Overprotective Parenting: Living Vicariously Through Children

Overprotective Parenting
James P. Krehbiel

Here is a story which is not unique in the world of counseling and teenage sports. The parents of a high school athlete make an appointment for their teen to see a counselor. During the session, they explain that their athlete is on the verge of making the varsity team as a sophomore. They respond with, "Our child has the skills. Our future super star is experiencing some performance anxiety that is affecting his playing status — do you think you can help our child?" After the counselor meets first with the parents to assess the situation, he requests that the parents bring their child in for a visit.

The teenager meets with the counselor and after spending a session together, several observations are made by the counselor:

These parents have a really nice child.
The child's insights about the family dynamics far surpass those of the parents.
The teenager demonstrates no signs of performance anxiety, but rather is angry at his parents for dragging him into counseling and dramatizing the importance of sports.
He enjoys playing sports, but they are a preference, not a necessity in his life.
The student athlete wishes his parents would back off with all their intensity over athletic performance.
The counselor asks the teenager if he would be willing to let the counselor share some of the child's observations with his parents. The teen gladly consents to the sharing of information with the parents.

The parents meet with the counselor and are mystified by the counselor's reiteration of their child's thoughts and feelings. They feel that the counselor has been remiss in not focusing on what they perceive as the presenting problem — the performance anxiety issue. The parents leave the session with frustration and fail to make a follow-up appointment for their child.

Often, parents live vicariously through their children, usually without being aware that they are doing it. They over-function, or are overprotective, and view their children as an extension of themselves. Parents, who have the financial means, may take the extra step of hiring personalized athletic trainers, send their kids to endless sports camps, and hire sports psychologists hoping to give their child the needed edge to gain sports notoriety. Invariably, the motivation for these added performance enhancers comes from the parents, not the child.

Sports, however, are not the only time when parents are overprotective. There are other ways that a parent may overprotect their teenagers. In the following case, parents shielded their children from the logical consequences of their behavior. I recall reading about a substance abuse treatment program implemented by a prestigious high-school in suburban Chicago. A significant number of students were chronically self-medicating with marijuana and other illicit drugs. The school was attempting to hold their students accountable in the face of intense parental pressure. Parents of the students' who were violating the law and school policies, proceeded to the school accompanied by their attorneys in an attempt to overturn any consequences established by the school or police. They also wanted any school records expunged which sited their child's violations. According to the article, many of the baby-boomer parents dismissed the school efforts to deal with the drug problem, took action against the school and police, and admitted to being users themselves.

Parents have other ways of protecting their children's behavior. Once, I conducted a presentation for a middle school PTO. The topic was the downside of pop culture. In the presentation I was exploring the connection between violent video games and the perpetuation of violence and aggression within our society. I felt that several parents in the audience believed that I was being overly dramatic about this issue. One woman exclaimed, "I can't control my child's electronic gadgetry because there is too much peer pressure. It's so acceptable that it's too hard to monitor." No one said it was easy to set limit for children, but it is necessary. My contention that kids are hard-wired in such a way that they have trouble differentiating fantasy from reality fell on deaf ears. These defensive parents could not recognize that they were validating unhealthy behavior by protecting those behaviors.

Frequently, parents act as accomplices through overprotective parenting. They vicariously live through their children in ways that put excessive pressure on them. They also excuse away their children's behavior in an attempt to rescue them from the consequences of their behavior. Failing to differentiate children's feelings from their own is overprotecting. Enabling destructive behaviors by allowing them is overprotecting. The process of appropriate parenting can only be successfully navigated if parents choose to role-model mature/adult behavior, hold their children accountable for mistakes, and refuse to let their children off the hook when they display improper behavior.

James P. Krehbiel is a licensed professional counselor and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He can be reached at (480) 664-6665 or krehbielcounseling.com.

The Testing of Obedience

The Testing of Obedience

In addition to perfecting our faith through obedience, we must allow God to purify and strengthen our faith through trials and tribulations (see James 1:3-4). By faith, we keep our eyes on Jesus in the midst of trials, believing that "the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us" (Romans 8:18). Peter comforted those who faced suffering with these words: "That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honor and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ" (I Peter 1:7). Thankfully, we do not suffer alone for Christ, for "all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution" (II Timothy 3:12).

The ultimate indicator of your faith is whether you love God with all your heart and keep His commandments, with or without adversity, in difficult times and in good times. "And hereby we do know that we know him, if we keep his commandments" (I John 2:3). Such faith and obedience does not require striving to follow a list of rules or struggling hard in your own efforts. For when God has first place in your heart, obeying His voice will flow naturally out of love for Him.

New York Football Giants = COMPLETE DOMIANTION

New York Football Giants = COMPLETE DOMIANTION
M.D. Wright
11.17.08

I cannot say this enough. I get tired of people who hate the Giants talking all this nonsense about "But the Titans are 10-0" or "Wait 'til Week 16!!! (The 8-2 Carolina Panthers come to East Rutherford that week)".

What...???

Let me explain something.

The Giants' offensive line is the best in the NFL. Anyone who says otherwise is jealous and willfully blind. This unit, comprised of Dave Diehl, Rich Seubert, Shaun O'Hara, Chris Snee and Kareem McKenzie have been playing together for five years now. There is something to be said for chemistry and consistency. The offensive line has gotten progressively better since 2004 when they were assembled. Now? The Giants lead the NFL in rushing at 170 yards per game. Earth (Brandon Jacobs), Wind (Derrick Ward), & Fire (Ahmad Bradshaw), as they've been dubbed, pound teams into submission. Even the Baltimore Ravens, who only surrender about 65 yards per game rushing usually.

The Giants managed 210 (minus three on kneel downs to wrap it up) in Week 11.

Eli Manning has cut down dramatically on his mistakes. He reverted to his rookie mistakes versus Cleveland in Week 6, which was a loss, but other than that, Eli has done what he needs to do. He proved he could single-handedly win games, and he proved he could "manage" (I hate that word) games -- which he has done of late.

The defensive line sets the tone for the entire defense. Although the Pittsburgh Steelers surpassed the Giants in sacks two weeks ago, sacks do not dictate how great a defensive unit is. The Giants make timely and HUGE plays. The sacks are just a portion of that. The linebackers keep contain. They stay in their gap and maintain gap discipline, they are good in coverage and are solid tacklers.

The secondary, which people who don't even watch Giant games (only highlight shows), is much better than people realize. They come up with huge interceptions (a dozen in the past six weeks?) excellent tacklers and with rookie free safety Kenny Phillips (Sean Taylor 2.0 -- FROM?!?!) the Giants are pretty much the best defense in the NFC and only second to the Steelers or Titans, if second at all.

Add to that, clutch kicking from John Carney, Sheila MacRae, Audrey Meadows, GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY!!! The best punter in the history of the NFL (and master of the Coffin Corner Kick) Jeff Feagles, and a very good return game featuring Domenik Hixon on punts and Ahmad Bradshaw on kickoffs and the Giants do not have any glaring weaknesses.

The Steelers do: Ben Roethlisberger and his decision-making. Their offensive line woes. Willie Parker's health. Their secondary's tendency to gamble to make big plays.

The Titans do: Kerry Collins did what he is doing right now with the Titans back in 2000 with the Giants. DO NOT BELIEVE THE HYPE. They run the ball excellently (aside from the loss to the Chicago Bears -- 29 rushes, 20 yards). They have the best defensive tackle in the NFL (and it's not close) in Albert Haynesworth. Their linebackers are solid, if not unspectacular. Their secondary consists of ballhawks (especially Courtland Finnegan, who is underrated).

But one thing that holds Tennessee back -- their ability to pass for yardage when their running game is stifled. Sure, they did it against Green Bay and Chicago, but those aren't great defenses. We will see when they play Indianapolis (with a healthy Bob Sanders) and Pittsburgh -- or even the Giants, should both teams reach the Super Bowl. Again I say, Kerry Collins will KILL them if he has to pass the ball 30-35 times per game. Eli Manning for the most part only makes one or two bad throws per game, and every other game, one of them will be an INT. Collins hasn't seen anything yet.

This is the most you'll hear a seasoned Giant fan of 25 years toot our horn, because we all know better. Even the Giants teams from 1985-1993 (excluding Handley in 1991-1992), with all their talent and dominance, did not elicit bragging from the fans. The 2008 outfit won't either.

All I am saying is, right now, the Giants = COMPLETE DOMINATION.

We will see if that lasts into February 2009 when it matters most. No bragging. No prognostications. No putting Dallas, Washington (or WARSHINGTON, as Lee Corso says it) and the Iggles down. Just focusing on US.