men's communities. Please visit www.everymanministries.com for more information.
Settling for Less Than the Best
Settling for Less Than the Best
By Dr. David Hawkins
The Relationship Doctor
Don’t say you haven’t done it. I won’t believe you. All of us are guilty of settling for less at some time in our lives.
Yep, we’ve all done it, shaking our heads in confusion the whole time. With that gnawing feeling in the pit of our stomach, we rationalize our situation, knowing we’re treading water, or slowly sinking.
You know the routine. You’ve been dating a guy for a year and a half. He’s nice enough, your friends and family like him, but, like a stale piece of gum, the zip isn’t there.
Perhaps you’ve got a different problem. You’re dating a guy who not only has spark, you have to take a fire extinguisher along on dates to keep the flames under control. But, besides being incredibly irresistible, he’s hopelessly irresponsible.
Again, you settle. Your gut says it’s time to move on, but you question yourself. You really want to move on, but you rationalize the situation.
“He’s not that bad.”
“I kind of like being with him.”
“There are good times with the bad.”
“He tells me I won’t find anyone like him.”
In any case, you’re wasting your time. Precious time. Clock-ticking, second-counting, life-wasting time.
I have a friend who offered the following advice:
“David,” he said in his fatherly voice, “I keep track of how many hours of life I have left, assuming I live to be eighty-two. I want to remind myself that every hour, every minute of life is precious. I want to remind myself not to waste time doing anything that is not best for me.”
Wow! Is that ever a reality check!
I received a phone call the other day from a former client. At first I was concerned when I heard Gini’s voice, knowing her previous situation. Sounding animated and excited, I knew something had changed.
“You remember where I was a year ago,” Gini began. “I was stuck in a relationship that was going nowhere, with a man I cared about but who abused me with his control tactics. I couldn’t breathe unless I asked permission.”
“Yes, I remember your situation, Gini,” I said.
Before I could respond further, Gini continued sharing her insights.
“I was too insecure, Dr. David. I was afraid I wouldn’t find anyone better. My friends had warned me about setting my standards too high. I was afraid they were right, and so I settled.”
“Fear stops us from really listening to our hearts,” I added. “Deep inside I think we know the truth. And God keeps sending us messages, but it’s scary to follow the truth of our hearts.”
“Well, I finally left Jim. You probably knew it was going to happen, and after I quit counseling I finally did it. Leaving Jim was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. He didn’t make it easy to leave him, that’s for sure.”
“So, have things changed?” I asked curiously.
“Yep. I finally recognized some important truths,” she said warmly. “As long as I wasted time with Jim, I missed other opportunities to find the love of my life. As long as I was with Jim, my self-esteem was always going to take a beating. I was caught in a vicious cycle of doubt, fear, more control and then more doubt. I had to get to the point where it was too painful to stay.”
“You were certainly fed up a number of times when we worked together,” I reminded her. “But, there were some good things you didn’t want to lose in the relationship.”
“Well,” she added, “that’s true. There were good things, and I missed some of them for a while after I left him. But, I’ve got to tell you what’s happened in the past several months.”
“I’d love to hear what’s happened,” I said, encouraged and excited to hear her news.
“Since I had the courage to leave Jim, I met a man who’s a perfect mate for me. We’ve been dating about nine months and we’re getting engaged soon. He attends a new church I’ve been attending, and loves my kids. He’s not controlling and loves me for who I am. I never would have met him if I were still dating Jim. So, I just wanted you to share in my happiness.”
“I’m so pleased for you, Gini,” I said. “You deserve the best and I’m glad you found it.”
“I have a favorite verse that helped me during the rough times. ‘For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and of a sound mind.’ It’s really helped me.”
“God will help us be courageous, Gini.”
“There’s one more thing, Dr. David.”
“What?”
“Tell everyone you know not to settle for anything less than the best. Not only will they be unhappy, but they’re missing out on God’s absolute best for them. And time’s wasting.”
“I’ll tell them, Gini. Don’t settle for less than the best.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
David Hawkins, Pd.D., has worked with couples and families to improve the quality of their lives by resolving personal issues for the last 30 years. He is the author of over 18 books, including Love Lost: Living Beyond a Broken Marriage, Saying It So He'll Listen, and When Pleasing Others Is Hurting You. His newest books are titled The Relationship Doctor's Prescription for Healing a Hurting Relationship and The Relationship Doctor's Prescription for Living Beyond Guilt. Dr. Hawkins also conducts Marriage Intensives for couples in crisis seeking immediate, intensive counseling.
Dr. Hawkins grew up in the beautiful Pacific Northwest and lives with his wife on the South Puget Sound where he enjoys sailing, biking, and skiing. He has active practices in two Washington cities.
By Dr. David Hawkins
The Relationship Doctor
Don’t say you haven’t done it. I won’t believe you. All of us are guilty of settling for less at some time in our lives.
Yep, we’ve all done it, shaking our heads in confusion the whole time. With that gnawing feeling in the pit of our stomach, we rationalize our situation, knowing we’re treading water, or slowly sinking.
You know the routine. You’ve been dating a guy for a year and a half. He’s nice enough, your friends and family like him, but, like a stale piece of gum, the zip isn’t there.
Perhaps you’ve got a different problem. You’re dating a guy who not only has spark, you have to take a fire extinguisher along on dates to keep the flames under control. But, besides being incredibly irresistible, he’s hopelessly irresponsible.
Again, you settle. Your gut says it’s time to move on, but you question yourself. You really want to move on, but you rationalize the situation.
“He’s not that bad.”
“I kind of like being with him.”
“There are good times with the bad.”
“He tells me I won’t find anyone like him.”
In any case, you’re wasting your time. Precious time. Clock-ticking, second-counting, life-wasting time.
I have a friend who offered the following advice:
“David,” he said in his fatherly voice, “I keep track of how many hours of life I have left, assuming I live to be eighty-two. I want to remind myself that every hour, every minute of life is precious. I want to remind myself not to waste time doing anything that is not best for me.”
Wow! Is that ever a reality check!
I received a phone call the other day from a former client. At first I was concerned when I heard Gini’s voice, knowing her previous situation. Sounding animated and excited, I knew something had changed.
“You remember where I was a year ago,” Gini began. “I was stuck in a relationship that was going nowhere, with a man I cared about but who abused me with his control tactics. I couldn’t breathe unless I asked permission.”
“Yes, I remember your situation, Gini,” I said.
Before I could respond further, Gini continued sharing her insights.
“I was too insecure, Dr. David. I was afraid I wouldn’t find anyone better. My friends had warned me about setting my standards too high. I was afraid they were right, and so I settled.”
“Fear stops us from really listening to our hearts,” I added. “Deep inside I think we know the truth. And God keeps sending us messages, but it’s scary to follow the truth of our hearts.”
“Well, I finally left Jim. You probably knew it was going to happen, and after I quit counseling I finally did it. Leaving Jim was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. He didn’t make it easy to leave him, that’s for sure.”
“So, have things changed?” I asked curiously.
“Yep. I finally recognized some important truths,” she said warmly. “As long as I wasted time with Jim, I missed other opportunities to find the love of my life. As long as I was with Jim, my self-esteem was always going to take a beating. I was caught in a vicious cycle of doubt, fear, more control and then more doubt. I had to get to the point where it was too painful to stay.”
“You were certainly fed up a number of times when we worked together,” I reminded her. “But, there were some good things you didn’t want to lose in the relationship.”
“Well,” she added, “that’s true. There were good things, and I missed some of them for a while after I left him. But, I’ve got to tell you what’s happened in the past several months.”
“I’d love to hear what’s happened,” I said, encouraged and excited to hear her news.
“Since I had the courage to leave Jim, I met a man who’s a perfect mate for me. We’ve been dating about nine months and we’re getting engaged soon. He attends a new church I’ve been attending, and loves my kids. He’s not controlling and loves me for who I am. I never would have met him if I were still dating Jim. So, I just wanted you to share in my happiness.”
“I’m so pleased for you, Gini,” I said. “You deserve the best and I’m glad you found it.”
“I have a favorite verse that helped me during the rough times. ‘For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and of a sound mind.’ It’s really helped me.”
“God will help us be courageous, Gini.”
“There’s one more thing, Dr. David.”
“What?”
“Tell everyone you know not to settle for anything less than the best. Not only will they be unhappy, but they’re missing out on God’s absolute best for them. And time’s wasting.”
“I’ll tell them, Gini. Don’t settle for less than the best.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
David Hawkins, Pd.D., has worked with couples and families to improve the quality of their lives by resolving personal issues for the last 30 years. He is the author of over 18 books, including Love Lost: Living Beyond a Broken Marriage, Saying It So He'll Listen, and When Pleasing Others Is Hurting You. His newest books are titled The Relationship Doctor's Prescription for Healing a Hurting Relationship and The Relationship Doctor's Prescription for Living Beyond Guilt. Dr. Hawkins also conducts Marriage Intensives for couples in crisis seeking immediate, intensive counseling.
Dr. Hawkins grew up in the beautiful Pacific Northwest and lives with his wife on the South Puget Sound where he enjoys sailing, biking, and skiing. He has active practices in two Washington cities.
Content But Not Satisfied - Part I
Content But Not Satisfied - Part I
By Hudson Russell Davis
Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
“He sought to counsel and calm the despairing, to transform the grief that contemplates the grave by showing it the grief that looks up to the stars.”
— Victor Hugo of M. Myriel the Priest
On Sunday July 9, 2006, five children drowned in the Meramec River near Saint Louis and it still wounds me to think of it. An article in the following Tuesday’s newspaper described the desperate moment when one child “slipped beneath the water’s tranquil surface and others rushed to help.” Four of the children belonged to one mourning mother.
I couldn’t stop hurting for her (still cannot stop hurting for her) because, how do you deal with such sudden loss? I doubt very much that she could have answered the question before her faith was tested, before it was proven true. Her story and the calm peace she exemplified in the article humble me. Her calm and trust reminded me that it is indeed possible to endure great trials with faith and to be content in ANY and ALL circumstances.
Although this woman would have given her life to have her children back she did not give into despair. She moved forward in faith while mourning her loss. She was content within her circumstances but not satisfied with her circumstances. So should we be.
The casualties of prolonged singleness (at least where desire for marriage exists) are the dreams of youth and a hope for the future. It is not the real loss of children but the dreams and hopes of children, the dreams and hopes of growing old with another person. If I am honest I must confess that I am both ecstatic about the life I have been given, the blessings I have received, and that I still long for more. In light of God’s many blessings I am rich beyond measure and content but I would be a liar to say I have all that I want. I am both content and not satisfied.
While I do not always live as though it were true, I understand better what it is to be “content in any and every situation.” But my heart’s desire is still unmet. I have a hunger that is not filled and dreams that have been deferred. I am content within my circumstances but not satisfied with my circumstances.
Despite the cynical voices, contentment does not exclude all desires and wants. Contentment does not demand smiles no matter what. Contentment demands faith and trust in a God who is faithful and trustworthy. Contentment is peace in the midst of hunger. It is an expectant certainty that He will indeed provide our daily bread despite the hunger we now know. But satisfaction is another thing altogether. Satisfaction speaks of approval. It speaks of what is good, what is complete. If it is “not good for the man to be alone” then it is okay that we are dissatisfied.
In fact the Christian life is spent in perpetual dissatisfaction. We are BEING made holy but are not yet holy (Heb. 10:10, 14). We are being transformed by the renewing of our minds but we are not yet there (Rom 12:2). We are being pruned to bear more and more fruit but we have not yet brought in our full crop (Jn. 15:2). We are content with His blessings here and yet our hearts yearn for the day when “He will wipe every tear from [our] eyes.” We look forward to the day when “there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain” (Rev. 21:4). There is an appropriate dissatisfaction even in the midst of our contentment because, for now, all is not right with the world.
When I speak of loneliness and the longing for love it is a particular longing and a specific need. I conceive a difference between being content and satisfied. I am content with the provisions of God. They are good, and I am rich through His mercies. But in the area of relationship (wife) I remain in need—content but not satisfied. I have eaten but am not filled.
It is the dissatisfaction with my circumstances that presses me to hope for more, to try for more. But it is contentment in my circumstances that keeps me from despair. It is okay to be dissatisfied, but we dare not set aside CONTENTMENT! We dare not leave off trust.
We dare not act as spoiled children who trample God’s gifts because all of what we have asked for has not been granted. We must never walk off and pout nor disdain what has been given because of unmet needs. We must take everything from His hand and rejoice that He has loved us enough to provide our daily bread—and more. “Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble” (Job 2:10)? Before we can even deal with the content of our dissatisfaction we must root ourselves in trust and known contentment. That is a must. DO NOT FORGET CONTENTMENT!
He knows “it is not good” for us to be alone. He knows this. If He has not blessed us it is because He has judged this circumstance—at least for now—to be best for us. With this I am content because I KNOW He loves me. Whatever our need we are content because we KNOW He loves us.
We are content and so we rejoice always IN THE LORD (Phil. 4.4). We are content and so we “give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for [us] in Christ Jesus (1Th. 5:18). We are anxious for nothing and yet “by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, [we] present [our] requests to God” (Phil. 4:6). In trust we “cast all [our] anxiety on Him (1Pet. 5:7).” We “pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests” (Eph. 6:18). We do this because we are not satisfied, because we have unmet desires and because He cares.
It is our God that has placed us here in our circumstances and we love and trust our God because we know He loves us. We need only know that we are loved. Because He cares we can bring to Him all our wounds, longings, and hopes. It is contentment in our circumstances and the God who overseas all things that will keep us, the dissatisfied, from despair. What I hope is that the honesty of realized and confessed dissatisfaction will free you and I to walk on in faith and allow those who walk with us to better comfort us.
Hudson Russell Davis was born on a small Island in the West Indies called Dominica, and this is only one reason he does not like cold weather and loves guava. He is a graduate of James Madison University with a B.A. in Graphic Design and earned a Masters in Theology from Dallas Theological Seminary. Currently he is a Ph.D. candidate at Saint Louis University studying historical theology. Hudson has worked as a graphic artist and worship leader but expresses himself through poetry, prose, photography, and music. His activities are just about anything outdoors, but tennis is his current passion.
Got feedback? Send your comments and questions to Hudson at hudsondavis@streamsinthewilderness.com. If you don't hear back within a few days' time, please try again. Hudson would like to respond to all reader feedback.
By Hudson Russell Davis
Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
“He sought to counsel and calm the despairing, to transform the grief that contemplates the grave by showing it the grief that looks up to the stars.”
— Victor Hugo of M. Myriel the Priest
On Sunday July 9, 2006, five children drowned in the Meramec River near Saint Louis and it still wounds me to think of it. An article in the following Tuesday’s newspaper described the desperate moment when one child “slipped beneath the water’s tranquil surface and others rushed to help.” Four of the children belonged to one mourning mother.
I couldn’t stop hurting for her (still cannot stop hurting for her) because, how do you deal with such sudden loss? I doubt very much that she could have answered the question before her faith was tested, before it was proven true. Her story and the calm peace she exemplified in the article humble me. Her calm and trust reminded me that it is indeed possible to endure great trials with faith and to be content in ANY and ALL circumstances.
Although this woman would have given her life to have her children back she did not give into despair. She moved forward in faith while mourning her loss. She was content within her circumstances but not satisfied with her circumstances. So should we be.
The casualties of prolonged singleness (at least where desire for marriage exists) are the dreams of youth and a hope for the future. It is not the real loss of children but the dreams and hopes of children, the dreams and hopes of growing old with another person. If I am honest I must confess that I am both ecstatic about the life I have been given, the blessings I have received, and that I still long for more. In light of God’s many blessings I am rich beyond measure and content but I would be a liar to say I have all that I want. I am both content and not satisfied.
While I do not always live as though it were true, I understand better what it is to be “content in any and every situation.” But my heart’s desire is still unmet. I have a hunger that is not filled and dreams that have been deferred. I am content within my circumstances but not satisfied with my circumstances.
Despite the cynical voices, contentment does not exclude all desires and wants. Contentment does not demand smiles no matter what. Contentment demands faith and trust in a God who is faithful and trustworthy. Contentment is peace in the midst of hunger. It is an expectant certainty that He will indeed provide our daily bread despite the hunger we now know. But satisfaction is another thing altogether. Satisfaction speaks of approval. It speaks of what is good, what is complete. If it is “not good for the man to be alone” then it is okay that we are dissatisfied.
In fact the Christian life is spent in perpetual dissatisfaction. We are BEING made holy but are not yet holy (Heb. 10:10, 14). We are being transformed by the renewing of our minds but we are not yet there (Rom 12:2). We are being pruned to bear more and more fruit but we have not yet brought in our full crop (Jn. 15:2). We are content with His blessings here and yet our hearts yearn for the day when “He will wipe every tear from [our] eyes.” We look forward to the day when “there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain” (Rev. 21:4). There is an appropriate dissatisfaction even in the midst of our contentment because, for now, all is not right with the world.
When I speak of loneliness and the longing for love it is a particular longing and a specific need. I conceive a difference between being content and satisfied. I am content with the provisions of God. They are good, and I am rich through His mercies. But in the area of relationship (wife) I remain in need—content but not satisfied. I have eaten but am not filled.
It is the dissatisfaction with my circumstances that presses me to hope for more, to try for more. But it is contentment in my circumstances that keeps me from despair. It is okay to be dissatisfied, but we dare not set aside CONTENTMENT! We dare not leave off trust.
We dare not act as spoiled children who trample God’s gifts because all of what we have asked for has not been granted. We must never walk off and pout nor disdain what has been given because of unmet needs. We must take everything from His hand and rejoice that He has loved us enough to provide our daily bread—and more. “Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble” (Job 2:10)? Before we can even deal with the content of our dissatisfaction we must root ourselves in trust and known contentment. That is a must. DO NOT FORGET CONTENTMENT!
He knows “it is not good” for us to be alone. He knows this. If He has not blessed us it is because He has judged this circumstance—at least for now—to be best for us. With this I am content because I KNOW He loves me. Whatever our need we are content because we KNOW He loves us.
We are content and so we rejoice always IN THE LORD (Phil. 4.4). We are content and so we “give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for [us] in Christ Jesus (1Th. 5:18). We are anxious for nothing and yet “by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, [we] present [our] requests to God” (Phil. 4:6). In trust we “cast all [our] anxiety on Him (1Pet. 5:7).” We “pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests” (Eph. 6:18). We do this because we are not satisfied, because we have unmet desires and because He cares.
It is our God that has placed us here in our circumstances and we love and trust our God because we know He loves us. We need only know that we are loved. Because He cares we can bring to Him all our wounds, longings, and hopes. It is contentment in our circumstances and the God who overseas all things that will keep us, the dissatisfied, from despair. What I hope is that the honesty of realized and confessed dissatisfaction will free you and I to walk on in faith and allow those who walk with us to better comfort us.
Hudson Russell Davis was born on a small Island in the West Indies called Dominica, and this is only one reason he does not like cold weather and loves guava. He is a graduate of James Madison University with a B.A. in Graphic Design and earned a Masters in Theology from Dallas Theological Seminary. Currently he is a Ph.D. candidate at Saint Louis University studying historical theology. Hudson has worked as a graphic artist and worship leader but expresses himself through poetry, prose, photography, and music. His activities are just about anything outdoors, but tennis is his current passion.
Got feedback? Send your comments and questions to Hudson at hudsondavis@streamsinthewilderness.com. If you don't hear back within a few days' time, please try again. Hudson would like to respond to all reader feedback.
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