He Said-She Said: An Acceptable Age Difference In Dating Relationships
By Cliff Young & Laura MacCorkle
Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer & Senior Editor
EDITOR’S NOTE: Each He Said-She Said column features a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you’ve got a question about anything related to singleness, please CLICK HERE to submit (selected questions will be posted anonymously).
QUESTION: Should a woman in her late twenties pursue a godly relationship with a man in his early twenties? Is there an acceptable age difference?
HE SAID: In a way, this is like asking “How much money do I need to retire?” Many thoughts, besides age, should be considered in answering such a question.
Age alone is not a determining factor of the compatibility of two people. The emotional, mental, and spiritual maturity of each individual is much more important. In general, males mature at a later age than females. (This is probably the excuse many older men use in order to “chase” younger women.) Although you may think your circumstance is different, take the time to observe a person over time and in different situations. First impressions can be misleading.
Along the same line, does a man in his early twenties have his priorities, focus, and career in order? Many guys at that age think they do—I did. However, at this stage, a man is just beginning to experience life, he’s starting to see what is in the world, and he’s finding out who he is and what he wants to do.
Spirituality plays the greatest role in a godly relationship.
Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart (2 Timothy 2:22).
Is the man pursuing righteousness and ready to be the spiritual leader in a relationship? Is he ready to sacrifice some of his freedom, time and desires in order to reciprocate in a relationship? Will this relationship bring you both closer to God?
Just for fun, I Googled “woman pursue a man” and received over 17 million results! This seems to be a popular question.
What is your definition of “pursue”?
Does it mean letting him know that you are available?
Does it mean walking up to him to initiate communication?
Does it mean acknowledging you have interest in him?
If this is true for you, then there is nothing wrong in letting someone know you are unattached and interested. In this busy world we live in, sometimes we (I’m speaking for some guys, including myself) miss signals that are right in front of us. I would be flattered to know someone is interested in me and had the forthright to initiate contact.
However, if your definition of “pursue” is this:
Does it mean tracking down his phone number and calling him?
Does it mean asking him out on a date? Or dates?
Does it eventually mean asking him to marry you?
Then, I would caution you.
If the man knows you are available and interested in him, but isn’t pursuing, this is an indication of how he feels.
Maybe he thinks the age difference is insurmountable or something he isn’t ready for.
Maybe he isn’t interested at all.
Maybe he isn’t ready for a relationship.
Maybe he doesn’t have the guts to ask you out (not a good sign).
Most men want to be the “hunter.” It is in our blood to see something we desire and to go out and get it (Ok, conquer it … I said it). When pursued, the flattery that was felt earlier quickly changes to questions of:
“Why is she asking me out?
Is she desperate?
Is there something wrong with her?
Does she feel as if time is running out for her?”
As a long-time single, my hope for a mate is in God’s hands. He has shown me through His continual faithfulness that He knows what is best for me. Although I have experienced some disappointments along the way, I have been protected from relationships that were not right for me; I just see it as God’s grace. Several Scripture passages have helped me often throughout the years.
He that finds a wife finds a good thing (Proverbs 18:22).
With God’s help, I will be the one who finds a wife (not the other way around) and when I do, it will be amazing!
Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is worth more than precious rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She will not hinder him, but help him all her life (Proverbs 31:10-12).
Wow! I want to look for and find this kind of wife. Why wouldn’t I want to wait for the right one?!
There are verses in the Bible where women take the lead, but they are not the type of women I would want to be with.
He was walking down the street near the corner on the road leading to her house. … Then the woman approached him … So I have come out to meet you; I have been looking for you and have found you (Proverbs 7:8, 10, 15).
I empathize with you. I really do. What I have found to be true in my life is that God’s plan and design never feels contrived or forced. If you have to ask if there is an “appropriate age difference,” then I believe you already know the answer in your heart.
SHE SAID: I’ll have to start out my answer on a personal note, since I know a thing or two about age differences when it comes to relationships.
I’ve had dating relationships where there have been significant gaps in age and ones where there have been differences of only a few years or less. Some men have been older than me, while others have been younger. I guess you could say I’m an “equal-opportunity dater.” Well, as long as no gold medallion necklaces, pointy boots or mountain-man beards are involved (sorry!).
In hindsight, the closer in age I have been to those I’ve dated then the easier the relationships have seemed to go. Surely, there were other factors involved to determine the success and duration of each relationship (faith, maturity, interests, values, goals, etc.). But I think that a significant age difference can also make or break a relationship.
As believers, we don’t really find a clear answer for your question in Scripture. Thus far, I’ve only found references to relationships or marriages where the man is older than the woman. And to my knowledge, I don’t think that there are any biblical examples of older women in dating or marital relationships with younger men. So I am left with the world around me (and perhaps a little common sense and hopefully some divine inspiration) from which to draw.
I suppose a significant age difference in a relationship (with the woman being older than the man) is more culturally acceptable these days, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good thing. You would have to investigate on a relationship-by-relationship basis to see what works for some and what doesn’t work for others.
The more I think about this, though, I’m drawing the conclusion that an age difference is more of a “red light” factor when two people are younger. If one partner is 20 and the other is 28 or 29, that can be a problem. Considering how men and women mature at different rates, will a 20-year-old man be able to lead in a relationship with a woman who is pushing 30?
Another consideration is upbringing. Some are taught to be responsible, while others are coddled. So it’s likely you could have a very mature 20-year-old man who was raised to lead and do his part. Or you could have the opposite: A 20-year-old man who has more of a “victim’s mentality”—meaning his problems are always identified as the fault of others and no personal responsibility is taken whatsoever. In this type of individual, you’ll usually find someone who is floundering (and maybe always will be). If you date or marry him, you will likely end up being his mother.
So, where am I leading with all of this? Well, assuming that there are about seven to nine years between you and the young man in question, I am saying that you have a lot to evaluate before going forward (assuming he is the one who will be pursuing you).
If you have considered the compatibility of your maturity levels and if you have been able to observe this young man in various scenarios and you are at peace with what you’ve experienced, then I would proceed with caution. Remain friends until you feel certain that he is mature enough to lead a woman such as yourself in a godly relationship. And then, perhaps, proceed to dating.
But before you do, spend some time chewing on this …
What do your friends and family think? Are they sources of accountability and do you seek their counsel?
Do you think that this young man is mature enough to lead a late twenty-something woman in a godly relationship? And beyond that, in marriage?
Have you observed this young man enough to witness his speech, his actions and how he treats others?
Who are his friends and how do they treat one another? Are they people you would want to spend time with, too?
Is he a man of his word? Does he have a good reputation? Has he made a life for himself and have something to show for it?
Does he hold leadership positions either at work, in the community or at church?
If he is just starting out in his career or finishing up school and you are already established in your career, will this be a source of tension when it comes to respect? And submission?
Should you decide to marry and if you are ready to begin a family, will he be ready to have children as soon as you are?
Does this young man respect the elders in his life (family, supervisors at work, church leaders, authority in general)?
What is his relationship like with his mother? Does he honor her and treat her with kindness? Is his relationship with his father healthy?
Is this young man a respected leader in his family? Does he contribute to “the drama” or does he help to bring resolution to critical family situations?
These are good starter questions to get you thinking about various issues. An age difference doesn’t have to be a deal breaker, but it can certainly contribute to a relationship not being successful.
You will have to determine if this is the path down which the Lord is leading you. Or if this is a path down which you are taking yourself. There may not be any cautionary red lights for you right now, but if there are then please don’t ignore them. And don’t try to force something into being that is not of the Lord.
He will show you (and give you confirmation through prayer, the godly counsel of family and friends, study in the Word) if this age difference is acceptable in his sight for you.
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12:1-2).
HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.
SHE is … Laura MacCorkle, Crosswalk.com’s Senior Entertainment Editor. It is possible that she has never had the chicken pox, has definitely chowed down on some locust shells, has auditioned for a role in a Lou Diamond Phillips movie and once shook the hand of legendary Dallas Cowboys coach Tom Landry.
DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We’re just average folk who understand what it’s like to live the solo life in the 21st century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life’s questions, and it’s where we’ll go for guidance when responding to your questions.
GOT A QUESTION? If you’ve got a question about anything related to living the single life, PLEASE SUBMIT HERE (selected questions will be posted anonymously). While we are unable to answer every inquiry, we do hope that He Said-She Said will be an encouragement to you.
**This column first published on September 4, 2008.
As politically incorrect as I wanna be.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Marrying Your 'Soul Mate': Does Such a Person Exist?
Marrying Your 'Soul Mate': Does Such a Person Exist?
By Edward M. Tauber & Jim Smoke
Authors, Finding the Right One After Divorce
A great marriage is not when the “perfect couple” come together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences. ~ Dave Meurer
Unfortunately, some people use very strange criteria in making their decision about who to marry. They have some limited set of characteristics in their heads that tell them when they’ve found Mr. or Ms. Right. How often have you heard someone say, “I’m getting married because I found my soul mate”?
He Knows My Inner Being
Never fully defined in any literature, the term “soul mate” is used by people as if we all clearly understood what is meant. We have asked a number of people to explain what a soul mate is. We never get the same answer. Nevertheless, it’s a popular buzzword. Some definitions of a soul mate is a person who…
has the same background as you.
thinks like you.
understands you.
knows you before even really knowing you.
knows you better than you know yourself.
you can talk with for hours even when you first meet.
has the same interests and hobbies as you.
has your best interests at heart.
Others say a soul mate…
sees into your inner being.
is like the missing half of you.
is a perfect match for you.
is your twin or counterpart.
is the one, true person for you.
immediately connects with you.
If you think there is only one person out there who is the right one for you, you are vulnerable to marry when you think you have found that person. There is much evidence that there are likely many people in the world who would make an acceptable mate for you. The risk of thinking otherwise is that when you believe you have found “the one,” you abandon all sensibility and are driven to marry that person. Some people believe in soul mates because of their divorce experience. It didn’t work with my ex because he was the “wrong one.” Now I will go and find the right one, who will be the opposite of my ex.
Since you believe there is such a thing as the one soul mate in the world for you, you have some preconceived notions in mind. Some people are searching for someone “just like me.” Others believe that someone is their soul mate if they have similar backgrounds, thoughts, or views. Still others believe they will intuitively know a soul mate by their connectedness to them. We’re not saying that having things in common isn’t important. Quite the contrary, it is very relevant in a successful marriage. The problem comes when you are on a mission to find an individual who has one or a few narrow set of similarities or characteristics, and you take it as a sign to marry.
Finding a soul mate is a great start, but people are multidimensional. You cannot judge a person as right for you because he or she has certain similarities or just seems tuned in to you. Now you need to spend considerable time learning all about other aspects, such as the differences between you, the habits and quirks he has, any shared values, dreams, goals, opinions, and so forth. Don’t fall into the trap of the “soul mate mentality” and think someone is right just based on initial impressions.
When He Said Soul Mate, I Knew…
Sheila was married for 17 years to an advertising executive who was never at home. Their marriage happened because she got pregnant during their dating phase, and they got married to legitimize their offspring. Sheila had three children by the age of 36. The lack of availability of her husband drove Sheila to have an affair with the husband of a friend. This relationship went on undetected for four years before Sheila finally decided she could not handle the strain any longer. At that point she asked for a divorce. Once divorced, the friend’s husband quickly backed out of their tryst. She was suddenly available and a threat to his current marriage.
Sheila did not date for more than a year. Then she began to go out with some men from the office. She expanded this to men friends recommended. This intensive dating went on for more than three years. At first, Sheila didn’t want to remarry, and she gave off that vibe. However, as time passed, she became more and more frustrated. She decided she needed to find her soul mate. When asked what such a man would be like, she answered by saying, “He will know me better than I know myself.” We heard nothing more from her until a friend said she met a man and got engaged.
Later, Sheila said Phil was the man she had been searching for. She knew he was “the one” when he opened the car door for her. He wasn’t like the others she had dated. She and Phil immediately hit it off when he told her he was looking for his soul mate. That triggered a discussion for hours. They were of one accord. Sheila did marry Phil, almost immediately. Problems began early because Phil was about to be laid off at work, something he failed to mention during courtship. This put an immediate strain on the marriage. Phil had to sell his home, and they had to move into a small apartment. The pressures eventually forced Sheila to realize that Phil was not her “soul mate,” and she filed for divorce.
Sheila let herself become a victim of the “soul mate mentality.” After intensively dating men with her attitude of “I’m not interested,” she suddenly got desperate and devised a simple formula for deciding when to get married. They would both be of one accord—meaning he would be looking for a soul mate, too. Phil fit the bill, and his gentlemanly courtship behavior was icing on the cake. No need to dig any further in learning more about him or determining if they were compatible in various areas. Being in tune with each other was enough.
We’re Just Alike
Andy and Joyce had led a hard life until they met. Andy married a girl in high school, divorced before 19, and dropped out of college at 20. He had one job after another. He never could earn enough money to even afford to take someone out on a date. He moved back home to live with his mother. This made things worse because his self-esteem dropped even further. His older sister and brother were both successful professionals, which was salt in his wound. From early childhood, Andy’s mother acted as if she thought Andy was a loser. He’d had poor grades in high school, a failed marriage, a failed college career, and a failing business career all before the age of 25. The more he failed at something, the more his mother reinforced that he was a loser. He acted out her script of a person who could do nothing right. It was a vicious cycle of negative feedback and failure.
Andy met Joyce when a mutual friend suggested they would have a lot in common. Sure enough, the friend was correct. Joyce had grown up in the same town, yet she and Andy had never met. When they began comparing notes, they found tremendous similarities. Joyce’s mother was a very controlling woman who judged Joyce and always found her lacking. No matter what Joyce did or accomplished, it was never good enough for her mother. As a result, Joyce had developed an overeating problem in her teen years. Whenever she tried to lose weight, some conflict would develop with her mother and cause a setback. Even when Joyce went away to college, her “failure in her head” mentality kept her from achieving what she knew she was capable of. Joyce had even tried marriage. In her sophomore year, she married a graduate student who left her after seven months. She attributed the marriage debacle to her eating disorder. She always blamed herself for whatever went wrong.
Andy and Joyce saw in each other some amazing similarities that they interpreted as signs that they were meant for each other. Their relationship seemed to help them, too, because instead of dragging each other down, they were mutually supportive. For the first time, they began to feel good about themselves. There were some red flags, however. Occasionally, if Joyce became depressed, Andy couldn’t handle it. They even separated one time because of this. Another problem was that Joyce was Catholic and Andy was Jewish. Joyce’s mother was totally opposed to the couple marrying. Also, Joyce wanted children, and Andy wasn’t sure. He’d had so much trouble as a child, he didn’t know if he could be a good father.
In spite of these issues, the couple believed that their similarities were the signal that they were right for each other. Joyce was happy to act in opposition to the wishes of her domineering mother. Andy and Joyce’s marriage lasted 11 years, but most of the final 6 were stress-filled. Joyce had again retreated to her illness of overeating, which caused tension in the marriage. Andy continued his struggle to hold a job for more than a year at a time. His out-of-work periods created great financial strain on the marriage. They were not the only ones to suffer from the marriage failure. They had a child who was constantly caught in the middle of the downward spiral of his parents. Some years after the divorce, Joyce committed suicide.
Andy and Joyce were a sad couple who identified with each other’s circumstances and mindsets. Two halves don’t make a whole, but they thought so. Andy was not ready to care for and support another wife. Joyce was still struggling with her overeating disease and was far from mentally healthy. They ignored all the red flags that were obvious to both of them. No doubt, they each believed no one else would have them, and so this was their one opportunity to remarry. When you find someone who has some similarities to you, it is not enough of a basis for a healthy marriage. Andy and Joyce confused similar backgrounds, conditions, and problems with shared interests, dreams, and goals. They had none of those.
His Children Caused Our Divorce
Belinda married a man when she was in her twenties, and it didn’t work out. He told her she was smarter than he was; she made him feel inferior. Belinda was smart, talented, and beautiful. For some men, that’s a threat.
By her mid-thirties, Belinda married again. This time she picked an older man, Frank, who was a senior executive at the company where she worked. He had also been married before and had three sons—two who were teenagers and the third of college age. Belinda had no children, and she had originally worried how well she might be accepted by Frank’s children. As it turned out, they seemed to love her and she blended in well with his family. All went fine until the couple began to squabble. In these instances, Frank would drag his sons into the fight, and they took sides with him. It got so bad that Belinda demanded that the three boys not be allowed in their home. The friction was aggravating an already deteriorating situation. This angered Frank and brought everything to a head. Eventually Frank and Belinda divorced. She told all her friends that she would never again marry a man with children. In fact, she felt so strongly about this that she would not even consider dating someone who was divorced with kids.
Mark had recently moved to town and joined the church where Belinda attended. Mark had never been married and was a little younger than Belinda. When she met him, she set her sights on him as the next “Mr. Belinda.” Nothing would get in her way. He was the perfect candidate. Never married, no children, and no baggage—she thought. They were married, and Belinda found out differently after the wedding. She had never asked if he had children and only found out when she accidentally opened an envelope from one of his past live-ins asking for child support money. Mark had (intentionally) failed to mention that he had lived with two women and had fathered a child with one. He had been too ashamed to tell her this during their short courtship.
Belinda “learned” from her first marriage that a man who has children is not a good husband. She, therefore, concluded that if she could find a man who has no children, she should seriously consider marrying him. This so-called “learning” came about from not allowing enough time to understand what really went wrong in her first marriage and, instead, blaming the presence of her husband’s children for the breakup.
The One-Dimensional Match
What do these stories have in common? They may seem very different, but they are all examples of having one dimension in mind as a trigger for concluding, “I have found the right one. I am ready to remarry.” Sheila was searching for the illusive soul mate. This thinking focused her on a limited dimension of a prospective spouse—someone whom she would immediately “recognize” as her soul mate. This kept her from examining all aspects of her relationship with Phil. How could she be aware of any negative factors with him after concluding from the start “he’s the one”? When you jump to a conclusion that fast, you are assuming all other aspects are irrelevant or will magically work out.
Andy and Joyce identified one important aspect in their lives that they had in common—others thought they were losers. They had become convinced themselves, and so immediately decided to huddle together against the world. Anyone who is feeling so incomplete and inadequate should not consider marriage in that condition. If you already feel like a failure, there is nothing worse than to jump into another marriage, get another divorce, and “prove” it to yourself all over again. You don’t have to have the intense mental problems Joyce had. The normal emotional stress of a divorce can place you in the same condition. This story is not a case of rescue. It’s a case of believing you should marry someone because he or she is in the same predicament you are. Misery loves company.
When you divorce, you immediately look for the culprit. With a lot of time passed, you will see things differently. You will learn what you contributed to your marriage failing. Time helps us see more clearly when the anger and grieving are past. If you don’t wait for that time to elapse before doing a post-mortem on the marriage, you are likely to conclude something very narrow like Belinda did: The divorce occurred because her husband had children. Armed with this “fact,” she set out to find a childless husband replacement.
The Perfect Person
We have heard many other versions of this story—where a divorced individual has a “perfect” person in mind. The ideal usually relates to one attribute—often the reverse of what the ex-spouse had. He doesn’t drink. She won’t be such a religious fanatic. He won’t travel in his job. She won’t have an ex-husband who lives in town. From these examples, you can write the story about what happened in the previous marriage. Is it wrong to be concerned about issues such as these, especially if they were a problem in your past marriage? No, of course not. The problem is one-dimensional searching: When you are so focused on one issue you tend to ignore other things. Because someone you date has or doesn’t have the characteristic you are looking for is no guarantee of success in marriage. You still have to do the hard work and allow the time to make sure he or she has other good qualities and not any horrible ones. You also have to be observant of the dynamics between you. How do you two interact in various circumstances? What does he do that causes conflict? How does she behave when under pressure? To gauge all of this takes time, an open mind, and an objective attitude. It sounds cold and calculating, but remember, divorce is painful and affects your entire family.
Sign of an Unhealed Divorce
Another reason that single-dimension searching is a problem is that it is a sign of an unhealed divorce. Think about it. Sheila sought a soul mate believing that was what was missing in her prior marriage. She was frantically dating. She was frustrated and desperate. Does this sound like a woman who has allowed time to pass and worked through her problems to become healthy and independent?
Then we have Andy and Joyce, two people who needed to get their own acts together before putting their problems on each other. They were each still struggling with low self-esteem from childhood, which was reinforced in their previous divorces. Andy was still living at home with mom. Joyce was unable to control overeating, a clue that she was not well.
Finally, Belinda had gone through two marriages and was still confused about what had happened. When you are still blaming someone else for the failure of your marriage, you need to remain in recovery and accept what you did and learn forgiveness. Belinda wasn’t close to accomplishing that. She was still playing the blame game.
If you are on a one-track search for Mr. or Ms. Right, you are not ready to remarry. Don’t get confused when you date that because someone has what you deem desirable similarities to you, this is enough of a basis for marrying.
Are You at Risk?
Searching for a soul mate can be dangerous. Are you at risk for this behavior? Do you…
have a “soul mate mentality”?
believe you will know the “right one” the minute you meet him or her?
search for your next spouse looking for one important trait—maybe the opposite of what your ex had?
think there is only one person in the world who is right for you, and you are on a mission to find him or her?
have a set of criteria for the ideal spouse or a simple formula for knowing who would be your soul mate?
Here are some tips to help you avoid trapping yourself in the soul mate myth.
Retrain your thinking. If you have a “soul mate mentality,” educate yourself about the risks. One way to do this is to read and reread the stories in this book of redivorced people who naively searched for their soul mates only to get burned because they refused to see or acknowledge any problems once they made up their minds.
Don’t shop for duplicates or opposites. Finding your mirror-image mate in background or experience is no assurance of a good match. Likewise, just because someone doesn’t have the ugly habits or traits of your ex (drinking, yelling, spending, controlling) doesn’t mean he will be right for you, either. List the problems of your past marriage(s) and make certain that these are not the only criteria you use to select a future spouse.
Don’t be unequally yoked. If you choose someone who has a major difference in belief systems from you, it is likely to become a problem after the “honeymoon phase” is over. When your most fundamental beliefs are at odds, you will eventually see divisions creep into the marriage that could lead to its downfall. Any disagreements or major differences in belief systems will certainly become more pronounced if and when children are part of your family.
Allow enough time dating. Quick decisions about a soul mate can be overcome if you date someone at least a few years before marrying. Be alert to problems and red flags.
Taken from: Finding the Right One After Divorce. Copyright © 2007 by Edward M. Tauber and Jim Smoke. Published by Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, OR. Used by permission.
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Edward M Tauber, a corporate researcher, industry consultant, and divorce counselor, received his Ph.D. from Cornell University. A former professor and department chairman at the University of Southern California, he's also been a senior executive and consultant with Fortune 500 companies.
Jim Smoke is an internationally known author, speaker, and life coach. A pioneer in the divorce recovery field, he has worked with singles and singles-again for more than 30 years. Jim has written 17 books, including his bestselling Growing Through Divorce (nearly 600,000 copies sold).
By Edward M. Tauber & Jim Smoke
Authors, Finding the Right One After Divorce
A great marriage is not when the “perfect couple” come together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences. ~ Dave Meurer
Unfortunately, some people use very strange criteria in making their decision about who to marry. They have some limited set of characteristics in their heads that tell them when they’ve found Mr. or Ms. Right. How often have you heard someone say, “I’m getting married because I found my soul mate”?
He Knows My Inner Being
Never fully defined in any literature, the term “soul mate” is used by people as if we all clearly understood what is meant. We have asked a number of people to explain what a soul mate is. We never get the same answer. Nevertheless, it’s a popular buzzword. Some definitions of a soul mate is a person who…
has the same background as you.
thinks like you.
understands you.
knows you before even really knowing you.
knows you better than you know yourself.
you can talk with for hours even when you first meet.
has the same interests and hobbies as you.
has your best interests at heart.
Others say a soul mate…
sees into your inner being.
is like the missing half of you.
is a perfect match for you.
is your twin or counterpart.
is the one, true person for you.
immediately connects with you.
If you think there is only one person out there who is the right one for you, you are vulnerable to marry when you think you have found that person. There is much evidence that there are likely many people in the world who would make an acceptable mate for you. The risk of thinking otherwise is that when you believe you have found “the one,” you abandon all sensibility and are driven to marry that person. Some people believe in soul mates because of their divorce experience. It didn’t work with my ex because he was the “wrong one.” Now I will go and find the right one, who will be the opposite of my ex.
Since you believe there is such a thing as the one soul mate in the world for you, you have some preconceived notions in mind. Some people are searching for someone “just like me.” Others believe that someone is their soul mate if they have similar backgrounds, thoughts, or views. Still others believe they will intuitively know a soul mate by their connectedness to them. We’re not saying that having things in common isn’t important. Quite the contrary, it is very relevant in a successful marriage. The problem comes when you are on a mission to find an individual who has one or a few narrow set of similarities or characteristics, and you take it as a sign to marry.
Finding a soul mate is a great start, but people are multidimensional. You cannot judge a person as right for you because he or she has certain similarities or just seems tuned in to you. Now you need to spend considerable time learning all about other aspects, such as the differences between you, the habits and quirks he has, any shared values, dreams, goals, opinions, and so forth. Don’t fall into the trap of the “soul mate mentality” and think someone is right just based on initial impressions.
When He Said Soul Mate, I Knew…
Sheila was married for 17 years to an advertising executive who was never at home. Their marriage happened because she got pregnant during their dating phase, and they got married to legitimize their offspring. Sheila had three children by the age of 36. The lack of availability of her husband drove Sheila to have an affair with the husband of a friend. This relationship went on undetected for four years before Sheila finally decided she could not handle the strain any longer. At that point she asked for a divorce. Once divorced, the friend’s husband quickly backed out of their tryst. She was suddenly available and a threat to his current marriage.
Sheila did not date for more than a year. Then she began to go out with some men from the office. She expanded this to men friends recommended. This intensive dating went on for more than three years. At first, Sheila didn’t want to remarry, and she gave off that vibe. However, as time passed, she became more and more frustrated. She decided she needed to find her soul mate. When asked what such a man would be like, she answered by saying, “He will know me better than I know myself.” We heard nothing more from her until a friend said she met a man and got engaged.
Later, Sheila said Phil was the man she had been searching for. She knew he was “the one” when he opened the car door for her. He wasn’t like the others she had dated. She and Phil immediately hit it off when he told her he was looking for his soul mate. That triggered a discussion for hours. They were of one accord. Sheila did marry Phil, almost immediately. Problems began early because Phil was about to be laid off at work, something he failed to mention during courtship. This put an immediate strain on the marriage. Phil had to sell his home, and they had to move into a small apartment. The pressures eventually forced Sheila to realize that Phil was not her “soul mate,” and she filed for divorce.
Sheila let herself become a victim of the “soul mate mentality.” After intensively dating men with her attitude of “I’m not interested,” she suddenly got desperate and devised a simple formula for deciding when to get married. They would both be of one accord—meaning he would be looking for a soul mate, too. Phil fit the bill, and his gentlemanly courtship behavior was icing on the cake. No need to dig any further in learning more about him or determining if they were compatible in various areas. Being in tune with each other was enough.
We’re Just Alike
Andy and Joyce had led a hard life until they met. Andy married a girl in high school, divorced before 19, and dropped out of college at 20. He had one job after another. He never could earn enough money to even afford to take someone out on a date. He moved back home to live with his mother. This made things worse because his self-esteem dropped even further. His older sister and brother were both successful professionals, which was salt in his wound. From early childhood, Andy’s mother acted as if she thought Andy was a loser. He’d had poor grades in high school, a failed marriage, a failed college career, and a failing business career all before the age of 25. The more he failed at something, the more his mother reinforced that he was a loser. He acted out her script of a person who could do nothing right. It was a vicious cycle of negative feedback and failure.
Andy met Joyce when a mutual friend suggested they would have a lot in common. Sure enough, the friend was correct. Joyce had grown up in the same town, yet she and Andy had never met. When they began comparing notes, they found tremendous similarities. Joyce’s mother was a very controlling woman who judged Joyce and always found her lacking. No matter what Joyce did or accomplished, it was never good enough for her mother. As a result, Joyce had developed an overeating problem in her teen years. Whenever she tried to lose weight, some conflict would develop with her mother and cause a setback. Even when Joyce went away to college, her “failure in her head” mentality kept her from achieving what she knew she was capable of. Joyce had even tried marriage. In her sophomore year, she married a graduate student who left her after seven months. She attributed the marriage debacle to her eating disorder. She always blamed herself for whatever went wrong.
Andy and Joyce saw in each other some amazing similarities that they interpreted as signs that they were meant for each other. Their relationship seemed to help them, too, because instead of dragging each other down, they were mutually supportive. For the first time, they began to feel good about themselves. There were some red flags, however. Occasionally, if Joyce became depressed, Andy couldn’t handle it. They even separated one time because of this. Another problem was that Joyce was Catholic and Andy was Jewish. Joyce’s mother was totally opposed to the couple marrying. Also, Joyce wanted children, and Andy wasn’t sure. He’d had so much trouble as a child, he didn’t know if he could be a good father.
In spite of these issues, the couple believed that their similarities were the signal that they were right for each other. Joyce was happy to act in opposition to the wishes of her domineering mother. Andy and Joyce’s marriage lasted 11 years, but most of the final 6 were stress-filled. Joyce had again retreated to her illness of overeating, which caused tension in the marriage. Andy continued his struggle to hold a job for more than a year at a time. His out-of-work periods created great financial strain on the marriage. They were not the only ones to suffer from the marriage failure. They had a child who was constantly caught in the middle of the downward spiral of his parents. Some years after the divorce, Joyce committed suicide.
Andy and Joyce were a sad couple who identified with each other’s circumstances and mindsets. Two halves don’t make a whole, but they thought so. Andy was not ready to care for and support another wife. Joyce was still struggling with her overeating disease and was far from mentally healthy. They ignored all the red flags that were obvious to both of them. No doubt, they each believed no one else would have them, and so this was their one opportunity to remarry. When you find someone who has some similarities to you, it is not enough of a basis for a healthy marriage. Andy and Joyce confused similar backgrounds, conditions, and problems with shared interests, dreams, and goals. They had none of those.
His Children Caused Our Divorce
Belinda married a man when she was in her twenties, and it didn’t work out. He told her she was smarter than he was; she made him feel inferior. Belinda was smart, talented, and beautiful. For some men, that’s a threat.
By her mid-thirties, Belinda married again. This time she picked an older man, Frank, who was a senior executive at the company where she worked. He had also been married before and had three sons—two who were teenagers and the third of college age. Belinda had no children, and she had originally worried how well she might be accepted by Frank’s children. As it turned out, they seemed to love her and she blended in well with his family. All went fine until the couple began to squabble. In these instances, Frank would drag his sons into the fight, and they took sides with him. It got so bad that Belinda demanded that the three boys not be allowed in their home. The friction was aggravating an already deteriorating situation. This angered Frank and brought everything to a head. Eventually Frank and Belinda divorced. She told all her friends that she would never again marry a man with children. In fact, she felt so strongly about this that she would not even consider dating someone who was divorced with kids.
Mark had recently moved to town and joined the church where Belinda attended. Mark had never been married and was a little younger than Belinda. When she met him, she set her sights on him as the next “Mr. Belinda.” Nothing would get in her way. He was the perfect candidate. Never married, no children, and no baggage—she thought. They were married, and Belinda found out differently after the wedding. She had never asked if he had children and only found out when she accidentally opened an envelope from one of his past live-ins asking for child support money. Mark had (intentionally) failed to mention that he had lived with two women and had fathered a child with one. He had been too ashamed to tell her this during their short courtship.
Belinda “learned” from her first marriage that a man who has children is not a good husband. She, therefore, concluded that if she could find a man who has no children, she should seriously consider marrying him. This so-called “learning” came about from not allowing enough time to understand what really went wrong in her first marriage and, instead, blaming the presence of her husband’s children for the breakup.
The One-Dimensional Match
What do these stories have in common? They may seem very different, but they are all examples of having one dimension in mind as a trigger for concluding, “I have found the right one. I am ready to remarry.” Sheila was searching for the illusive soul mate. This thinking focused her on a limited dimension of a prospective spouse—someone whom she would immediately “recognize” as her soul mate. This kept her from examining all aspects of her relationship with Phil. How could she be aware of any negative factors with him after concluding from the start “he’s the one”? When you jump to a conclusion that fast, you are assuming all other aspects are irrelevant or will magically work out.
Andy and Joyce identified one important aspect in their lives that they had in common—others thought they were losers. They had become convinced themselves, and so immediately decided to huddle together against the world. Anyone who is feeling so incomplete and inadequate should not consider marriage in that condition. If you already feel like a failure, there is nothing worse than to jump into another marriage, get another divorce, and “prove” it to yourself all over again. You don’t have to have the intense mental problems Joyce had. The normal emotional stress of a divorce can place you in the same condition. This story is not a case of rescue. It’s a case of believing you should marry someone because he or she is in the same predicament you are. Misery loves company.
When you divorce, you immediately look for the culprit. With a lot of time passed, you will see things differently. You will learn what you contributed to your marriage failing. Time helps us see more clearly when the anger and grieving are past. If you don’t wait for that time to elapse before doing a post-mortem on the marriage, you are likely to conclude something very narrow like Belinda did: The divorce occurred because her husband had children. Armed with this “fact,” she set out to find a childless husband replacement.
The Perfect Person
We have heard many other versions of this story—where a divorced individual has a “perfect” person in mind. The ideal usually relates to one attribute—often the reverse of what the ex-spouse had. He doesn’t drink. She won’t be such a religious fanatic. He won’t travel in his job. She won’t have an ex-husband who lives in town. From these examples, you can write the story about what happened in the previous marriage. Is it wrong to be concerned about issues such as these, especially if they were a problem in your past marriage? No, of course not. The problem is one-dimensional searching: When you are so focused on one issue you tend to ignore other things. Because someone you date has or doesn’t have the characteristic you are looking for is no guarantee of success in marriage. You still have to do the hard work and allow the time to make sure he or she has other good qualities and not any horrible ones. You also have to be observant of the dynamics between you. How do you two interact in various circumstances? What does he do that causes conflict? How does she behave when under pressure? To gauge all of this takes time, an open mind, and an objective attitude. It sounds cold and calculating, but remember, divorce is painful and affects your entire family.
Sign of an Unhealed Divorce
Another reason that single-dimension searching is a problem is that it is a sign of an unhealed divorce. Think about it. Sheila sought a soul mate believing that was what was missing in her prior marriage. She was frantically dating. She was frustrated and desperate. Does this sound like a woman who has allowed time to pass and worked through her problems to become healthy and independent?
Then we have Andy and Joyce, two people who needed to get their own acts together before putting their problems on each other. They were each still struggling with low self-esteem from childhood, which was reinforced in their previous divorces. Andy was still living at home with mom. Joyce was unable to control overeating, a clue that she was not well.
Finally, Belinda had gone through two marriages and was still confused about what had happened. When you are still blaming someone else for the failure of your marriage, you need to remain in recovery and accept what you did and learn forgiveness. Belinda wasn’t close to accomplishing that. She was still playing the blame game.
If you are on a one-track search for Mr. or Ms. Right, you are not ready to remarry. Don’t get confused when you date that because someone has what you deem desirable similarities to you, this is enough of a basis for marrying.
Are You at Risk?
Searching for a soul mate can be dangerous. Are you at risk for this behavior? Do you…
have a “soul mate mentality”?
believe you will know the “right one” the minute you meet him or her?
search for your next spouse looking for one important trait—maybe the opposite of what your ex had?
think there is only one person in the world who is right for you, and you are on a mission to find him or her?
have a set of criteria for the ideal spouse or a simple formula for knowing who would be your soul mate?
Here are some tips to help you avoid trapping yourself in the soul mate myth.
Retrain your thinking. If you have a “soul mate mentality,” educate yourself about the risks. One way to do this is to read and reread the stories in this book of redivorced people who naively searched for their soul mates only to get burned because they refused to see or acknowledge any problems once they made up their minds.
Don’t shop for duplicates or opposites. Finding your mirror-image mate in background or experience is no assurance of a good match. Likewise, just because someone doesn’t have the ugly habits or traits of your ex (drinking, yelling, spending, controlling) doesn’t mean he will be right for you, either. List the problems of your past marriage(s) and make certain that these are not the only criteria you use to select a future spouse.
Don’t be unequally yoked. If you choose someone who has a major difference in belief systems from you, it is likely to become a problem after the “honeymoon phase” is over. When your most fundamental beliefs are at odds, you will eventually see divisions creep into the marriage that could lead to its downfall. Any disagreements or major differences in belief systems will certainly become more pronounced if and when children are part of your family.
Allow enough time dating. Quick decisions about a soul mate can be overcome if you date someone at least a few years before marrying. Be alert to problems and red flags.
Taken from: Finding the Right One After Divorce. Copyright © 2007 by Edward M. Tauber and Jim Smoke. Published by Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, OR. Used by permission.
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Edward M Tauber, a corporate researcher, industry consultant, and divorce counselor, received his Ph.D. from Cornell University. A former professor and department chairman at the University of Southern California, he's also been a senior executive and consultant with Fortune 500 companies.
Jim Smoke is an internationally known author, speaker, and life coach. A pioneer in the divorce recovery field, he has worked with singles and singles-again for more than 30 years. Jim has written 17 books, including his bestselling Growing Through Divorce (nearly 600,000 copies sold).
Washington Redskins vs. New York Giants - Week 1
Washington Redskins vs. New York Giants - Week 1
Thursday, September 4, 2007
Giants Stadium At The New Jersey Meadowlands
East Rutherford, New Jersey
7:00 pm
East Rutherford --
The Giants came out guns ablaze fresh off the Super Bowl XLII victory in Phoenix in February. NBC, famous for letting the suspense build for a sporting event (see: NBA on NBC, 1990-2002), got us riled up with footage of Michael Strahan and Super Bowl Hero David Tyree hoisting the trophy in midtown Manhattan the other day, and later, the trophy being escorted to East Rutherford. Then, Strahan got the crowd at Giants Stadium pumped with his "STOMP YOU OUT" speech.
Opening drive was sparkling. Eli Manning made a couple of great throws, Plaxico Burress, fresh off a new contract extension signed just before the game, was making acrobatic catches all night. Brandon Jacobs, who is always fired up, started the NFL season RIGHT by trucking Redskins' safety LaRon Landry. Jacobs, who goes 6'4" 265 lbs, is the biggest and most nimble running back the league has ever seen and does not fall with the slightest tap (you know who I am referring to). Landry is no slouch. He is going to be a stud in this league and came into the NFL with the reputation as a rangy hitter that can run sideline to sideline and make great plays. He's used to laying the lumber. This time, he got it laid to him and got knocked out, Debo style.
The first Giants' drive lead to a touchdown, but after that, suspect playcalling, lackadaisical throws by Eli Manning and a few adjustments by the Redskins' defense led to three field goals the rest of the night for the Giants' offense.
The biggest question would be how would Redskins' coach Jim Zorn fare with his West Coast Offense and QB Jason Campbell. The preseason was no fluke. The Redskins are BAD right now. They will get better as they adapt to the system, but they looked terrible for half the game. Of course, part of this was due to the Giants' defense, which despite missing Strahan and Osi Umenyiora, and playing a currently inept offense, were DOMINANT all night. It could have been Dallas or New England and the Giants' defense would have dominated. I, for one, believe the talking heads on ESPN and FOX Sports (most of whom hate the Giants anyway) have overstated the significance of Strahan's departure (which most Giants fans and the front office anticipated) and Umenyiora's injury (given that Justin Tuck is about to become a STUD defensive end that teams will have to scheme around all season). The Giants' defense will be fine. PERIOD.
The only question is: Can Eli continue what he did down the stretch in 2007? Will Toomer be bumped to the sideline in favor of Manningham or Hixon, now that he cannot get open anymore? Will Kiwanuka continue being as effective as he was in 2007 before his injury and last night? We will see. I had the Giants winning 12 before Umenyiora's injury. I still have them winning 10, possibly 11. There is no slippage.
Clinton Portis did well to get 84 yards, when there were hardly no holes in the offensive line to run through. He is a great back and I've always respected him. Mathias Kiwanuka does, too, now that he got chipped pretty good by Portis in the 2nd half. The Redskins have players. This was Week 1. Both teams are rusty. The Redskins are installing a new offense. Giants' defensive coordinator Steve Spagnuolo (or as Troy Aikman calls him, "Steve Spagnola") has been shuttling players in and out as he contours his defense to fit the personnel that remains after free agent defections, retirements and injuries. Despite all this, the next time these two teams meet -- expect more of the same. The Redskins will be better in all phases, but so will the Giants.
Week 2 -
New York Giants at St. Louis Rams
Edward Jones Dome
St. Louis, Missouri
1:00 PM
Thursday, September 4, 2007
Giants Stadium At The New Jersey Meadowlands
East Rutherford, New Jersey
7:00 pm
East Rutherford --
The Giants came out guns ablaze fresh off the Super Bowl XLII victory in Phoenix in February. NBC, famous for letting the suspense build for a sporting event (see: NBA on NBC, 1990-2002), got us riled up with footage of Michael Strahan and Super Bowl Hero David Tyree hoisting the trophy in midtown Manhattan the other day, and later, the trophy being escorted to East Rutherford. Then, Strahan got the crowd at Giants Stadium pumped with his "STOMP YOU OUT" speech.
Opening drive was sparkling. Eli Manning made a couple of great throws, Plaxico Burress, fresh off a new contract extension signed just before the game, was making acrobatic catches all night. Brandon Jacobs, who is always fired up, started the NFL season RIGHT by trucking Redskins' safety LaRon Landry. Jacobs, who goes 6'4" 265 lbs, is the biggest and most nimble running back the league has ever seen and does not fall with the slightest tap (you know who I am referring to). Landry is no slouch. He is going to be a stud in this league and came into the NFL with the reputation as a rangy hitter that can run sideline to sideline and make great plays. He's used to laying the lumber. This time, he got it laid to him and got knocked out, Debo style.
The first Giants' drive lead to a touchdown, but after that, suspect playcalling, lackadaisical throws by Eli Manning and a few adjustments by the Redskins' defense led to three field goals the rest of the night for the Giants' offense.
The biggest question would be how would Redskins' coach Jim Zorn fare with his West Coast Offense and QB Jason Campbell. The preseason was no fluke. The Redskins are BAD right now. They will get better as they adapt to the system, but they looked terrible for half the game. Of course, part of this was due to the Giants' defense, which despite missing Strahan and Osi Umenyiora, and playing a currently inept offense, were DOMINANT all night. It could have been Dallas or New England and the Giants' defense would have dominated. I, for one, believe the talking heads on ESPN and FOX Sports (most of whom hate the Giants anyway) have overstated the significance of Strahan's departure (which most Giants fans and the front office anticipated) and Umenyiora's injury (given that Justin Tuck is about to become a STUD defensive end that teams will have to scheme around all season). The Giants' defense will be fine. PERIOD.
The only question is: Can Eli continue what he did down the stretch in 2007? Will Toomer be bumped to the sideline in favor of Manningham or Hixon, now that he cannot get open anymore? Will Kiwanuka continue being as effective as he was in 2007 before his injury and last night? We will see. I had the Giants winning 12 before Umenyiora's injury. I still have them winning 10, possibly 11. There is no slippage.
Clinton Portis did well to get 84 yards, when there were hardly no holes in the offensive line to run through. He is a great back and I've always respected him. Mathias Kiwanuka does, too, now that he got chipped pretty good by Portis in the 2nd half. The Redskins have players. This was Week 1. Both teams are rusty. The Redskins are installing a new offense. Giants' defensive coordinator Steve Spagnuolo (or as Troy Aikman calls him, "Steve Spagnola") has been shuttling players in and out as he contours his defense to fit the personnel that remains after free agent defections, retirements and injuries. Despite all this, the next time these two teams meet -- expect more of the same. The Redskins will be better in all phases, but so will the Giants.
Week 2 -
New York Giants at St. Louis Rams
Edward Jones Dome
St. Louis, Missouri
1:00 PM
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