The Characterization of Fandom in the NFL

The Characterization Of Fandom In The NFL
M.D. Wright
9.11.08
Edited: 9.30.09

In this post, I will discuss the character of each NFL team's fanbase. These are mere generalizations, so do not send me emails saying I am being judgmental or condemning one team's fans LOL

AFC East

Buffalo Bills.

The Bills fan is one of the most loyal fans out there. I mean, you have to be, right? Half your games are played in below freezing temperatures. Many times, the zamboni guy has to shovel two feet of snow off the field before the game. They don't brag much, as there isn't much to brag about (unless you count the string of AFC Championships from 1990-1993 -- and the subsequent losses in each Super Bowl that followed). However, you won't find too many more loyal fans than these. And they do not have bandwagoners. Why? It's Buffalo. Most people can't locate it on a map, much less pull a quad muscle jumping onto the bandwagon. Restricted to people from Western New York State, northwestern Pennsylvania, southern Ontario and the transplants who have moved elsewhere throughout the United States.

Miami Dolphins.

Your typical Dolphins fan is of medicare age or a transplant New Yorker. Half of the people in the Miami-Dade area are from New York, right? Or does it just seem that way? At any rate, I can't really say much for Dolphins fans. In the 10 years since Dan Marino (hereafter referred to as simply "Dan", as is customary in my sports writs) retired, the franchise has been like a turnstile in midtown Manhattan. Several coaches, several quarterbacks, several runningbacks, several receivers, several offensive line (wholesale changes, that is), and the list goes on. The only mainstays from Dan's days were Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas, and they both left the team this offseason via free agency. Coming off a 2-14 season in 2007, I don't know how I can characterize the Dolphin fan. One thing that DOES annoy me is that segment that is either old enough or likes to harp upon that 1972 team. When I encounter THAT group, I nearly throw up in my throat.

New England Patriots.

I will try to keep this brief. You have two sets of "FANS" when it comes to the Patriots. You have the Bill Simmons Patriot fan who survived the 1980s (including the Bears annihilation in Super Bowl XX) and endured the ups and downs of the 1990s (another Super Bowl loss, even more heartbreaking -- to Brett Favre and Reggie White's Packers), and you have the bandwagoner who isn't from Medford, or Bristol, CT or even Manchester, NH -- but rather from Cary, NC or Kernersville, NC or some other podunk hole in the wall -- claiming they have been a Patriots fan for "life". Yeah, and I am Tiger Woods, too. Most of these people can't name five players on the team (mind you, they have three or four PERENNIAL Pro Bowlers) yet, they are fans. A couple of them even slip up and admit (inadvertantly) that they became fans in 2001. Whether they claim to be frontrunners or not, most Patriot fans outside of the northestern US are bandwagoners. Plain and simple. I will not argue about that. I feel very strongly about this.

However, for those who were truly fans before 2001, I can somewhat deal with them, much like I can deal with TRUE Red Sox fans. The latter are reasonable, almost pisspoor and woe-is-me in nature about everything. When the Red Sox won in 2004 and again in 2007, they did not gloat. The bandwagoners, however, will let you know in the midst of every conversation, be it about NFL, MLB or their busted catalytic converter -- that the Red Sox are the best ever. Such is the case with bandwagon Patriots fans. I can do without them. They have some of the worst "fans" imaginable -- as is the case with anyone who roots for a Boston-area team.

New York Jets.
Hey Jets fan, us Giants fans pity you guys. Your team has royally sucked for 35 years and although we look at you almost as little brothers -- even sharing our stadium with us when the Giants aren't in town, we cannot stand most of you. Fireman Ed Anzalone is the most visible and vocal Jets fan, but he doesn't typify the majority of their fans. Ed is a guy you can watch a game with at a bar in Weehawken, or even attend a Giants-Jets game at Giants Stadium and not be annoyed by all his yelling. However, the majority of the Jets fans that I KNOW are from Long Island, the suburbs in New Jersey and Westchester, Rockland and Orange counties in New York. A bunch of elitists who root for a perennially sucky team. Note the irony.

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens.

This team, at least the incarnation of it (1996-present) is rather new, so its fanbase is pretty much limited to the DelMarVa area and a few holdover bandwagoners who claim that Ray Lewis saved their life the night the Ravens defeated my Giants in January 2001. Whatever. As for the rest of the Ravens fans, these guys have to cheer on a team that underperforms when the expectations are high, and overachieves when the expectations are low. For the most part, they have proven to be loyal, but I would imagine it was a tough pill to swallow to have a coach, who for ten years (Billick) was your head coach and offensive "guru", yet your offense barely ever moved the ball. If not for the Lewis-led defense, would this team even be a blip on anyone's radar? However, most Ravens fans are likeable.

Cincinnati Bengals. Hah,

These ARE your father's Bengals after all. Well, if your father was born in 1943 and he watched those 1970s teams fritter away alot of good talent and never do much. In the 1980s, they were annually very good and went to a couple of Super Bowls (1982, 1989) but never won -- although they SHOULD have defeated San Francisco in Super Bowl XXIII. The 1990s were brutal on Joe Bengal Fan, with failed draft picks, QBs who were busts, running backs from Big Ten schools (never good) and a defense that could've been mistaken for the waters that stood in front of Moses and the Israelites. Until about 2004, the Bengals were irrelevant. Then a funny thing happened. They began drafting semi-wisely. Chad Johnson (as he was previously known). TJ Houshmandzadeh, Carson Palmer, Rudi Johnson. They were doing alright. The defense still sucks to this day, which is why, for all their high powered antics on offense, the team never has accomplished much except draw attention from the major sports outlets for Chad Ocho Cinco's antics. The Bengal fan isn't a bad guy, mostly working class and doesn't gloat. Most of them don't even bring up the halcyon days of the 80s. I can't hate them for that. Good bunch.

Cleveland Browns.

I feel for these guys. They (well USED TO -- since most of them live in Richfield and other antiseptic suburbs now) live in a stinking town, with a former stadium that was dank and never held up well after October in Municipal Stadium and now, with the former Browns team moving to Baltimore in 1996, this incarnation of the Browns (1999-present) has a brand new life and optimism. After a few false starts (drafting Tim Couch and hinging all hopes of success upon a second-rate QB), they have finally gotten it right. Most current Browns fans are those who rooted for the original Browns. These are good people. They love to eat. They love to drink. And they love their Browns. They aren't spiteful, and they aren't bitter in defeat. Who can't deal with that?

Pittsburgh Steelers.

Pittsbuuuuuuuuuggggg (as NFL Films' John Facenda used to say it) has a rich history, a history that a few people who are not even old enough to remember(nor have any connection to Western Pennsylvania whatsoEVER) like to go on and on about while claiming to be Steelers fans. For those who are tried and true Steeler fans, I have no gripe with them. First of all, they are in the AFC. The Giants only play them every 3-4 years. But for what I have seen, their fans are loyal to the bitter end. They had that 26 year drought of winning Super Bowls that ended in January 2006. They have had countless Hall of Fame players. They know how to tailgate, that's for sure. Personally, I haven't come across too many bad Steeler fans at all. The only ones I don't like are those over age 18 who just "became" Steeler fans and are historians of the team all of a sudden since the 2005 season concluded.

AFC South

Houston Texans.

This is a new franchise (2002). Not much interest outside of southeast Texas (as the rest of Texas is Cowboy country and Louisiana is Saints Territory... WHO DEY?) and a few people who have ties to the high draft picks and what have you. I can't write much about them, but as their fortunes look good for the 2008 season, expect to hear a few people exclaim that they just KNEW Matt Schaub would be great when given the chance, or that they said all along that the Texans made the right move by selecting Mario Williams #1 overall in the 2006 draft over Reginald Bush -- or even that they've known Andre Johnson since BEFORE he got to The U. (Univ. of Miami-FL), much less during his tenure with Houston. We will see in a few years. For now, I don't have enough information to write on them. Keep an eye on the things I've said here, though.

Indianapolis Colts.

Joe Colt fan is pretty likable. Even when they won the Super Bowl, you kind of didn't mind that a few bandwagoners came out of the woodwork. Besides, who didn't like seeing Tony Dungy win it all after his son died? As many Peyton Manning haters as there are (of which I am not one), he finally justified all the praise that was given to him coming into the NFL. Marvin Harrison is one of the good guys (minus shooting a guy in Philly last summer) in the league and their team is all-around disciplined, well-coached and doesn't pop up on ESPN for getting in trouble. That sort of typifies their fanbase as well. They just go about business and are easy to get along with.

Jacksonville Jaguars.

The JAGUWIRES, for all their high-flying success (although no Super Bowls) in the 1990s after entering the league in 1995) have a pretty local fanbase. Not too many people outside of northeast Florida claims them. They don't even sell out any of their games. They've always been good (aside from a couple of 4-12 seasons and .500 teams here and there), so you'd think there'd be a few bandwagoners. There aren't. And I've been to half of the states in the US, and a few places outside of the US. Not a sniff of Jaguar pride. I don't even know a Jaguar fan.

Tennessee Titans.

The Titans (previously Houston Oilers) have an interesting fanbase. Some of their fans are new. Some of them are merely Tennesseans. Some of them came with the Oiler franchise. Some of the old Oiler fans (I liked watching the Warren Moon Oilers -- they were fun to watch) swore off the team after it packed its rags and left for Nashville. I don't know too many Titan fans, but they aren't really that well spread out to get a handle on their conduct. They aren't loud and boisterous at the stadium unless they get a 80 yd FG by that kicker of theirs who never seems to miss anything. They aren't a bunch of rednecks or hicks from the backwoods of Tennessee, though (unless you know some like that who can actually afford the PSLs for Titans games).

AFC West

Denver Broncos.

I hate the Broncos. I hate their fans. I don't even know why. Yes, they did (and to this day are the last team to) win Back to Back Super Bowls 1997-98, but it was just something about those teams I hated. Their fans are much like that. You wonder how some of them even like Denver. Yes, Elway is the GOAT of QBs (no apologies to Montana, Dan or John Madden's Boyfriend who plays for the Jets now), but their fans are some of the most obnoxious out there. They always think they are going to win the division. Even this year, I have heard so many of them (and let's not get started about what I have been hearing since the MNF game in Week 1 of 2008 -- after they beat up on one of the worst/most discombobulated teams in the NFL in Oakland) exclaim that they are going to win the AFC West. How? By hoping that LaDainian Tomlinson, Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates joint Shawne Merriman on Injured Reserve? Please. That's what it is -- they make me hate them because they always think they are going to win it all. I mean, on one hand you should be optimistic, but let's be real. Even after shutting Oakland out, they are still a 6-10 team at best.

Kansas City Chiefs.

It is a wonder Herman Edwards still has a job. If it weren't for his buddy-buddy relationship with Carl Peterson, he wouldn't. Chiefs fans have been eating a lot of humble pie and crow since the turn of the century. I do not pity them. They used to be arrogant jerks. Their teams were good, but they started bragging at the tailgate outside of the stadium and they traveled well -- doing the same thing wherever their teams were playing. Now that they are going to be losers for the next 2-4 years, I don't hate them as much.

Oakland Raiders.
I would suppose there was a time when their fans truly DID scare you with all that Star Wars get-up that they wear in the stands. Now they just look like attention-deprived clowns. To think, some of those people work desk jobs next to sane people? These guys have suffered alot since Marcus Allen roamed the backfield and Howie Long would club QBs in the head when he piled up sacks. I'll give them a pass. They would still be the arrogant, loudmouth douchebags they were when John Madden coached them if they were only that good.

R.I.P. Gene.

San Diego Chargers.
The Charger fan has taken on a metamorphosis. They always want their team to do well. What team's fans don't (don't answer... you know its a certain team in southeast PA)? They were loveable losers after Fouts left, to very hateable winners now that they have a potent team (2004-present). I am a Charger fan, but I am Giants first. I became a Charger fan because Marion Butts (FROM? Florida State.) played there. Then Natrone Means (FROM? Carolina.) went there. I liked Junior Seau (pre-Patriots) and I liked Rodney Harrison hitting guys late and headhunting as the Chargers' free and later strong safety (pre-Patriots -- now I hate him). Still, most Charger fans are grounded. Only a few loopy ones here and there, thinking this latest version of the Chargers will be the ones to win it all -- have become downright obnoxious. I am not one of them. I will watch the team bubble for a while. Then we'll see.

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys.
Easily the most hated team and most hated fans on the face of this earth. Philadelphia Eagles (hereafter referred to as IGGLE) fans would take the cake, but they haven't won anything, so they are much like pre-2004 Red Sox fans. You hate hearing them, but then you realize your teams (Giants, Yankees) have more titles than their team will ever sniff before Christ comes back for us -- and they're not as annoying. Cowboys fans brag so much, until a knowledgeable Sports Guy like myself knocks them back to reality by stating they haven't won a SINGLE PLAYOFF GAME since 1996. Then they shut up for a second. Then they start talking about Romo and Owens. Then they realize this team is starting to look like the 1990s Braves -- only they won't have a 1995 season like the Braves had. I hate them. And who KNOWS how many bandwagoners have been mixed in there since 1971?

New York Giants.
With the Giants, you get the essence of your typical NON-RICH New Yorker. The New Yorker you see interviewed on the street. The New Yorker who has to hold down two jobs to get by. The New Yorker who will give you the bird, curse you out and then enjoy ribs with you at the game. Although the Boston-biased ESPN goons will hate the Giants until the cows come home, how many people TRULY hate the Giants and their fans? Who were 90% of America rooting for on Feb. 3, 2008? Yes, I thought so. Giants fans are amongst (if not THE) most loyal fans in the NFL and all of major professional sports. PERIOD. And as with all New York sports fans, they know their sports more than any other teams' fans. I will not argue this. It has been proven.

Philadelphia Eagles.
Iggles fans are the scum of the earth. Maybe they are bitter they have never won. They finally got NEAR a Super Bowl championship and thought the world revolved around them. Then the player responsible for them getting there threw their QB Donovan McNabb under the bus and skipped town. They have been irrelevant ever since. I wish they would just throw them all in the jail underneath the stadium (or did they not build The Linc with one like The Vet had?) Another annoyance is that their fans believe the ESPN/FOX Sports hype that always perennially picks them to win the division every year. Wait. With THOSE WRs? And the "best" of them is hurt? They just cut another one? Yet their fans still think they are winners. They throw batteries, snow and other objects at their OWN PLAYERS -- laugh when a player nearly gets paralyzed at the Vet. They are the scum of the earth.

Washington Redskins.
I hate Washington. I have always hated the Redskins AND their fans. They have won Super Bowls, so they are particularly difficult to deal with. They are irrational and regardless of the fact the Redskins have been irrelevant (as a Washington, DC area team can possibly be) for the past 15 years, you never hear their fans shut up. Some call that persistence and consistent fandom. I call it delusion and annoying. I have never in my lifetime known more than three likable Redskins fans.

NFC North

Chicago Bears.

Bears fans are okay. They don't gloat about the '85 Bears much, partly because most of the people who are old enough to remember that team are too old to resort to such childish things. The younger set are irrational, though. They have been deluded by Bears' management into thinking they can win with 11 players instead of 22 -- meaning they have NO offense whatsoever, and it's almost always been that way -- meanwhile relying upon defense. They are a likeable bunch, though. I haven't met a Bears fan that I hate.

Detroit Lions.
These guys have it about as bad as anyone. They've never been relevant in the modern NFL era -- except when Barry Sanders was dazzling us from 1989-1998. They cheer on a losing team better than most people. I can't hate on that. They should get rid of Matt Millen though.

Green Bay Packers.
The Cheeseheads are some of the most loyal fans out there. In fact, some of their fans OWN part of the team. How's that for fandom? They are legendary tailgaters, bratwurst mavens and can down some lager like no other. They invented the Lambeau Leap with the Packer players and cheer their team no matter what. They never turn on the Pack. One thing that ANNOYS ME GREATLY is that Todd Rundgren song they play whenever the Packers score a touchdown. What year is that song from? 1976? 1978? Why are they still playing this? Why are they playing a song that was on the charts back when the Packers temporarily disappeared from the NFL conscious? Anyway, Packer fans are alright with me -- just the ones who haven't a clue about the players past ex-Packer Brett Favre and seemingly have NO connection to Green Bay whatsoever. I know a few of them right now.

Minnesota Vikings.

These guys are brutal. Not in a bad way, though. Opposing teams don't like playing in the Metrodome with their imported noise and such. However, Viking fans aren't insufferable; partly because they've never won anything. I've come across a few of their fans here and there. They know their sports.

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons.

Before Deion Sanders (1989-1993) and Michael Vick (2001-2006) the Falcons did not really have fans. They had people who showed up to the Georgia Dome to tailgate and socialize and have something to do on Sundays. That's it. Now that Vick is doing time and definitely won't be back in Atlanta, it's back to that. Simple.

Carolina Panthers.

Panther fans are manifold. You have your fan who dips snuff, drag races cars, wears the same pit-stained shirt for weeks at a time and has black fingernails... to your office worker who just pulls for the team because it represents the first NFL team in North Carolina, and then you have your money makers and movers and shakers that live in Charlotte or Raleigh-Durham who are either transplants from New York or New Jersey and bend over backwards to fit into North Carolina's customs while maintaining their "we're still better than you" mindsets about North Carolinians. Makes for an interesting and rare fanbase. Considering the team is less than 15 years old, that's what happens. There are only four teams whose fans I know more of than Panther fans (Giants, Cowboys, Redskins, Eagles). Part of that is that I currently live in North Carolina, I know, but it seems like EVERYONE in North Carolina is a Panther fan. That is a lot of people. I can't hate on them -- until they start trying to bash the Giants, which many of them like to do -- as if the Panthers have won anything yet.

New Orleans Saints.

I love Saints fans. They are wild and boisterous. Everything surrounding the Saints is a party. Even before Katrina, these cats know how to do it. The Saints have been horrible most of their 40 years in the NFL, although they are looking good the past few years. Jim Mora (PLAYOFFS?!?!?!) made them somewhat respectable before his "we couldn't do... DIDDLY POO OFFENSIVELY..." speech following a loss to the second year Carolina Panthers in 1996 and immediate resignation. They weren't relevant again until 2006. However, the fans are great. Who can hate them?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
Bucs fans are somewhat similar to Dolphins fans, except they had an inferiority complex until the Bucs won it in 2002. It seems as though they are headed back to those days when they wore the sherbet jerseys and once went winless in a season (once Derrick Brooks... FROM?! and Jeff Garcia retire in the next year or two). I hate to say that, but they are not going anywhere soon. Once Gruden jumps (or gets pushed off) ship after this season, they are going to be bad. VERY BAD. Hope the Bucs fans enjoyed the ride with Dungy and Gruden winning with Dungy's players. Bucs fans don't bother anyone, though. Who has a problem with them? Even when the Giants came to town for the 2007-08 playoffs, they were bragging but were NERVOUS as well. They were nervous for good reason as it turns out. But since they have won a Super Bowl, they aren't exactly Chicago Cubs fans LOL

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals.
These guys have to be masochists or something. They have never come CLOSE to winning anything. They still aren't as of the 2008 season. How do they have fans? Have you ever known a Cardinal fan? I haven't either. What is life like for them? Do they work as collections agents to offset the pain that the other 31 teams in the NFL routinely inflict on their team? I don't get it. They have a brand new stadium and come close to selling it out, but I don't understand it. They have even begun bringing high priced free agents and nice talent in through the draft lately, but it hasn't materialized into anything but 8-8 seasons, as opposed to the typical 4-12, 5-11 seasons the Cardinals have had throughout my lifetime (except for the Roy Green and Neil Lomax years) and for that matter, their entire existence. I feel emo now.

St. Louis Rams.
The Rams fan is unique. The team was based in Anaheim for nearly 50 years before moving to St. Louis in 1994. The Los Angeles Rams had a decent history and their fans were loyal. The St. Louis Rams fans are fickle. They've jumped on and off ship like they were fishing by mouth. They were excited when the team came to town. Then they were losers for about five years. The fans left in droves. Then they snatched Marshall Faulk from the Colts in 1999 for the Colts to obtain the rights to draft Edgerrin James. Then Trent Green got blown up by Rodney Harrison and Kurt Warner, who had probably bagged my cousin Patrice's groceries in Iowa at one time, came in and led them to a Super Bowl. Next thing you know, they have the Greatest Show on Turf! People were rockin' Faulk jerseys left and right. The Rams had a lot of fans on the east coast, which is striking, given the east coast is where the NFL began and most people are entrenched in their fandom. Makes you wonder.

At any rate, the Rams are probably the worst team in the NFL in 2008 and will be for a while. We will see how this affects their fans. They are notorious for being fickle.

San Francisco 49ers.
I hated San Francisco growing up. I hated their fans, they were arrogant, much like Bill Walsh, Joe Montana, Steve Young and Jerry Rice were. They thought they were better than everyone else. Secretly, the 49ers were PETRIFIED of ever playing the Giants in the 1980s and early 1990s. They were able to avoid playing the Giants several times, but whenever they did (aside from one playoff blowout) they lost. Lawrence Taylor & Co. had that effect on all teams, no shame there. Now that they are pitiful, I have no pity for them. Let them suffer. They never had to from 1981-2002. That's a long time to never experience pain. And no, Joe Montana gettin' knocked the F out by Leonard Marshall in the 1990 NFC Championship game like he played on "Friday" doesn't count as pain. LOSING is pain. And you learn a lot more about yourself in losses than victories. So LEARN, 49er fan!

Seattle Seahawks.
Interesting bunch. They've never won. They've had decent teams. They've had horrible teams. They've been to the Super Bowl. They are loyal. But they are regional. Couple that with the fact they were rarely on national televised games, and you halfway wonder what a Seattle fan is like. Do they drink Starbuck's at the game? Do they instinctively pack a parka, umbrella and galoshes by Osh Kosh B'Gosh for every game? They ought to send that bald guy from National Geographic to investigate Nils the Seahawk fan to get the pulse of the Hawk Nation. We hardly know ye.


Next time (school schedule permitting) I'll be doing an NBA fandom characterization -- along with 2009 NFL Week 4 Bettor's Guide

Dealing With The Control Freak In Your Life

Dealing With The Control Freak In Your Life
Dr. David B. Hawkins
The Relationship Doctor


Editor's Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family? Dr. David will address questions from Crosswalk readers in his weekly column. Submit your question to him at: TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.


You know them by the way they hem you in, making demands upon you. They have a “right” way of doing things and you better do it the way they say is “right” or else you face their criticism, shame and even disrespect.

Even while they judge you, they condemn judgmentalism. Even as they demand you play by their rules, they don’t want to play by any rules but their own. If you resist their demands, they insist you’re controlling, though deny they have issues with control.

Such is their high level of denial and seeming inability to look critically at themselves. Such is the narrow and restricted world of the Control Freak—a term used, perhaps pejoratively, about those who want to micro-manage our lives.

We’ve been talking for several weeks about CrazyMakers, and from the response I’m getting, many of you have one or more in your family, workplace, and even marriage. You have someone who makes you feel crazy, creating chaos in their path. We walk away from an encounter with an Egotist, Aggressor, Borderline, Sufferer and now Control Freak feeling tired, confused and angry. We wonder, “Is it me, or is it them? What just happened here?” as our emotions spin with frustration.

The Control Freak, the last of five Crazymakers we’re exploring, anxiously tries to hold onto the black and white world they have created. Often frustrated because people are not living up to their expectations, they hook us by trying to convince us their way is the only way to do things. Their narrow, rigid, dogmatic point of view can be the only way to see things, and if your point of view doesn’t match with theirs, you’re in trouble.

A recent email illustrates the problem:

Dear Dr. David. I’ve been following your series on Crazymakers, but you haven’t talked about the one that tries to control everything you do. My boyfriend, who actually seems to fit several groups, fits that category. He is manipulative, angry and very controlling.

My problem is that he tries to tell me how to live my life, all the way from telling me how to dress, how to interact with my parents, what kind of job to get and most definitely, how to treat him. Whenever I resist his directions, he calls me “spoiled” or “childish.” When I push back harder, he tells me I’m controlling, which is the word that describes him.

I have tried, time and again, to point out to him what he is doing. He never gets it. I keep looking for new ways to explain to him what he’s doing. Nothing seems to work. I’m wondering if you have any tips on how I can get him to back off, recognize all that I do for him, and help him see that he pushes people away by being so demanding. Please help.

I do have several suggestions for you and those struggling to gain independence from the Control Freak. Actually, these strategies are equally effective with the rest of our cast of Crazymaking characters.

First, we must come alive and pay attention to what the Control Freak is doing. They aren’t aware of what they’re doing, and much of the time we’re not aware of what they’re doing either. In fact, we’re often not aware of how we’re stuck in a disastrous pattern of reacting to the Control Freak. The Control Freak expects allegiance, and those of us with a tendency to please get caught in the trap of trying to keep them happy. Notice how these strategies don’t work.

Second, break their spell. Controlling people can be very convincing, enticing you to go along with their game plan and then resenting them. Notice their tactics, their anxious dogmatism. Then, instead of debating and defending your position, simply look at them and say “What?” This simple question allows you to step back, for a moment, and ask what exactly they are trying to say. It gives you a moment to ask if you really buy what they’re selling.

Third, think for yourself. After breaking their spell, you begin the process of thinking for yourself. You question the bill of goods they are so desperately trying to sell you. Simply say, “I don’t agree with you,” and notice the difference this step makes.

Fourth, don’t debate. Don’t ever debate, defend or explain yourself. Don’t get hooked in that trap. Don’t try to talk them out of their position—it won’t work. Don’t try to make them accept your position—that will not work either. Allow it to be okay to simply see things differently.

Fifth, do ask for validation. After learning to disagree and discovering that you can survive, ask for validation of your point of view. Ask them to state your point of view before launching ahead with their position. Understand that they may not get it, but it’s worth a try.

Sixth, talk about their anxiety. For example, if they are anxious about you traveling for work, ask them if they are anxious about your faithfulness. If they are anxious about money, talk about money in terms of anxiety. Empathize with their anxiety rather than trying to talk them out of their feelings.

Finally, set healthy boundaries. Learning to set healthy boundaries is a great way of flinging back the Control Freaks’ hook. Let them know you will listen to their concerns and will even validate them. However, you won’t march in lockstep to their demands. You will be practicing stating your preferences and are happy to hear their preferences. Find small ways to make it clear that you are a separate individual.

Whether you feel paralyzed by an Aggressor, exhausted with a Sufferer, or feeling hemmed in by a Control Freak, you have a job to do. You must extract yourself from their grasp. You must decide what impact your particular Crazymaker is having on you, learn how you become hooked, and then fling the hook—again and again—respectfully! Don’t allow yourself to be victimized, becoming resentful and angry. We are not to be in bondage to anyone. Remind yourself of the words of Jesus:

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.” (Luke 4: 18)

Please share your story with us. How have you found freedom from a CrazyMaker? What has worked and what hasn’t?




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David Hawkins, Ph.D., is the founder of the Marriage Recovery Center. He has worked with couples and families to improve the quality of their lives by resolving personal issues for the last 30 years. He is the author of over 18 books, including Love Lost: Living Beyond a Broken Marriage, Saying It So He'll Listen, and When Pleasing Others Is Hurting You. His newest books are titled The Relationship Doctor's Prescription for Healing a Hurting Relationship and The Relationship Doctor's Prescription for Living Beyond Guilt. Dr. Hawkins grew up in the beautiful Pacific Northwest and lives with his wife on the South Puget Sound where he enjoys sailing, biking, and skiing. He has active practices in two Washington cities.

He Said-She Said: An Acceptable Age Difference In Dating Relationships

He Said-She Said: An Acceptable Age Difference In Dating Relationships
By Cliff Young & Laura MacCorkle
Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer & Senior Editor

EDITOR’S NOTE: Each He Said-She Said column features a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you’ve got a question about anything related to singleness, please CLICK HERE to submit (selected questions will be posted anonymously).

QUESTION: Should a woman in her late twenties pursue a godly relationship with a man in his early twenties? Is there an acceptable age difference?

HE SAID: In a way, this is like asking “How much money do I need to retire?” Many thoughts, besides age, should be considered in answering such a question.

Age alone is not a determining factor of the compatibility of two people. The emotional, mental, and spiritual maturity of each individual is much more important. In general, males mature at a later age than females. (This is probably the excuse many older men use in order to “chase” younger women.) Although you may think your circumstance is different, take the time to observe a person over time and in different situations. First impressions can be misleading.

Along the same line, does a man in his early twenties have his priorities, focus, and career in order? Many guys at that age think they do—I did. However, at this stage, a man is just beginning to experience life, he’s starting to see what is in the world, and he’s finding out who he is and what he wants to do.

Spirituality plays the greatest role in a godly relationship.

Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart (2 Timothy 2:22).

Is the man pursuing righteousness and ready to be the spiritual leader in a relationship? Is he ready to sacrifice some of his freedom, time and desires in order to reciprocate in a relationship? Will this relationship bring you both closer to God?

Just for fun, I Googled “woman pursue a man” and received over 17 million results! This seems to be a popular question.

What is your definition of “pursue”?

Does it mean letting him know that you are available?
Does it mean walking up to him to initiate communication?
Does it mean acknowledging you have interest in him?
If this is true for you, then there is nothing wrong in letting someone know you are unattached and interested. In this busy world we live in, sometimes we (I’m speaking for some guys, including myself) miss signals that are right in front of us. I would be flattered to know someone is interested in me and had the forthright to initiate contact.

However, if your definition of “pursue” is this:

Does it mean tracking down his phone number and calling him?
Does it mean asking him out on a date? Or dates?
Does it eventually mean asking him to marry you?
Then, I would caution you.

If the man knows you are available and interested in him, but isn’t pursuing, this is an indication of how he feels.

Maybe he thinks the age difference is insurmountable or something he isn’t ready for.
Maybe he isn’t interested at all.
Maybe he isn’t ready for a relationship.
Maybe he doesn’t have the guts to ask you out (not a good sign).
Most men want to be the “hunter.” It is in our blood to see something we desire and to go out and get it (Ok, conquer it … I said it). When pursued, the flattery that was felt earlier quickly changes to questions of:

“Why is she asking me out?
Is she desperate?
Is there something wrong with her?
Does she feel as if time is running out for her?”
As a long-time single, my hope for a mate is in God’s hands. He has shown me through His continual faithfulness that He knows what is best for me. Although I have experienced some disappointments along the way, I have been protected from relationships that were not right for me; I just see it as God’s grace. Several Scripture passages have helped me often throughout the years.

He that finds a wife finds a good thing (Proverbs 18:22).

With God’s help, I will be the one who finds a wife (not the other way around) and when I do, it will be amazing!

Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is worth more than precious rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She will not hinder him, but help him all her life (Proverbs 31:10-12).

Wow! I want to look for and find this kind of wife. Why wouldn’t I want to wait for the right one?!

There are verses in the Bible where women take the lead, but they are not the type of women I would want to be with.

He was walking down the street near the corner on the road leading to her house. … Then the woman approached him … So I have come out to meet you; I have been looking for you and have found you (Proverbs 7:8, 10, 15).

I empathize with you. I really do. What I have found to be true in my life is that God’s plan and design never feels contrived or forced. If you have to ask if there is an “appropriate age difference,” then I believe you already know the answer in your heart.


SHE SAID: I’ll have to start out my answer on a personal note, since I know a thing or two about age differences when it comes to relationships.

I’ve had dating relationships where there have been significant gaps in age and ones where there have been differences of only a few years or less. Some men have been older than me, while others have been younger. I guess you could say I’m an “equal-opportunity dater.” Well, as long as no gold medallion necklaces, pointy boots or mountain-man beards are involved (sorry!).

In hindsight, the closer in age I have been to those I’ve dated then the easier the relationships have seemed to go. Surely, there were other factors involved to determine the success and duration of each relationship (faith, maturity, interests, values, goals, etc.). But I think that a significant age difference can also make or break a relationship.

As believers, we don’t really find a clear answer for your question in Scripture. Thus far, I’ve only found references to relationships or marriages where the man is older than the woman. And to my knowledge, I don’t think that there are any biblical examples of older women in dating or marital relationships with younger men. So I am left with the world around me (and perhaps a little common sense and hopefully some divine inspiration) from which to draw.

I suppose a significant age difference in a relationship (with the woman being older than the man) is more culturally acceptable these days, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good thing. You would have to investigate on a relationship-by-relationship basis to see what works for some and what doesn’t work for others.

The more I think about this, though, I’m drawing the conclusion that an age difference is more of a “red light” factor when two people are younger. If one partner is 20 and the other is 28 or 29, that can be a problem. Considering how men and women mature at different rates, will a 20-year-old man be able to lead in a relationship with a woman who is pushing 30?

Another consideration is upbringing. Some are taught to be responsible, while others are coddled. So it’s likely you could have a very mature 20-year-old man who was raised to lead and do his part. Or you could have the opposite: A 20-year-old man who has more of a “victim’s mentality”—meaning his problems are always identified as the fault of others and no personal responsibility is taken whatsoever. In this type of individual, you’ll usually find someone who is floundering (and maybe always will be). If you date or marry him, you will likely end up being his mother.

So, where am I leading with all of this? Well, assuming that there are about seven to nine years between you and the young man in question, I am saying that you have a lot to evaluate before going forward (assuming he is the one who will be pursuing you).

If you have considered the compatibility of your maturity levels and if you have been able to observe this young man in various scenarios and you are at peace with what you’ve experienced, then I would proceed with caution. Remain friends until you feel certain that he is mature enough to lead a woman such as yourself in a godly relationship. And then, perhaps, proceed to dating.

But before you do, spend some time chewing on this …

What do your friends and family think? Are they sources of accountability and do you seek their counsel?
Do you think that this young man is mature enough to lead a late twenty-something woman in a godly relationship? And beyond that, in marriage?
Have you observed this young man enough to witness his speech, his actions and how he treats others?
Who are his friends and how do they treat one another? Are they people you would want to spend time with, too?
Is he a man of his word? Does he have a good reputation? Has he made a life for himself and have something to show for it?
Does he hold leadership positions either at work, in the community or at church?
If he is just starting out in his career or finishing up school and you are already established in your career, will this be a source of tension when it comes to respect? And submission?
Should you decide to marry and if you are ready to begin a family, will he be ready to have children as soon as you are?
Does this young man respect the elders in his life (family, supervisors at work, church leaders, authority in general)?
What is his relationship like with his mother? Does he honor her and treat her with kindness? Is his relationship with his father healthy?
Is this young man a respected leader in his family? Does he contribute to “the drama” or does he help to bring resolution to critical family situations?
These are good starter questions to get you thinking about various issues. An age difference doesn’t have to be a deal breaker, but it can certainly contribute to a relationship not being successful.

You will have to determine if this is the path down which the Lord is leading you. Or if this is a path down which you are taking yourself. There may not be any cautionary red lights for you right now, but if there are then please don’t ignore them. And don’t try to force something into being that is not of the Lord.

He will show you (and give you confirmation through prayer, the godly counsel of family and friends, study in the Word) if this age difference is acceptable in his sight for you.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12:1-2).



HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.

SHE is … Laura MacCorkle, Crosswalk.com’s Senior Entertainment Editor. It is possible that she has never had the chicken pox, has definitely chowed down on some locust shells, has auditioned for a role in a Lou Diamond Phillips movie and once shook the hand of legendary Dallas Cowboys coach Tom Landry.

DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We’re just average folk who understand what it’s like to live the solo life in the 21st century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life’s questions, and it’s where we’ll go for guidance when responding to your questions.

GOT A QUESTION? If you’ve got a question about anything related to living the single life, PLEASE SUBMIT HERE (selected questions will be posted anonymously). While we are unable to answer every inquiry, we do hope that He Said-She Said will be an encouragement to you.

**This column first published on September 4, 2008.

Marrying Your 'Soul Mate': Does Such a Person Exist?

Marrying Your 'Soul Mate': Does Such a Person Exist?
By Edward M. Tauber & Jim Smoke
Authors, Finding the Right One After Divorce

A great marriage is not when the “perfect couple” come together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences. ~ Dave Meurer

Unfortunately, some people use very strange criteria in making their decision about who to marry. They have some limited set of characteristics in their heads that tell them when they’ve found Mr. or Ms. Right. How often have you heard someone say, “I’m getting married because I found my soul mate”?

He Knows My Inner Being

Never fully defined in any literature, the term “soul mate” is used by people as if we all clearly understood what is meant. We have asked a number of people to explain what a soul mate is. We never get the same answer. Nevertheless, it’s a popular buzzword. Some definitions of a soul mate is a person who…

has the same background as you.
thinks like you.
understands you.
knows you before even really knowing you.
knows you better than you know yourself.
you can talk with for hours even when you first meet.
has the same interests and hobbies as you.
has your best interests at heart.
Others say a soul mate…

sees into your inner being.
is like the missing half of you.
is a perfect match for you.
is your twin or counterpart.
is the one, true person for you.
immediately connects with you.
If you think there is only one person out there who is the right one for you, you are vulnerable to marry when you think you have found that person. There is much evidence that there are likely many people in the world who would make an acceptable mate for you. The risk of thinking otherwise is that when you believe you have found “the one,” you abandon all sensibility and are driven to marry that person. Some people believe in soul mates because of their divorce experience. It didn’t work with my ex because he was the “wrong one.” Now I will go and find the right one, who will be the opposite of my ex.

Since you believe there is such a thing as the one soul mate in the world for you, you have some preconceived notions in mind. Some people are searching for someone “just like me.” Others believe that someone is their soul mate if they have similar backgrounds, thoughts, or views. Still others believe they will intuitively know a soul mate by their connectedness to them. We’re not saying that having things in common isn’t important. Quite the contrary, it is very relevant in a successful marriage. The problem comes when you are on a mission to find an individual who has one or a few narrow set of similarities or characteristics, and you take it as a sign to marry.

Finding a soul mate is a great start, but people are multidimensional. You cannot judge a person as right for you because he or she has certain similarities or just seems tuned in to you. Now you need to spend considerable time learning all about other aspects, such as the differences between you, the habits and quirks he has, any shared values, dreams, goals, opinions, and so forth. Don’t fall into the trap of the “soul mate mentality” and think someone is right just based on initial impressions.

When He Said Soul Mate, I Knew…

Sheila was married for 17 years to an advertising executive who was never at home. Their marriage happened because she got pregnant during their dating phase, and they got married to legitimize their offspring. Sheila had three children by the age of 36. The lack of availability of her husband drove Sheila to have an affair with the husband of a friend. This relationship went on undetected for four years before Sheila finally decided she could not handle the strain any longer. At that point she asked for a divorce. Once divorced, the friend’s husband quickly backed out of their tryst. She was suddenly available and a threat to his current marriage.

Sheila did not date for more than a year. Then she began to go out with some men from the office. She expanded this to men friends recommended. This intensive dating went on for more than three years. At first, Sheila didn’t want to remarry, and she gave off that vibe. However, as time passed, she became more and more frustrated. She decided she needed to find her soul mate. When asked what such a man would be like, she answered by saying, “He will know me better than I know myself.” We heard nothing more from her until a friend said she met a man and got engaged.

Later, Sheila said Phil was the man she had been searching for. She knew he was “the one” when he opened the car door for her. He wasn’t like the others she had dated. She and Phil immediately hit it off when he told her he was looking for his soul mate. That triggered a discussion for hours. They were of one accord. Sheila did marry Phil, almost immediately. Problems began early because Phil was about to be laid off at work, something he failed to mention during courtship. This put an immediate strain on the marriage. Phil had to sell his home, and they had to move into a small apartment. The pressures eventually forced Sheila to realize that Phil was not her “soul mate,” and she filed for divorce.

Sheila let herself become a victim of the “soul mate mentality.” After intensively dating men with her attitude of “I’m not interested,” she suddenly got desperate and devised a simple formula for deciding when to get married. They would both be of one accord—meaning he would be looking for a soul mate, too. Phil fit the bill, and his gentlemanly courtship behavior was icing on the cake. No need to dig any further in learning more about him or determining if they were compatible in various areas. Being in tune with each other was enough.

We’re Just Alike

Andy and Joyce had led a hard life until they met. Andy married a girl in high school, divorced before 19, and dropped out of college at 20. He had one job after another. He never could earn enough money to even afford to take someone out on a date. He moved back home to live with his mother. This made things worse because his self-esteem dropped even further. His older sister and brother were both successful professionals, which was salt in his wound. From early childhood, Andy’s mother acted as if she thought Andy was a loser. He’d had poor grades in high school, a failed marriage, a failed college career, and a failing business career all before the age of 25. The more he failed at something, the more his mother reinforced that he was a loser. He acted out her script of a person who could do nothing right. It was a vicious cycle of negative feedback and failure.

Andy met Joyce when a mutual friend suggested they would have a lot in common. Sure enough, the friend was correct. Joyce had grown up in the same town, yet she and Andy had never met. When they began comparing notes, they found tremendous similarities. Joyce’s mother was a very controlling woman who judged Joyce and always found her lacking. No matter what Joyce did or accomplished, it was never good enough for her mother. As a result, Joyce had developed an overeating problem in her teen years. Whenever she tried to lose weight, some conflict would develop with her mother and cause a setback. Even when Joyce went away to college, her “failure in her head” mentality kept her from achieving what she knew she was capable of. Joyce had even tried marriage. In her sophomore year, she married a graduate student who left her after seven months. She attributed the marriage debacle to her eating disorder. She always blamed herself for whatever went wrong.

Andy and Joyce saw in each other some amazing similarities that they interpreted as signs that they were meant for each other. Their relationship seemed to help them, too, because instead of dragging each other down, they were mutually supportive. For the first time, they began to feel good about themselves. There were some red flags, however. Occasionally, if Joyce became depressed, Andy couldn’t handle it. They even separated one time because of this. Another problem was that Joyce was Catholic and Andy was Jewish. Joyce’s mother was totally opposed to the couple marrying. Also, Joyce wanted children, and Andy wasn’t sure. He’d had so much trouble as a child, he didn’t know if he could be a good father.

In spite of these issues, the couple believed that their similarities were the signal that they were right for each other. Joyce was happy to act in opposition to the wishes of her domineering mother. Andy and Joyce’s marriage lasted 11 years, but most of the final 6 were stress-filled. Joyce had again retreated to her illness of overeating, which caused tension in the marriage. Andy continued his struggle to hold a job for more than a year at a time. His out-of-work periods created great financial strain on the marriage. They were not the only ones to suffer from the marriage failure. They had a child who was constantly caught in the middle of the downward spiral of his parents. Some years after the divorce, Joyce committed suicide.

Andy and Joyce were a sad couple who identified with each other’s circumstances and mindsets. Two halves don’t make a whole, but they thought so. Andy was not ready to care for and support another wife. Joyce was still struggling with her overeating disease and was far from mentally healthy. They ignored all the red flags that were obvious to both of them. No doubt, they each believed no one else would have them, and so this was their one opportunity to remarry. When you find someone who has some similarities to you, it is not enough of a basis for a healthy marriage. Andy and Joyce confused similar backgrounds, conditions, and problems with shared interests, dreams, and goals. They had none of those.

His Children Caused Our Divorce

Belinda married a man when she was in her twenties, and it didn’t work out. He told her she was smarter than he was; she made him feel inferior. Belinda was smart, talented, and beautiful. For some men, that’s a threat.

By her mid-thirties, Belinda married again. This time she picked an older man, Frank, who was a senior executive at the company where she worked. He had also been married before and had three sons—two who were teenagers and the third of college age. Belinda had no children, and she had originally worried how well she might be accepted by Frank’s children. As it turned out, they seemed to love her and she blended in well with his family. All went fine until the couple began to squabble. In these instances, Frank would drag his sons into the fight, and they took sides with him. It got so bad that Belinda demanded that the three boys not be allowed in their home. The friction was aggravating an already deteriorating situation. This angered Frank and brought everything to a head. Eventually Frank and Belinda divorced. She told all her friends that she would never again marry a man with children. In fact, she felt so strongly about this that she would not even consider dating someone who was divorced with kids.

Mark had recently moved to town and joined the church where Belinda attended. Mark had never been married and was a little younger than Belinda. When she met him, she set her sights on him as the next “Mr. Belinda.” Nothing would get in her way. He was the perfect candidate. Never married, no children, and no baggage—she thought. They were married, and Belinda found out differently after the wedding. She had never asked if he had children and only found out when she accidentally opened an envelope from one of his past live-ins asking for child support money. Mark had (intentionally) failed to mention that he had lived with two women and had fathered a child with one. He had been too ashamed to tell her this during their short courtship.

Belinda “learned” from her first marriage that a man who has children is not a good husband. She, therefore, concluded that if she could find a man who has no children, she should seriously consider marrying him. This so-called “learning” came about from not allowing enough time to understand what really went wrong in her first marriage and, instead, blaming the presence of her husband’s children for the breakup.

The One-Dimensional Match

What do these stories have in common? They may seem very different, but they are all examples of having one dimension in mind as a trigger for concluding, “I have found the right one. I am ready to remarry.” Sheila was searching for the illusive soul mate. This thinking focused her on a limited dimension of a prospective spouse—someone whom she would immediately “recognize” as her soul mate. This kept her from examining all aspects of her relationship with Phil. How could she be aware of any negative factors with him after concluding from the start “he’s the one”? When you jump to a conclusion that fast, you are assuming all other aspects are irrelevant or will magically work out.

Andy and Joyce identified one important aspect in their lives that they had in common—others thought they were losers. They had become convinced themselves, and so immediately decided to huddle together against the world. Anyone who is feeling so incomplete and inadequate should not consider marriage in that condition. If you already feel like a failure, there is nothing worse than to jump into another marriage, get another divorce, and “prove” it to yourself all over again. You don’t have to have the intense mental problems Joyce had. The normal emotional stress of a divorce can place you in the same condition. This story is not a case of rescue. It’s a case of believing you should marry someone because he or she is in the same predicament you are. Misery loves company.

When you divorce, you immediately look for the culprit. With a lot of time passed, you will see things differently. You will learn what you contributed to your marriage failing. Time helps us see more clearly when the anger and grieving are past. If you don’t wait for that time to elapse before doing a post-mortem on the marriage, you are likely to conclude something very narrow like Belinda did: The divorce occurred because her husband had children. Armed with this “fact,” she set out to find a childless husband replacement.

The Perfect Person

We have heard many other versions of this story—where a divorced individual has a “perfect” person in mind. The ideal usually relates to one attribute—often the reverse of what the ex-spouse had. He doesn’t drink. She won’t be such a religious fanatic. He won’t travel in his job. She won’t have an ex-husband who lives in town. From these examples, you can write the story about what happened in the previous marriage. Is it wrong to be concerned about issues such as these, especially if they were a problem in your past marriage? No, of course not. The problem is one-dimensional searching: When you are so focused on one issue you tend to ignore other things. Because someone you date has or doesn’t have the characteristic you are looking for is no guarantee of success in marriage. You still have to do the hard work and allow the time to make sure he or she has other good qualities and not any horrible ones. You also have to be observant of the dynamics between you. How do you two interact in various circumstances? What does he do that causes conflict? How does she behave when under pressure? To gauge all of this takes time, an open mind, and an objective attitude. It sounds cold and calculating, but remember, divorce is painful and affects your entire family.

Sign of an Unhealed Divorce

Another reason that single-dimension searching is a problem is that it is a sign of an unhealed divorce. Think about it. Sheila sought a soul mate believing that was what was missing in her prior marriage. She was frantically dating. She was frustrated and desperate. Does this sound like a woman who has allowed time to pass and worked through her problems to become healthy and independent?

Then we have Andy and Joyce, two people who needed to get their own acts together before putting their problems on each other. They were each still struggling with low self-esteem from childhood, which was reinforced in their previous divorces. Andy was still living at home with mom. Joyce was unable to control overeating, a clue that she was not well.

Finally, Belinda had gone through two marriages and was still confused about what had happened. When you are still blaming someone else for the failure of your marriage, you need to remain in recovery and accept what you did and learn forgiveness. Belinda wasn’t close to accomplishing that. She was still playing the blame game.

If you are on a one-track search for Mr. or Ms. Right, you are not ready to remarry. Don’t get confused when you date that because someone has what you deem desirable similarities to you, this is enough of a basis for marrying.

Are You at Risk?

Searching for a soul mate can be dangerous. Are you at risk for this behavior? Do you…

have a “soul mate mentality”?
believe you will know the “right one” the minute you meet him or her?
search for your next spouse looking for one important trait—maybe the opposite of what your ex had?
think there is only one person in the world who is right for you, and you are on a mission to find him or her?
have a set of criteria for the ideal spouse or a simple formula for knowing who would be your soul mate?
Here are some tips to help you avoid trapping yourself in the soul mate myth.

Retrain your thinking. If you have a “soul mate mentality,” educate yourself about the risks. One way to do this is to read and reread the stories in this book of redivorced people who naively searched for their soul mates only to get burned because they refused to see or acknowledge any problems once they made up their minds.

Don’t shop for duplicates or opposites. Finding your mirror-image mate in background or experience is no assurance of a good match. Likewise, just because someone doesn’t have the ugly habits or traits of your ex (drinking, yelling, spending, controlling) doesn’t mean he will be right for you, either. List the problems of your past marriage(s) and make certain that these are not the only criteria you use to select a future spouse.

Don’t be unequally yoked. If you choose someone who has a major difference in belief systems from you, it is likely to become a problem after the “honeymoon phase” is over. When your most fundamental beliefs are at odds, you will eventually see divisions creep into the marriage that could lead to its downfall. Any disagreements or major differences in belief systems will certainly become more pronounced if and when children are part of your family.

Allow enough time dating. Quick decisions about a soul mate can be overcome if you date someone at least a few years before marrying. Be alert to problems and red flags.

Taken from: Finding the Right One After Divorce. Copyright © 2007 by Edward M. Tauber and Jim Smoke. Published by Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, OR. Used by permission.


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Edward M Tauber, a corporate researcher, industry consultant, and divorce counselor, received his Ph.D. from Cornell University. A former professor and department chairman at the University of Southern California, he's also been a senior executive and consultant with Fortune 500 companies.
Jim Smoke is an internationally known author, speaker, and life coach. A pioneer in the divorce recovery field, he has worked with singles and singles-again for more than 30 years. Jim has written 17 books, including his bestselling Growing Through Divorce (nearly 600,000 copies sold).

Washington Redskins vs. New York Giants - Week 1

Washington Redskins vs. New York Giants - Week 1
Thursday, September 4, 2007
Giants Stadium At The New Jersey Meadowlands
East Rutherford, New Jersey
7:00 pm

East Rutherford --

The Giants came out guns ablaze fresh off the Super Bowl XLII victory in Phoenix in February. NBC, famous for letting the suspense build for a sporting event (see: NBA on NBC, 1990-2002), got us riled up with footage of Michael Strahan and Super Bowl Hero David Tyree hoisting the trophy in midtown Manhattan the other day, and later, the trophy being escorted to East Rutherford. Then, Strahan got the crowd at Giants Stadium pumped with his "STOMP YOU OUT" speech.

Opening drive was sparkling. Eli Manning made a couple of great throws, Plaxico Burress, fresh off a new contract extension signed just before the game, was making acrobatic catches all night. Brandon Jacobs, who is always fired up, started the NFL season RIGHT by trucking Redskins' safety LaRon Landry. Jacobs, who goes 6'4" 265 lbs, is the biggest and most nimble running back the league has ever seen and does not fall with the slightest tap (you know who I am referring to). Landry is no slouch. He is going to be a stud in this league and came into the NFL with the reputation as a rangy hitter that can run sideline to sideline and make great plays. He's used to laying the lumber. This time, he got it laid to him and got knocked out, Debo style.

The first Giants' drive lead to a touchdown, but after that, suspect playcalling, lackadaisical throws by Eli Manning and a few adjustments by the Redskins' defense led to three field goals the rest of the night for the Giants' offense.

The biggest question would be how would Redskins' coach Jim Zorn fare with his West Coast Offense and QB Jason Campbell. The preseason was no fluke. The Redskins are BAD right now. They will get better as they adapt to the system, but they looked terrible for half the game. Of course, part of this was due to the Giants' defense, which despite missing Strahan and Osi Umenyiora, and playing a currently inept offense, were DOMINANT all night. It could have been Dallas or New England and the Giants' defense would have dominated. I, for one, believe the talking heads on ESPN and FOX Sports (most of whom hate the Giants anyway) have overstated the significance of Strahan's departure (which most Giants fans and the front office anticipated) and Umenyiora's injury (given that Justin Tuck is about to become a STUD defensive end that teams will have to scheme around all season). The Giants' defense will be fine. PERIOD.

The only question is: Can Eli continue what he did down the stretch in 2007? Will Toomer be bumped to the sideline in favor of Manningham or Hixon, now that he cannot get open anymore? Will Kiwanuka continue being as effective as he was in 2007 before his injury and last night? We will see. I had the Giants winning 12 before Umenyiora's injury. I still have them winning 10, possibly 11. There is no slippage.

Clinton Portis did well to get 84 yards, when there were hardly no holes in the offensive line to run through. He is a great back and I've always respected him. Mathias Kiwanuka does, too, now that he got chipped pretty good by Portis in the 2nd half. The Redskins have players. This was Week 1. Both teams are rusty. The Redskins are installing a new offense. Giants' defensive coordinator Steve Spagnuolo (or as Troy Aikman calls him, "Steve Spagnola") has been shuttling players in and out as he contours his defense to fit the personnel that remains after free agent defections, retirements and injuries. Despite all this, the next time these two teams meet -- expect more of the same. The Redskins will be better in all phases, but so will the Giants.

Week 2 -
New York Giants at St. Louis Rams
Edward Jones Dome
St. Louis, Missouri
1:00 PM

Men Are Intimidated By Women Who Have More Education/Make More Money...

Men Are Intimidated By Women Who Have More Education/Make More Money...

Right?

Well, let's examine that a little bit. I will use my own empirical research and the experiences of a few of my contemporaries to back up my suppositions.

Women have made strides to narrow the gap between themselves and men in the areas of education and wages. I, for one, while DEFINITELY not a feminist, am glad to see it happening. However, there has been a few downsides to this. One of them is the now classic "men are intimidated by..." rhetoric. Let's explore.

First of all, many (not even most, BUT STILL, many) men have fragile egos. The slightest blow, perceived or real, to that ego makes those type of men feel emasculated for some unknown reason. A woman who makes more money than he does -- whether it be for a short period while she's gettin' it in at a Fortune 500 and he's in school or working a lower-level job, or just a deadbeat (the ones who are truly intimidated 98% of the time) -- and he has to endure the ridicule of his buddies when it comes to their education and/or income gap.

Let me set the record straight. No self-respecting, SECURE man really gives a flip about whether she has more income and material possessions than he does. Heck, especially if he is doing something with himself and just not on her level (yet) why would it matter? Personally, given that I am pretty much a college lifer, until I cross the New York State Bar and begin practicing law, the woman I marry will be making more money than I will be for a while (unless, of course, my businesses jump off like I believe they will when I move back to New York). I definitely h ave no problem with it. No sense in both of us having to eke by on subsistence level, right? LOL

Anyway, I know a lot of guys who are in that situation. Not a one of them cares about it. Why? First of all, none of my dudes are insecure cats! (A couple of my friends are married to women who make more than they do and are further than they are educationally at the moment. Insecurity is weakness and is poison to a man's swag, so I don't associate with insecure dudes. PERIOD.) It's all a means to an end. If you have to go through it for 6 months or 6 years, you know she's with you for the right reasons, not to try and style on you and bring up the fact every time there is a disagreement.

However, the real reason I was motivated to blog about this phenomenon is that the statement itself is just blither and hogwash from women who have serious issues with arrogance, overinflated sense of self-worth and placing too much emphasis on material things and temporal pursuits as a defining measure for their lives.

I actually was part of a forum and a panel discussion was centered around issues that single people have in life. This one chick who is notorious for being a label you-know-what and always needing to have the "best" (i.e. most expensive of everything) stood up and made this statement. To my surprise (although the panel was bereft of non-feminine guys outside of myself, the pastor who was leading it and a few other guys) I heard more women sucking their teeth and giving the "oh no she did-en" tone. It's one thing when you run into a guy or two who really has issues with chauvinism, and therefore has a problem with women being educated and making more money than him.

I love educated women. I am a super nerd and can talk intelligbly about almost anything. Those of you who really know me know this and sometimes shake your head in amazement or mock me for my broad vernacular and knowledge of seemingly obscure details. But this particular panel really stuck out in my mind (it was in 2005) and everytime I hear the statement being uttered, or I read it somewhere, I think of that panel. Now everyone who knows this chick knows she's full of herself, and most of the women who utter the phrase are just like her. Could it be THAT itself -- that self-centered/me-first attitude is what makes those guys uncomfortable and not whether you have a little more change or a degree or two more than he does? Worth thinking about.

The ironic thing is, those self same women, if given a chance to get with a man of worthy character and HAPPENS to not match the Ph.D. or JD that she has on her mantle or has one less "0" on his annual salary -- those women will pass up on the guy, thinking she'll have to "take care of him" and voicing their sincere opposition to the idea. The guy could be busting his hump working 70 hours a week and taking online courses (I know three guys like that personally), but she thinks it's all about her income vs. his. It's balderdash. This is one of the reasons I refuse to listen to 90% of women who are close to 30 when they start whining about there supposedly being a dearth of good, available men. I used to ask them a battery of questions regarding how they used to play games with guys' emotions in high school and college, or how they passed up on guys solely based upon his income, or how they were just doing the things that most young women do (you reap what you sow, no need to pity someone who is reaping what they have sown).

I could go on and on about this, but I've made my point. Realize a good thing when you have it, only 3-5 great ones come along in life -- passing up on one based upon a few material possessions that you may have and he might not (and it can easily change the next day) is not a good look. It's going to be 2009 soon, and it's BEEN time out for such bunk...