7 Relationship Mistakes That Men Make
By The Fly Guy ⋅ June 6, 2008
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“I was so close.”
That’s what you kept telling yourself as you attempted to once again pick up the pieces following another failed relationship. But can you really be blamed for having those thoughts? After all, it wasn’t that long ago when you were so sure you had finally found “the one.”
Sadly, it wasn’t meant to be; and now you’re sitting at home, watching “Laverne & Shirley” reruns on Nick at Nite, wondering where it all went wrong.
“It was all her fault,” you tried to tell yourself. But deep down, you knew the truth. You blew it again.
But look on the bright side. If you could somehow manage to avoid the 7 Relationship Mistakes That Men Make; then maybe things will have a much better outcome the next time around.
1. You start slacking off.
When you first started dating, she would brag nonstop to her friends about how romantic, caring, and thoughtful you were. But now when her friends ask about the relationship, she simply rolls her eyes, and says, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Let’s face it; you used to be the cream of the crop and a proud member of the “good boyfriend club.” But not anymore, as you’ve become about as lazy as Kimora Lee Simmons’ personal trainer. (I mean seriously …she deserves a refund.)
2. You get too serious, too fast.
Whoa …Whoa…Whoa. I know you’re excited about your new relationship, but you can’t start having “marriage, kids, and soul mate” talk — on DAY 2!!! Moving too fast often leads to getting tossed aside faster than an empty Lindsay Lohan shot glass.
3. You live in the past.
The two of you have settled into a pretty nice relationship. There’s just one problem though: you keep bringing up the past, using it as ammunition to fire off reasons why the relationship won’t work.
“My last girlfriend cheated on me.”
“Things always seem good in the beginning, only to change down the road.”
“You’ve broken hearts in the past. How do I really know that you’ve changed?”
And on and on it goes. In fact, I haven’t heard this much whining since my aunt bought Keith Sweat’s “Greatest Hits” album.
4. You don’t show her enough attention.
Here’s a bit of advice: stop trying to play things so cool. A huge mistake would be for you to casually overlook the fact that your woman needs to be shown some attention. Look at it this way; if you fail to make her feel special, then she will have no choice but to fill that void elsewhere — which will probably hurt your feelings when she leaves you for her “best friend” — or even worse, some Hollywood heartthrob like Will Smith, Brad Pitt … or Morgan Freeman (Hell, I don’t know who women find sexy these days.)
5. You smother her.
On the flipside, some guys can show too much attention by trying to spend EVERY SINGLE MINUTE with their woman. And even when they aren’t with her, they call nonstop, and send at least one email a day professing how wonderful and perfect she is. While she may initially be flattered, no one wants to be suffocated by love. Being smothered in a relationship can be about as draining as trying to silence your outspoken ex-President husband. (Is that still a touchy subject?)
6. You let her take the lead.
While no woman wants to be told what to do, she also doesn’t want a man with no backbone (I can think of a few prominent examples to insert here, but I’ll respectfully decline.) Step up and be a man that’s confident in who you are and what you want out of life. If you don’t, and allow her to totally run the show, then she will never respect you, and ultimately move on to a man that she can respect.
7. You start going nowhere fast.
While your woman doesn’t want you to move too fast, she also doesn’t want the relationship to remain in neutral. If she looks up after a year, and feels like no forward progress is being made, then she’s not going to be happy. Not making any effort towards the development of something meaningful is an even bigger mistake than the time I let Wesley Snipes refer me to his tax accountant.
The Fly Conclusion: Now that I’ve shared with you the common relationship mistakes made by men, a choice must be made. Will you continue to fumble the ball at the goal line, ultimately blowing a shot at true relational happiness? Or will keep your eyes open, thereby avoiding those pitfalls? The choice is yours.
And now it’s time for me to hear from the men. Have you ever been guilty of these relationship mistakes? If so, did you eventually learn your lesson?
What about the women? Have you ever been forced to kick a guy to the curb for being in violation of any of these mistakes? The floor is officially yours.
As politically incorrect as I wanna be.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Preparing To Marry Judas?
Preparing To Marry Judas?
Meg Wilson
Crosswalk.com Contributor
Tracy, an attractive brunette, sat in Sue’s living room pouring out her disappointment in round salty drops. Sue was her friend from college, and they had shared many joys and tears over the years.
“I thought I did it right,” Tracy sobbed. “I dated only Christian guys with marriage potential. Once I found Mr. Right, we waited for the wedding before becoming involved physically. He seemed like such a godly man.”
Then came her bombshell.
“We didn’t even make it to our second anniversary before he cheated on me. Then I found out he was looking at pornography on the internet and has been since he was a teen. I feel like I married a traitor. How many nights has he come home to me after being with her, or looking at countless images, only to give me a Judas kiss? My folks told me we were going too fast. Even you tried to tell me.”
Sue worked with the college girls at her church, and as she listened to Tracy’s story, her mind raced to recent conversations with a girl in her group. Brittany talked about her “Mr. Right” and nothing else.
“He is such a good Christian,” Brittany often said. “I just love to watch him play the guitar with the church worship team. I can SO see myself with this guy.”
At the next youth meeting, with Tracy’s story fresh in Sue’s mind, she decided to ask Brittany some basic questions. Their conversation went something like this.
“How long have you known Jeff?” Sue asked.
“Two wonderful months.”
“What makes him a good Christian?”
“He loves to worship the Lord and he likes going to church.”
“What is one fault that you’ve found?”
Brittany looked confused, “Oh, I can’t think of anything. He is everything I prayed for in a guy.”
Sue paused, “What about his family, how do you get along with them?”
“Oh, we hardly see them. We just love being together. Why so many questions, Sue?”
Sue gathered her thoughts before she spoke.“Brittany, it’s great that you’ve found someone special, but now’s the time to really get to know Jeff and his family. If you did get married, it would be a package deal. You would not only get Jeff, but also a mother and father-in-law. Not to mention his siblings and other family members.”
“I never thought about it like that,” Brittany said.
Sue asked, “What will you do when the first real test comes?"
“What kind of test?”
“Brittany, you both will let the other down at some point. Every one of Jesus’ disciples who loved him betrayed Him after his crucifixion.”
Brittany stared at Sue with a puzzled expression. Then she said, “I haven’t really given this relationship enough thought. It’s all been about my feelings and dreams. Thanks for being real. I’m going to have to open my eyes and ask some hard questions.”
Sue decided to see how the other girls felt about finding their future husbands. How many other young women, like Brittany, approached dating with only idealistic notions about marriage? Their search for “Mr. Right” had turned into a search for “Mr. Feel Right.” These dreamy ideas come from movies, romance novels, even fairy-tales — all based in fantasy! Christian women often add the ideal of Jesus on top of these romantic notions, forgetting He was the only perfect Man. And He won’t be found at the altar in a rented tux.
Many young women also envision their future husband, their prince, as a new and improved version of their dad — assuming they had a healthy relationship. If the relationship was poor or damaged, then they choose a “prince” that they think is a polar opposite of Dad.
With these common approaches to finding “Mr. Right” in mind, Sue broached another important subject with the group. She decided to start with a question. “How did you choose where to go to college?”
Emily, one of the quietest girls, spoke first. “My parents have been saving for me to go to college since I was born. It was never ‘if’ I would go, only ‘when.’ I researched different colleges for months with good nursing programs. Then my folks and I visited a couple of my top choices to get a feel for the campus.”
The rest of the girls spelled out similar plans. They all seemed to have taken the time to research colleges and majors carefully. Most of the girls even visited more than one college. They didn’t want to make a mistake. This conversation stood in stark contrast to the ideas expressed about how to find “Mr. Right.”
Sue decided to put together some topics to discuss with the girls over the next few weeks. After researching some of the issues godly men struggle with, she had clear direction for their discussions. The statistics on young men who view pornography were off the charts. It is clear that drug use and oral sex among teens have skyrocketed. Alcoholism, gambling ... the list of potential traps is a lengthy one. She wondered if young women knew how to set boundaries, appreciate their worth, watch for red flags, and ask difficult questions before they walk down the aisle wearing white.
Sue sought to raise her group’s awareness without creating fear. She reminded them to let God direct every aspect of their life’s journey, keeping in mind, “There’s not one totally good person on earth, not one who is truly pure and sinless” (Ecclesiastes 7:20). Allowing Christ to be their Matchmaker makes the most sense. He will choose the best. Even seemingly strong marriages face trials because we are broken people living in a broken world — a world full of betrayers.
So the question is not, “How can I avoid marrying a Judas?” The question is, “How can one broken person marry another broken person and stay together in spite of their sinfulness?”
The goal is to be transformed from being like a Judas to a Peter — restored by the hand of Christ. Peter betrayed Jesus just as Judas did, but his repentant heart sought change. He never forgot where he came from. Only when both husband and wife are honest with themselves and with each other can they grow stronger. Their life long goal should be to reflect Christ more each day. Only when God is central can a marriage survive the bumps in the road. “A three-stranded rope isn't easily snapped” (Ecclesiastes 4:12d).
Later, Sue called her friend, Tracy, to see how she was doing. Tracy’s voice sounded stronger as she spoke. “I am happy to report that my husband and I are in counseling. He seems genuinely sorry and willing to work on his issues. I’m not kidding myself, though, about our future. I have decided to take each day as it unfolds trusting the Lord to guide me.”
“You can’t go wrong waiting for God’s voice.” Sue added.
Tracy responded, “I had to be willing to do my part to heal. Christ has been showing me the ways I’ve enabled my husband to be unhealthy by not recognizing the red flags and setting boundaries. My counselor helped me to see that I wanted the dream so much that I ignored the truth in front of me -- it’s humbling. I’m not as quick to throw stones at my husband.”
As she hung up, Sue thought she heard a new confidence in Tracy’s voice. She was amazed again at how the Lord works. Next week's conversation with the girls was going to be, “the dream vs. reality.”
Tools You Can Use:
Once in a serious relationship that feels like “the one,” then:
1. Take the time for a serious second look.
2. Seek Godly counsel and listen to those who are trustworthy.
3. Ask some difficult questions (see below).
Asking Unromantic Questions
Ask one or two questions over several weeks so it doesn’t feel like the third degree. Pray and let God guide the conversation. I guarantee you will know more about each other when you are through. Be willing to be vulnerable as you share your side of the same question. This list isn’t complete, but it’s a good place to start.
When dating:
What’s most important to you in a relationship?
What quality found in your mom and or dad do you want to emulate?
What is the one thing in your past you most regret?
Describe your idea of the perfect spouse.
What does romance mean to you? Do you consider yourself romantic?
What are your physical boundaries before marriage?
When engaged:
What one thing do you want to be different in your marriage than in your parents?
If there were a conflict in our marriage we couldn’t work out, would you be willing to seek godly counseling?
What do you think about a man hitting a woman? Is it ever okay?
Do you want kids? If so, describe your idea of a good parent.
How do you handle your money? Are you a spender or saver?
How do you feel about lottery tickets, social drinking, smoking pot, etc?
What are your views on sex before to marriage?
Have you ever looked at pornography of any kind?
Do you think it’s okay to have a stripper at a bachelor party?
What, if any, are your past sexual experiences?
When were you the angriest? What did you do or how did you respond?
If you haven’t talked about these issues — do. Please don’t assume you already know the answer. The reality is there will be at least one answer you don’t like. This is a sign there is work to do -- not necessarily that you should call things off. The best situation is a couple living firmly in reality, willing to work on their issues.
*All names (other than the author’s) have been changed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Crosswalk.com welcome's Meg Wilson as the newest contributor to our Marriage channel.
Meg is a regular speaker to women’s groups, Bible studies, and conferences. Five years ago she founded the Healing Hearts Ministry to offer help and hope to women whose husbands are caught in the web of sexual addiction. Her book Hope After Betrayel: Healing When Sexual Addiction Invades Your Marriage (Kregel Publishers) was released last year. You can visit her website at www.hopeafterbetrayal.com.
Meg Wilson
Crosswalk.com Contributor
Tracy, an attractive brunette, sat in Sue’s living room pouring out her disappointment in round salty drops. Sue was her friend from college, and they had shared many joys and tears over the years.
“I thought I did it right,” Tracy sobbed. “I dated only Christian guys with marriage potential. Once I found Mr. Right, we waited for the wedding before becoming involved physically. He seemed like such a godly man.”
Then came her bombshell.
“We didn’t even make it to our second anniversary before he cheated on me. Then I found out he was looking at pornography on the internet and has been since he was a teen. I feel like I married a traitor. How many nights has he come home to me after being with her, or looking at countless images, only to give me a Judas kiss? My folks told me we were going too fast. Even you tried to tell me.”
Sue worked with the college girls at her church, and as she listened to Tracy’s story, her mind raced to recent conversations with a girl in her group. Brittany talked about her “Mr. Right” and nothing else.
“He is such a good Christian,” Brittany often said. “I just love to watch him play the guitar with the church worship team. I can SO see myself with this guy.”
At the next youth meeting, with Tracy’s story fresh in Sue’s mind, she decided to ask Brittany some basic questions. Their conversation went something like this.
“How long have you known Jeff?” Sue asked.
“Two wonderful months.”
“What makes him a good Christian?”
“He loves to worship the Lord and he likes going to church.”
“What is one fault that you’ve found?”
Brittany looked confused, “Oh, I can’t think of anything. He is everything I prayed for in a guy.”
Sue paused, “What about his family, how do you get along with them?”
“Oh, we hardly see them. We just love being together. Why so many questions, Sue?”
Sue gathered her thoughts before she spoke.“Brittany, it’s great that you’ve found someone special, but now’s the time to really get to know Jeff and his family. If you did get married, it would be a package deal. You would not only get Jeff, but also a mother and father-in-law. Not to mention his siblings and other family members.”
“I never thought about it like that,” Brittany said.
Sue asked, “What will you do when the first real test comes?"
“What kind of test?”
“Brittany, you both will let the other down at some point. Every one of Jesus’ disciples who loved him betrayed Him after his crucifixion.”
Brittany stared at Sue with a puzzled expression. Then she said, “I haven’t really given this relationship enough thought. It’s all been about my feelings and dreams. Thanks for being real. I’m going to have to open my eyes and ask some hard questions.”
Sue decided to see how the other girls felt about finding their future husbands. How many other young women, like Brittany, approached dating with only idealistic notions about marriage? Their search for “Mr. Right” had turned into a search for “Mr. Feel Right.” These dreamy ideas come from movies, romance novels, even fairy-tales — all based in fantasy! Christian women often add the ideal of Jesus on top of these romantic notions, forgetting He was the only perfect Man. And He won’t be found at the altar in a rented tux.
Many young women also envision their future husband, their prince, as a new and improved version of their dad — assuming they had a healthy relationship. If the relationship was poor or damaged, then they choose a “prince” that they think is a polar opposite of Dad.
With these common approaches to finding “Mr. Right” in mind, Sue broached another important subject with the group. She decided to start with a question. “How did you choose where to go to college?”
Emily, one of the quietest girls, spoke first. “My parents have been saving for me to go to college since I was born. It was never ‘if’ I would go, only ‘when.’ I researched different colleges for months with good nursing programs. Then my folks and I visited a couple of my top choices to get a feel for the campus.”
The rest of the girls spelled out similar plans. They all seemed to have taken the time to research colleges and majors carefully. Most of the girls even visited more than one college. They didn’t want to make a mistake. This conversation stood in stark contrast to the ideas expressed about how to find “Mr. Right.”
Sue decided to put together some topics to discuss with the girls over the next few weeks. After researching some of the issues godly men struggle with, she had clear direction for their discussions. The statistics on young men who view pornography were off the charts. It is clear that drug use and oral sex among teens have skyrocketed. Alcoholism, gambling ... the list of potential traps is a lengthy one. She wondered if young women knew how to set boundaries, appreciate their worth, watch for red flags, and ask difficult questions before they walk down the aisle wearing white.
Sue sought to raise her group’s awareness without creating fear. She reminded them to let God direct every aspect of their life’s journey, keeping in mind, “There’s not one totally good person on earth, not one who is truly pure and sinless” (Ecclesiastes 7:20). Allowing Christ to be their Matchmaker makes the most sense. He will choose the best. Even seemingly strong marriages face trials because we are broken people living in a broken world — a world full of betrayers.
So the question is not, “How can I avoid marrying a Judas?” The question is, “How can one broken person marry another broken person and stay together in spite of their sinfulness?”
The goal is to be transformed from being like a Judas to a Peter — restored by the hand of Christ. Peter betrayed Jesus just as Judas did, but his repentant heart sought change. He never forgot where he came from. Only when both husband and wife are honest with themselves and with each other can they grow stronger. Their life long goal should be to reflect Christ more each day. Only when God is central can a marriage survive the bumps in the road. “A three-stranded rope isn't easily snapped” (Ecclesiastes 4:12d).
Later, Sue called her friend, Tracy, to see how she was doing. Tracy’s voice sounded stronger as she spoke. “I am happy to report that my husband and I are in counseling. He seems genuinely sorry and willing to work on his issues. I’m not kidding myself, though, about our future. I have decided to take each day as it unfolds trusting the Lord to guide me.”
“You can’t go wrong waiting for God’s voice.” Sue added.
Tracy responded, “I had to be willing to do my part to heal. Christ has been showing me the ways I’ve enabled my husband to be unhealthy by not recognizing the red flags and setting boundaries. My counselor helped me to see that I wanted the dream so much that I ignored the truth in front of me -- it’s humbling. I’m not as quick to throw stones at my husband.”
As she hung up, Sue thought she heard a new confidence in Tracy’s voice. She was amazed again at how the Lord works. Next week's conversation with the girls was going to be, “the dream vs. reality.”
Tools You Can Use:
Once in a serious relationship that feels like “the one,” then:
1. Take the time for a serious second look.
2. Seek Godly counsel and listen to those who are trustworthy.
3. Ask some difficult questions (see below).
Asking Unromantic Questions
Ask one or two questions over several weeks so it doesn’t feel like the third degree. Pray and let God guide the conversation. I guarantee you will know more about each other when you are through. Be willing to be vulnerable as you share your side of the same question. This list isn’t complete, but it’s a good place to start.
When dating:
What’s most important to you in a relationship?
What quality found in your mom and or dad do you want to emulate?
What is the one thing in your past you most regret?
Describe your idea of the perfect spouse.
What does romance mean to you? Do you consider yourself romantic?
What are your physical boundaries before marriage?
When engaged:
What one thing do you want to be different in your marriage than in your parents?
If there were a conflict in our marriage we couldn’t work out, would you be willing to seek godly counseling?
What do you think about a man hitting a woman? Is it ever okay?
Do you want kids? If so, describe your idea of a good parent.
How do you handle your money? Are you a spender or saver?
How do you feel about lottery tickets, social drinking, smoking pot, etc?
What are your views on sex before to marriage?
Have you ever looked at pornography of any kind?
Do you think it’s okay to have a stripper at a bachelor party?
What, if any, are your past sexual experiences?
When were you the angriest? What did you do or how did you respond?
If you haven’t talked about these issues — do. Please don’t assume you already know the answer. The reality is there will be at least one answer you don’t like. This is a sign there is work to do -- not necessarily that you should call things off. The best situation is a couple living firmly in reality, willing to work on their issues.
*All names (other than the author’s) have been changed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Crosswalk.com welcome's Meg Wilson as the newest contributor to our Marriage channel.
Meg is a regular speaker to women’s groups, Bible studies, and conferences. Five years ago she founded the Healing Hearts Ministry to offer help and hope to women whose husbands are caught in the web of sexual addiction. Her book Hope After Betrayel: Healing When Sexual Addiction Invades Your Marriage (Kregel Publishers) was released last year. You can visit her website at www.hopeafterbetrayal.com.
Seven Myths Single Women Believe
Seven Myths Single Women Believe
By Suzanne Hadley
Sarah wrestled with God. For five years she had served as a resident director at a small Bible college. Each day, young women would knock on the door of Sarah's small dorm apartment. The petite, soft-spoken brunette would fix them tea and listen as they poured out their hearts.
"If I could just get my life on track," a 19-year-old would moan. "Then God would bring a godly man into my life."
Sarah spoke encouraging words, but inside she felt annoyed. I'm in my late 20s and unmarried. What issue do you think I need to work on?
As Sarah wrestled with this contradiction, she discovered something: She and the women around her were succumbing to lies about their singleness. Some of these myths had been instilled in them as little girls growing up in Christian homes (e.g., if you follow God and keep yourself pure, someday He will bring you "the one"). Others seemed founded in a simplistic rewards system (e.g., when you've learned to fully trust in the Lord, then He will bless you with a spouse). Still others seemed to grow out of unrealistic expectations (e.g., when you are married, you will no longer be lonely).
Sarah noticed the enemy was using these myths to discourage women and leave them feeling spiritually defeated. The lies reinforced ungodly perspectives of their relationship with Christ ("I'm not deserving of a husband" or "God views me as a useful tool") and taught them to believe things about marriage that simply were not true ("Marriage equals spiritual maturity").
Here are seven of the most deadly myths:
God will give me a husband when I'm ready. I recently spoke with a friend in her 30s who casually said the reason she was not yet married was because evidently the Lord had decided she was not "ready." Whether they say it or not, many single women believe that procuring a spouse is somehow performance based. If I were just godly enough, the Lord would give me a husband.
Not true! There is a danger in equating marriage with spiritual maturity. God teaches us to depend on Him as singles, but these lessons are not reserved for the mate-less. All of us are sinners, which means we are all constantly striving to crucify the flesh and be more like Christ.
Being in a single state may or may not have anything to do with your readiness. It likely has more to do with God's timing. If you are daily allowing the Lord to mold you into His image, you are probably ready to be in a Christ-centered relationship. Realizing this may allow you to be more alert to the godly men around you.
God views me more as a useful tool than a beloved child. As a gifted resident assistant, Sarah sometimes felt like Psalm 37:4 didn't apply to her: "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." Instead of believing that God cared about her dreams, Sarah suspected He was withholding these things because she was more useful to Him in a single state.
People have often told me, "God has allowed you to be single so you might do these things for Him!" While I know these people are seeking to encourage me, my gut reaction is, Why me? It's true that God may set us apart for a season of singleness, but that doesn't mean He is indifferent to our dreams.
Matthew 7:11 says, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" God views you a cherished child — never a utilitarian object. A loving Father will give you good gifts at just the right time.
When it's the right guy, I'll just know. When I was in eighth grade I drew "the one" on a sheet of notebook paper. He had the post-mullet Steven Curtis Chapman haircut, wore hiking books and sported several oddly-placed muscles. Among his more critical characteristics were intelligence, godliness and good hygiene. I had specific ideas about who my husband would be, even what he would look like. (If I met the guy in my picture today, I'd run the other way.)
Christian culture (and eHarmony) has created a romanticized picture of what meeting your spouse will be like. In the classic I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Joshua Harris writes: "Too many couples overspiritualize the decision of whom they marry. Instead of realizing that God leads us by providing wisdom and allowing us to make our own choices, those couples wait for a 'mystical experience' that will tell them what to do."
Just as my junior high mind projected who I would recognize as "the one," my grown-up self entertains expectations of how I'll feel when my "soul mate" arrives on the scene. The truth is, God knows best the kind of man who will inspire me to greater devotion to Him. As I seek the Lord, I can trust Him to reveal that person to me in whatever way He sees fit.
When I get married, then my life will begin. This myth is particularly insidious. It has the potential to cause great frustration and hopelessness. A desire to be a wife and mother is good, but it does not let us off the hook from living fully right now.
Of the more than 500 references to life in the Bible, none puts marriage as a prerequisite. Jesus said: "I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life" (John 5:24). My life started when I believed on Jesus, and it does not hinge on my marital status.
Think about the acclaimed Proverbs 31 woman. She must have developed many of her skills long before she was married. In the quiet moments of her life as a young woman, she was learning how to be productive and godly. In today's culture, marriage is often delayed longer than we had hoped. But the distinctive opportunities we have as singles are worth embracing.
Marriage will/will not meet my deepest needs. There seem to be two prevalent and opposing views on the relationship between marriage and needs. The first sees marriage as the ultimate wish-fulfillment experience. The other says every need can and should be directly met through Christ, a type of "super-husband."
Each view contains some truth. God created woman for man as a remedy for loneliness (Genesis 2:18). And God's grace is sufficient for every circumstance (2 Corinthians 12:9). But marriage alone cannot satisfy a woman's deepest needs. Sarah says: "A very wise lady once told me that she has had her loneliest times since she has been married." Neither can our relationship with Jesus meet the needs that He intended other humans to satisfy.
Reliance on Christ does not nullify the advantage of a human marriage relationship. And yet, He is the One who satisfies our deepest longings. As women, we must embrace a balanced understanding of the distinctive roles that Christ and a godly husband should play in our lives.
There must be something wrong with me. If I could just figure out what it is, I could fix it and guys would start showing interest. For a long time I believed that if I were thinner, I would attract a husband. Magazines with images of women with flawless skin and model-thin bodies fuel that inner voice that says, You're not thin enough. You're not pretty enough. Or worse, I wonder if it's my personality. I talk too much. Or I laugh at the wrong times. Or I'm too assertive. It's easy to look at married women and wonder: Why them and not me?
The truth is, most of the things I suspect are lacking in me, fall under the category of charm and beauty. Scripture says, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised" (Proverbs 31:30). The things I should be concerned about improving are spiritual in nature. Am I submitting to Christ? Am I manifesting the fruit of the Spirit? Do I have a gentle and quiet spirit? The right kind of man will be attracted to these qualities.
The older I get, the less likely it is that I will find someone. "God is not bound by odds!" Sarah says. While Sarah was still working at the college, she attracted the attention of a godly man. He sought her out, even learning of her character by questioning her friends. Mark and Sarah married when she was 29. Today the couple serves together in Lithuania.
As you pass the average marrying age, it can be tempting to panic. It's helpful to remember Paul's words in Romans 11:36: "For from him and through him and to him are all things." All things. As you cultivate godly attitudes and avoid damaging lies, you allow the Lord to pour out the things He has for you. That way, when the right guy comes along, you'll be ready.
By Suzanne Hadley
Sarah wrestled with God. For five years she had served as a resident director at a small Bible college. Each day, young women would knock on the door of Sarah's small dorm apartment. The petite, soft-spoken brunette would fix them tea and listen as they poured out their hearts.
"If I could just get my life on track," a 19-year-old would moan. "Then God would bring a godly man into my life."
Sarah spoke encouraging words, but inside she felt annoyed. I'm in my late 20s and unmarried. What issue do you think I need to work on?
As Sarah wrestled with this contradiction, she discovered something: She and the women around her were succumbing to lies about their singleness. Some of these myths had been instilled in them as little girls growing up in Christian homes (e.g., if you follow God and keep yourself pure, someday He will bring you "the one"). Others seemed founded in a simplistic rewards system (e.g., when you've learned to fully trust in the Lord, then He will bless you with a spouse). Still others seemed to grow out of unrealistic expectations (e.g., when you are married, you will no longer be lonely).
Sarah noticed the enemy was using these myths to discourage women and leave them feeling spiritually defeated. The lies reinforced ungodly perspectives of their relationship with Christ ("I'm not deserving of a husband" or "God views me as a useful tool") and taught them to believe things about marriage that simply were not true ("Marriage equals spiritual maturity").
Here are seven of the most deadly myths:
God will give me a husband when I'm ready. I recently spoke with a friend in her 30s who casually said the reason she was not yet married was because evidently the Lord had decided she was not "ready." Whether they say it or not, many single women believe that procuring a spouse is somehow performance based. If I were just godly enough, the Lord would give me a husband.
Not true! There is a danger in equating marriage with spiritual maturity. God teaches us to depend on Him as singles, but these lessons are not reserved for the mate-less. All of us are sinners, which means we are all constantly striving to crucify the flesh and be more like Christ.
Being in a single state may or may not have anything to do with your readiness. It likely has more to do with God's timing. If you are daily allowing the Lord to mold you into His image, you are probably ready to be in a Christ-centered relationship. Realizing this may allow you to be more alert to the godly men around you.
God views me more as a useful tool than a beloved child. As a gifted resident assistant, Sarah sometimes felt like Psalm 37:4 didn't apply to her: "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." Instead of believing that God cared about her dreams, Sarah suspected He was withholding these things because she was more useful to Him in a single state.
People have often told me, "God has allowed you to be single so you might do these things for Him!" While I know these people are seeking to encourage me, my gut reaction is, Why me? It's true that God may set us apart for a season of singleness, but that doesn't mean He is indifferent to our dreams.
Matthew 7:11 says, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" God views you a cherished child — never a utilitarian object. A loving Father will give you good gifts at just the right time.
When it's the right guy, I'll just know. When I was in eighth grade I drew "the one" on a sheet of notebook paper. He had the post-mullet Steven Curtis Chapman haircut, wore hiking books and sported several oddly-placed muscles. Among his more critical characteristics were intelligence, godliness and good hygiene. I had specific ideas about who my husband would be, even what he would look like. (If I met the guy in my picture today, I'd run the other way.)
Christian culture (and eHarmony) has created a romanticized picture of what meeting your spouse will be like. In the classic I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Joshua Harris writes: "Too many couples overspiritualize the decision of whom they marry. Instead of realizing that God leads us by providing wisdom and allowing us to make our own choices, those couples wait for a 'mystical experience' that will tell them what to do."
Just as my junior high mind projected who I would recognize as "the one," my grown-up self entertains expectations of how I'll feel when my "soul mate" arrives on the scene. The truth is, God knows best the kind of man who will inspire me to greater devotion to Him. As I seek the Lord, I can trust Him to reveal that person to me in whatever way He sees fit.
When I get married, then my life will begin. This myth is particularly insidious. It has the potential to cause great frustration and hopelessness. A desire to be a wife and mother is good, but it does not let us off the hook from living fully right now.
Of the more than 500 references to life in the Bible, none puts marriage as a prerequisite. Jesus said: "I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life" (John 5:24). My life started when I believed on Jesus, and it does not hinge on my marital status.
Think about the acclaimed Proverbs 31 woman. She must have developed many of her skills long before she was married. In the quiet moments of her life as a young woman, she was learning how to be productive and godly. In today's culture, marriage is often delayed longer than we had hoped. But the distinctive opportunities we have as singles are worth embracing.
Marriage will/will not meet my deepest needs. There seem to be two prevalent and opposing views on the relationship between marriage and needs. The first sees marriage as the ultimate wish-fulfillment experience. The other says every need can and should be directly met through Christ, a type of "super-husband."
Each view contains some truth. God created woman for man as a remedy for loneliness (Genesis 2:18). And God's grace is sufficient for every circumstance (2 Corinthians 12:9). But marriage alone cannot satisfy a woman's deepest needs. Sarah says: "A very wise lady once told me that she has had her loneliest times since she has been married." Neither can our relationship with Jesus meet the needs that He intended other humans to satisfy.
Reliance on Christ does not nullify the advantage of a human marriage relationship. And yet, He is the One who satisfies our deepest longings. As women, we must embrace a balanced understanding of the distinctive roles that Christ and a godly husband should play in our lives.
There must be something wrong with me. If I could just figure out what it is, I could fix it and guys would start showing interest. For a long time I believed that if I were thinner, I would attract a husband. Magazines with images of women with flawless skin and model-thin bodies fuel that inner voice that says, You're not thin enough. You're not pretty enough. Or worse, I wonder if it's my personality. I talk too much. Or I laugh at the wrong times. Or I'm too assertive. It's easy to look at married women and wonder: Why them and not me?
The truth is, most of the things I suspect are lacking in me, fall under the category of charm and beauty. Scripture says, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised" (Proverbs 31:30). The things I should be concerned about improving are spiritual in nature. Am I submitting to Christ? Am I manifesting the fruit of the Spirit? Do I have a gentle and quiet spirit? The right kind of man will be attracted to these qualities.
The older I get, the less likely it is that I will find someone. "God is not bound by odds!" Sarah says. While Sarah was still working at the college, she attracted the attention of a godly man. He sought her out, even learning of her character by questioning her friends. Mark and Sarah married when she was 29. Today the couple serves together in Lithuania.
As you pass the average marrying age, it can be tempting to panic. It's helpful to remember Paul's words in Romans 11:36: "For from him and through him and to him are all things." All things. As you cultivate godly attitudes and avoid damaging lies, you allow the Lord to pour out the things He has for you. That way, when the right guy comes along, you'll be ready.
Obedience Brings Understanding
Obedience Brings Understanding
A right attitude leads to a proper obedience of God's laws, which form much of the foundation of the Bible.
James explains that you must be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does" (James 1:22-25).
We see, then, that applying what we learn from God's Word is necessary, along with a humble approach. We must begin to live what we learn for God to grant us continued understanding.
If we refuse to accept the understanding God reveals to us, He ceases to give us more of it. God explains this principle: "My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. Because you have rejected knowledge, I also will reject you . . ." (Hosea 4:6).
For us to understand the Bible, we must first learn about and respect God's law. We read a summary of this principle in Psalm 111:10, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; a good understanding have all those who do His commandments . . ."
Paul emphasizes this point in Romans 2:13, "For not the hearers of the law are just in the sight of God, but the doers of the law will be justified." If a person studies the Bible just to hear what it says, but not to do what it commands, he is not pleasing God and cannot expect His help.
Sadly, many think Jesus Christ came to do away with the law, but He denied this in the strongest terms. "Do not think that I came to destroy the Law or the Prophets," He warned. "I did not come to destroy but to fulfill. For assuredly, I say to you, till heaven and earth pass away, one jot or one tittle will by no means pass from the law till all is fulfilled" (Matthew 5:17-18).
Jesus was explaining that all of God's commandments should be "fulfilled" in a more-complete way than that taught by the Pharisees. He stressed that we should take into account the spiritual intent of the law and not just the letter. He showed that both aspects of law-keeping are necessary to truly obey God.
To those who followed Him, but did not obey God's laws, He said, "Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of my Father in heaven" (Matthew 7:21). Christ expected His followers to deeply respect God's commandments, as He always respected and obeyed them. His view was clear: "If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father's commandments and abide in His love" (John 15:10). Christ's teachings uphold God's commandments. They do not do away with them.
The apostle Peter wrote of people who desire to receive the Holy Spirit, a requirement for understanding the Scriptures. "And we are His witnesses to these things, and so also is the Holy Spirit (which) God has given to those who obey Him" (Acts 5:32).
Therefore, to understand revealed spiritual truths requires the second key, which is faithful obedience to God's perfect laws and instruction as shown in Scripture.
Though obedience is necessary for continued spiritual understanding, this does not mean that obedience entitles us to salvation. God alone, through his grace and mercy, forgives sin, grants us help to overcome and offers salvation as a gift. However, God does expect us to do our part while He fulfills the rest. James emphasized this principle: "Was not Abraham our father justified by works when he (in order to obey) offered Isaac his son on the altar? Do you see that faith was working together with his works, and by works faith was made perfect? (James 2:21-22).
The many benefits of obedience will quickly manifest themselves to the doer. "Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good," wrote King David (Psalm 34:8). Jesus Christ said: "Whoever chooses to do the will of God will know whether my teaching comes from him or is merely my own" (John 7:17, Revised English Bible). An attitude of humble, willing obedience is the litmus test!
A right attitude leads to a proper obedience of God's laws, which form much of the foundation of the Bible.
James explains that you must be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does" (James 1:22-25).
We see, then, that applying what we learn from God's Word is necessary, along with a humble approach. We must begin to live what we learn for God to grant us continued understanding.
If we refuse to accept the understanding God reveals to us, He ceases to give us more of it. God explains this principle: "My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. Because you have rejected knowledge, I also will reject you . . ." (Hosea 4:6).
For us to understand the Bible, we must first learn about and respect God's law. We read a summary of this principle in Psalm 111:10, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; a good understanding have all those who do His commandments . . ."
Paul emphasizes this point in Romans 2:13, "For not the hearers of the law are just in the sight of God, but the doers of the law will be justified." If a person studies the Bible just to hear what it says, but not to do what it commands, he is not pleasing God and cannot expect His help.
Sadly, many think Jesus Christ came to do away with the law, but He denied this in the strongest terms. "Do not think that I came to destroy the Law or the Prophets," He warned. "I did not come to destroy but to fulfill. For assuredly, I say to you, till heaven and earth pass away, one jot or one tittle will by no means pass from the law till all is fulfilled" (Matthew 5:17-18).
Jesus was explaining that all of God's commandments should be "fulfilled" in a more-complete way than that taught by the Pharisees. He stressed that we should take into account the spiritual intent of the law and not just the letter. He showed that both aspects of law-keeping are necessary to truly obey God.
To those who followed Him, but did not obey God's laws, He said, "Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of my Father in heaven" (Matthew 7:21). Christ expected His followers to deeply respect God's commandments, as He always respected and obeyed them. His view was clear: "If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father's commandments and abide in His love" (John 15:10). Christ's teachings uphold God's commandments. They do not do away with them.
The apostle Peter wrote of people who desire to receive the Holy Spirit, a requirement for understanding the Scriptures. "And we are His witnesses to these things, and so also is the Holy Spirit (which) God has given to those who obey Him" (Acts 5:32).
Therefore, to understand revealed spiritual truths requires the second key, which is faithful obedience to God's perfect laws and instruction as shown in Scripture.
Though obedience is necessary for continued spiritual understanding, this does not mean that obedience entitles us to salvation. God alone, through his grace and mercy, forgives sin, grants us help to overcome and offers salvation as a gift. However, God does expect us to do our part while He fulfills the rest. James emphasized this principle: "Was not Abraham our father justified by works when he (in order to obey) offered Isaac his son on the altar? Do you see that faith was working together with his works, and by works faith was made perfect? (James 2:21-22).
The many benefits of obedience will quickly manifest themselves to the doer. "Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good," wrote King David (Psalm 34:8). Jesus Christ said: "Whoever chooses to do the will of God will know whether my teaching comes from him or is merely my own" (John 7:17, Revised English Bible). An attitude of humble, willing obedience is the litmus test!
NFL Week 12 Power Rankings
NFL Week 12 Power Rankings
M.D. Wright
11.18.08
1. New York Football Giants. The Giants are the best team in the league. Quit feeding me the 10-0 bull.
2. Tennessee Titans. They're going to have to prove that they can win with Kerry Collins at QB vs. a great defense. They haven't done it yet. They will have chances vs. Indianapolis, Pittsburgh and eventually the Jints should both reach the Super Bowl.
3. Arizona Cardinals. I put them this high because they could potentially wrap up their division in the next two weeks. A win vs. the Giants would ratify this ranking.
4. Carolina Panthers. Jake Delhomme looks shaky right now, but the Panthers' running game is among the best in the league.
5. New York Football Jets. The Jets are streaking right now. Thomas Jones is the best rusher in the AFC. The defense, while not great, is making timely plays.
6. Pittsburgh Steelers. I'm not sold on the Steelers. Their offensive line is like the Hoover Dam. Their bookend LBs are getting it done for them.
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ but they win.
8. Indianapolis Colts. The Colts are ready to make a run. They still need to tie 2-3 more wins onto their streak to solidify a wild card berth.
9. Washington Redskins. The 'skins need to get back on track. Two tough losses in a row, and remaining games vs. Philadelphia and New York don't make things easier for them. They do have the tiebreaker vs. Dallas.
10. Miami Dolphins. The Fins are clawing their win to victories with their Wildcat Offense.
11. Baltimore Ravens. The Ravens lost to the best team in the NFL. No shame there. They're still better than the Patriots and Cowboys.
12. Atlanta Falcons. Yes, I said it. They are better than Dallas. The loss Sunday was an aberration. Matty Ice finally had an off day. Big deal.
13. New England Patriots. They are not impressing me.
14. Denver Broncos. Their defense did JUST ENOUGH on Sunday. Cutler's Arm > Elway's Arm.
JK
15. Dallas Cowboys. They still have a ways to go to secure a playoff berth. They are a middle of the pack team with top tier talent. Something is amiss.
16. Green Bay Packers. Tough to figure them out. Sunday they appeared to be an 11-5 team. The week before, they looked like a 5-11 team.
17. Chicago Bears. They stunk up the joint Sunday, but they are better than this.
18. Minnesota Vikings. They are going to have to prove their worth the rest of this season. Week 17 will probably decide whether or not they win the NFC North or not. Their opponent: GIANTS.
19. Philadelphia Eagles. The Iggles are fading fast, and their QB doesn't even know the rules of the game. So sad.
20. Buffalo Bills. Fading equally as fast, but Marshawn Lynch was running like a madman last night. Encouraging. Too bad Dick Jauron won't continue feeding him the ball.
21. New Orleans Saints. It's Drew Brees and no one else. That won't get it done.
22. San Diego Chargers. Norv is a good guy, but he's a glorified Offensive Coordinator who should have remained one for life. He's not a motivating head coach. The Chargers are proving this.
23. Cleveland Browns. Can the Browns continue their solid play and not "quit"? Hmmm.
24. Jacksonville Jaguars. The Jags stink. THE END.
25. San Francisco 49ers. They play hard every week. They just have major retooling to do at every vital position in the offseason. Their WRs are old and are 4th/no-stringers and their offensive line is a sieve. Their defense has some players on it, but they don't play together.
26. Houston Texans. I GIVE UP.
27. Seattle Seahawks. They've given up on Mike.
28. St. Louis Rams. YIKES.
29. Cincinnati Bengals. They are wasting Chad Johnson and TJ Houshmandzadeh's prime years...
30. Kansas City Chiefs. You'd like to think they'd be better than this with some of the talent they have. MAJOR overhaul coming this offseason. Herm just got a reprieve. If they do not win at least 8 next year, he AND Carl Peterson are gone.
31. Oakland Raiders. Goodness Gracious Sakes Alive. JaMarcus Russell looked decent. FOR ONCE.
32. Detroit Lions. GOOD LORD.
M.D. Wright
11.18.08
1. New York Football Giants. The Giants are the best team in the league. Quit feeding me the 10-0 bull.
2. Tennessee Titans. They're going to have to prove that they can win with Kerry Collins at QB vs. a great defense. They haven't done it yet. They will have chances vs. Indianapolis, Pittsburgh and eventually the Jints should both reach the Super Bowl.
3. Arizona Cardinals. I put them this high because they could potentially wrap up their division in the next two weeks. A win vs. the Giants would ratify this ranking.
4. Carolina Panthers. Jake Delhomme looks shaky right now, but the Panthers' running game is among the best in the league.
5. New York Football Jets. The Jets are streaking right now. Thomas Jones is the best rusher in the AFC. The defense, while not great, is making timely plays.
6. Pittsburgh Steelers. I'm not sold on the Steelers. Their offensive line is like the Hoover Dam. Their bookend LBs are getting it done for them.
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ but they win.
8. Indianapolis Colts. The Colts are ready to make a run. They still need to tie 2-3 more wins onto their streak to solidify a wild card berth.
9. Washington Redskins. The 'skins need to get back on track. Two tough losses in a row, and remaining games vs. Philadelphia and New York don't make things easier for them. They do have the tiebreaker vs. Dallas.
10. Miami Dolphins. The Fins are clawing their win to victories with their Wildcat Offense.
11. Baltimore Ravens. The Ravens lost to the best team in the NFL. No shame there. They're still better than the Patriots and Cowboys.
12. Atlanta Falcons. Yes, I said it. They are better than Dallas. The loss Sunday was an aberration. Matty Ice finally had an off day. Big deal.
13. New England Patriots. They are not impressing me.
14. Denver Broncos. Their defense did JUST ENOUGH on Sunday. Cutler's Arm > Elway's Arm.
JK
15. Dallas Cowboys. They still have a ways to go to secure a playoff berth. They are a middle of the pack team with top tier talent. Something is amiss.
16. Green Bay Packers. Tough to figure them out. Sunday they appeared to be an 11-5 team. The week before, they looked like a 5-11 team.
17. Chicago Bears. They stunk up the joint Sunday, but they are better than this.
18. Minnesota Vikings. They are going to have to prove their worth the rest of this season. Week 17 will probably decide whether or not they win the NFC North or not. Their opponent: GIANTS.
19. Philadelphia Eagles. The Iggles are fading fast, and their QB doesn't even know the rules of the game. So sad.
20. Buffalo Bills. Fading equally as fast, but Marshawn Lynch was running like a madman last night. Encouraging. Too bad Dick Jauron won't continue feeding him the ball.
21. New Orleans Saints. It's Drew Brees and no one else. That won't get it done.
22. San Diego Chargers. Norv is a good guy, but he's a glorified Offensive Coordinator who should have remained one for life. He's not a motivating head coach. The Chargers are proving this.
23. Cleveland Browns. Can the Browns continue their solid play and not "quit"? Hmmm.
24. Jacksonville Jaguars. The Jags stink. THE END.
25. San Francisco 49ers. They play hard every week. They just have major retooling to do at every vital position in the offseason. Their WRs are old and are 4th/no-stringers and their offensive line is a sieve. Their defense has some players on it, but they don't play together.
26. Houston Texans. I GIVE UP.
27. Seattle Seahawks. They've given up on Mike.
28. St. Louis Rams. YIKES.
29. Cincinnati Bengals. They are wasting Chad Johnson and TJ Houshmandzadeh's prime years...
30. Kansas City Chiefs. You'd like to think they'd be better than this with some of the talent they have. MAJOR overhaul coming this offseason. Herm just got a reprieve. If they do not win at least 8 next year, he AND Carl Peterson are gone.
31. Oakland Raiders. Goodness Gracious Sakes Alive. JaMarcus Russell looked decent. FOR ONCE.
32. Detroit Lions. GOOD LORD.
ESPN's Week 12 Power Rankings
ESPN's Week 12 Power Rankings
1 (1) Titans 10-0-0 They welcome the extra attention that the Jets will bring to Nashville. (PK)
2 (2) Giants 9-1-0 Dominating win over the Ravens. Now they have to travel cross-country to face the Cardinals. (MM)
3 (3) Panthers 8-2-0 Survived what should have been easy games against Detroit and Oakland, but made winning look difficult. Against Falcons, QB Jake Delhomme has to bounce back. (PY)
4 (4) Steelers 7-3-0 "Big Ben" doesn't turn over the football and the Steelers win. We're sure that's not a coincidence. (JW)
5 (6) Buccaneers 7-3-0 Jeff Garcia's mobility has returned and Antonio Bryant has emerged as true No. 1 WR. RB situation remains a little shaky. (PY)
6 (9) Jets 7-3-0 They needed to win more emphatically to signal a true changing of the guard in the AFC East, but they are in control of their destiny with six games to play. (TG)
7 (11) Cardinals 7-3-0 An upset victory over Giants could deliver NFC West title to Arizona. (MS)
8 (10) Colts 6-4-0 They don't necessarily want people saying so, but it sure seems like they are back. (PK)
9 (5) Redskins 6-4-0 Losing two straight home games hurts. Jason Campbell needs to right the ship quickly. (MM)
10 (7) Patriots 6-4-0 Like the black knight in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail," the Patriots keep losing appendages but they fight onward. "It's just a flesh wound!" (TG)
11 (16) Cowboys 6-4-0 Win over Redskins kept their playoff hopes alive. They have great shot at getting to 8-4. (MM)
12 (15) Dolphins 6-4-0 They're barely winning, but they're winning. The Dolphins have won four in a row. Only the Titans and Giants have longer streaks. (TG)
13 (12) Ravens 6-4-0 The Giants brought the Ravens back down to earth. (JW)
14 (8) Falcons 6-4-0 A tough loss to Denver at home is followed by Carolina coming to town. Falcons have a chance to put themselves back in good position. (PY)
15 (19) Broncos 6-4-0 The Broncos have taken control of a weak division. Denver will have to collapse to not win the AFC West. (BW)
16 (21) Packers 5-5-0 The Packers might be getting hot at the right time. (KS)
17 (13) Eagles 5-4-1 This team was fading even before an embarrassing tie. But as Donovan McNabb says, there's always the second OT. (MM)
18 (17) Bills 5-5-0 Tom Petty wrote a song about the Bills. No, not "Running Down a Dream." That was five weeks ago. This one's called "Free Fallin'." (TG)
19 (14) Bears 5-5-0 Are the Bears really 34 points worse than the Packers? Nope. But Sunday's loss could have reverberating effects. (KS)
20 (23) Saints 5-5-0 They return to the Superdome for the first time in 42 days. At .500, they have to almost run the table to have a playoff shot. (PY)
21 (18) Vikings 5-5-0 The Vikings have the toughest road to the NFC North title. (KS)
22 (20) Chargers 4-6-0 Let the Norv Turner watch begin. The inconsistent Chargers are one of the great disappointments of the 2008 season. (BW)
23 (22) Jaguars 4-6-0 The Jags are not going to come close to meeting preseason expectations. Can Jack Del Rio hold their attention? (PK)
24 (24) Browns 4-6-0 Brady Quinn gets the first of what the Browns hope are many victories as their starter. (JW)
25 (25) Texans 3-7-0 Measured against the Colts, they've not made sufficient progress. (PK)
26 (26) 49ers 3-7-0 A tough schedule might feature only one or two more victories for the 49ers. (MS)
27 (27) Seahawks 2-8-0 Depth on offensive line severely low if Mike Wahle's shoulder injury sidelines him. (MS)
28 (28) Rams 2-8-0 Another wave of injuries threatens to take Rams from bad to worse. (MS)
29 (30) Bengals 1-8-1 Look at the bright side: Cincinnati hasn't lost in the month of November. (JW)
30 (29) Chiefs 1-9-0 The good news: The Chiefs didn't blow a late lead for the for first time in nearly a month. The bad news: The Chiefs lost again anyway. (BW)
31 (31) Raiders 2-8-0 Memo to the Raiders' offense: The end zones are those two patches of grass just below the goalposts. (BW)
32 (32) Lions 0-10-0 Rod Marinelli says he is committed to doing things his way. Not sure if anything else needs to be added. (KS)
1 (1) Titans 10-0-0 They welcome the extra attention that the Jets will bring to Nashville. (PK)
2 (2) Giants 9-1-0 Dominating win over the Ravens. Now they have to travel cross-country to face the Cardinals. (MM)
3 (3) Panthers 8-2-0 Survived what should have been easy games against Detroit and Oakland, but made winning look difficult. Against Falcons, QB Jake Delhomme has to bounce back. (PY)
4 (4) Steelers 7-3-0 "Big Ben" doesn't turn over the football and the Steelers win. We're sure that's not a coincidence. (JW)
5 (6) Buccaneers 7-3-0 Jeff Garcia's mobility has returned and Antonio Bryant has emerged as true No. 1 WR. RB situation remains a little shaky. (PY)
6 (9) Jets 7-3-0 They needed to win more emphatically to signal a true changing of the guard in the AFC East, but they are in control of their destiny with six games to play. (TG)
7 (11) Cardinals 7-3-0 An upset victory over Giants could deliver NFC West title to Arizona. (MS)
8 (10) Colts 6-4-0 They don't necessarily want people saying so, but it sure seems like they are back. (PK)
9 (5) Redskins 6-4-0 Losing two straight home games hurts. Jason Campbell needs to right the ship quickly. (MM)
10 (7) Patriots 6-4-0 Like the black knight in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail," the Patriots keep losing appendages but they fight onward. "It's just a flesh wound!" (TG)
11 (16) Cowboys 6-4-0 Win over Redskins kept their playoff hopes alive. They have great shot at getting to 8-4. (MM)
12 (15) Dolphins 6-4-0 They're barely winning, but they're winning. The Dolphins have won four in a row. Only the Titans and Giants have longer streaks. (TG)
13 (12) Ravens 6-4-0 The Giants brought the Ravens back down to earth. (JW)
14 (8) Falcons 6-4-0 A tough loss to Denver at home is followed by Carolina coming to town. Falcons have a chance to put themselves back in good position. (PY)
15 (19) Broncos 6-4-0 The Broncos have taken control of a weak division. Denver will have to collapse to not win the AFC West. (BW)
16 (21) Packers 5-5-0 The Packers might be getting hot at the right time. (KS)
17 (13) Eagles 5-4-1 This team was fading even before an embarrassing tie. But as Donovan McNabb says, there's always the second OT. (MM)
18 (17) Bills 5-5-0 Tom Petty wrote a song about the Bills. No, not "Running Down a Dream." That was five weeks ago. This one's called "Free Fallin'." (TG)
19 (14) Bears 5-5-0 Are the Bears really 34 points worse than the Packers? Nope. But Sunday's loss could have reverberating effects. (KS)
20 (23) Saints 5-5-0 They return to the Superdome for the first time in 42 days. At .500, they have to almost run the table to have a playoff shot. (PY)
21 (18) Vikings 5-5-0 The Vikings have the toughest road to the NFC North title. (KS)
22 (20) Chargers 4-6-0 Let the Norv Turner watch begin. The inconsistent Chargers are one of the great disappointments of the 2008 season. (BW)
23 (22) Jaguars 4-6-0 The Jags are not going to come close to meeting preseason expectations. Can Jack Del Rio hold their attention? (PK)
24 (24) Browns 4-6-0 Brady Quinn gets the first of what the Browns hope are many victories as their starter. (JW)
25 (25) Texans 3-7-0 Measured against the Colts, they've not made sufficient progress. (PK)
26 (26) 49ers 3-7-0 A tough schedule might feature only one or two more victories for the 49ers. (MS)
27 (27) Seahawks 2-8-0 Depth on offensive line severely low if Mike Wahle's shoulder injury sidelines him. (MS)
28 (28) Rams 2-8-0 Another wave of injuries threatens to take Rams from bad to worse. (MS)
29 (30) Bengals 1-8-1 Look at the bright side: Cincinnati hasn't lost in the month of November. (JW)
30 (29) Chiefs 1-9-0 The good news: The Chiefs didn't blow a late lead for the for first time in nearly a month. The bad news: The Chiefs lost again anyway. (BW)
31 (31) Raiders 2-8-0 Memo to the Raiders' offense: The end zones are those two patches of grass just below the goalposts. (BW)
32 (32) Lions 0-10-0 Rod Marinelli says he is committed to doing things his way. Not sure if anything else needs to be added. (KS)
Parents: Let Go Of Your Adult Children
* I am posting these for a reason...
LETTING GO OF OUR ADULT CHILDREN
Chapter 9: Closure When Reconcilliation Is Not Possible
BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT
Chapter 9 of Letting Go of Our Adult Children, in which you can learn how to let go with love when true reconciliation is not possible.
The hardest worker may not get a promotion. The most dedicated runner may not win a race. The most ardent suitor may not win the object of his affection. Doing our best does not mean we will always get what we want.
Some disappointed parents have done all they can to mend their family rift. They stopped trying to change their son or daughter and have worked on those things that kept them overly concerned about their child's current problems. They have forgiven themselves and their child, have mourned the loss of the dreams they had for their family, and have sincerely tried to let go with love. Yet their child may still choose not to include them in his life.
Sometimes it is parents and siblings who decide to distance themselves from an adult child who is extremely disruptive to family harmony.
Laura Morgan's sister had a twenty-year history of schizophrenia, compounded by alcohol and drug abuse, a situation Laura described in a commentary she wrote for The Los Angeles Times. Despite years of therapy and the consistent emotional and financial support of her family, her sister became increasingly delusional and violent, striking their mother on several occasions and stealing from the family to finance her drug habit. Unable to take (or give) any more, their mother packed up and moved to the Midwest two years ago. At the same time, Laura moved and got an unlisted phone number. She and her brother told their sister not to contact them. It was time for the family to cut their losses, realizing, finally, that it was a question of survival Ñ hers or theirs. The last that Laura heard about her sister, she was living on Skid Row. That is clearly not the happy ending any family wants for one of its members.
There is a limit to what parents can handle. Just as children have rights, parents have a right to be protected from the verbal and physical abuse of their children. Yet the decision to cut off relations with our children is not done without a great deal of anguish. Even then, knowing we are doing the right thing in distancing ourselves from our child does not take away the pain.
In some families parents do not have a chance for reconciliation, even if they have moved through all the stages on their path of healing. Their child may have left home years ago and disappeared, offering them no opportunity to work things through. Or their child may have died from an accident, homicide, suicide, or sudden illness before they had time to heal a torn relationship.
Not all situations that appear non-reconcilable, of course, will remain that way. Ivy, a woman I interviewed, told me that she and her husband, George, had spent many sleepless nights worrying about their only child, Ben. They had once given up hope that he would turn his life around. Their son was a heavy drug abuser who had alienated himself from his parents until, in his mid-forties, he had a child of his own. Apparently at the prodding of his wife, he sent pictures of his baby, a grandchild Ivy and George hadn't seen. The letter accompanying the picture of smiling parents and offspring stated that he now realized what it meant to have a child, adding something about how much his parents had meant to him. The new relationship is still tenuous, although there is hope it can be further repaired. Nevertheless, while Ivy and George can now breathe a little easier, at one point they had to accept, for their own peace of mind, that their child was alienated from them and that, very possibly, they would never see him again.
Unless your child has died or is completely incapacitated, there is always the possibility of reconciliation. But counting on that possibility can prevent you from ever releasing your pain and really getting on with your life.
Closure means "closing or being closed; a finish; end; conclusion." In the case of broken relationships, it is, as a friend of mine said, suturing a wound so that it can heal. Closure does not mean you write off your child forever. Instead, it is the willingness to gently close a door to the past, allowing the possibility of opening new doors for reconciliation in the future.
Stumbling Blocks to Closure
Why do the doors that need to be closed to broken relationships remain open, the wounds unsutured? There are many reasons, of course, but two common ones are the context in which we hold our pain and the way in which we expect ourselves to be judged as parents.
Defining Ourselves by Our Pain
We all know people who describe problems in their life as though their problems, pains, and sorrows are the only things worth knowing about them. My friend, Wini Pyle, however, is very different. Happening to call while I was writing this chapter, she told me that "different parts of my life are functioning at different levels." Her body isn't doing as well as she would like, her love life and spiritual life are great, her job is still rewarding. And she also feels sad, sometimes, because her only daughter has not been in contact with her for two years and will not even give her a phone number where she can be reached.
Wini told me that every day she releases her child, opening the door to the possibility that her daughter may choose to write her or otherwise reopen the relationship. In the meantime, my friend provides a wonderful illustration of the way in which we can view alienation from a child in a healthy way.
Certainly it is healthy to acknowledge our loss and pain from time to time. Yet we must also remind ourselves that that relationship is only part of who we are. There are other aspects to us as well. We do not need to display our pain like a giant sign across our chest, as Hester Prynne is compelled to do in The Scarlet Letter.
Defining Our Worth by How Our Children Turn Out
Some parents are unable to close the door on irreconcilable differences with their adult children because of the standards by which they believe others will judge them. These standards include the expectation that they, alone, are held accountable for their family's rift, as though they should have been able to control both sides of that relationship. They expect they will be found worthless if their child is not reconciled with them, or if he doesn't turn out the way they, and possibly others, might wish.
Many parents won't let go of their child — and won't allow their wounds to heal — because they believe their best wasn't good enough and because they hope, in some vague way, that by holding on they can somehow make up for past limitations. When I talk with these parents, I tell them about the reports that have been gathered of people who have had "near-death experiences." I share with them my fascination in one particular aspect of "NDEs" as they are called. This is the account given by those individuals who have met a "being of light" or "wise being" as they waver between life and death.
If this "being" talks to the person only two questions are asked. One is, "Did you love?" The other, "Did you learn?" Notice that the questions are not: "Were you a good parent?" "How many possessions did you accumulate?" or "What side of the abortion issue were you on?"
NDEs are mysterious phenomena. There are those who accept them as evidence of life on the other side of death and those who say they're nothing more than hallucinations induced by trauma. Whatever the truth, it is most interesting that, at what could be the end of their lives, so many people with widely varying life experiences focus on the issues of loving and learning.
What higher goals could anyone have than to live as though the two most important things in life are to love and to learn?
If parents would accept that philosophy, we could more easily address the issue of failed relationships. Then we would know that we have done our best if we have loved our child. We have done our best if we have learned from our experience as a parent. We cannot do better than our best. Nor are we expected to.
An Exercise for Healing Broken Relationships
Three years ago I attended a conference at which I participated in a lovely guided imagery exercise that was designed to help participants view broken relationships in a new way. Some of the workshop participants used it to work on letting go of a loved one who had died. Others, such as myself, used it to better accept a relationship in which there did not seem to be a possibility of directly resolving differences between us and another person. At that time I didn't know where Matthew was, so this exercise seemed especially appropriate.
Since then I have adapted the exercise in several ways and have used it for a variety of clients. This guided imagery exercise can provide you with insights you had not previously known about another person or about yourself. It can help you discover aspects of the relationship you can change without requiring the other person to change. And it can allow you to become more accepting of the other person in ways that, until now, you have not been able to see. You may want to use this exercise for people other than your adult child, such as an ex-spouse and ex-friends.
If you have not done imagery before, be assured that this process does not "force" you to go someplace in your mind you do not want to go or do something you do not want to do. Everything that happens to you will be what you decide and what is best for you to gain from this experience. Imagery exercises are valuable because they make use of the healing metaphors and imagery of the right brain, by-passing the more structured analysis of the left brain that sometimes insists there is only one way to view a situation.
To use the following as a guided imagery exercise, read it slowly into a tape recorder, pausing at the places indicated, or have a friend read it to you. Or you may just want to read it several times (to under- stand what you are to do) and then complete the exercise without a tape recording.
After you are through, you may want to take a few moments and write about what happened during the exercise. Some people find it helpful to do the exercise more than once.
Let yourself become as comfortable as possible. Allow yourself to be gently supported by the chair or sofa on which you are sitting and move, if you must, to find the most relaxing position. As you let your body find its comfort, allow your eyes to gently close. . .
Now begin to relax by taking a few slow, deep, abdominal breaths, filling your lungs to capacity and releasing the air as completely as possible . . . Each time you breathe out, say to yourself, "I am relaxing. . ." After two or three of these deep breaths, let your body breathe according to its own natural rhythm, slowly and easily ...
Each time you inhale and exhale normally, allow yourself to become twice as relaxed as you were a moment before . . . Twice as comfortable . . . Twice as peaceful . . . With each breath every cell of your body becomes at ease . . . You find yourself in a state of pleasant, relaxed consciousness . . .
And now imagine that you are standing on a grassy low hill near the sea. You can smell the clean sea air and hear the sounds of birds as they circle overhead and onto the beach below. You notice a path that follows a stream flowing gently into the sea. You take the path and walk slowly to the shore, and then along the shoreline until you come to a dock where a fairly large boat is tied. The weather is perfect and you imagine it would be a good day for taking a boat ride across that sea, or to various places along the sea's edge. Allow yourself to experience being here in a place of calm, serene beauty with a sense of potential healing all around you . . .
As you look back toward the hill on which you were first standing, you notice that there is another path, different from the one you took, that also leads to the shore and then to the dock. You notice on the path a person who, at one time, had been in a relationship with you but with whom you now have a conflict that keeps you physically or emotionally apart. You can see him or her clearly, and even though you may have had difficulty being together in the past, now you realize that no harm will come to either of you in this place.
You watch as the person walks along the path and slowly comes toward you. You greet each other and walk together toward the boat. During this time you discuss how one of you will go on the boat and one of you will wait on the shore. There are a number of reasons why either one of you should go or stay, but you realize that the journey is more necessary for the one than for the other. Perhaps you talk about where it is that either one of you needs to go. You discuss the fact that sometimes people who set out on a voyage and plan to return may discover during their trip that other places hold a strong attraction for them. And so it may be possible that the person taking the trip will not return for some reason.
Once you have decided who will take the journey and who will wait on shore, you pay closer attention to the details of the boat. What does the boat look like? Notice what provisions are already on the boat and which ones still need to be brought on board. How do you fee I about the boat and what it has to offer the one who will be traveling? . . .
Now the one who is to take the journey gets on the boat. The one remaining behind unties the rope that holds the boat to the dock and watches as the boat moves slowly away into the distance and out of sight. The person on shore will experience this time in a way that is just right for that person. The journey may last only a short time, or many months or years may be needed before the journey is over. Since this is an experience in the nonlinear part of the mind, time is not of consequence; the journey can last as long as either of you needs for it to last.
Let the journey begin . . .
Now it is almost time for the boat to return to shore. Does the boat return? If it does not, allow the person on shore to accept the choice of the one who does not return. Have the person who has been waiting sit for a while and consider what it means to allow another person to choose his or her own destiny.
If the boat does return, have the person on shore greet the one who has gone on the journey. Find a comfortable place to sit and talk with the other person heart-to-heart about what happened to each of you while you were apart. You may experience this conversation as a real dialogue in which first one of you and then the other speaks. Or you may just get a sense of what happens as you and the other person discuss what you experienced while you were apart . .
What do you learn that you had not realized before? What happens as you open yourself to listen to what is in the heart of the other? . . .
As you prepare to part, remember that you can return to this place and talk again any time you need to. And now say goodbye and walk back to the hill on separate paths . . .
Become aware of the room again and take a deep breath. As you exhale, accept the healing and insights from this experience as being just right for you at this time. And when you feel ready, open your eyes.
Creating a Story of Healing
The stories we tell about our lives are not fixed and immutable, any more than our lives are fixed and immutable. The thousands of circumstances we have experienced over the years provide a wealth of possible meanings and interpretations. No one of them defines the underlying meaning and substance of events in our lives. But we keep repeating that story over and over again until we are convinced it is the only interpretation anyone could possibly arrive at, if they knew what we know.
If our story is a happy one, we don't have any incentive to change it. This is not the case with the story of disappointed parents who are unable to reconcile with their children. Yet just as we can discover new options by looking through different windows, we can discover that there is more than one story that can reflect what happened between us and our child.
If you are willing to entertain the possibility that your experiences need not be viewed as darkly as you have previously viewed them, you might try a story writing exercise I created. As difficult as it may seem to you now, this exercise can transform your story of conflict and pain into one of acceptance and peace.
This exercise will take a fair amount of time to complete; at least weeks, and probably months. It will be time and energy well spent. And while you can begin at any time, it is best if you wait until after you have worked through most of the tasks in the five stages of healing. Then, after those things have not been able to bring your child back to you, telling your story in a different way can describe the broken relationship in more healing terms.
To begin, find a quiet place, perhaps your private retreat, and sit down to consider what stories you tell yourself, and others, about your family's situation. What is the role you have assigned yourself and what is the role you have assigned your child? What emphasis do you give to each part? When you know how you want this tale to be told, begin with "Once upon a time . . . " (or something else if you wish) and write the first draft of the story of your relationship with your child. Be as creative as you can, perhaps telling your story as though it were about someone else. Write it down as thoroughly as possible and then put it aside.
The next time you feel like working on the story, read what you have written so far and notice what it feels like to have your story on paper. Since stories with many-faceted, complex emotions often change from one telling to the next, notice whether you still feel the way you felt when you first wrote it or whether some feelings have shifted. If something you had written now seems unimportant, or if you are ambivalent about some things you had previously held as absolutes, think about how you might change those things in writing the next draft. Leave this draft for your next visit.
When you return, read the story again and think about how you may want to rewrite it. This time make the rewrite shorter, if possible, leaving in only what you know are the important parts and discarding what is not essential.
Repeat this process as many times as you need, making the story more and more brief. You may even try seeing whether you can tell your story in one sentence! Long or short, realize that your story expresses, in a style that is uniquely yours, essential truths of what has happened. Your story is an important version of the unresolvable rift between you and your child, but remember, too, that it is not the absolute, definitive, final word.
When you have finished, notice what changes have happened to your story since you first began telling it. Notice that each retelling contains elements of the truth, with the whole picture evolving as you interpret events in a different way.
Writing a Letter of Closure
Two and a half years ago I met a woman whose son had recently died of cancer. As we talked, she told me that her son, who was the same age as mine, had abused drugs and alcohol before his diagnosis and continued to blame other people whenever he got into trouble. Knowing that her son was dying, she was able to share with him the things she wanted to say. When he died, she felt their relationship was complete.
Our conversation made me realize that if Matthew died, which was surely possible because he was living on the streets at the time, I would not only feel a deep loss, I would also know I had not shared with him all I wanted to share. I decided to write a letter to him, with a personal copy to each of our children. Since I sometimes over-explain myself, the letter was very long (I would write a shorter one if I were doing it today). However, the purpose was to express what I wanted to say. I did. If it took a long time to read, so be it. If my children did not understand what I was trying to say, so be it. I had done my best and felt a real sense of closure in my relationship with Matthew at that time.
Some time later I was talking with him on the phone about another matter and asked him what the letter had meant to him. His only comment was, "It's apparently something you needed to say, and you have a right to your opinion." That's not exactly the reaction I had hoped for, but at least I assumed he had read it. It would have been great if he had said, "Gee, Mom, now that I see how much you love me and how my situation has affected the whole family, I'm going to enter a treatment program and get a job." But that's just wishful thinking. I had no right to expect or demand him to respond in any particular way; nor was that my intent.
Since I wrote that letter, I have helped other parents write to their children. Before writing those letters, however, it has always been essential that the parent be willing to explore honestly why she wants to write. Only then can she be assured that the letter will not become a rehash of old fights, a defensive and angry diatribe, or a subtle manipulation to get the child to change. The primary purpose of these letters, after all, is to bring closure to a broken relationship, to acknowledge that, as things now stand, there does not seem to be a possibility for reconciliation, even though that is what the parent would prefer.
The origin of your letter arises out of conflict, of course, and you will want to take plenty of time deciding what should be included and excluded. You don't want to fan the flames but to put them out.
While there are many approaches you can take in writing your letter, I offer the following as important guidelines.
Say why you are sending a letter at this time. Perhaps you may want to tell your child that after doing some work on your own issues you have decided to put past conflicts behind you by acknowledging those things that are unlikely to change.
Make certain that the letter is an expression of love.
Be honest in what you say and in how you say it. And remember that any attempts at manipulation are only likely to drive your child further away.
Be sure to tell your child that what you write is your perspective of what has happened and not necessarily "the truth."
Assume that your child is in pain over the rift in the family, even though he may seem not to care; a cavalier attitude can hide a great deal of pain. Let him know you understand that painful emotions are possibly the reason he has chosen not to be open to reconciliation and that you hope he is able eventually to find peace to heal his own pain.
Let your child know you recognize that he has a right to make the choices he has made and you also recognize that his choices are reasonable to him, even though you do not understand them.
Do not accuse him of ruining your life or causing you physical problems. (Although I had a back operation brought on by stress during a time when there was much turmoil over problems with Matthew, I have never blamed him for my inability to handle stress more effectively.)
Acknowledge that you influenced him in many ways when he was a child and accept responsibility for your part in the current problems between you. Do not, however, take all the responsibility in the hope that, by doing so, he will return to the bosom of the family. He is an adult and responsible for his own actions.
Realize that your spouse or another significant person in your child's life also influenced him, both positively and negatively, and you may want to discuss that person as well. Be careful, however, to acknowledge that your view of that person is your own and may be distorted by your need to see that person in a particular light.
Let him know what you appreciate about him and how you hold onto the good times you shared. Do not, however, expect that just because your child enjoyed trips to the beach and family vacations that his perception of problems in your family cannot possibly be true.
Keep the door open for future contact, if you would like that to happen.
A Ritual for Goodbye and Closure
Rituals remind us of our connections with the past and open us to new adventures in the future. They can be significant passages between the different periods of our lives and the different roles we have played. Fortunately, there are rituals you can create for the closure of relationships, when you may need to change from being a parent who has had a relationship with a child to being a parent who no longer has that relationship. These ritual events are not unlike the ritual discussed earlier in which the process of grief is facilitated by releasing lost dreams through writing them on pieces of paper.
The following ritual is designed to encourage closure by celebrating the best of who your child was in the past and/or is now, even though you are not part of her life. This ceremony is especially helpful for relationships irrevocably broken by death. It can be done privately or can include others who have played important roles in your child's life. You may want to do this ritual only once or several times. Experiment to see what works best for you.
On the anniversary of your child's birth, or some other day that was important to both you and your child, set aside time to experience the love you had for her and what you have learned from the life you shared. Go to a place that was special for her, such as the park or the beach. Bring with you several things to help in the ceremony you plan: pictures you want to remember her by, a poem she liked, a copy of her favorite book, or a scarf in a color she loved. Sit down on a blanket or chair and imagine the spirit of your child is there and is receptive to what you say, glad you have taken this time to honor her.
Begin the "ceremony" by telling your child how you have loved her and what it is you have learned. You may want to read the story you have written and share what has been going on in your life while you have been estranged. Express your love, resentments, regrets, appreciations, dreams, and memories. Let your words reflect the desire that your child have a successful life and find peace for herself, just as you are finding peace for yourself. Remember that when people who have been good friends part company in strong disagreement, the greatest gift of love is when one sincerely wishes the other success. Do not worry if what you say isn't said perfectly. Your child's heart will understand. Your heart will also be listening, and healing.
The following examples offer a few ideas of the kinds of things you may want to say to your child.
"When you were very small, Sharon, I was sure that what I felt for you was love, but now I realize it was the love of possessing someone who would love me back, because I never felt really loved before. Now I see that what I thought was love may have suffocated you and driven you away. And so my lesson has been that children are not possessions. We must hold them gently and then release them to their own experiences. I let you go and wish you well."
"Jeremy, I have always loved you and always will, so it has been difficult for me to be separated from you all these years. I regret so terribly much the mistake I made in allowing your stepfather to come between us when I had a chance to make a difference in our relationship. I understand that you are bitter and that you feel it is better if I do not have contact with you. Since I want so much to include you in my life, I am very sad. When I see little children playing in the park, I cannot help but think of Alex and Bruce and wonder how much they have grown. I would like you to know that I now spend a lot of time with my neighbor's little boys, four and six, who love to come and have cookies. And we sometimes play that silly card game of Fish that you liked so much. I let go and hope you do well on your new job."
"Paul, our relationship was filled with conflict before you committed suicide, and your leaving has made life that much more difficult. We have been filled with anger, pain and guilt. Now I want to heal the rift that stood between us, a rift that may have been part of the reason you decided to take your life. I am deeply sorry you saw no other way out, but I realize you made that choice, I didn't. Since your death I have spent a lot of time not only remembering the love I tried to give you but learning about my role as a parent in your life. I have chosen this special ceremony to share my feelings with you and I believe that you can hear what I want to say Ñ and that both of us can now be at peace."
One Day at a Time
We have all heard the ancient Chinese saying that a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. A newer proverb sees progress in a little different way. This wise saying was created by Jeremy, the son of Paula Caplan, author of Don't Blame Mother. He noted that, "On a staircase there is only one real step. The rest are there only to help you along the way."
When you are tempted to become discouraged by the distance you have to go in closing a painful part of your life, remind yourself that all you can do is take one step after the other. And then stop every once in a while to look back and see where you have come from.
On the wall of a friend's house is a poster that says, "You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future." Remember that saying when you start fretting about what may happen in the years ahead. Live each day fully in the present, knowing that by doing so you will be better able to handle what tomorrow will bring.
When you bring healing closure to a relationship that seems blocked to reconciliation, new doors may open when you least expect them. And you will be ready for them.
© Copyright 1994, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT, Reprinted with permission.
LETTING GO OF OUR ADULT CHILDREN
Chapter 9: Closure When Reconcilliation Is Not Possible
BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT
Chapter 9 of Letting Go of Our Adult Children, in which you can learn how to let go with love when true reconciliation is not possible.
The hardest worker may not get a promotion. The most dedicated runner may not win a race. The most ardent suitor may not win the object of his affection. Doing our best does not mean we will always get what we want.
Some disappointed parents have done all they can to mend their family rift. They stopped trying to change their son or daughter and have worked on those things that kept them overly concerned about their child's current problems. They have forgiven themselves and their child, have mourned the loss of the dreams they had for their family, and have sincerely tried to let go with love. Yet their child may still choose not to include them in his life.
Sometimes it is parents and siblings who decide to distance themselves from an adult child who is extremely disruptive to family harmony.
Laura Morgan's sister had a twenty-year history of schizophrenia, compounded by alcohol and drug abuse, a situation Laura described in a commentary she wrote for The Los Angeles Times. Despite years of therapy and the consistent emotional and financial support of her family, her sister became increasingly delusional and violent, striking their mother on several occasions and stealing from the family to finance her drug habit. Unable to take (or give) any more, their mother packed up and moved to the Midwest two years ago. At the same time, Laura moved and got an unlisted phone number. She and her brother told their sister not to contact them. It was time for the family to cut their losses, realizing, finally, that it was a question of survival Ñ hers or theirs. The last that Laura heard about her sister, she was living on Skid Row. That is clearly not the happy ending any family wants for one of its members.
There is a limit to what parents can handle. Just as children have rights, parents have a right to be protected from the verbal and physical abuse of their children. Yet the decision to cut off relations with our children is not done without a great deal of anguish. Even then, knowing we are doing the right thing in distancing ourselves from our child does not take away the pain.
In some families parents do not have a chance for reconciliation, even if they have moved through all the stages on their path of healing. Their child may have left home years ago and disappeared, offering them no opportunity to work things through. Or their child may have died from an accident, homicide, suicide, or sudden illness before they had time to heal a torn relationship.
Not all situations that appear non-reconcilable, of course, will remain that way. Ivy, a woman I interviewed, told me that she and her husband, George, had spent many sleepless nights worrying about their only child, Ben. They had once given up hope that he would turn his life around. Their son was a heavy drug abuser who had alienated himself from his parents until, in his mid-forties, he had a child of his own. Apparently at the prodding of his wife, he sent pictures of his baby, a grandchild Ivy and George hadn't seen. The letter accompanying the picture of smiling parents and offspring stated that he now realized what it meant to have a child, adding something about how much his parents had meant to him. The new relationship is still tenuous, although there is hope it can be further repaired. Nevertheless, while Ivy and George can now breathe a little easier, at one point they had to accept, for their own peace of mind, that their child was alienated from them and that, very possibly, they would never see him again.
Unless your child has died or is completely incapacitated, there is always the possibility of reconciliation. But counting on that possibility can prevent you from ever releasing your pain and really getting on with your life.
Closure means "closing or being closed; a finish; end; conclusion." In the case of broken relationships, it is, as a friend of mine said, suturing a wound so that it can heal. Closure does not mean you write off your child forever. Instead, it is the willingness to gently close a door to the past, allowing the possibility of opening new doors for reconciliation in the future.
Stumbling Blocks to Closure
Why do the doors that need to be closed to broken relationships remain open, the wounds unsutured? There are many reasons, of course, but two common ones are the context in which we hold our pain and the way in which we expect ourselves to be judged as parents.
Defining Ourselves by Our Pain
We all know people who describe problems in their life as though their problems, pains, and sorrows are the only things worth knowing about them. My friend, Wini Pyle, however, is very different. Happening to call while I was writing this chapter, she told me that "different parts of my life are functioning at different levels." Her body isn't doing as well as she would like, her love life and spiritual life are great, her job is still rewarding. And she also feels sad, sometimes, because her only daughter has not been in contact with her for two years and will not even give her a phone number where she can be reached.
Wini told me that every day she releases her child, opening the door to the possibility that her daughter may choose to write her or otherwise reopen the relationship. In the meantime, my friend provides a wonderful illustration of the way in which we can view alienation from a child in a healthy way.
Certainly it is healthy to acknowledge our loss and pain from time to time. Yet we must also remind ourselves that that relationship is only part of who we are. There are other aspects to us as well. We do not need to display our pain like a giant sign across our chest, as Hester Prynne is compelled to do in The Scarlet Letter.
Defining Our Worth by How Our Children Turn Out
Some parents are unable to close the door on irreconcilable differences with their adult children because of the standards by which they believe others will judge them. These standards include the expectation that they, alone, are held accountable for their family's rift, as though they should have been able to control both sides of that relationship. They expect they will be found worthless if their child is not reconciled with them, or if he doesn't turn out the way they, and possibly others, might wish.
Many parents won't let go of their child — and won't allow their wounds to heal — because they believe their best wasn't good enough and because they hope, in some vague way, that by holding on they can somehow make up for past limitations. When I talk with these parents, I tell them about the reports that have been gathered of people who have had "near-death experiences." I share with them my fascination in one particular aspect of "NDEs" as they are called. This is the account given by those individuals who have met a "being of light" or "wise being" as they waver between life and death.
If this "being" talks to the person only two questions are asked. One is, "Did you love?" The other, "Did you learn?" Notice that the questions are not: "Were you a good parent?" "How many possessions did you accumulate?" or "What side of the abortion issue were you on?"
NDEs are mysterious phenomena. There are those who accept them as evidence of life on the other side of death and those who say they're nothing more than hallucinations induced by trauma. Whatever the truth, it is most interesting that, at what could be the end of their lives, so many people with widely varying life experiences focus on the issues of loving and learning.
What higher goals could anyone have than to live as though the two most important things in life are to love and to learn?
If parents would accept that philosophy, we could more easily address the issue of failed relationships. Then we would know that we have done our best if we have loved our child. We have done our best if we have learned from our experience as a parent. We cannot do better than our best. Nor are we expected to.
An Exercise for Healing Broken Relationships
Three years ago I attended a conference at which I participated in a lovely guided imagery exercise that was designed to help participants view broken relationships in a new way. Some of the workshop participants used it to work on letting go of a loved one who had died. Others, such as myself, used it to better accept a relationship in which there did not seem to be a possibility of directly resolving differences between us and another person. At that time I didn't know where Matthew was, so this exercise seemed especially appropriate.
Since then I have adapted the exercise in several ways and have used it for a variety of clients. This guided imagery exercise can provide you with insights you had not previously known about another person or about yourself. It can help you discover aspects of the relationship you can change without requiring the other person to change. And it can allow you to become more accepting of the other person in ways that, until now, you have not been able to see. You may want to use this exercise for people other than your adult child, such as an ex-spouse and ex-friends.
If you have not done imagery before, be assured that this process does not "force" you to go someplace in your mind you do not want to go or do something you do not want to do. Everything that happens to you will be what you decide and what is best for you to gain from this experience. Imagery exercises are valuable because they make use of the healing metaphors and imagery of the right brain, by-passing the more structured analysis of the left brain that sometimes insists there is only one way to view a situation.
To use the following as a guided imagery exercise, read it slowly into a tape recorder, pausing at the places indicated, or have a friend read it to you. Or you may just want to read it several times (to under- stand what you are to do) and then complete the exercise without a tape recording.
After you are through, you may want to take a few moments and write about what happened during the exercise. Some people find it helpful to do the exercise more than once.
Let yourself become as comfortable as possible. Allow yourself to be gently supported by the chair or sofa on which you are sitting and move, if you must, to find the most relaxing position. As you let your body find its comfort, allow your eyes to gently close. . .
Now begin to relax by taking a few slow, deep, abdominal breaths, filling your lungs to capacity and releasing the air as completely as possible . . . Each time you breathe out, say to yourself, "I am relaxing. . ." After two or three of these deep breaths, let your body breathe according to its own natural rhythm, slowly and easily ...
Each time you inhale and exhale normally, allow yourself to become twice as relaxed as you were a moment before . . . Twice as comfortable . . . Twice as peaceful . . . With each breath every cell of your body becomes at ease . . . You find yourself in a state of pleasant, relaxed consciousness . . .
And now imagine that you are standing on a grassy low hill near the sea. You can smell the clean sea air and hear the sounds of birds as they circle overhead and onto the beach below. You notice a path that follows a stream flowing gently into the sea. You take the path and walk slowly to the shore, and then along the shoreline until you come to a dock where a fairly large boat is tied. The weather is perfect and you imagine it would be a good day for taking a boat ride across that sea, or to various places along the sea's edge. Allow yourself to experience being here in a place of calm, serene beauty with a sense of potential healing all around you . . .
As you look back toward the hill on which you were first standing, you notice that there is another path, different from the one you took, that also leads to the shore and then to the dock. You notice on the path a person who, at one time, had been in a relationship with you but with whom you now have a conflict that keeps you physically or emotionally apart. You can see him or her clearly, and even though you may have had difficulty being together in the past, now you realize that no harm will come to either of you in this place.
You watch as the person walks along the path and slowly comes toward you. You greet each other and walk together toward the boat. During this time you discuss how one of you will go on the boat and one of you will wait on the shore. There are a number of reasons why either one of you should go or stay, but you realize that the journey is more necessary for the one than for the other. Perhaps you talk about where it is that either one of you needs to go. You discuss the fact that sometimes people who set out on a voyage and plan to return may discover during their trip that other places hold a strong attraction for them. And so it may be possible that the person taking the trip will not return for some reason.
Once you have decided who will take the journey and who will wait on shore, you pay closer attention to the details of the boat. What does the boat look like? Notice what provisions are already on the boat and which ones still need to be brought on board. How do you fee I about the boat and what it has to offer the one who will be traveling? . . .
Now the one who is to take the journey gets on the boat. The one remaining behind unties the rope that holds the boat to the dock and watches as the boat moves slowly away into the distance and out of sight. The person on shore will experience this time in a way that is just right for that person. The journey may last only a short time, or many months or years may be needed before the journey is over. Since this is an experience in the nonlinear part of the mind, time is not of consequence; the journey can last as long as either of you needs for it to last.
Let the journey begin . . .
Now it is almost time for the boat to return to shore. Does the boat return? If it does not, allow the person on shore to accept the choice of the one who does not return. Have the person who has been waiting sit for a while and consider what it means to allow another person to choose his or her own destiny.
If the boat does return, have the person on shore greet the one who has gone on the journey. Find a comfortable place to sit and talk with the other person heart-to-heart about what happened to each of you while you were apart. You may experience this conversation as a real dialogue in which first one of you and then the other speaks. Or you may just get a sense of what happens as you and the other person discuss what you experienced while you were apart . .
What do you learn that you had not realized before? What happens as you open yourself to listen to what is in the heart of the other? . . .
As you prepare to part, remember that you can return to this place and talk again any time you need to. And now say goodbye and walk back to the hill on separate paths . . .
Become aware of the room again and take a deep breath. As you exhale, accept the healing and insights from this experience as being just right for you at this time. And when you feel ready, open your eyes.
Creating a Story of Healing
The stories we tell about our lives are not fixed and immutable, any more than our lives are fixed and immutable. The thousands of circumstances we have experienced over the years provide a wealth of possible meanings and interpretations. No one of them defines the underlying meaning and substance of events in our lives. But we keep repeating that story over and over again until we are convinced it is the only interpretation anyone could possibly arrive at, if they knew what we know.
If our story is a happy one, we don't have any incentive to change it. This is not the case with the story of disappointed parents who are unable to reconcile with their children. Yet just as we can discover new options by looking through different windows, we can discover that there is more than one story that can reflect what happened between us and our child.
If you are willing to entertain the possibility that your experiences need not be viewed as darkly as you have previously viewed them, you might try a story writing exercise I created. As difficult as it may seem to you now, this exercise can transform your story of conflict and pain into one of acceptance and peace.
This exercise will take a fair amount of time to complete; at least weeks, and probably months. It will be time and energy well spent. And while you can begin at any time, it is best if you wait until after you have worked through most of the tasks in the five stages of healing. Then, after those things have not been able to bring your child back to you, telling your story in a different way can describe the broken relationship in more healing terms.
To begin, find a quiet place, perhaps your private retreat, and sit down to consider what stories you tell yourself, and others, about your family's situation. What is the role you have assigned yourself and what is the role you have assigned your child? What emphasis do you give to each part? When you know how you want this tale to be told, begin with "Once upon a time . . . " (or something else if you wish) and write the first draft of the story of your relationship with your child. Be as creative as you can, perhaps telling your story as though it were about someone else. Write it down as thoroughly as possible and then put it aside.
The next time you feel like working on the story, read what you have written so far and notice what it feels like to have your story on paper. Since stories with many-faceted, complex emotions often change from one telling to the next, notice whether you still feel the way you felt when you first wrote it or whether some feelings have shifted. If something you had written now seems unimportant, or if you are ambivalent about some things you had previously held as absolutes, think about how you might change those things in writing the next draft. Leave this draft for your next visit.
When you return, read the story again and think about how you may want to rewrite it. This time make the rewrite shorter, if possible, leaving in only what you know are the important parts and discarding what is not essential.
Repeat this process as many times as you need, making the story more and more brief. You may even try seeing whether you can tell your story in one sentence! Long or short, realize that your story expresses, in a style that is uniquely yours, essential truths of what has happened. Your story is an important version of the unresolvable rift between you and your child, but remember, too, that it is not the absolute, definitive, final word.
When you have finished, notice what changes have happened to your story since you first began telling it. Notice that each retelling contains elements of the truth, with the whole picture evolving as you interpret events in a different way.
Writing a Letter of Closure
Two and a half years ago I met a woman whose son had recently died of cancer. As we talked, she told me that her son, who was the same age as mine, had abused drugs and alcohol before his diagnosis and continued to blame other people whenever he got into trouble. Knowing that her son was dying, she was able to share with him the things she wanted to say. When he died, she felt their relationship was complete.
Our conversation made me realize that if Matthew died, which was surely possible because he was living on the streets at the time, I would not only feel a deep loss, I would also know I had not shared with him all I wanted to share. I decided to write a letter to him, with a personal copy to each of our children. Since I sometimes over-explain myself, the letter was very long (I would write a shorter one if I were doing it today). However, the purpose was to express what I wanted to say. I did. If it took a long time to read, so be it. If my children did not understand what I was trying to say, so be it. I had done my best and felt a real sense of closure in my relationship with Matthew at that time.
Some time later I was talking with him on the phone about another matter and asked him what the letter had meant to him. His only comment was, "It's apparently something you needed to say, and you have a right to your opinion." That's not exactly the reaction I had hoped for, but at least I assumed he had read it. It would have been great if he had said, "Gee, Mom, now that I see how much you love me and how my situation has affected the whole family, I'm going to enter a treatment program and get a job." But that's just wishful thinking. I had no right to expect or demand him to respond in any particular way; nor was that my intent.
Since I wrote that letter, I have helped other parents write to their children. Before writing those letters, however, it has always been essential that the parent be willing to explore honestly why she wants to write. Only then can she be assured that the letter will not become a rehash of old fights, a defensive and angry diatribe, or a subtle manipulation to get the child to change. The primary purpose of these letters, after all, is to bring closure to a broken relationship, to acknowledge that, as things now stand, there does not seem to be a possibility for reconciliation, even though that is what the parent would prefer.
The origin of your letter arises out of conflict, of course, and you will want to take plenty of time deciding what should be included and excluded. You don't want to fan the flames but to put them out.
While there are many approaches you can take in writing your letter, I offer the following as important guidelines.
Say why you are sending a letter at this time. Perhaps you may want to tell your child that after doing some work on your own issues you have decided to put past conflicts behind you by acknowledging those things that are unlikely to change.
Make certain that the letter is an expression of love.
Be honest in what you say and in how you say it. And remember that any attempts at manipulation are only likely to drive your child further away.
Be sure to tell your child that what you write is your perspective of what has happened and not necessarily "the truth."
Assume that your child is in pain over the rift in the family, even though he may seem not to care; a cavalier attitude can hide a great deal of pain. Let him know you understand that painful emotions are possibly the reason he has chosen not to be open to reconciliation and that you hope he is able eventually to find peace to heal his own pain.
Let your child know you recognize that he has a right to make the choices he has made and you also recognize that his choices are reasonable to him, even though you do not understand them.
Do not accuse him of ruining your life or causing you physical problems. (Although I had a back operation brought on by stress during a time when there was much turmoil over problems with Matthew, I have never blamed him for my inability to handle stress more effectively.)
Acknowledge that you influenced him in many ways when he was a child and accept responsibility for your part in the current problems between you. Do not, however, take all the responsibility in the hope that, by doing so, he will return to the bosom of the family. He is an adult and responsible for his own actions.
Realize that your spouse or another significant person in your child's life also influenced him, both positively and negatively, and you may want to discuss that person as well. Be careful, however, to acknowledge that your view of that person is your own and may be distorted by your need to see that person in a particular light.
Let him know what you appreciate about him and how you hold onto the good times you shared. Do not, however, expect that just because your child enjoyed trips to the beach and family vacations that his perception of problems in your family cannot possibly be true.
Keep the door open for future contact, if you would like that to happen.
A Ritual for Goodbye and Closure
Rituals remind us of our connections with the past and open us to new adventures in the future. They can be significant passages between the different periods of our lives and the different roles we have played. Fortunately, there are rituals you can create for the closure of relationships, when you may need to change from being a parent who has had a relationship with a child to being a parent who no longer has that relationship. These ritual events are not unlike the ritual discussed earlier in which the process of grief is facilitated by releasing lost dreams through writing them on pieces of paper.
The following ritual is designed to encourage closure by celebrating the best of who your child was in the past and/or is now, even though you are not part of her life. This ceremony is especially helpful for relationships irrevocably broken by death. It can be done privately or can include others who have played important roles in your child's life. You may want to do this ritual only once or several times. Experiment to see what works best for you.
On the anniversary of your child's birth, or some other day that was important to both you and your child, set aside time to experience the love you had for her and what you have learned from the life you shared. Go to a place that was special for her, such as the park or the beach. Bring with you several things to help in the ceremony you plan: pictures you want to remember her by, a poem she liked, a copy of her favorite book, or a scarf in a color she loved. Sit down on a blanket or chair and imagine the spirit of your child is there and is receptive to what you say, glad you have taken this time to honor her.
Begin the "ceremony" by telling your child how you have loved her and what it is you have learned. You may want to read the story you have written and share what has been going on in your life while you have been estranged. Express your love, resentments, regrets, appreciations, dreams, and memories. Let your words reflect the desire that your child have a successful life and find peace for herself, just as you are finding peace for yourself. Remember that when people who have been good friends part company in strong disagreement, the greatest gift of love is when one sincerely wishes the other success. Do not worry if what you say isn't said perfectly. Your child's heart will understand. Your heart will also be listening, and healing.
The following examples offer a few ideas of the kinds of things you may want to say to your child.
"When you were very small, Sharon, I was sure that what I felt for you was love, but now I realize it was the love of possessing someone who would love me back, because I never felt really loved before. Now I see that what I thought was love may have suffocated you and driven you away. And so my lesson has been that children are not possessions. We must hold them gently and then release them to their own experiences. I let you go and wish you well."
"Jeremy, I have always loved you and always will, so it has been difficult for me to be separated from you all these years. I regret so terribly much the mistake I made in allowing your stepfather to come between us when I had a chance to make a difference in our relationship. I understand that you are bitter and that you feel it is better if I do not have contact with you. Since I want so much to include you in my life, I am very sad. When I see little children playing in the park, I cannot help but think of Alex and Bruce and wonder how much they have grown. I would like you to know that I now spend a lot of time with my neighbor's little boys, four and six, who love to come and have cookies. And we sometimes play that silly card game of Fish that you liked so much. I let go and hope you do well on your new job."
"Paul, our relationship was filled with conflict before you committed suicide, and your leaving has made life that much more difficult. We have been filled with anger, pain and guilt. Now I want to heal the rift that stood between us, a rift that may have been part of the reason you decided to take your life. I am deeply sorry you saw no other way out, but I realize you made that choice, I didn't. Since your death I have spent a lot of time not only remembering the love I tried to give you but learning about my role as a parent in your life. I have chosen this special ceremony to share my feelings with you and I believe that you can hear what I want to say Ñ and that both of us can now be at peace."
One Day at a Time
We have all heard the ancient Chinese saying that a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. A newer proverb sees progress in a little different way. This wise saying was created by Jeremy, the son of Paula Caplan, author of Don't Blame Mother. He noted that, "On a staircase there is only one real step. The rest are there only to help you along the way."
When you are tempted to become discouraged by the distance you have to go in closing a painful part of your life, remind yourself that all you can do is take one step after the other. And then stop every once in a while to look back and see where you have come from.
On the wall of a friend's house is a poster that says, "You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future." Remember that saying when you start fretting about what may happen in the years ahead. Live each day fully in the present, knowing that by doing so you will be better able to handle what tomorrow will bring.
When you bring healing closure to a relationship that seems blocked to reconciliation, new doors may open when you least expect them. And you will be ready for them.
© Copyright 1994, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT, Reprinted with permission.
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