Is He the Marrying Kind?

* I OFFICIALLY CO-SIGN WITH EVERY BIT OF THIS!!!
- mdw

Is He the Marrying Kind?
By A.J. Kiesling
Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer

As Christian women, it’s hard to take God out of the marriage equation, and we wouldn’t even want to.

At the same time, the cultural realities we live with force us to do more than simply drift with the tide—that is, if we’re serious about finding a mate. The good news is that, even in these marriage-unfriendly times, the fields are “white unto harvest” if you know what to look for. Once you sense the time is right, start being intentional about putting yourself in places, and with people, that will nudge you in the direction of marriage. The right approach—a combination of faith in God and strategic thinking and action—will likely turn the helm of your singlehood into new waters that contain the very real possibility of marriage.

Separating the Wheat from the Chaff

It turns out there are things you can do to find a prospective mate—or to move a budding relationship forward—and it all starts with looking for the right kind of man: the marrying kind.

In his book Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others, author and professional market researcher John T. Molloy notes that when he completed the initial research for the manuscript, one of his better researchers, a woman named Beth, wanted to read the results. Her problem was that “men who are averse to commitment were drawn to her like bees to honey.” After reading the report, Beth dropped it back on Molloy’s desk angrily and called him a male chauvinist. After he recovered his shock, he asked her what made her think that.

“You reinforce the myth that the reason men don’t commit is that the women in their lives do something wrong,” she steamed. “That’s nonsense. In most cases, it’s the man in a relationship who decides he isn’t ready or doesn’t want to get married, and he makes this decision without any help from the woman. No matter what some women do, there are certain men who are never going to commit. Unless you recognize that, you’ve missed the whole point. If you want to do women a real service, help us identify those losers before we get involved with them.”1

After apologizing to Beth, Molloy admitted she had a point. His interviews with single men had shown that there were men who would not commit. He also realized the valuable service he could provide women by identifying those men who were worthy of their attention—and which ones to weed out as potential mates.

1. Look for a Man Who’s Ready to Commit
Molloy found in his research that there is an age when a man is ready to marry, or what he calls the Age of Commitment. The age varies from man to man, but discernible patterns emerge:

Most male college graduates between ages twenty-eight and thirty-three “are in their high-commitment years and likely to propose.” This period of high commitment for well-educated men lasts just over five years.
Once a man hits thirty-eight, the chances he will ever marry drop dramatically. Chances that a man will marry for the first time diminish even more after forty-two or forty-three. “At this point, many men become confirmed bachelors,” writes Molloy.
Once a man reaches age forty-seven to fifty without marrying, the chances he will ever do so drop dramatically.
One of the most common mistakes women make, Molloy writes, is to assume that because they’re ready for marriage, the men they date are as well. But his research shows that is often not the case. Instead, if a woman is serious about finding a mate, she should date only men who have reached the age of commitment.

2. Look for a Man Who Is Tired of the Singles Scene
Molloy found that the men who were most likely to consider marriage seriously had not only reached the Age of Commitment, but they had tired of the singles scene—the endless round of singles events, group outings, casual dating, and parties filled with questing singles. Instead, he and his researchers found that about a third of newly married men said that for six months to two years before they met their brides-to-be, they were not dating or going to singles places as often as they had been just a few years earlier. In the men’s own words, they were ready for “something else” or the “next step.”

When the singles scene ceases to be as fun as it used to be, a man is ripe for the real commitment of marriage. As you meet men, listen for clues that they have reached this point in their life. Watch their actions, too—they are the best barometer of a person’s inner world. A man weary of the round of singles activities is much closer to desiring one woman for life than his still-party-hearty brethren.

3. Look for Men Whose Biological Clocks Are Ticking
This one may sound strange at first, but Molloy explains. In his research he discovered that men have a biological clock too, and they are keenly aware that it’s running down. His team of researchers spoke to 121 men in their forties who were marrying for the first time: “They’re not worried about physically being able to father a child, but about being a father to the child.”

A caveat to this point: One of the main complaints Christian single women lob against single men is that they put off marrying so long that when they do finally get ready, they shop in the much-younger “market” of available women. Why? It seems obvious to say not only “because they can” but because of this very point that Molloy makes: they want to become fathers, and a younger woman is the more likely candidate to provide them that.

4. Look for Diamonds in the Rough
As the years go by and no serious suitors appear to claim you, it’s easy as a single woman to despair and start to think, “What’s wrong with me?” I heard this heart-cry numerous times in the responses to my survey. What women sometimes forget is that many men feel exactly the same way.

Molloy and his team of researchers talked to dozens of men in their late thirties and early forties who had given up on the idea of marrying. Most lacked one of three things, he reports: looks, height, or social skills.

Greenwald, author of Find a Husband After 35, concurs—and she expounds on the idea in her chapter titled “Market Expansion: Cast a Wider Net.” Simply put, casting a wider net means looking for a husband who may not be the type you’ve always imagined. Looking for a diamond in the rough means you start looking at the single Christian men in your sphere with a new eye—an eye open to possibilities. Averse to bald heads? Consider that in this day and age the shaved head look is in, so naturally bald men have a step up on the ladder. Insist on a skillful conversationalist? Try carrying the thread of the conversation the first few times until he’s warmed up to your presence. Sometimes the quiet, shy types hide a wonderful dry wit that only those closest to them get to know.

It’s not uncommon to hear happily married couples tell funny stories about how they met—she didn’t even notice him at first; he annoyed her with his boisterous sense of humor; she blended in with the other girls at the singles function until someone casually mentioned a topic she loved, and she lit up, taking him with her. These little nuances are the stuff of true love, and we limit ourselves by adhering to a strict list of “must have” qualities.

What About Good Friends?

Another way of restating this point about mining diamonds in the rough is to reassess your options, as one writer puts it. Instead of just palling around with men forever, take a serious look at the guys in your “just friends” category and consider who might be a good husband, a caring partner, and a potential dad (if that’s important to you).

I have to tell you there’s really something to this. In my own college-aged singles group (many moons ago) quite a few male/female fellowship group leaders wound up getting married. Of course, they never intended for anything to happen. But in the course of working side by side to build a lively Bible study or busy social calendar, they bonded as friends first—and then fell in love.

There’s a lot to be said for relationships that are grounded on friendship first. If you do make the leap to marriage, once the dry spells set in (as they always do) you’ll have your genuine liking for the other person—your friendship—to fall back on.

1. Steer Clear of Confirmed Bachelors and Players
Easier said than done, right? That’s the first cynical thought that sprang into my mind as I typed the heading above. But there are good men out there—the results of my singles survey reveal just how many Christian single men long to find a wife and labor under similar (if flipside-of-coin) frustrations. The crucial thing is to identify the men who truly want a wife from those who are confirmed bachelors or outright players.

The first category, the confirmed bachelor, is easy to spot, says Molloy: “He’s so used to living alone that he will list the pleasures of the solo life—coming and going as he pleases, not answering to anyone—as reasons for not marrying.” Still, he dangles a bit of hope. “Thousands of former ‘confirmed’ bachelors get married each year, usually to women they’ve known for less than a year or whom they’ve been going with for many years.”

The player, or what Molloy calls a “stringer,” is a more dangerous type of man. “If you’re dating a man who has had one or more long-term relationships with other women and didn’t marry them, there’s a real possibility he’s a stringer,” writes Molloy. “A stringer is a man who strings women along. He likes to have a woman. … He often tells women, up front, that he never intends to marry, so if and when he decides he wants to cut out, she has no reason to complain.”

If you think you may be dating a stringer, Molloy advises a strict protocol: “Establish a deadline. If he doesn’t commit to you within six months, get rid of him.” At the same time, any sane woman realizes there are some men a little pressure will work on and others with whom it has the opposite effect. Either way, you will have your answer.


1John T. Molloy, Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others (New York: Warner Books, 2003)

Copyright © 2008 by A.J. Kiesling. Excerpted from Where Have All the Good Men Gone? Why So Many Christian Women Are Remaining Single. Harvest House, March 2008.

A.J. Kiesling is the author of Where Have All the Good Men Gone? (Harvest House) and the novel Skizzer (Revell). A former contributing religion writer for Publishers Weekly, she has written more than a dozen books.

You can reach her at www.ajkiesling.com or by e-mailing her at news://mailtgoodmengone@gmail.com.

Carve Out Time for the People Who Matter Most

Carve Out Time for the People Who Matter Most
By Valorie Burton
Author & Life Coach

"No man on his deathbed ever said, 'I wish I had spent more time at the office.'"

— The late Sen. Paul Tsongas of Massachusetts

When I married and moved to Maryland in 2003, my father serendipitously received a promotion to move from Colorado to nearby northern Virginia. We had not lived in the same city since I graduated from high school and I was excited that he'd be just 20 miles away. Despite the close proximity, we both noticed something: We didn't actually see one another as often as we'd thought we would.

Have you ever noticed that life sometimes gets so busy that it gets in the way of what you say is most important? It's in those moments, that you must reassess your priorities and make sure your schedule reflects them. If you aren't intentional about how you spend your time, it will slip through your fingers without bringing you some of the experiences that make your life rich and fulfilling.

To make sure we made time together a priority, Dad and I decided to set a standing appointment. On Fridays, we meet for lunch. Same place. Same time. And on the occasions when one of us cannot make it, we make it a point to see each other at some other time. Our lunch date ensures that we never become so busy that we go for weeks, living in the same metro area, without visiting with each other face to face. We visit at other times, too, of course, but we don't rely on happenstance and special occasions to see each other regularly.

This week, I invite you to take a moment to consider the people with whom you most want to spend time with on a regular basis. Then carve out some time and put strong boundaries around it. There is so much vying for your attention that you must be intentional about making time for your relationships. For example, my husband and I carve out weekends to spend time together doing things we love with each other and people we care about. We also eat dinner together nearly every day. I make it my rule not to go more than four months without seeing my mother and little brother who live an hour-long plane ride away. And I have a couple of friends with whom I get together once a month or so. If we don't set a date, one of us calls the other to say, "Hey, it's time for us to get together."

To some, it may seem ridiculous to set appointments with yourself and the people you care about. Instead, I see it as a way to honor your most important relationships. In a world in which there is always something calling for your attention, it is essential that you take control of how you spend your time and put boundaries around the time that's meant for your most important priority—your relationships. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

Invite friends or family over once a month for an old-fashioned Sunday dinner.

Eat breakfast or dinner together as a family.

Choose a weekly "date night" for you and your spouse or significant other.

Have a "game night" with your children or friends.

Choose a favorite pastime and schedule regular time to enjoy it with someone you want to spend time with consistently.

Set a standard for how often you want to see loved ones who do not live in your area. Honor your standard by taking out your calendar and marking the dates.

Carve out regular time just for you. Just as it is important to make time for the important people in your life, it's important to make time just for you, too!

Come up with your idea by brainstorming with the person you want to carve out time for!
Living an inspired life means aligning your true priorities with your day-to-day actions. When you make time for your relationships, you'll notice that other less meaningful activities may fall by the wayside. Take a deep breath and let them go. You can't be all things to all people. Carve out time for the people who matter most to you. Enjoy!

Journaling Assignment:
With whom do you need to be more intentional about spending quality time? When, how and how often would you like to spend time with them?

My Challenge to You This Week:
Carve out time in your schedule for the people who matter most to you. Make that time sacred by setting boundaries around it that cannot be infringed upon by work, other people or less significant priorities.




Taken from Rich Minds, Rich Rewards E-Newsletter. Written and distributed by Inspire, Inc. © 2008 Valorie Burton. All rights reserved. Used with permission. www.valorieburton.com.

Valorie Burton, a life coach and speaker, is the author of Listen to Your Life, Rich Minds, Rich Rewards, What's Really Holding You Back?, Why Not You? and her latest, How Did I Get So Busy?.

Before You Say "I Do" To A Pre-Nup…

Before You Say "I Do" to a Pre-Nup…
By Stephen Bloom Esq.
Author, The Believer's Guide to Legal Issues


Are you a joyful bride-to-be? An eager (or nervous!) groom? Perhaps you have a son or daughter getting married this summer? Perhaps a beloved grandchild? Or maybe a lifelong friend? So many of us have a special acquaintance or family member ready to “tie the knot” in a beautiful marriage ceremony of thrilling romance and holy commitment this year. So what does any of this have to do with the law? Why am I raising the subject of weddings in my Christian legal column?

I’m writing to brides and grooms and those close to them because I want to encourage you to build the strongest possible marriage from the beginning, a marriage built on the solid foundation of God and His Word. And I’m writing because I want to encourage you not to weaken or undermine that sacred foundation by relying on destructive legal “worldly wisdom” that commonly advises you not to get married without first entering a pre-nuptial agreement.

A pre-nuptial agreement (informally called a “pre-nup”) is a legal contract between a husband and a wife. It spells out in excruciating detail who owns what property, who has what legal rights, and exactly what happens if the couple gets separated or divorced. But is a binding and enforceable legal contract between husband and wife really consistent with God’s plan for Christian marriage?

In an era of frequent marital break-ups and complex family structures, our cynical culture and most secular lawyers portray anyone getting married without a pre-nup as either foolish or naive. Before the wedding day, we are warned, wise couples should agree in writing what will happen if and when the marriage dissolves. But is there something wrong with this pessimistic advice? Should Christians begin their sacred marriage relationship as if it were just another business deal? Is it healthy for a husband and wife to be forced into negotiating against one another as legal adversaries, each with their own attorneys, in the days or weeks before they are joined as "one flesh" in the eyes of God?

As a Christian lawyer, I believe pre-nuptial agreements tend to undermine the marriage relationship, putting the sacred covenant on shaky ground from the beginning. God calls husband and wife to be unified - to live as one, to share freely, to trust and honor and love each other in every way. But the very process of creating and executing a pre-nup glorifies a contrary perspective, one that is destructive and disruptive to the marriage. The whole psychology of pre-nuptial agreements encourages each spouse to think of herself or himself as separate from the other, to be suspicious of the other, and to hold on tightly to “what's yours" and keep it from the other! It’s the opposite of unity!

I know my thoughts on pre-nups run contrary to what most lawyers would consider “correct” legal thinking. Certainly my perspective does not fit the conventional model of standard secular legal counsel for engaged couples. But as a Christian lawyer I have no choice but to look at the legal questions we face from a biblical Christian viewpoint. I answer to a higher authority, and that authority says, “Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24 NRSV)

How committed to each other should a Christian husband and wife be? Should they be 50% committed? 70% committed? Is a 90% commitment enough? Isn’t the answer 100%? When God teaches us about marriage, when he uses those words “one flesh,” it sounds to me like God intends for husbands and wives to be 100% committed to each other. But the existence of a pre-nup sets the husband and wife at odds with each other. It’s like saying to your beloved future spouse, “Honey, let’s agree up front that we aren’t necessarily 100% committed to each other.” And that’s why I’m very reluctant to endorse the use of pre-nuptial agreements. To me, they just don’t seem consistent with God’s design for Christian marriage.

Lawyers could probably think up a thousand different situations where cold logic and a secular perspective might dictate that the spouses “need” a pre-nuptial agreement. But under God’s plan, what either spouse has “going in” doesn’t really matter because everything belongs fully to both spouses once they’re married. If either spouse feels they can’t freely give everything to the other, then, quite frankly, I would humbly suggest they need to seriously and prayerfully reconsider going through with the marriage vows.

With wedding season still in full swing, let me urge you, engaged couples, to focus on building lasting oneness between you, as you both seek to serve and honor Christ in your upcoming marriage. And for those with friends and loved ones about to be married, let me beg you to do your part to encourage that kind of Christian unity and help the couple resist secular pressure to buy into “pre-nup propaganda”!

I pray God’s blessings on my brothers and sisters about to enter the joy and richness of Christian marriage. I know marriage won’t always be easy, but you will never regret beginning this precious journey together on the unshakable foundation of Jesus Christ and His Word. So please, think twice before you say "I do" to a pre-nup!

*This column contains generalized information only and is not intended as a substitute for the specific legal advice of your own attorney.

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Stephen L. Bloom is a Christian lawyer serving clients throughout Pennsylvania. He wrote The Believer's Guide to Legal Issues (Living Ink Books) and frequently speaks on Christianity and law. For information, visit his website www.IsThereALawyerInTheChurch.com.
Article reprinted from Stephen Bloom's Good News Daily column titled "Good News on the Law." Visit Good News Daily's website at http://www.goodnewsdaily.net/