But It's Not My Fault!
By Valorie Burton
Author & Life Coach
The Lesson God Offers When Someone (or Something) Else Is to Blame
"A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense."
—Proverbs 19:11
Have you ever found yourself in a situation in which someone else created a problem and you are left to fix it? It can be extremely frustrating. Often it leads to a cycle of blaming and complaining. This week, I feel led to share a few words of inspiration for those areas of your life in which you feel like a victim of your circumstances.
You can be absolutely right—perhaps someone else is to blame, but blaming doesn't get you any closer to fixing a problem or overcoming a challenge. I have found that you can get to the other side of your challenge a lot more quickly if you change your focus:
Let go of blame and grudges, and forge ahead to do what you must do to resolve it.
We cannot control everything that happens to us, but we can control how we respond to it. One of the most important aspects of spiritual growth is shifting your focus to a solution rather than focusing on who is to blame.
When you blame others, you are essentially saying, "Other people determine my destiny. Others determine my happiness, my goals and my future." Whatever happens in your life, taking responsibility for it empowers you to learn and do better in the future.
Sometimes, as hard as it is to admit, others are not the only ones to blame. It is freeing to admit our own culpability in the problems we face. It's OK to be wrong or make a mistake sometimes. As humans, it's part of who we are—imperfect. Mistakes are often the best way to learn. Instead of trying to cover up or pretend that a mistake didn't happen or wasn't your fault, why not ask, "What could I do differently next time?"
When I wanted to write a book nine years ago, but never got around to it, I always blamed my business and a lack of time. But you know what? Blaming my schedule was useless. It didn't get the book written. Instead, it justified me not writing it. It wasn't until I got tired of blaming my schedule that I finally put pen to paper and wrote.
Be honest with yourself. Are you blaming someone or something for circumstances you don't like in your life? Do you find yourself blaming your employer for financial challenges because they don't pay you enough? Do you blame your family for problems? Do you blame the world for not opening doors of opportunity? Whether someone else is to blame for our circumstances or not, we don't move any closer to our goals by blaming and complaining. In fact, life is often waiting on us to simply accept responsibility, learn the lessons and exercise faith that God can help us change the circumstances. Perhaps that's the lesson He is offering you today: It doesn't really matter how you got to this point—whether in your finances, a relationship, your health or your work. What really matters is that you learned what you were meant to learn and that you persevere the next level on your journey.
My Challenge to You This Week:
Refuse to play the blame game. When you feel tempted to blame someone else, stop yourself and ask, "What responsibility do I have in this situation?" "What action would empower me to take control of the situation rather than being left feeling like a victim of circumstances?"
Journaling Assignment:
In what area of my life do I most need to accept responsibility and shift my focus to resolving an issue? How? What can I do differently?
Taken from Rich Minds, Rich Rewards E-Newsletter. Written and distributed by Inspire, Inc. © 2008 Valorie Burton. All rights reserved. Used with permission. www.valorieburton.com.
Valorie Burton, a life coach and speaker, is the author of Listen to Your Life, Rich Minds, Rich Rewards, What's Really Holding You Back?, Why Not You? and her latest, How Did I Get So Busy?
As politically incorrect as I wanna be.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Treasure The Gift
Treasure The Gift
When The Desires Come
By Kim Potter
I want to talk with you today about treasuring the gift God gives you. To you, that gift may be a husband or wife. It may be a child. It may be a new car. It may be a home or it may be finances, whatever that gift is - treasure it.
I heard a statement this morning that said 'God would be an unjust God if He gave us desires and didn't bring them to pass.' That is a true statement.
My little Bryson loves chocolate, if I were to sit a bowl of Hershey's mini bars out and forbid him to touch them - that would be cruel and unjust. It would be placing something he loves and has a desire for right in his face without allowing him to enjoy it. Our God is not like that. If He has give you a desire, He will bring it to pass.
That being said, all desires are not from God and only you and God know if the desire is from God. Generally you can find out if you have a godly desire by reading the word of God - if it lines up with the word it is generally a godly desire.
If you question if it is a godly desire, simply ask God to remove all desires from you that are not of Him. He will do it. I know, I have prayed that prayer. There were things in my life I thought I had to have - but as I continually ask God to remove all desires that are not from Him, some fell away.
BUT - if the desire is from God - it will be seen, it will come to pass, no doubt about it. For God is not an unjust God and if He has placed that desire in your heart - it will be seen in your life.
Now, when that desire is seen, treasure it. If you are praying for a new car, when that car comes, keep it clean - take good care of it. Always allow it to be a good representation of Gods gifts and blessings.
If you are praying for your marriage to be restored - begin now to treat that person as a treasure from God. Be patient and kind with them. Always lift them up by speaking well of them. Never speak down to them and never speak negative about them to others. Treasure them in public, for all to see. Show God that you treasure the gift He has given you.
Did you ask God for a child? If so, and you have a child, treasure that child. Never call that child stupid or make demeaning statements to them - they are a treasure from God - treat them as such.
If you ask God for a business - treasure that business. Work hard at its growth - be diligent each day. Treat customers the way God would have you treat them. Be honest - work with integrity - treasure the gift God has given you.
Did you ask for seed to sow? When God gives that money - sow the seed - don't go shopping and buy you some new shoes - sow the seed. Do with that gift what you purposed to do.
Or if you ask God for money to pay a bill - when the money comes, pay the bill - don't pay half of it and spend the rest - treasure the gift by doing what you said you would do.
God gives desires - God brings them to pass - then it is up to us what we do with them. If we treasure them, take good care of them - more desires will come and more treasures will come. If we don't - He will not send any more.
I always tell my daughter, if you want a new house, God requires you to take care of the one you have before He will consider giving you a better house. Or a car, some people pray for a new car or for their car payment, but they won't even keep the car they have clean. You may think that doesn't matter - but it does. Think about it.
If you give your child a new toy and he stomped on it and broke it - would you buy him another? No. Not until he learned to respect the things you gave him - then and only then would you continue to bless him.
So it is with us.
God has given you desires, you will see those desires come to pass - when you do, treasure them. If you want to keep the river of God flowing in your life - appreciate and respect and care for what He has already given you - it is a key to more desires coming to fruition in your life.
Whatever gifts you have been given - treasure them and He will bring more - it's up to you to keep that river of blessing flowing - and it's easy - just treasure the gifts.
When The Desires Come
By Kim Potter
I want to talk with you today about treasuring the gift God gives you. To you, that gift may be a husband or wife. It may be a child. It may be a new car. It may be a home or it may be finances, whatever that gift is - treasure it.
I heard a statement this morning that said 'God would be an unjust God if He gave us desires and didn't bring them to pass.' That is a true statement.
My little Bryson loves chocolate, if I were to sit a bowl of Hershey's mini bars out and forbid him to touch them - that would be cruel and unjust. It would be placing something he loves and has a desire for right in his face without allowing him to enjoy it. Our God is not like that. If He has give you a desire, He will bring it to pass.
That being said, all desires are not from God and only you and God know if the desire is from God. Generally you can find out if you have a godly desire by reading the word of God - if it lines up with the word it is generally a godly desire.
If you question if it is a godly desire, simply ask God to remove all desires from you that are not of Him. He will do it. I know, I have prayed that prayer. There were things in my life I thought I had to have - but as I continually ask God to remove all desires that are not from Him, some fell away.
BUT - if the desire is from God - it will be seen, it will come to pass, no doubt about it. For God is not an unjust God and if He has placed that desire in your heart - it will be seen in your life.
Now, when that desire is seen, treasure it. If you are praying for a new car, when that car comes, keep it clean - take good care of it. Always allow it to be a good representation of Gods gifts and blessings.
If you are praying for your marriage to be restored - begin now to treat that person as a treasure from God. Be patient and kind with them. Always lift them up by speaking well of them. Never speak down to them and never speak negative about them to others. Treasure them in public, for all to see. Show God that you treasure the gift He has given you.
Did you ask God for a child? If so, and you have a child, treasure that child. Never call that child stupid or make demeaning statements to them - they are a treasure from God - treat them as such.
If you ask God for a business - treasure that business. Work hard at its growth - be diligent each day. Treat customers the way God would have you treat them. Be honest - work with integrity - treasure the gift God has given you.
Did you ask for seed to sow? When God gives that money - sow the seed - don't go shopping and buy you some new shoes - sow the seed. Do with that gift what you purposed to do.
Or if you ask God for money to pay a bill - when the money comes, pay the bill - don't pay half of it and spend the rest - treasure the gift by doing what you said you would do.
God gives desires - God brings them to pass - then it is up to us what we do with them. If we treasure them, take good care of them - more desires will come and more treasures will come. If we don't - He will not send any more.
I always tell my daughter, if you want a new house, God requires you to take care of the one you have before He will consider giving you a better house. Or a car, some people pray for a new car or for their car payment, but they won't even keep the car they have clean. You may think that doesn't matter - but it does. Think about it.
If you give your child a new toy and he stomped on it and broke it - would you buy him another? No. Not until he learned to respect the things you gave him - then and only then would you continue to bless him.
So it is with us.
God has given you desires, you will see those desires come to pass - when you do, treasure them. If you want to keep the river of God flowing in your life - appreciate and respect and care for what He has already given you - it is a key to more desires coming to fruition in your life.
Whatever gifts you have been given - treasure them and He will bring more - it's up to you to keep that river of blessing flowing - and it's easy - just treasure the gifts.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
NFL Week 2 Picks
NFL Week 2 Picks
By Michael D. Wright
Green Bay vs. Detroit. I am going to buck the system (even though I have Aaron Rodgers on my fantasy squad) and pick Detroit in this one. The Lions looked AWFUL in Week 1 losing to a rookie QB and a pitiful/depleted Atlanta Falcons team. The Falcons not only won, they won going away. That's ridiculous. Having said that, I still think the Lions' offense will bother Green Bay. If Tavaris Jackson had played semi-consistent on Monday Night Football in Week 1, the Minnesota Vikings would have beaten Green Bay. Besides, think about what the Lions have: Kitna, who is solid, if not unspectacular; Rudi Johnson, who was waived by Cincinnati right before the season -- now with something to prove at age 28; Calvin Johnson and Roy Williams at WR and a defense that isn't as bad as it looked vs. Atlanta. I do not believe Green Bay will do it with smoke and mirrors as they did last year (check my prospectus for this season in my earlier blog). They weren't a real 13-3 team last year and they won't win more than 9 this year.
Call:
Green Bay 28
Detroit 38
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Oakland vs. Kansas City. Two bad teams here. I will call this a pick 'em by default on the strength of that fact. Both teams have unproven QBs. Both teams have very good RBs who can't find space because defenses don't play their QBs and the passing game honest; leading to 8 and sometimes 9 guys in the box. Simply put, any numbers that Oakland RB Justin Fargas and Kansas City RB Larry Johnson put up this season are to be admired. I bet no one can name more than one of either team's WRs. I'll wait...
Both defenses are bad, too. Oakland's defense gave up almost 450 yards in offense last week. Still won't be alot of scoring.
Call:
Oakland 17
Kansas City 13
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New York (Football) Giants vs. St. Louis Rams. The Rams are the worst team in the NFL. The Giants are the best team in the NFL (until someone beats them, being the Super Bowl Champs and what not...) Even still, the Giants are the second best team in the NFC and third best overall behind Dallas and San Diego. Unless Eli's near-INTs turn into real INTs and the Giant defense all of a sudden forgets how to tee off on Rams' QB Marc Bulger, in the words of JR Writer "this could get nasty and hazardous" really quick. If an average Philadelphia Eagles team can beat the Rams 38-3, that sort of gives you an idea of what may happen. Stranger things have happened and these ARE the Giants. No such thing as a "game they're supposed to win" (Giants fans know this). Stay tuned. If Bob Papa and Carl Banks are arguing on The Fan (WFAN 660 NY) you'll know why.
Call:
NY Giants 42
St. Louis 10
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Indianapolis vs. Minnesota. The Colts looked scary in Week 1 -- and not in a good way. Rust on the part of Peyton Manning was to be expected, since he had not played in a game since losing to the Chargers in the AFC Divisional Playoff. I don't care how good you are, you are going to be rusty. Add to that the Colts are missing C Jeff Saturday, their offensive line is looking weak, and their defensive look like timid matadors again. With Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor coming to town, you could see some records fall. But who knows? The Colts may have had a great week of practice and could hit on all cylinders. The Viking defense is not a turnstile by any stretch with DTs Kevin and Pat Williams. Their secondary could get eaten alive by Peyton Manning if DE Jared Allen can't beat LT Tony Ugoh to get to Manning. Joseph Addai may have trouble finding running room in the middle in this game, although. Expect to see something you did not see at all in the Bears game -- THE VAUNTED "STRETCH PLAY" which the Colts run better than anyone. If they are able to get to the outside, Addai could break a few decent runs. This game will be close.
Call:
Indianapolis 27
Minnesota 23
---
Tennessee vs. Cincinnati. The Bengals look like crap. But the Titans, while beating Jacksonville in Week 1, aren't all that impressive. Given that they have a quitter of a starting quarterback, you have to wonder how far they can go with Kerry Collins playing starter minutes. Collins is one of those guys who has the Rob Johnson Effect: plays well in spot duty, makes a few dazzling plays, lures you into thinking he is a starter in the NFL, then as soon as you make him the starter, he kills you with fumbles, INTs and bad throws/lack of mobility. If I sound like a bitter Giants fan who believes the Giants should have and could have beaten the Ravens in 2000 with a semi-mobile QB, then as Redman used to say "I'll Bee Dat". The Bengals defense is atrocious. They even cut their "best" cornerback, as if they have a surplus back there. Marvin Lewis might get fired after this game if they lose. He might quit Jim Mora style if they win. Couple that with ZERO running game and Carson Palmer regressing with each passing game, you have to wonder if the Bengals will win 6 games this year. Chad Ocho Cinco might indeed renew those trade demands before the trade deadline arrives this year. Stay tuned.
As for this game, it's going to be a snoozer. Watch it turn out to be the game they give us tomorrow on CBS at 1 pm. I feel it in my bones.
Call:
Tennessee 13
Cincinnati 11 (botched 2 pt conversion attempt, resulting in Ocho Cinco cursing Palmer out for passing it to Chris Henry instead of his way).
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New Orleans vs. Washington. Not sure what you know about these teams after one game. You have to give the Redskins a bit of a learning curve. This is Jason Campbell's 1,471st new offense, and given that it is the West Coast offense, there's already a built-in learning curve. They will be horrid for the first part of this season, and finally click when it is too late to make the playoffs. Having said that, they will get torched by a potent Saints offense that put up well over 400 yards of offense last week. Although the Saints will be without Marques Colston, they still have TE Jeremy Shockey, WR Devery Henderson and RB Reggie Bush. Bush had a great game last week and the Redskins have no one in the front seven who can do a thing with him. If pulling FS LaRon Landry into the box to slow him down is their only shot, they will get beat deep several times in this game (Landry is their most rangy defensive player). Things do not bode well for the 'skins in this game.
Call:
New Orleans 41
Washington 24
---
Chicago vs. Carolina. People think the Bears are good now. Whatever. The Colts defense isn't great and looked like a turnstile at the 125th Street station in Spanish Harlem on a hot day last week. Please. The Panthers are LEGIT. They have a running game again. QB Jake Delhomme looks good. They got rid of some dead weight old guys on defense in DE Mike Rucker (retirement) and DT Kris Jenkins (overweight/free agent). Their secondary is healthy again. Carolina will still be without Steve Smith, but Muhsin Muhammad is 10 times better than any WR the Bears have (or have had in the past 15 years, including Muhammad himself, who died in Chicago and came back to life in Charlotte). I would call a blowout here, but the Bears defense is no joke. The score won't indicate the closeness of the game, though. The Panthers will just make a few more plays than the Bears, but the Bears will be in it throughout.
Call:
Chicago 14
Carolina 24
---
Buffalo vs. Jacksonville. Everyone knows I do not hold Jacksonville in high regard. Added to that fact is they let DT Marcus Stroud go in free agency... to BUFFALO. They will pay for that in this game. Buffalo's offense is sneaky good, and their defense will get after Jaguars' QB David Garrard. The Jaguars have a running game, but it will sputter in this game. I have always thought Jacksonville's defense was overrated. They don't make big plays (except for CB Rashean Mathis' INTs). They are nothing if not consistent. However, that does not make them great. They could not run the ball vs. the Titans; Fred Taylor looked old and Jones-Drew looked slow. Buffalo's defense is up there with Titans' which was Top 3 last year. Long day for Dave Garrard.
Call:
Buffalo 28
Jacksonville 13
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San Francisco vs. Seattle. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ... but for the sake of argument, the Seahawks should have an easy time with this one. The 49ers checked out of the NFL when they let WR Terrell Owens leave via free agency following the 2003 season. They are irrelevant. The Seahawks got pwned last week, so they will take it out on SF.
Call:
San Francisco 6
Seattle 34
---
Atlanta vs. Tampa Bay. Hmmmm. The Falcons looked like a football team again in Week 1. However, that was against the Lions. You don't know how much that was the Falcons or the Lions being bad. Tampa is a lot like Jacksonville. However, Jon Gruden doesn't know who his QB is from week to week. They don't look good running the ball and their defense is aging with each passing game (although they dipped into the Fountain of Youth on the other coast before Week 1). I'll call this a pick 'em, but if Michael "The Burner" Turner puts up even half the numbers he put up in Week 1, the Falcons will have a chance. I think he will do it.
Call:
Atlanta 34
Tampa Bay 31
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New England vs. New York (Football) Jets. Mmmmmmmm... this one is delicious. Not. I don't buy into the hype. They like to sensationalize this "rivalry" because this is effectively more Boston (jealousy/inferiority complex/hatred) vs. New York (superior/confident). If only the latter referred to the Giants instead of the Jets, since it doesn't apply to the Jets. The Jets will be a sleeper, mostly because they aren't really good at all on paper -- but they make timely plays. They aren't going to blow anyone out, meaning they will be in a lot of games where it will come down to the last series of the game. Indeed, they had one in Week 1. This will be another one of those games. As far as Tom Brady goes... YAK.
Call:
New England 21
NY Jets 23
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Miami vs. Arizona. The Dolphins showed signs of life in Week 1. They aren't good, though. They have no real playmakers on either side of the ball. The Cardinals have quite a few playmakers in WRs Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald, RB Edgerrin James, CB Antrel Rolle and SS Adrian Wilson (FROM?!?!?! High Point, NC). I think this will be a blowout, unless Kurt Warner has one of Those Games. The Cardinals' defense is FOR REAL.
Call:
Miami 6
Arizona 37
---
San Diego (Super) Chargers vs. Denver. The Broncos lured a lot of people in with their "win" vs. Oakland in Week 1. Don't buy the hype. WR Eddie Royal is a beast, but one man does not a team make. They are terrible. Cutler will make a few nice throws, though. Who is their RB? Their WRs don't make plays. Their LBs are always trailing a play, rather than attacking. Their defensive line doesn't get pressure on the QB. Champ Bailey can't do it by himself in the secondary. The Chargers have too many weapons and they will not miss Merriman at all, believe it or not (Shaun Phillips played better and made more plays last year anyway).
San Diego 41
Denver 17
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Pittsburgh vs. Cleveland. Despite what happened in Week 1 vs. Dallas (an aberration, one that I hate, because it inflates Cowboy fans' egos) the Browns will play well vs. the Steelers. I actually think they will win. QB Derek Anderson will have time in the pocket, and since he will, he will be able to get the ball to TE Kellen Winslow and WR Braylon Edwards. RB Jamal Lewis can run the ball, despite big ol' NT Casey Hampton anchoring (and I DO MEAN ANCHORING) the defensive line in the Steelers' 3-4 pushing 4 bills. He is hard to move. But the 3-4 offense provides running lanes in the 2 gap and to the outside with the linebackers playing in space. This will be a chess match. As long as Browns' coach Romeo Crennel doesn't stand there looking like an Art Shell statue (yes, I stole the reference to Shell from Simmons), the Browns should win this one. The Steelers aren't as good as Week 1 made people think. This is another one of those smoke-and-mirrors teams. I don't know how anyone figures they will win this division. They are a nine or ten (max) win team to me. The Browns should win 11.
P.S. the only thing Crennel is missing is the hat sitting high on his head like Shell used to wear. He'd pass.
Call:
Pittsburgh 24
Cleveland 38
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Philadelphia vs. Dallas (Monday Night Football). You know I hate both teams. How much I hate one or the other vascillates daily. But I abhor... no, LOATHE them with a passion. It's hard to get into a game when both teams are teams that you hate. Anyway, the Iggles don't have WRs. That's nothing new. Aside from Owens in 2004, they haven't had a decent set of receivers since the mid 1990s. Somehow, they have been (somewhat) relevant since Owens left. They did win a few division titles. The Cowboys haven't even won a playoff game since 1996. Yet, these two teams' fans talk more trash to Giants fans (whose team just won the Super Bowl, and has been to two Super Bowls this decade, whereas Philadelphia has only been to one and lost, and Dallas hasn't sniffed -- no pun intended -- the Super Bowl since 1995). At any rate, the Cowboys have the most talented team in the NFL. They are arguably the only team better than the Giants in the NFC. I still think they lose this game. Look for Trent Cole and Broderick Bunkley (FROM?!?! Florida State.) to get after Romo and cause him to make bad throws. The Giants drew up a better blueprint than Jay-Z ever came up with when it comes to beating Dallas when it counts. Monday Night Football counts. The Eagles will win this one, but it will be close.
Call:
Philadelphia 31
Dallas 28 (OT)
I will have a response blog to Week 2 sometime during the week before I go under the knife for my back surgery on Wednesday.
Enjoy the games!
By Michael D. Wright
Green Bay vs. Detroit. I am going to buck the system (even though I have Aaron Rodgers on my fantasy squad) and pick Detroit in this one. The Lions looked AWFUL in Week 1 losing to a rookie QB and a pitiful/depleted Atlanta Falcons team. The Falcons not only won, they won going away. That's ridiculous. Having said that, I still think the Lions' offense will bother Green Bay. If Tavaris Jackson had played semi-consistent on Monday Night Football in Week 1, the Minnesota Vikings would have beaten Green Bay. Besides, think about what the Lions have: Kitna, who is solid, if not unspectacular; Rudi Johnson, who was waived by Cincinnati right before the season -- now with something to prove at age 28; Calvin Johnson and Roy Williams at WR and a defense that isn't as bad as it looked vs. Atlanta. I do not believe Green Bay will do it with smoke and mirrors as they did last year (check my prospectus for this season in my earlier blog). They weren't a real 13-3 team last year and they won't win more than 9 this year.
Call:
Green Bay 28
Detroit 38
---
Oakland vs. Kansas City. Two bad teams here. I will call this a pick 'em by default on the strength of that fact. Both teams have unproven QBs. Both teams have very good RBs who can't find space because defenses don't play their QBs and the passing game honest; leading to 8 and sometimes 9 guys in the box. Simply put, any numbers that Oakland RB Justin Fargas and Kansas City RB Larry Johnson put up this season are to be admired. I bet no one can name more than one of either team's WRs. I'll wait...
Both defenses are bad, too. Oakland's defense gave up almost 450 yards in offense last week. Still won't be alot of scoring.
Call:
Oakland 17
Kansas City 13
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New York (Football) Giants vs. St. Louis Rams. The Rams are the worst team in the NFL. The Giants are the best team in the NFL (until someone beats them, being the Super Bowl Champs and what not...) Even still, the Giants are the second best team in the NFC and third best overall behind Dallas and San Diego. Unless Eli's near-INTs turn into real INTs and the Giant defense all of a sudden forgets how to tee off on Rams' QB Marc Bulger, in the words of JR Writer "this could get nasty and hazardous" really quick. If an average Philadelphia Eagles team can beat the Rams 38-3, that sort of gives you an idea of what may happen. Stranger things have happened and these ARE the Giants. No such thing as a "game they're supposed to win" (Giants fans know this). Stay tuned. If Bob Papa and Carl Banks are arguing on The Fan (WFAN 660 NY) you'll know why.
Call:
NY Giants 42
St. Louis 10
---
Indianapolis vs. Minnesota. The Colts looked scary in Week 1 -- and not in a good way. Rust on the part of Peyton Manning was to be expected, since he had not played in a game since losing to the Chargers in the AFC Divisional Playoff. I don't care how good you are, you are going to be rusty. Add to that the Colts are missing C Jeff Saturday, their offensive line is looking weak, and their defensive look like timid matadors again. With Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor coming to town, you could see some records fall. But who knows? The Colts may have had a great week of practice and could hit on all cylinders. The Viking defense is not a turnstile by any stretch with DTs Kevin and Pat Williams. Their secondary could get eaten alive by Peyton Manning if DE Jared Allen can't beat LT Tony Ugoh to get to Manning. Joseph Addai may have trouble finding running room in the middle in this game, although. Expect to see something you did not see at all in the Bears game -- THE VAUNTED "STRETCH PLAY" which the Colts run better than anyone. If they are able to get to the outside, Addai could break a few decent runs. This game will be close.
Call:
Indianapolis 27
Minnesota 23
---
Tennessee vs. Cincinnati. The Bengals look like crap. But the Titans, while beating Jacksonville in Week 1, aren't all that impressive. Given that they have a quitter of a starting quarterback, you have to wonder how far they can go with Kerry Collins playing starter minutes. Collins is one of those guys who has the Rob Johnson Effect: plays well in spot duty, makes a few dazzling plays, lures you into thinking he is a starter in the NFL, then as soon as you make him the starter, he kills you with fumbles, INTs and bad throws/lack of mobility. If I sound like a bitter Giants fan who believes the Giants should have and could have beaten the Ravens in 2000 with a semi-mobile QB, then as Redman used to say "I'll Bee Dat". The Bengals defense is atrocious. They even cut their "best" cornerback, as if they have a surplus back there. Marvin Lewis might get fired after this game if they lose. He might quit Jim Mora style if they win. Couple that with ZERO running game and Carson Palmer regressing with each passing game, you have to wonder if the Bengals will win 6 games this year. Chad Ocho Cinco might indeed renew those trade demands before the trade deadline arrives this year. Stay tuned.
As for this game, it's going to be a snoozer. Watch it turn out to be the game they give us tomorrow on CBS at 1 pm. I feel it in my bones.
Call:
Tennessee 13
Cincinnati 11 (botched 2 pt conversion attempt, resulting in Ocho Cinco cursing Palmer out for passing it to Chris Henry instead of his way).
---
New Orleans vs. Washington. Not sure what you know about these teams after one game. You have to give the Redskins a bit of a learning curve. This is Jason Campbell's 1,471st new offense, and given that it is the West Coast offense, there's already a built-in learning curve. They will be horrid for the first part of this season, and finally click when it is too late to make the playoffs. Having said that, they will get torched by a potent Saints offense that put up well over 400 yards of offense last week. Although the Saints will be without Marques Colston, they still have TE Jeremy Shockey, WR Devery Henderson and RB Reggie Bush. Bush had a great game last week and the Redskins have no one in the front seven who can do a thing with him. If pulling FS LaRon Landry into the box to slow him down is their only shot, they will get beat deep several times in this game (Landry is their most rangy defensive player). Things do not bode well for the 'skins in this game.
Call:
New Orleans 41
Washington 24
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Chicago vs. Carolina. People think the Bears are good now. Whatever. The Colts defense isn't great and looked like a turnstile at the 125th Street station in Spanish Harlem on a hot day last week. Please. The Panthers are LEGIT. They have a running game again. QB Jake Delhomme looks good. They got rid of some dead weight old guys on defense in DE Mike Rucker (retirement) and DT Kris Jenkins (overweight/free agent). Their secondary is healthy again. Carolina will still be without Steve Smith, but Muhsin Muhammad is 10 times better than any WR the Bears have (or have had in the past 15 years, including Muhammad himself, who died in Chicago and came back to life in Charlotte). I would call a blowout here, but the Bears defense is no joke. The score won't indicate the closeness of the game, though. The Panthers will just make a few more plays than the Bears, but the Bears will be in it throughout.
Call:
Chicago 14
Carolina 24
---
Buffalo vs. Jacksonville. Everyone knows I do not hold Jacksonville in high regard. Added to that fact is they let DT Marcus Stroud go in free agency... to BUFFALO. They will pay for that in this game. Buffalo's offense is sneaky good, and their defense will get after Jaguars' QB David Garrard. The Jaguars have a running game, but it will sputter in this game. I have always thought Jacksonville's defense was overrated. They don't make big plays (except for CB Rashean Mathis' INTs). They are nothing if not consistent. However, that does not make them great. They could not run the ball vs. the Titans; Fred Taylor looked old and Jones-Drew looked slow. Buffalo's defense is up there with Titans' which was Top 3 last year. Long day for Dave Garrard.
Call:
Buffalo 28
Jacksonville 13
---
San Francisco vs. Seattle. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ... but for the sake of argument, the Seahawks should have an easy time with this one. The 49ers checked out of the NFL when they let WR Terrell Owens leave via free agency following the 2003 season. They are irrelevant. The Seahawks got pwned last week, so they will take it out on SF.
Call:
San Francisco 6
Seattle 34
---
Atlanta vs. Tampa Bay. Hmmmm. The Falcons looked like a football team again in Week 1. However, that was against the Lions. You don't know how much that was the Falcons or the Lions being bad. Tampa is a lot like Jacksonville. However, Jon Gruden doesn't know who his QB is from week to week. They don't look good running the ball and their defense is aging with each passing game (although they dipped into the Fountain of Youth on the other coast before Week 1). I'll call this a pick 'em, but if Michael "The Burner" Turner puts up even half the numbers he put up in Week 1, the Falcons will have a chance. I think he will do it.
Call:
Atlanta 34
Tampa Bay 31
---
New England vs. New York (Football) Jets. Mmmmmmmm... this one is delicious. Not. I don't buy into the hype. They like to sensationalize this "rivalry" because this is effectively more Boston (jealousy/inferiority complex/hatred) vs. New York (superior/confident). If only the latter referred to the Giants instead of the Jets, since it doesn't apply to the Jets. The Jets will be a sleeper, mostly because they aren't really good at all on paper -- but they make timely plays. They aren't going to blow anyone out, meaning they will be in a lot of games where it will come down to the last series of the game. Indeed, they had one in Week 1. This will be another one of those games. As far as Tom Brady goes... YAK.
Call:
New England 21
NY Jets 23
---
Miami vs. Arizona. The Dolphins showed signs of life in Week 1. They aren't good, though. They have no real playmakers on either side of the ball. The Cardinals have quite a few playmakers in WRs Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald, RB Edgerrin James, CB Antrel Rolle and SS Adrian Wilson (FROM?!?!?! High Point, NC). I think this will be a blowout, unless Kurt Warner has one of Those Games. The Cardinals' defense is FOR REAL.
Call:
Miami 6
Arizona 37
---
San Diego (Super) Chargers vs. Denver. The Broncos lured a lot of people in with their "win" vs. Oakland in Week 1. Don't buy the hype. WR Eddie Royal is a beast, but one man does not a team make. They are terrible. Cutler will make a few nice throws, though. Who is their RB? Their WRs don't make plays. Their LBs are always trailing a play, rather than attacking. Their defensive line doesn't get pressure on the QB. Champ Bailey can't do it by himself in the secondary. The Chargers have too many weapons and they will not miss Merriman at all, believe it or not (Shaun Phillips played better and made more plays last year anyway).
San Diego 41
Denver 17
---
Pittsburgh vs. Cleveland. Despite what happened in Week 1 vs. Dallas (an aberration, one that I hate, because it inflates Cowboy fans' egos) the Browns will play well vs. the Steelers. I actually think they will win. QB Derek Anderson will have time in the pocket, and since he will, he will be able to get the ball to TE Kellen Winslow and WR Braylon Edwards. RB Jamal Lewis can run the ball, despite big ol' NT Casey Hampton anchoring (and I DO MEAN ANCHORING) the defensive line in the Steelers' 3-4 pushing 4 bills. He is hard to move. But the 3-4 offense provides running lanes in the 2 gap and to the outside with the linebackers playing in space. This will be a chess match. As long as Browns' coach Romeo Crennel doesn't stand there looking like an Art Shell statue (yes, I stole the reference to Shell from Simmons), the Browns should win this one. The Steelers aren't as good as Week 1 made people think. This is another one of those smoke-and-mirrors teams. I don't know how anyone figures they will win this division. They are a nine or ten (max) win team to me. The Browns should win 11.
P.S. the only thing Crennel is missing is the hat sitting high on his head like Shell used to wear. He'd pass.
Call:
Pittsburgh 24
Cleveland 38
---
Philadelphia vs. Dallas (Monday Night Football). You know I hate both teams. How much I hate one or the other vascillates daily. But I abhor... no, LOATHE them with a passion. It's hard to get into a game when both teams are teams that you hate. Anyway, the Iggles don't have WRs. That's nothing new. Aside from Owens in 2004, they haven't had a decent set of receivers since the mid 1990s. Somehow, they have been (somewhat) relevant since Owens left. They did win a few division titles. The Cowboys haven't even won a playoff game since 1996. Yet, these two teams' fans talk more trash to Giants fans (whose team just won the Super Bowl, and has been to two Super Bowls this decade, whereas Philadelphia has only been to one and lost, and Dallas hasn't sniffed -- no pun intended -- the Super Bowl since 1995). At any rate, the Cowboys have the most talented team in the NFL. They are arguably the only team better than the Giants in the NFC. I still think they lose this game. Look for Trent Cole and Broderick Bunkley (FROM?!?! Florida State.) to get after Romo and cause him to make bad throws. The Giants drew up a better blueprint than Jay-Z ever came up with when it comes to beating Dallas when it counts. Monday Night Football counts. The Eagles will win this one, but it will be close.
Call:
Philadelphia 31
Dallas 28 (OT)
I will have a response blog to Week 2 sometime during the week before I go under the knife for my back surgery on Wednesday.
Enjoy the games!
Friday, September 12, 2008
Breaking Soul Ties
-- because I am sick and tired of watching women trying to break free from relationships with guys they KNOW they have no business being with... and find themselves repeatedly going back...
Breaking Soul Ties
By Author Unknown
* This is not writing of Michael D. Wright
Step #1 to breaking soul ties:
Repent of any sins that involve that person
If you have had adultery, fornication, etc., it is vital that you repent of those sins and receive God's forgiveness for it before you can go about breaking the soul tie.
Step #2 to breaking soul ties:
Forgive the person of any wrongs done
If you have any unforgiveness in your heart against the person, you must choose to release that bitterness and forgive the person. The Bible is clear that bitterness defiles a man.
Step #3 to breaking soul ties:
Renounce any covenants made with the person
If you have made any spoken commitments, vows or even simply saying, "I will love you forever", it has ample power in the spiritual realm to bind the soul to that person (form a soul tie). The tongue is quite capable of binding the soul and can be a great means to create soul ties:
Proverbs 6:2, "Thou art snared with the words of thy mouth, thou art taken with the words of thy mouth."
These spoken covenants need to be renounced in order to break the soul tie. When you renounce something, you basically take them back verbally. You spoke them verbally, now it is time to take them back verbally. For example, if a woman has had a soul tie with a man who was not the one, and said she would never be able to love another man, then this needs to be renounced if she wants to break the soul tie. Such a woman could renounce it by saying something like, "I renounce having said that I will never be able to love another man."
Step #4 to breaking soul ties:
Get rid of any gifts exchanged
Gifts also symbolize a relationship and can hold a soul tie in place. If a person has a ring, personal gifts, cards, jewelry and other 'relationship gifts' from a previous relationship, then it is time to get rid of them. Holding onto such gifts symbolizes that the relationship is still in good standing and can actually hold the soul tie in place even after it has been renounced. You can learn more about the power of symbols in the teaching Symbolic Representations.
Step #5 to breaking soul ties:
Renounce and break the soul tie in Jesus' name
Verbally renouncing something carries a lot of weight in the spiritual realm. Just as vows can bind the soul, renouncing can release the soul from bonds. Jesus said that whatsoever you shall loose will be loosed in heaven (the heavenly realm, or spiritual realm). You can renounce and loose yourself from an ungodly soul tie by simply speaking something like this from your heart:
"I now renounce and loose myself from any ungodly soul ties formed between myself and ________, and I break these ungodly soul ties in Jesus' name."
Breaking Soul Ties
By Author Unknown
* This is not writing of Michael D. Wright
Step #1 to breaking soul ties:
Repent of any sins that involve that person
If you have had adultery, fornication, etc., it is vital that you repent of those sins and receive God's forgiveness for it before you can go about breaking the soul tie.
Step #2 to breaking soul ties:
Forgive the person of any wrongs done
If you have any unforgiveness in your heart against the person, you must choose to release that bitterness and forgive the person. The Bible is clear that bitterness defiles a man.
Step #3 to breaking soul ties:
Renounce any covenants made with the person
If you have made any spoken commitments, vows or even simply saying, "I will love you forever", it has ample power in the spiritual realm to bind the soul to that person (form a soul tie). The tongue is quite capable of binding the soul and can be a great means to create soul ties:
Proverbs 6:2, "Thou art snared with the words of thy mouth, thou art taken with the words of thy mouth."
These spoken covenants need to be renounced in order to break the soul tie. When you renounce something, you basically take them back verbally. You spoke them verbally, now it is time to take them back verbally. For example, if a woman has had a soul tie with a man who was not the one, and said she would never be able to love another man, then this needs to be renounced if she wants to break the soul tie. Such a woman could renounce it by saying something like, "I renounce having said that I will never be able to love another man."
Step #4 to breaking soul ties:
Get rid of any gifts exchanged
Gifts also symbolize a relationship and can hold a soul tie in place. If a person has a ring, personal gifts, cards, jewelry and other 'relationship gifts' from a previous relationship, then it is time to get rid of them. Holding onto such gifts symbolizes that the relationship is still in good standing and can actually hold the soul tie in place even after it has been renounced. You can learn more about the power of symbols in the teaching Symbolic Representations.
Step #5 to breaking soul ties:
Renounce and break the soul tie in Jesus' name
Verbally renouncing something carries a lot of weight in the spiritual realm. Just as vows can bind the soul, renouncing can release the soul from bonds. Jesus said that whatsoever you shall loose will be loosed in heaven (the heavenly realm, or spiritual realm). You can renounce and loose yourself from an ungodly soul tie by simply speaking something like this from your heart:
"I now renounce and loose myself from any ungodly soul ties formed between myself and ________, and I break these ungodly soul ties in Jesus' name."
Imitators of God
Imitators of God
Today's Scripture
"Therefore be imitators of God (copy Him and follow His example), as well-beloved children (imitate their father). And walk in love..." (Ephesians 5:1-2a AMP.)
When people look at you, do they see your family resemblance? Perhaps in the natural, you have characteristics of your father or mother; maybe you have their eyes, or mouth or mannerisms. But we should also have the characteristics of our heavenly Father. We should display His likeness. We should have His eyes, His mouth and His mannerisms, too. We should study Him and imitate Him with the same awe that little children do as they imitate their earthly fathers.
The Bible tells us that God is love. We are never more like God than when we are walking in love-when we are being patient and kind; when we are extending grace and mercy and forgiving others the way Christ has forgiven us. When you imitate God, when you do things His way, you get His results! And God's ways always lead to life, freedom and blessing. The more you imitate your heavenly Father by walking in love, the more you will see Him moving in your life. He'll open doors for you that no man can close, and you'll see His hand of blessing in every area of your life!
Today's Prayer
Father, I invite Your love to flow through me today. Show me how I can be a blessing to others and follow Your ways. Let my life please You so that I can be an example of Your awesome character. In Jesus' Name. Amen.
Today's Scripture
"Therefore be imitators of God (copy Him and follow His example), as well-beloved children (imitate their father). And walk in love..." (Ephesians 5:1-2a AMP.)
When people look at you, do they see your family resemblance? Perhaps in the natural, you have characteristics of your father or mother; maybe you have their eyes, or mouth or mannerisms. But we should also have the characteristics of our heavenly Father. We should display His likeness. We should have His eyes, His mouth and His mannerisms, too. We should study Him and imitate Him with the same awe that little children do as they imitate their earthly fathers.
The Bible tells us that God is love. We are never more like God than when we are walking in love-when we are being patient and kind; when we are extending grace and mercy and forgiving others the way Christ has forgiven us. When you imitate God, when you do things His way, you get His results! And God's ways always lead to life, freedom and blessing. The more you imitate your heavenly Father by walking in love, the more you will see Him moving in your life. He'll open doors for you that no man can close, and you'll see His hand of blessing in every area of your life!
Today's Prayer
Father, I invite Your love to flow through me today. Show me how I can be a blessing to others and follow Your ways. Let my life please You so that I can be an example of Your awesome character. In Jesus' Name. Amen.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
The Characterization of Fandom in the NFL
The Characterization Of Fandom In The NFL
M.D. Wright
9.11.08
Edited: 9.30.09
In this post, I will discuss the character of each NFL team's fanbase. These are mere generalizations, so do not send me emails saying I am being judgmental or condemning one team's fans LOL
AFC East
Buffalo Bills.
The Bills fan is one of the most loyal fans out there. I mean, you have to be, right? Half your games are played in below freezing temperatures. Many times, the zamboni guy has to shovel two feet of snow off the field before the game. They don't brag much, as there isn't much to brag about (unless you count the string of AFC Championships from 1990-1993 -- and the subsequent losses in each Super Bowl that followed). However, you won't find too many more loyal fans than these. And they do not have bandwagoners. Why? It's Buffalo. Most people can't locate it on a map, much less pull a quad muscle jumping onto the bandwagon. Restricted to people from Western New York State, northwestern Pennsylvania, southern Ontario and the transplants who have moved elsewhere throughout the United States.
Miami Dolphins.
Your typical Dolphins fan is of medicare age or a transplant New Yorker. Half of the people in the Miami-Dade area are from New York, right? Or does it just seem that way? At any rate, I can't really say much for Dolphins fans. In the 10 years since Dan Marino (hereafter referred to as simply "Dan", as is customary in my sports writs) retired, the franchise has been like a turnstile in midtown Manhattan. Several coaches, several quarterbacks, several runningbacks, several receivers, several offensive line (wholesale changes, that is), and the list goes on. The only mainstays from Dan's days were Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas, and they both left the team this offseason via free agency. Coming off a 2-14 season in 2007, I don't know how I can characterize the Dolphin fan. One thing that DOES annoy me is that segment that is either old enough or likes to harp upon that 1972 team. When I encounter THAT group, I nearly throw up in my throat.
New England Patriots.
I will try to keep this brief. You have two sets of "FANS" when it comes to the Patriots. You have the Bill Simmons Patriot fan who survived the 1980s (including the Bears annihilation in Super Bowl XX) and endured the ups and downs of the 1990s (another Super Bowl loss, even more heartbreaking -- to Brett Favre and Reggie White's Packers), and you have the bandwagoner who isn't from Medford, or Bristol, CT or even Manchester, NH -- but rather from Cary, NC or Kernersville, NC or some other podunk hole in the wall -- claiming they have been a Patriots fan for "life". Yeah, and I am Tiger Woods, too. Most of these people can't name five players on the team (mind you, they have three or four PERENNIAL Pro Bowlers) yet, they are fans. A couple of them even slip up and admit (inadvertantly) that they became fans in 2001. Whether they claim to be frontrunners or not, most Patriot fans outside of the northestern US are bandwagoners. Plain and simple. I will not argue about that. I feel very strongly about this.
However, for those who were truly fans before 2001, I can somewhat deal with them, much like I can deal with TRUE Red Sox fans. The latter are reasonable, almost pisspoor and woe-is-me in nature about everything. When the Red Sox won in 2004 and again in 2007, they did not gloat. The bandwagoners, however, will let you know in the midst of every conversation, be it about NFL, MLB or their busted catalytic converter -- that the Red Sox are the best ever. Such is the case with bandwagon Patriots fans. I can do without them. They have some of the worst "fans" imaginable -- as is the case with anyone who roots for a Boston-area team.
New York Jets.
Hey Jets fan, us Giants fans pity you guys. Your team has royally sucked for 35 years and although we look at you almost as little brothers -- even sharing our stadium with us when the Giants aren't in town, we cannot stand most of you. Fireman Ed Anzalone is the most visible and vocal Jets fan, but he doesn't typify the majority of their fans. Ed is a guy you can watch a game with at a bar in Weehawken, or even attend a Giants-Jets game at Giants Stadium and not be annoyed by all his yelling. However, the majority of the Jets fans that I KNOW are from Long Island, the suburbs in New Jersey and Westchester, Rockland and Orange counties in New York. A bunch of elitists who root for a perennially sucky team. Note the irony.
AFC North
Baltimore Ravens.
This team, at least the incarnation of it (1996-present) is rather new, so its fanbase is pretty much limited to the DelMarVa area and a few holdover bandwagoners who claim that Ray Lewis saved their life the night the Ravens defeated my Giants in January 2001. Whatever. As for the rest of the Ravens fans, these guys have to cheer on a team that underperforms when the expectations are high, and overachieves when the expectations are low. For the most part, they have proven to be loyal, but I would imagine it was a tough pill to swallow to have a coach, who for ten years (Billick) was your head coach and offensive "guru", yet your offense barely ever moved the ball. If not for the Lewis-led defense, would this team even be a blip on anyone's radar? However, most Ravens fans are likeable.
Cincinnati Bengals. Hah,
These ARE your father's Bengals after all. Well, if your father was born in 1943 and he watched those 1970s teams fritter away alot of good talent and never do much. In the 1980s, they were annually very good and went to a couple of Super Bowls (1982, 1989) but never won -- although they SHOULD have defeated San Francisco in Super Bowl XXIII. The 1990s were brutal on Joe Bengal Fan, with failed draft picks, QBs who were busts, running backs from Big Ten schools (never good) and a defense that could've been mistaken for the waters that stood in front of Moses and the Israelites. Until about 2004, the Bengals were irrelevant. Then a funny thing happened. They began drafting semi-wisely. Chad Johnson (as he was previously known). TJ Houshmandzadeh, Carson Palmer, Rudi Johnson. They were doing alright. The defense still sucks to this day, which is why, for all their high powered antics on offense, the team never has accomplished much except draw attention from the major sports outlets for Chad Ocho Cinco's antics. The Bengal fan isn't a bad guy, mostly working class and doesn't gloat. Most of them don't even bring up the halcyon days of the 80s. I can't hate them for that. Good bunch.
Cleveland Browns.
I feel for these guys. They (well USED TO -- since most of them live in Richfield and other antiseptic suburbs now) live in a stinking town, with a former stadium that was dank and never held up well after October in Municipal Stadium and now, with the former Browns team moving to Baltimore in 1996, this incarnation of the Browns (1999-present) has a brand new life and optimism. After a few false starts (drafting Tim Couch and hinging all hopes of success upon a second-rate QB), they have finally gotten it right. Most current Browns fans are those who rooted for the original Browns. These are good people. They love to eat. They love to drink. And they love their Browns. They aren't spiteful, and they aren't bitter in defeat. Who can't deal with that?
Pittsburgh Steelers.
Pittsbuuuuuuuuuggggg (as NFL Films' John Facenda used to say it) has a rich history, a history that a few people who are not even old enough to remember(nor have any connection to Western Pennsylvania whatsoEVER) like to go on and on about while claiming to be Steelers fans. For those who are tried and true Steeler fans, I have no gripe with them. First of all, they are in the AFC. The Giants only play them every 3-4 years. But for what I have seen, their fans are loyal to the bitter end. They had that 26 year drought of winning Super Bowls that ended in January 2006. They have had countless Hall of Fame players. They know how to tailgate, that's for sure. Personally, I haven't come across too many bad Steeler fans at all. The only ones I don't like are those over age 18 who just "became" Steeler fans and are historians of the team all of a sudden since the 2005 season concluded.
AFC South
Houston Texans.
This is a new franchise (2002). Not much interest outside of southeast Texas (as the rest of Texas is Cowboy country and Louisiana is Saints Territory... WHO DEY?) and a few people who have ties to the high draft picks and what have you. I can't write much about them, but as their fortunes look good for the 2008 season, expect to hear a few people exclaim that they just KNEW Matt Schaub would be great when given the chance, or that they said all along that the Texans made the right move by selecting Mario Williams #1 overall in the 2006 draft over Reginald Bush -- or even that they've known Andre Johnson since BEFORE he got to The U. (Univ. of Miami-FL), much less during his tenure with Houston. We will see in a few years. For now, I don't have enough information to write on them. Keep an eye on the things I've said here, though.
Indianapolis Colts.
Joe Colt fan is pretty likable. Even when they won the Super Bowl, you kind of didn't mind that a few bandwagoners came out of the woodwork. Besides, who didn't like seeing Tony Dungy win it all after his son died? As many Peyton Manning haters as there are (of which I am not one), he finally justified all the praise that was given to him coming into the NFL. Marvin Harrison is one of the good guys (minus shooting a guy in Philly last summer) in the league and their team is all-around disciplined, well-coached and doesn't pop up on ESPN for getting in trouble. That sort of typifies their fanbase as well. They just go about business and are easy to get along with.
Jacksonville Jaguars.
The JAGUWIRES, for all their high-flying success (although no Super Bowls) in the 1990s after entering the league in 1995) have a pretty local fanbase. Not too many people outside of northeast Florida claims them. They don't even sell out any of their games. They've always been good (aside from a couple of 4-12 seasons and .500 teams here and there), so you'd think there'd be a few bandwagoners. There aren't. And I've been to half of the states in the US, and a few places outside of the US. Not a sniff of Jaguar pride. I don't even know a Jaguar fan.
Tennessee Titans.
The Titans (previously Houston Oilers) have an interesting fanbase. Some of their fans are new. Some of them are merely Tennesseans. Some of them came with the Oiler franchise. Some of the old Oiler fans (I liked watching the Warren Moon Oilers -- they were fun to watch) swore off the team after it packed its rags and left for Nashville. I don't know too many Titan fans, but they aren't really that well spread out to get a handle on their conduct. They aren't loud and boisterous at the stadium unless they get a 80 yd FG by that kicker of theirs who never seems to miss anything. They aren't a bunch of rednecks or hicks from the backwoods of Tennessee, though (unless you know some like that who can actually afford the PSLs for Titans games).
AFC West
Denver Broncos.
I hate the Broncos. I hate their fans. I don't even know why. Yes, they did (and to this day are the last team to) win Back to Back Super Bowls 1997-98, but it was just something about those teams I hated. Their fans are much like that. You wonder how some of them even like Denver. Yes, Elway is the GOAT of QBs (no apologies to Montana, Dan or John Madden's Boyfriend who plays for the Jets now), but their fans are some of the most obnoxious out there. They always think they are going to win the division. Even this year, I have heard so many of them (and let's not get started about what I have been hearing since the MNF game in Week 1 of 2008 -- after they beat up on one of the worst/most discombobulated teams in the NFL in Oakland) exclaim that they are going to win the AFC West. How? By hoping that LaDainian Tomlinson, Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates joint Shawne Merriman on Injured Reserve? Please. That's what it is -- they make me hate them because they always think they are going to win it all. I mean, on one hand you should be optimistic, but let's be real. Even after shutting Oakland out, they are still a 6-10 team at best.
Kansas City Chiefs.
It is a wonder Herman Edwards still has a job. If it weren't for his buddy-buddy relationship with Carl Peterson, he wouldn't. Chiefs fans have been eating a lot of humble pie and crow since the turn of the century. I do not pity them. They used to be arrogant jerks. Their teams were good, but they started bragging at the tailgate outside of the stadium and they traveled well -- doing the same thing wherever their teams were playing. Now that they are going to be losers for the next 2-4 years, I don't hate them as much.
Oakland Raiders.
I would suppose there was a time when their fans truly DID scare you with all that Star Wars get-up that they wear in the stands. Now they just look like attention-deprived clowns. To think, some of those people work desk jobs next to sane people? These guys have suffered alot since Marcus Allen roamed the backfield and Howie Long would club QBs in the head when he piled up sacks. I'll give them a pass. They would still be the arrogant, loudmouth douchebags they were when John Madden coached them if they were only that good.
R.I.P. Gene.
San Diego Chargers.
The Charger fan has taken on a metamorphosis. They always want their team to do well. What team's fans don't (don't answer... you know its a certain team in southeast PA)? They were loveable losers after Fouts left, to very hateable winners now that they have a potent team (2004-present). I am a Charger fan, but I am Giants first. I became a Charger fan because Marion Butts (FROM? Florida State.) played there. Then Natrone Means (FROM? Carolina.) went there. I liked Junior Seau (pre-Patriots) and I liked Rodney Harrison hitting guys late and headhunting as the Chargers' free and later strong safety (pre-Patriots -- now I hate him). Still, most Charger fans are grounded. Only a few loopy ones here and there, thinking this latest version of the Chargers will be the ones to win it all -- have become downright obnoxious. I am not one of them. I will watch the team bubble for a while. Then we'll see.
NFC East
Dallas Cowboys.
Easily the most hated team and most hated fans on the face of this earth. Philadelphia Eagles (hereafter referred to as IGGLE) fans would take the cake, but they haven't won anything, so they are much like pre-2004 Red Sox fans. You hate hearing them, but then you realize your teams (Giants, Yankees) have more titles than their team will ever sniff before Christ comes back for us -- and they're not as annoying. Cowboys fans brag so much, until a knowledgeable Sports Guy like myself knocks them back to reality by stating they haven't won a SINGLE PLAYOFF GAME since 1996. Then they shut up for a second. Then they start talking about Romo and Owens. Then they realize this team is starting to look like the 1990s Braves -- only they won't have a 1995 season like the Braves had. I hate them. And who KNOWS how many bandwagoners have been mixed in there since 1971?
New York Giants.
With the Giants, you get the essence of your typical NON-RICH New Yorker. The New Yorker you see interviewed on the street. The New Yorker who has to hold down two jobs to get by. The New Yorker who will give you the bird, curse you out and then enjoy ribs with you at the game. Although the Boston-biased ESPN goons will hate the Giants until the cows come home, how many people TRULY hate the Giants and their fans? Who were 90% of America rooting for on Feb. 3, 2008? Yes, I thought so. Giants fans are amongst (if not THE) most loyal fans in the NFL and all of major professional sports. PERIOD. And as with all New York sports fans, they know their sports more than any other teams' fans. I will not argue this. It has been proven.
Philadelphia Eagles.
Iggles fans are the scum of the earth. Maybe they are bitter they have never won. They finally got NEAR a Super Bowl championship and thought the world revolved around them. Then the player responsible for them getting there threw their QB Donovan McNabb under the bus and skipped town. They have been irrelevant ever since. I wish they would just throw them all in the jail underneath the stadium (or did they not build The Linc with one like The Vet had?) Another annoyance is that their fans believe the ESPN/FOX Sports hype that always perennially picks them to win the division every year. Wait. With THOSE WRs? And the "best" of them is hurt? They just cut another one? Yet their fans still think they are winners. They throw batteries, snow and other objects at their OWN PLAYERS -- laugh when a player nearly gets paralyzed at the Vet. They are the scum of the earth.
Washington Redskins.
I hate Washington. I have always hated the Redskins AND their fans. They have won Super Bowls, so they are particularly difficult to deal with. They are irrational and regardless of the fact the Redskins have been irrelevant (as a Washington, DC area team can possibly be) for the past 15 years, you never hear their fans shut up. Some call that persistence and consistent fandom. I call it delusion and annoying. I have never in my lifetime known more than three likable Redskins fans.
NFC North
Chicago Bears.
Bears fans are okay. They don't gloat about the '85 Bears much, partly because most of the people who are old enough to remember that team are too old to resort to such childish things. The younger set are irrational, though. They have been deluded by Bears' management into thinking they can win with 11 players instead of 22 -- meaning they have NO offense whatsoever, and it's almost always been that way -- meanwhile relying upon defense. They are a likeable bunch, though. I haven't met a Bears fan that I hate.
Detroit Lions.
These guys have it about as bad as anyone. They've never been relevant in the modern NFL era -- except when Barry Sanders was dazzling us from 1989-1998. They cheer on a losing team better than most people. I can't hate on that. They should get rid of Matt Millen though.
Green Bay Packers.
The Cheeseheads are some of the most loyal fans out there. In fact, some of their fans OWN part of the team. How's that for fandom? They are legendary tailgaters, bratwurst mavens and can down some lager like no other. They invented the Lambeau Leap with the Packer players and cheer their team no matter what. They never turn on the Pack. One thing that ANNOYS ME GREATLY is that Todd Rundgren song they play whenever the Packers score a touchdown. What year is that song from? 1976? 1978? Why are they still playing this? Why are they playing a song that was on the charts back when the Packers temporarily disappeared from the NFL conscious? Anyway, Packer fans are alright with me -- just the ones who haven't a clue about the players past ex-Packer Brett Favre and seemingly have NO connection to Green Bay whatsoever. I know a few of them right now.
Minnesota Vikings.
These guys are brutal. Not in a bad way, though. Opposing teams don't like playing in the Metrodome with their imported noise and such. However, Viking fans aren't insufferable; partly because they've never won anything. I've come across a few of their fans here and there. They know their sports.
NFC South
Atlanta Falcons.
Before Deion Sanders (1989-1993) and Michael Vick (2001-2006) the Falcons did not really have fans. They had people who showed up to the Georgia Dome to tailgate and socialize and have something to do on Sundays. That's it. Now that Vick is doing time and definitely won't be back in Atlanta, it's back to that. Simple.
Carolina Panthers.
Panther fans are manifold. You have your fan who dips snuff, drag races cars, wears the same pit-stained shirt for weeks at a time and has black fingernails... to your office worker who just pulls for the team because it represents the first NFL team in North Carolina, and then you have your money makers and movers and shakers that live in Charlotte or Raleigh-Durham who are either transplants from New York or New Jersey and bend over backwards to fit into North Carolina's customs while maintaining their "we're still better than you" mindsets about North Carolinians. Makes for an interesting and rare fanbase. Considering the team is less than 15 years old, that's what happens. There are only four teams whose fans I know more of than Panther fans (Giants, Cowboys, Redskins, Eagles). Part of that is that I currently live in North Carolina, I know, but it seems like EVERYONE in North Carolina is a Panther fan. That is a lot of people. I can't hate on them -- until they start trying to bash the Giants, which many of them like to do -- as if the Panthers have won anything yet.
New Orleans Saints.
I love Saints fans. They are wild and boisterous. Everything surrounding the Saints is a party. Even before Katrina, these cats know how to do it. The Saints have been horrible most of their 40 years in the NFL, although they are looking good the past few years. Jim Mora (PLAYOFFS?!?!?!) made them somewhat respectable before his "we couldn't do... DIDDLY POO OFFENSIVELY..." speech following a loss to the second year Carolina Panthers in 1996 and immediate resignation. They weren't relevant again until 2006. However, the fans are great. Who can hate them?
Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
Bucs fans are somewhat similar to Dolphins fans, except they had an inferiority complex until the Bucs won it in 2002. It seems as though they are headed back to those days when they wore the sherbet jerseys and once went winless in a season (once Derrick Brooks... FROM?! and Jeff Garcia retire in the next year or two). I hate to say that, but they are not going anywhere soon. Once Gruden jumps (or gets pushed off) ship after this season, they are going to be bad. VERY BAD. Hope the Bucs fans enjoyed the ride with Dungy and Gruden winning with Dungy's players. Bucs fans don't bother anyone, though. Who has a problem with them? Even when the Giants came to town for the 2007-08 playoffs, they were bragging but were NERVOUS as well. They were nervous for good reason as it turns out. But since they have won a Super Bowl, they aren't exactly Chicago Cubs fans LOL
NFC West
Arizona Cardinals.
These guys have to be masochists or something. They have never come CLOSE to winning anything. They still aren't as of the 2008 season. How do they have fans? Have you ever known a Cardinal fan? I haven't either. What is life like for them? Do they work as collections agents to offset the pain that the other 31 teams in the NFL routinely inflict on their team? I don't get it. They have a brand new stadium and come close to selling it out, but I don't understand it. They have even begun bringing high priced free agents and nice talent in through the draft lately, but it hasn't materialized into anything but 8-8 seasons, as opposed to the typical 4-12, 5-11 seasons the Cardinals have had throughout my lifetime (except for the Roy Green and Neil Lomax years) and for that matter, their entire existence. I feel emo now.
St. Louis Rams.
The Rams fan is unique. The team was based in Anaheim for nearly 50 years before moving to St. Louis in 1994. The Los Angeles Rams had a decent history and their fans were loyal. The St. Louis Rams fans are fickle. They've jumped on and off ship like they were fishing by mouth. They were excited when the team came to town. Then they were losers for about five years. The fans left in droves. Then they snatched Marshall Faulk from the Colts in 1999 for the Colts to obtain the rights to draft Edgerrin James. Then Trent Green got blown up by Rodney Harrison and Kurt Warner, who had probably bagged my cousin Patrice's groceries in Iowa at one time, came in and led them to a Super Bowl. Next thing you know, they have the Greatest Show on Turf! People were rockin' Faulk jerseys left and right. The Rams had a lot of fans on the east coast, which is striking, given the east coast is where the NFL began and most people are entrenched in their fandom. Makes you wonder.
At any rate, the Rams are probably the worst team in the NFL in 2008 and will be for a while. We will see how this affects their fans. They are notorious for being fickle.
San Francisco 49ers.
I hated San Francisco growing up. I hated their fans, they were arrogant, much like Bill Walsh, Joe Montana, Steve Young and Jerry Rice were. They thought they were better than everyone else. Secretly, the 49ers were PETRIFIED of ever playing the Giants in the 1980s and early 1990s. They were able to avoid playing the Giants several times, but whenever they did (aside from one playoff blowout) they lost. Lawrence Taylor & Co. had that effect on all teams, no shame there. Now that they are pitiful, I have no pity for them. Let them suffer. They never had to from 1981-2002. That's a long time to never experience pain. And no, Joe Montana gettin' knocked the F out by Leonard Marshall in the 1990 NFC Championship game like he played on "Friday" doesn't count as pain. LOSING is pain. And you learn a lot more about yourself in losses than victories. So LEARN, 49er fan!
Seattle Seahawks.
Interesting bunch. They've never won. They've had decent teams. They've had horrible teams. They've been to the Super Bowl. They are loyal. But they are regional. Couple that with the fact they were rarely on national televised games, and you halfway wonder what a Seattle fan is like. Do they drink Starbuck's at the game? Do they instinctively pack a parka, umbrella and galoshes by Osh Kosh B'Gosh for every game? They ought to send that bald guy from National Geographic to investigate Nils the Seahawk fan to get the pulse of the Hawk Nation. We hardly know ye.
Next time (school schedule permitting) I'll be doing an NBA fandom characterization -- along with 2009 NFL Week 4 Bettor's Guide
M.D. Wright
9.11.08
Edited: 9.30.09
In this post, I will discuss the character of each NFL team's fanbase. These are mere generalizations, so do not send me emails saying I am being judgmental or condemning one team's fans LOL
AFC East
Buffalo Bills.
The Bills fan is one of the most loyal fans out there. I mean, you have to be, right? Half your games are played in below freezing temperatures. Many times, the zamboni guy has to shovel two feet of snow off the field before the game. They don't brag much, as there isn't much to brag about (unless you count the string of AFC Championships from 1990-1993 -- and the subsequent losses in each Super Bowl that followed). However, you won't find too many more loyal fans than these. And they do not have bandwagoners. Why? It's Buffalo. Most people can't locate it on a map, much less pull a quad muscle jumping onto the bandwagon. Restricted to people from Western New York State, northwestern Pennsylvania, southern Ontario and the transplants who have moved elsewhere throughout the United States.
Miami Dolphins.
Your typical Dolphins fan is of medicare age or a transplant New Yorker. Half of the people in the Miami-Dade area are from New York, right? Or does it just seem that way? At any rate, I can't really say much for Dolphins fans. In the 10 years since Dan Marino (hereafter referred to as simply "Dan", as is customary in my sports writs) retired, the franchise has been like a turnstile in midtown Manhattan. Several coaches, several quarterbacks, several runningbacks, several receivers, several offensive line (wholesale changes, that is), and the list goes on. The only mainstays from Dan's days were Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas, and they both left the team this offseason via free agency. Coming off a 2-14 season in 2007, I don't know how I can characterize the Dolphin fan. One thing that DOES annoy me is that segment that is either old enough or likes to harp upon that 1972 team. When I encounter THAT group, I nearly throw up in my throat.
New England Patriots.
I will try to keep this brief. You have two sets of "FANS" when it comes to the Patriots. You have the Bill Simmons Patriot fan who survived the 1980s (including the Bears annihilation in Super Bowl XX) and endured the ups and downs of the 1990s (another Super Bowl loss, even more heartbreaking -- to Brett Favre and Reggie White's Packers), and you have the bandwagoner who isn't from Medford, or Bristol, CT or even Manchester, NH -- but rather from Cary, NC or Kernersville, NC or some other podunk hole in the wall -- claiming they have been a Patriots fan for "life". Yeah, and I am Tiger Woods, too. Most of these people can't name five players on the team (mind you, they have three or four PERENNIAL Pro Bowlers) yet, they are fans. A couple of them even slip up and admit (inadvertantly) that they became fans in 2001. Whether they claim to be frontrunners or not, most Patriot fans outside of the northestern US are bandwagoners. Plain and simple. I will not argue about that. I feel very strongly about this.
However, for those who were truly fans before 2001, I can somewhat deal with them, much like I can deal with TRUE Red Sox fans. The latter are reasonable, almost pisspoor and woe-is-me in nature about everything. When the Red Sox won in 2004 and again in 2007, they did not gloat. The bandwagoners, however, will let you know in the midst of every conversation, be it about NFL, MLB or their busted catalytic converter -- that the Red Sox are the best ever. Such is the case with bandwagon Patriots fans. I can do without them. They have some of the worst "fans" imaginable -- as is the case with anyone who roots for a Boston-area team.
New York Jets.
Hey Jets fan, us Giants fans pity you guys. Your team has royally sucked for 35 years and although we look at you almost as little brothers -- even sharing our stadium with us when the Giants aren't in town, we cannot stand most of you. Fireman Ed Anzalone is the most visible and vocal Jets fan, but he doesn't typify the majority of their fans. Ed is a guy you can watch a game with at a bar in Weehawken, or even attend a Giants-Jets game at Giants Stadium and not be annoyed by all his yelling. However, the majority of the Jets fans that I KNOW are from Long Island, the suburbs in New Jersey and Westchester, Rockland and Orange counties in New York. A bunch of elitists who root for a perennially sucky team. Note the irony.
AFC North
Baltimore Ravens.
This team, at least the incarnation of it (1996-present) is rather new, so its fanbase is pretty much limited to the DelMarVa area and a few holdover bandwagoners who claim that Ray Lewis saved their life the night the Ravens defeated my Giants in January 2001. Whatever. As for the rest of the Ravens fans, these guys have to cheer on a team that underperforms when the expectations are high, and overachieves when the expectations are low. For the most part, they have proven to be loyal, but I would imagine it was a tough pill to swallow to have a coach, who for ten years (Billick) was your head coach and offensive "guru", yet your offense barely ever moved the ball. If not for the Lewis-led defense, would this team even be a blip on anyone's radar? However, most Ravens fans are likeable.
Cincinnati Bengals. Hah,
These ARE your father's Bengals after all. Well, if your father was born in 1943 and he watched those 1970s teams fritter away alot of good talent and never do much. In the 1980s, they were annually very good and went to a couple of Super Bowls (1982, 1989) but never won -- although they SHOULD have defeated San Francisco in Super Bowl XXIII. The 1990s were brutal on Joe Bengal Fan, with failed draft picks, QBs who were busts, running backs from Big Ten schools (never good) and a defense that could've been mistaken for the waters that stood in front of Moses and the Israelites. Until about 2004, the Bengals were irrelevant. Then a funny thing happened. They began drafting semi-wisely. Chad Johnson (as he was previously known). TJ Houshmandzadeh, Carson Palmer, Rudi Johnson. They were doing alright. The defense still sucks to this day, which is why, for all their high powered antics on offense, the team never has accomplished much except draw attention from the major sports outlets for Chad Ocho Cinco's antics. The Bengal fan isn't a bad guy, mostly working class and doesn't gloat. Most of them don't even bring up the halcyon days of the 80s. I can't hate them for that. Good bunch.
Cleveland Browns.
I feel for these guys. They (well USED TO -- since most of them live in Richfield and other antiseptic suburbs now) live in a stinking town, with a former stadium that was dank and never held up well after October in Municipal Stadium and now, with the former Browns team moving to Baltimore in 1996, this incarnation of the Browns (1999-present) has a brand new life and optimism. After a few false starts (drafting Tim Couch and hinging all hopes of success upon a second-rate QB), they have finally gotten it right. Most current Browns fans are those who rooted for the original Browns. These are good people. They love to eat. They love to drink. And they love their Browns. They aren't spiteful, and they aren't bitter in defeat. Who can't deal with that?
Pittsburgh Steelers.
Pittsbuuuuuuuuuggggg (as NFL Films' John Facenda used to say it) has a rich history, a history that a few people who are not even old enough to remember(nor have any connection to Western Pennsylvania whatsoEVER) like to go on and on about while claiming to be Steelers fans. For those who are tried and true Steeler fans, I have no gripe with them. First of all, they are in the AFC. The Giants only play them every 3-4 years. But for what I have seen, their fans are loyal to the bitter end. They had that 26 year drought of winning Super Bowls that ended in January 2006. They have had countless Hall of Fame players. They know how to tailgate, that's for sure. Personally, I haven't come across too many bad Steeler fans at all. The only ones I don't like are those over age 18 who just "became" Steeler fans and are historians of the team all of a sudden since the 2005 season concluded.
AFC South
Houston Texans.
This is a new franchise (2002). Not much interest outside of southeast Texas (as the rest of Texas is Cowboy country and Louisiana is Saints Territory... WHO DEY?) and a few people who have ties to the high draft picks and what have you. I can't write much about them, but as their fortunes look good for the 2008 season, expect to hear a few people exclaim that they just KNEW Matt Schaub would be great when given the chance, or that they said all along that the Texans made the right move by selecting Mario Williams #1 overall in the 2006 draft over Reginald Bush -- or even that they've known Andre Johnson since BEFORE he got to The U. (Univ. of Miami-FL), much less during his tenure with Houston. We will see in a few years. For now, I don't have enough information to write on them. Keep an eye on the things I've said here, though.
Indianapolis Colts.
Joe Colt fan is pretty likable. Even when they won the Super Bowl, you kind of didn't mind that a few bandwagoners came out of the woodwork. Besides, who didn't like seeing Tony Dungy win it all after his son died? As many Peyton Manning haters as there are (of which I am not one), he finally justified all the praise that was given to him coming into the NFL. Marvin Harrison is one of the good guys (minus shooting a guy in Philly last summer) in the league and their team is all-around disciplined, well-coached and doesn't pop up on ESPN for getting in trouble. That sort of typifies their fanbase as well. They just go about business and are easy to get along with.
Jacksonville Jaguars.
The JAGUWIRES, for all their high-flying success (although no Super Bowls) in the 1990s after entering the league in 1995) have a pretty local fanbase. Not too many people outside of northeast Florida claims them. They don't even sell out any of their games. They've always been good (aside from a couple of 4-12 seasons and .500 teams here and there), so you'd think there'd be a few bandwagoners. There aren't. And I've been to half of the states in the US, and a few places outside of the US. Not a sniff of Jaguar pride. I don't even know a Jaguar fan.
Tennessee Titans.
The Titans (previously Houston Oilers) have an interesting fanbase. Some of their fans are new. Some of them are merely Tennesseans. Some of them came with the Oiler franchise. Some of the old Oiler fans (I liked watching the Warren Moon Oilers -- they were fun to watch) swore off the team after it packed its rags and left for Nashville. I don't know too many Titan fans, but they aren't really that well spread out to get a handle on their conduct. They aren't loud and boisterous at the stadium unless they get a 80 yd FG by that kicker of theirs who never seems to miss anything. They aren't a bunch of rednecks or hicks from the backwoods of Tennessee, though (unless you know some like that who can actually afford the PSLs for Titans games).
AFC West
Denver Broncos.
I hate the Broncos. I hate their fans. I don't even know why. Yes, they did (and to this day are the last team to) win Back to Back Super Bowls 1997-98, but it was just something about those teams I hated. Their fans are much like that. You wonder how some of them even like Denver. Yes, Elway is the GOAT of QBs (no apologies to Montana, Dan or John Madden's Boyfriend who plays for the Jets now), but their fans are some of the most obnoxious out there. They always think they are going to win the division. Even this year, I have heard so many of them (and let's not get started about what I have been hearing since the MNF game in Week 1 of 2008 -- after they beat up on one of the worst/most discombobulated teams in the NFL in Oakland) exclaim that they are going to win the AFC West. How? By hoping that LaDainian Tomlinson, Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates joint Shawne Merriman on Injured Reserve? Please. That's what it is -- they make me hate them because they always think they are going to win it all. I mean, on one hand you should be optimistic, but let's be real. Even after shutting Oakland out, they are still a 6-10 team at best.
Kansas City Chiefs.
It is a wonder Herman Edwards still has a job. If it weren't for his buddy-buddy relationship with Carl Peterson, he wouldn't. Chiefs fans have been eating a lot of humble pie and crow since the turn of the century. I do not pity them. They used to be arrogant jerks. Their teams were good, but they started bragging at the tailgate outside of the stadium and they traveled well -- doing the same thing wherever their teams were playing. Now that they are going to be losers for the next 2-4 years, I don't hate them as much.
Oakland Raiders.
I would suppose there was a time when their fans truly DID scare you with all that Star Wars get-up that they wear in the stands. Now they just look like attention-deprived clowns. To think, some of those people work desk jobs next to sane people? These guys have suffered alot since Marcus Allen roamed the backfield and Howie Long would club QBs in the head when he piled up sacks. I'll give them a pass. They would still be the arrogant, loudmouth douchebags they were when John Madden coached them if they were only that good.
R.I.P. Gene.
San Diego Chargers.
The Charger fan has taken on a metamorphosis. They always want their team to do well. What team's fans don't (don't answer... you know its a certain team in southeast PA)? They were loveable losers after Fouts left, to very hateable winners now that they have a potent team (2004-present). I am a Charger fan, but I am Giants first. I became a Charger fan because Marion Butts (FROM? Florida State.) played there. Then Natrone Means (FROM? Carolina.) went there. I liked Junior Seau (pre-Patriots) and I liked Rodney Harrison hitting guys late and headhunting as the Chargers' free and later strong safety (pre-Patriots -- now I hate him). Still, most Charger fans are grounded. Only a few loopy ones here and there, thinking this latest version of the Chargers will be the ones to win it all -- have become downright obnoxious. I am not one of them. I will watch the team bubble for a while. Then we'll see.
NFC East
Dallas Cowboys.
Easily the most hated team and most hated fans on the face of this earth. Philadelphia Eagles (hereafter referred to as IGGLE) fans would take the cake, but they haven't won anything, so they are much like pre-2004 Red Sox fans. You hate hearing them, but then you realize your teams (Giants, Yankees) have more titles than their team will ever sniff before Christ comes back for us -- and they're not as annoying. Cowboys fans brag so much, until a knowledgeable Sports Guy like myself knocks them back to reality by stating they haven't won a SINGLE PLAYOFF GAME since 1996. Then they shut up for a second. Then they start talking about Romo and Owens. Then they realize this team is starting to look like the 1990s Braves -- only they won't have a 1995 season like the Braves had. I hate them. And who KNOWS how many bandwagoners have been mixed in there since 1971?
New York Giants.
With the Giants, you get the essence of your typical NON-RICH New Yorker. The New Yorker you see interviewed on the street. The New Yorker who has to hold down two jobs to get by. The New Yorker who will give you the bird, curse you out and then enjoy ribs with you at the game. Although the Boston-biased ESPN goons will hate the Giants until the cows come home, how many people TRULY hate the Giants and their fans? Who were 90% of America rooting for on Feb. 3, 2008? Yes, I thought so. Giants fans are amongst (if not THE) most loyal fans in the NFL and all of major professional sports. PERIOD. And as with all New York sports fans, they know their sports more than any other teams' fans. I will not argue this. It has been proven.
Philadelphia Eagles.
Iggles fans are the scum of the earth. Maybe they are bitter they have never won. They finally got NEAR a Super Bowl championship and thought the world revolved around them. Then the player responsible for them getting there threw their QB Donovan McNabb under the bus and skipped town. They have been irrelevant ever since. I wish they would just throw them all in the jail underneath the stadium (or did they not build The Linc with one like The Vet had?) Another annoyance is that their fans believe the ESPN/FOX Sports hype that always perennially picks them to win the division every year. Wait. With THOSE WRs? And the "best" of them is hurt? They just cut another one? Yet their fans still think they are winners. They throw batteries, snow and other objects at their OWN PLAYERS -- laugh when a player nearly gets paralyzed at the Vet. They are the scum of the earth.
Washington Redskins.
I hate Washington. I have always hated the Redskins AND their fans. They have won Super Bowls, so they are particularly difficult to deal with. They are irrational and regardless of the fact the Redskins have been irrelevant (as a Washington, DC area team can possibly be) for the past 15 years, you never hear their fans shut up. Some call that persistence and consistent fandom. I call it delusion and annoying. I have never in my lifetime known more than three likable Redskins fans.
NFC North
Chicago Bears.
Bears fans are okay. They don't gloat about the '85 Bears much, partly because most of the people who are old enough to remember that team are too old to resort to such childish things. The younger set are irrational, though. They have been deluded by Bears' management into thinking they can win with 11 players instead of 22 -- meaning they have NO offense whatsoever, and it's almost always been that way -- meanwhile relying upon defense. They are a likeable bunch, though. I haven't met a Bears fan that I hate.
Detroit Lions.
These guys have it about as bad as anyone. They've never been relevant in the modern NFL era -- except when Barry Sanders was dazzling us from 1989-1998. They cheer on a losing team better than most people. I can't hate on that. They should get rid of Matt Millen though.
Green Bay Packers.
The Cheeseheads are some of the most loyal fans out there. In fact, some of their fans OWN part of the team. How's that for fandom? They are legendary tailgaters, bratwurst mavens and can down some lager like no other. They invented the Lambeau Leap with the Packer players and cheer their team no matter what. They never turn on the Pack. One thing that ANNOYS ME GREATLY is that Todd Rundgren song they play whenever the Packers score a touchdown. What year is that song from? 1976? 1978? Why are they still playing this? Why are they playing a song that was on the charts back when the Packers temporarily disappeared from the NFL conscious? Anyway, Packer fans are alright with me -- just the ones who haven't a clue about the players past ex-Packer Brett Favre and seemingly have NO connection to Green Bay whatsoever. I know a few of them right now.
Minnesota Vikings.
These guys are brutal. Not in a bad way, though. Opposing teams don't like playing in the Metrodome with their imported noise and such. However, Viking fans aren't insufferable; partly because they've never won anything. I've come across a few of their fans here and there. They know their sports.
NFC South
Atlanta Falcons.
Before Deion Sanders (1989-1993) and Michael Vick (2001-2006) the Falcons did not really have fans. They had people who showed up to the Georgia Dome to tailgate and socialize and have something to do on Sundays. That's it. Now that Vick is doing time and definitely won't be back in Atlanta, it's back to that. Simple.
Carolina Panthers.
Panther fans are manifold. You have your fan who dips snuff, drag races cars, wears the same pit-stained shirt for weeks at a time and has black fingernails... to your office worker who just pulls for the team because it represents the first NFL team in North Carolina, and then you have your money makers and movers and shakers that live in Charlotte or Raleigh-Durham who are either transplants from New York or New Jersey and bend over backwards to fit into North Carolina's customs while maintaining their "we're still better than you" mindsets about North Carolinians. Makes for an interesting and rare fanbase. Considering the team is less than 15 years old, that's what happens. There are only four teams whose fans I know more of than Panther fans (Giants, Cowboys, Redskins, Eagles). Part of that is that I currently live in North Carolina, I know, but it seems like EVERYONE in North Carolina is a Panther fan. That is a lot of people. I can't hate on them -- until they start trying to bash the Giants, which many of them like to do -- as if the Panthers have won anything yet.
New Orleans Saints.
I love Saints fans. They are wild and boisterous. Everything surrounding the Saints is a party. Even before Katrina, these cats know how to do it. The Saints have been horrible most of their 40 years in the NFL, although they are looking good the past few years. Jim Mora (PLAYOFFS?!?!?!) made them somewhat respectable before his "we couldn't do... DIDDLY POO OFFENSIVELY..." speech following a loss to the second year Carolina Panthers in 1996 and immediate resignation. They weren't relevant again until 2006. However, the fans are great. Who can hate them?
Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
Bucs fans are somewhat similar to Dolphins fans, except they had an inferiority complex until the Bucs won it in 2002. It seems as though they are headed back to those days when they wore the sherbet jerseys and once went winless in a season (once Derrick Brooks... FROM?! and Jeff Garcia retire in the next year or two). I hate to say that, but they are not going anywhere soon. Once Gruden jumps (or gets pushed off) ship after this season, they are going to be bad. VERY BAD. Hope the Bucs fans enjoyed the ride with Dungy and Gruden winning with Dungy's players. Bucs fans don't bother anyone, though. Who has a problem with them? Even when the Giants came to town for the 2007-08 playoffs, they were bragging but were NERVOUS as well. They were nervous for good reason as it turns out. But since they have won a Super Bowl, they aren't exactly Chicago Cubs fans LOL
NFC West
Arizona Cardinals.
These guys have to be masochists or something. They have never come CLOSE to winning anything. They still aren't as of the 2008 season. How do they have fans? Have you ever known a Cardinal fan? I haven't either. What is life like for them? Do they work as collections agents to offset the pain that the other 31 teams in the NFL routinely inflict on their team? I don't get it. They have a brand new stadium and come close to selling it out, but I don't understand it. They have even begun bringing high priced free agents and nice talent in through the draft lately, but it hasn't materialized into anything but 8-8 seasons, as opposed to the typical 4-12, 5-11 seasons the Cardinals have had throughout my lifetime (except for the Roy Green and Neil Lomax years) and for that matter, their entire existence. I feel emo now.
St. Louis Rams.
The Rams fan is unique. The team was based in Anaheim for nearly 50 years before moving to St. Louis in 1994. The Los Angeles Rams had a decent history and their fans were loyal. The St. Louis Rams fans are fickle. They've jumped on and off ship like they were fishing by mouth. They were excited when the team came to town. Then they were losers for about five years. The fans left in droves. Then they snatched Marshall Faulk from the Colts in 1999 for the Colts to obtain the rights to draft Edgerrin James. Then Trent Green got blown up by Rodney Harrison and Kurt Warner, who had probably bagged my cousin Patrice's groceries in Iowa at one time, came in and led them to a Super Bowl. Next thing you know, they have the Greatest Show on Turf! People were rockin' Faulk jerseys left and right. The Rams had a lot of fans on the east coast, which is striking, given the east coast is where the NFL began and most people are entrenched in their fandom. Makes you wonder.
At any rate, the Rams are probably the worst team in the NFL in 2008 and will be for a while. We will see how this affects their fans. They are notorious for being fickle.
San Francisco 49ers.
I hated San Francisco growing up. I hated their fans, they were arrogant, much like Bill Walsh, Joe Montana, Steve Young and Jerry Rice were. They thought they were better than everyone else. Secretly, the 49ers were PETRIFIED of ever playing the Giants in the 1980s and early 1990s. They were able to avoid playing the Giants several times, but whenever they did (aside from one playoff blowout) they lost. Lawrence Taylor & Co. had that effect on all teams, no shame there. Now that they are pitiful, I have no pity for them. Let them suffer. They never had to from 1981-2002. That's a long time to never experience pain. And no, Joe Montana gettin' knocked the F out by Leonard Marshall in the 1990 NFC Championship game like he played on "Friday" doesn't count as pain. LOSING is pain. And you learn a lot more about yourself in losses than victories. So LEARN, 49er fan!
Seattle Seahawks.
Interesting bunch. They've never won. They've had decent teams. They've had horrible teams. They've been to the Super Bowl. They are loyal. But they are regional. Couple that with the fact they were rarely on national televised games, and you halfway wonder what a Seattle fan is like. Do they drink Starbuck's at the game? Do they instinctively pack a parka, umbrella and galoshes by Osh Kosh B'Gosh for every game? They ought to send that bald guy from National Geographic to investigate Nils the Seahawk fan to get the pulse of the Hawk Nation. We hardly know ye.
Next time (school schedule permitting) I'll be doing an NBA fandom characterization -- along with 2009 NFL Week 4 Bettor's Guide
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Dealing With The Control Freak In Your Life
Dealing With The Control Freak In Your Life
Dr. David B. Hawkins
The Relationship Doctor
Editor's Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family? Dr. David will address questions from Crosswalk readers in his weekly column. Submit your question to him at: TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.
You know them by the way they hem you in, making demands upon you. They have a “right” way of doing things and you better do it the way they say is “right” or else you face their criticism, shame and even disrespect.
Even while they judge you, they condemn judgmentalism. Even as they demand you play by their rules, they don’t want to play by any rules but their own. If you resist their demands, they insist you’re controlling, though deny they have issues with control.
Such is their high level of denial and seeming inability to look critically at themselves. Such is the narrow and restricted world of the Control Freak—a term used, perhaps pejoratively, about those who want to micro-manage our lives.
We’ve been talking for several weeks about CrazyMakers, and from the response I’m getting, many of you have one or more in your family, workplace, and even marriage. You have someone who makes you feel crazy, creating chaos in their path. We walk away from an encounter with an Egotist, Aggressor, Borderline, Sufferer and now Control Freak feeling tired, confused and angry. We wonder, “Is it me, or is it them? What just happened here?” as our emotions spin with frustration.
The Control Freak, the last of five Crazymakers we’re exploring, anxiously tries to hold onto the black and white world they have created. Often frustrated because people are not living up to their expectations, they hook us by trying to convince us their way is the only way to do things. Their narrow, rigid, dogmatic point of view can be the only way to see things, and if your point of view doesn’t match with theirs, you’re in trouble.
A recent email illustrates the problem:
Dear Dr. David. I’ve been following your series on Crazymakers, but you haven’t talked about the one that tries to control everything you do. My boyfriend, who actually seems to fit several groups, fits that category. He is manipulative, angry and very controlling.
My problem is that he tries to tell me how to live my life, all the way from telling me how to dress, how to interact with my parents, what kind of job to get and most definitely, how to treat him. Whenever I resist his directions, he calls me “spoiled” or “childish.” When I push back harder, he tells me I’m controlling, which is the word that describes him.
I have tried, time and again, to point out to him what he is doing. He never gets it. I keep looking for new ways to explain to him what he’s doing. Nothing seems to work. I’m wondering if you have any tips on how I can get him to back off, recognize all that I do for him, and help him see that he pushes people away by being so demanding. Please help.
I do have several suggestions for you and those struggling to gain independence from the Control Freak. Actually, these strategies are equally effective with the rest of our cast of Crazymaking characters.
First, we must come alive and pay attention to what the Control Freak is doing. They aren’t aware of what they’re doing, and much of the time we’re not aware of what they’re doing either. In fact, we’re often not aware of how we’re stuck in a disastrous pattern of reacting to the Control Freak. The Control Freak expects allegiance, and those of us with a tendency to please get caught in the trap of trying to keep them happy. Notice how these strategies don’t work.
Second, break their spell. Controlling people can be very convincing, enticing you to go along with their game plan and then resenting them. Notice their tactics, their anxious dogmatism. Then, instead of debating and defending your position, simply look at them and say “What?” This simple question allows you to step back, for a moment, and ask what exactly they are trying to say. It gives you a moment to ask if you really buy what they’re selling.
Third, think for yourself. After breaking their spell, you begin the process of thinking for yourself. You question the bill of goods they are so desperately trying to sell you. Simply say, “I don’t agree with you,” and notice the difference this step makes.
Fourth, don’t debate. Don’t ever debate, defend or explain yourself. Don’t get hooked in that trap. Don’t try to talk them out of their position—it won’t work. Don’t try to make them accept your position—that will not work either. Allow it to be okay to simply see things differently.
Fifth, do ask for validation. After learning to disagree and discovering that you can survive, ask for validation of your point of view. Ask them to state your point of view before launching ahead with their position. Understand that they may not get it, but it’s worth a try.
Sixth, talk about their anxiety. For example, if they are anxious about you traveling for work, ask them if they are anxious about your faithfulness. If they are anxious about money, talk about money in terms of anxiety. Empathize with their anxiety rather than trying to talk them out of their feelings.
Finally, set healthy boundaries. Learning to set healthy boundaries is a great way of flinging back the Control Freaks’ hook. Let them know you will listen to their concerns and will even validate them. However, you won’t march in lockstep to their demands. You will be practicing stating your preferences and are happy to hear their preferences. Find small ways to make it clear that you are a separate individual.
Whether you feel paralyzed by an Aggressor, exhausted with a Sufferer, or feeling hemmed in by a Control Freak, you have a job to do. You must extract yourself from their grasp. You must decide what impact your particular Crazymaker is having on you, learn how you become hooked, and then fling the hook—again and again—respectfully! Don’t allow yourself to be victimized, becoming resentful and angry. We are not to be in bondage to anyone. Remind yourself of the words of Jesus:
“The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.” (Luke 4: 18)
Please share your story with us. How have you found freedom from a CrazyMaker? What has worked and what hasn’t?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
David Hawkins, Ph.D., is the founder of the Marriage Recovery Center. He has worked with couples and families to improve the quality of their lives by resolving personal issues for the last 30 years. He is the author of over 18 books, including Love Lost: Living Beyond a Broken Marriage, Saying It So He'll Listen, and When Pleasing Others Is Hurting You. His newest books are titled The Relationship Doctor's Prescription for Healing a Hurting Relationship and The Relationship Doctor's Prescription for Living Beyond Guilt. Dr. Hawkins grew up in the beautiful Pacific Northwest and lives with his wife on the South Puget Sound where he enjoys sailing, biking, and skiing. He has active practices in two Washington cities.
Dr. David B. Hawkins
The Relationship Doctor
Editor's Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family? Dr. David will address questions from Crosswalk readers in his weekly column. Submit your question to him at: TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.
You know them by the way they hem you in, making demands upon you. They have a “right” way of doing things and you better do it the way they say is “right” or else you face their criticism, shame and even disrespect.
Even while they judge you, they condemn judgmentalism. Even as they demand you play by their rules, they don’t want to play by any rules but their own. If you resist their demands, they insist you’re controlling, though deny they have issues with control.
Such is their high level of denial and seeming inability to look critically at themselves. Such is the narrow and restricted world of the Control Freak—a term used, perhaps pejoratively, about those who want to micro-manage our lives.
We’ve been talking for several weeks about CrazyMakers, and from the response I’m getting, many of you have one or more in your family, workplace, and even marriage. You have someone who makes you feel crazy, creating chaos in their path. We walk away from an encounter with an Egotist, Aggressor, Borderline, Sufferer and now Control Freak feeling tired, confused and angry. We wonder, “Is it me, or is it them? What just happened here?” as our emotions spin with frustration.
The Control Freak, the last of five Crazymakers we’re exploring, anxiously tries to hold onto the black and white world they have created. Often frustrated because people are not living up to their expectations, they hook us by trying to convince us their way is the only way to do things. Their narrow, rigid, dogmatic point of view can be the only way to see things, and if your point of view doesn’t match with theirs, you’re in trouble.
A recent email illustrates the problem:
Dear Dr. David. I’ve been following your series on Crazymakers, but you haven’t talked about the one that tries to control everything you do. My boyfriend, who actually seems to fit several groups, fits that category. He is manipulative, angry and very controlling.
My problem is that he tries to tell me how to live my life, all the way from telling me how to dress, how to interact with my parents, what kind of job to get and most definitely, how to treat him. Whenever I resist his directions, he calls me “spoiled” or “childish.” When I push back harder, he tells me I’m controlling, which is the word that describes him.
I have tried, time and again, to point out to him what he is doing. He never gets it. I keep looking for new ways to explain to him what he’s doing. Nothing seems to work. I’m wondering if you have any tips on how I can get him to back off, recognize all that I do for him, and help him see that he pushes people away by being so demanding. Please help.
I do have several suggestions for you and those struggling to gain independence from the Control Freak. Actually, these strategies are equally effective with the rest of our cast of Crazymaking characters.
First, we must come alive and pay attention to what the Control Freak is doing. They aren’t aware of what they’re doing, and much of the time we’re not aware of what they’re doing either. In fact, we’re often not aware of how we’re stuck in a disastrous pattern of reacting to the Control Freak. The Control Freak expects allegiance, and those of us with a tendency to please get caught in the trap of trying to keep them happy. Notice how these strategies don’t work.
Second, break their spell. Controlling people can be very convincing, enticing you to go along with their game plan and then resenting them. Notice their tactics, their anxious dogmatism. Then, instead of debating and defending your position, simply look at them and say “What?” This simple question allows you to step back, for a moment, and ask what exactly they are trying to say. It gives you a moment to ask if you really buy what they’re selling.
Third, think for yourself. After breaking their spell, you begin the process of thinking for yourself. You question the bill of goods they are so desperately trying to sell you. Simply say, “I don’t agree with you,” and notice the difference this step makes.
Fourth, don’t debate. Don’t ever debate, defend or explain yourself. Don’t get hooked in that trap. Don’t try to talk them out of their position—it won’t work. Don’t try to make them accept your position—that will not work either. Allow it to be okay to simply see things differently.
Fifth, do ask for validation. After learning to disagree and discovering that you can survive, ask for validation of your point of view. Ask them to state your point of view before launching ahead with their position. Understand that they may not get it, but it’s worth a try.
Sixth, talk about their anxiety. For example, if they are anxious about you traveling for work, ask them if they are anxious about your faithfulness. If they are anxious about money, talk about money in terms of anxiety. Empathize with their anxiety rather than trying to talk them out of their feelings.
Finally, set healthy boundaries. Learning to set healthy boundaries is a great way of flinging back the Control Freaks’ hook. Let them know you will listen to their concerns and will even validate them. However, you won’t march in lockstep to their demands. You will be practicing stating your preferences and are happy to hear their preferences. Find small ways to make it clear that you are a separate individual.
Whether you feel paralyzed by an Aggressor, exhausted with a Sufferer, or feeling hemmed in by a Control Freak, you have a job to do. You must extract yourself from their grasp. You must decide what impact your particular Crazymaker is having on you, learn how you become hooked, and then fling the hook—again and again—respectfully! Don’t allow yourself to be victimized, becoming resentful and angry. We are not to be in bondage to anyone. Remind yourself of the words of Jesus:
“The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.” (Luke 4: 18)
Please share your story with us. How have you found freedom from a CrazyMaker? What has worked and what hasn’t?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
David Hawkins, Ph.D., is the founder of the Marriage Recovery Center. He has worked with couples and families to improve the quality of their lives by resolving personal issues for the last 30 years. He is the author of over 18 books, including Love Lost: Living Beyond a Broken Marriage, Saying It So He'll Listen, and When Pleasing Others Is Hurting You. His newest books are titled The Relationship Doctor's Prescription for Healing a Hurting Relationship and The Relationship Doctor's Prescription for Living Beyond Guilt. Dr. Hawkins grew up in the beautiful Pacific Northwest and lives with his wife on the South Puget Sound where he enjoys sailing, biking, and skiing. He has active practices in two Washington cities.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
He Said-She Said: An Acceptable Age Difference In Dating Relationships
He Said-She Said: An Acceptable Age Difference In Dating Relationships
By Cliff Young & Laura MacCorkle
Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer & Senior Editor
EDITOR’S NOTE: Each He Said-She Said column features a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you’ve got a question about anything related to singleness, please CLICK HERE to submit (selected questions will be posted anonymously).
QUESTION: Should a woman in her late twenties pursue a godly relationship with a man in his early twenties? Is there an acceptable age difference?
HE SAID: In a way, this is like asking “How much money do I need to retire?” Many thoughts, besides age, should be considered in answering such a question.
Age alone is not a determining factor of the compatibility of two people. The emotional, mental, and spiritual maturity of each individual is much more important. In general, males mature at a later age than females. (This is probably the excuse many older men use in order to “chase” younger women.) Although you may think your circumstance is different, take the time to observe a person over time and in different situations. First impressions can be misleading.
Along the same line, does a man in his early twenties have his priorities, focus, and career in order? Many guys at that age think they do—I did. However, at this stage, a man is just beginning to experience life, he’s starting to see what is in the world, and he’s finding out who he is and what he wants to do.
Spirituality plays the greatest role in a godly relationship.
Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart (2 Timothy 2:22).
Is the man pursuing righteousness and ready to be the spiritual leader in a relationship? Is he ready to sacrifice some of his freedom, time and desires in order to reciprocate in a relationship? Will this relationship bring you both closer to God?
Just for fun, I Googled “woman pursue a man” and received over 17 million results! This seems to be a popular question.
What is your definition of “pursue”?
Does it mean letting him know that you are available?
Does it mean walking up to him to initiate communication?
Does it mean acknowledging you have interest in him?
If this is true for you, then there is nothing wrong in letting someone know you are unattached and interested. In this busy world we live in, sometimes we (I’m speaking for some guys, including myself) miss signals that are right in front of us. I would be flattered to know someone is interested in me and had the forthright to initiate contact.
However, if your definition of “pursue” is this:
Does it mean tracking down his phone number and calling him?
Does it mean asking him out on a date? Or dates?
Does it eventually mean asking him to marry you?
Then, I would caution you.
If the man knows you are available and interested in him, but isn’t pursuing, this is an indication of how he feels.
Maybe he thinks the age difference is insurmountable or something he isn’t ready for.
Maybe he isn’t interested at all.
Maybe he isn’t ready for a relationship.
Maybe he doesn’t have the guts to ask you out (not a good sign).
Most men want to be the “hunter.” It is in our blood to see something we desire and to go out and get it (Ok, conquer it … I said it). When pursued, the flattery that was felt earlier quickly changes to questions of:
“Why is she asking me out?
Is she desperate?
Is there something wrong with her?
Does she feel as if time is running out for her?”
As a long-time single, my hope for a mate is in God’s hands. He has shown me through His continual faithfulness that He knows what is best for me. Although I have experienced some disappointments along the way, I have been protected from relationships that were not right for me; I just see it as God’s grace. Several Scripture passages have helped me often throughout the years.
He that finds a wife finds a good thing (Proverbs 18:22).
With God’s help, I will be the one who finds a wife (not the other way around) and when I do, it will be amazing!
Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is worth more than precious rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She will not hinder him, but help him all her life (Proverbs 31:10-12).
Wow! I want to look for and find this kind of wife. Why wouldn’t I want to wait for the right one?!
There are verses in the Bible where women take the lead, but they are not the type of women I would want to be with.
He was walking down the street near the corner on the road leading to her house. … Then the woman approached him … So I have come out to meet you; I have been looking for you and have found you (Proverbs 7:8, 10, 15).
I empathize with you. I really do. What I have found to be true in my life is that God’s plan and design never feels contrived or forced. If you have to ask if there is an “appropriate age difference,” then I believe you already know the answer in your heart.
SHE SAID: I’ll have to start out my answer on a personal note, since I know a thing or two about age differences when it comes to relationships.
I’ve had dating relationships where there have been significant gaps in age and ones where there have been differences of only a few years or less. Some men have been older than me, while others have been younger. I guess you could say I’m an “equal-opportunity dater.” Well, as long as no gold medallion necklaces, pointy boots or mountain-man beards are involved (sorry!).
In hindsight, the closer in age I have been to those I’ve dated then the easier the relationships have seemed to go. Surely, there were other factors involved to determine the success and duration of each relationship (faith, maturity, interests, values, goals, etc.). But I think that a significant age difference can also make or break a relationship.
As believers, we don’t really find a clear answer for your question in Scripture. Thus far, I’ve only found references to relationships or marriages where the man is older than the woman. And to my knowledge, I don’t think that there are any biblical examples of older women in dating or marital relationships with younger men. So I am left with the world around me (and perhaps a little common sense and hopefully some divine inspiration) from which to draw.
I suppose a significant age difference in a relationship (with the woman being older than the man) is more culturally acceptable these days, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good thing. You would have to investigate on a relationship-by-relationship basis to see what works for some and what doesn’t work for others.
The more I think about this, though, I’m drawing the conclusion that an age difference is more of a “red light” factor when two people are younger. If one partner is 20 and the other is 28 or 29, that can be a problem. Considering how men and women mature at different rates, will a 20-year-old man be able to lead in a relationship with a woman who is pushing 30?
Another consideration is upbringing. Some are taught to be responsible, while others are coddled. So it’s likely you could have a very mature 20-year-old man who was raised to lead and do his part. Or you could have the opposite: A 20-year-old man who has more of a “victim’s mentality”—meaning his problems are always identified as the fault of others and no personal responsibility is taken whatsoever. In this type of individual, you’ll usually find someone who is floundering (and maybe always will be). If you date or marry him, you will likely end up being his mother.
So, where am I leading with all of this? Well, assuming that there are about seven to nine years between you and the young man in question, I am saying that you have a lot to evaluate before going forward (assuming he is the one who will be pursuing you).
If you have considered the compatibility of your maturity levels and if you have been able to observe this young man in various scenarios and you are at peace with what you’ve experienced, then I would proceed with caution. Remain friends until you feel certain that he is mature enough to lead a woman such as yourself in a godly relationship. And then, perhaps, proceed to dating.
But before you do, spend some time chewing on this …
What do your friends and family think? Are they sources of accountability and do you seek their counsel?
Do you think that this young man is mature enough to lead a late twenty-something woman in a godly relationship? And beyond that, in marriage?
Have you observed this young man enough to witness his speech, his actions and how he treats others?
Who are his friends and how do they treat one another? Are they people you would want to spend time with, too?
Is he a man of his word? Does he have a good reputation? Has he made a life for himself and have something to show for it?
Does he hold leadership positions either at work, in the community or at church?
If he is just starting out in his career or finishing up school and you are already established in your career, will this be a source of tension when it comes to respect? And submission?
Should you decide to marry and if you are ready to begin a family, will he be ready to have children as soon as you are?
Does this young man respect the elders in his life (family, supervisors at work, church leaders, authority in general)?
What is his relationship like with his mother? Does he honor her and treat her with kindness? Is his relationship with his father healthy?
Is this young man a respected leader in his family? Does he contribute to “the drama” or does he help to bring resolution to critical family situations?
These are good starter questions to get you thinking about various issues. An age difference doesn’t have to be a deal breaker, but it can certainly contribute to a relationship not being successful.
You will have to determine if this is the path down which the Lord is leading you. Or if this is a path down which you are taking yourself. There may not be any cautionary red lights for you right now, but if there are then please don’t ignore them. And don’t try to force something into being that is not of the Lord.
He will show you (and give you confirmation through prayer, the godly counsel of family and friends, study in the Word) if this age difference is acceptable in his sight for you.
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12:1-2).
HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.
SHE is … Laura MacCorkle, Crosswalk.com’s Senior Entertainment Editor. It is possible that she has never had the chicken pox, has definitely chowed down on some locust shells, has auditioned for a role in a Lou Diamond Phillips movie and once shook the hand of legendary Dallas Cowboys coach Tom Landry.
DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We’re just average folk who understand what it’s like to live the solo life in the 21st century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life’s questions, and it’s where we’ll go for guidance when responding to your questions.
GOT A QUESTION? If you’ve got a question about anything related to living the single life, PLEASE SUBMIT HERE (selected questions will be posted anonymously). While we are unable to answer every inquiry, we do hope that He Said-She Said will be an encouragement to you.
**This column first published on September 4, 2008.
By Cliff Young & Laura MacCorkle
Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer & Senior Editor
EDITOR’S NOTE: Each He Said-She Said column features a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you’ve got a question about anything related to singleness, please CLICK HERE to submit (selected questions will be posted anonymously).
QUESTION: Should a woman in her late twenties pursue a godly relationship with a man in his early twenties? Is there an acceptable age difference?
HE SAID: In a way, this is like asking “How much money do I need to retire?” Many thoughts, besides age, should be considered in answering such a question.
Age alone is not a determining factor of the compatibility of two people. The emotional, mental, and spiritual maturity of each individual is much more important. In general, males mature at a later age than females. (This is probably the excuse many older men use in order to “chase” younger women.) Although you may think your circumstance is different, take the time to observe a person over time and in different situations. First impressions can be misleading.
Along the same line, does a man in his early twenties have his priorities, focus, and career in order? Many guys at that age think they do—I did. However, at this stage, a man is just beginning to experience life, he’s starting to see what is in the world, and he’s finding out who he is and what he wants to do.
Spirituality plays the greatest role in a godly relationship.
Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart (2 Timothy 2:22).
Is the man pursuing righteousness and ready to be the spiritual leader in a relationship? Is he ready to sacrifice some of his freedom, time and desires in order to reciprocate in a relationship? Will this relationship bring you both closer to God?
Just for fun, I Googled “woman pursue a man” and received over 17 million results! This seems to be a popular question.
What is your definition of “pursue”?
Does it mean letting him know that you are available?
Does it mean walking up to him to initiate communication?
Does it mean acknowledging you have interest in him?
If this is true for you, then there is nothing wrong in letting someone know you are unattached and interested. In this busy world we live in, sometimes we (I’m speaking for some guys, including myself) miss signals that are right in front of us. I would be flattered to know someone is interested in me and had the forthright to initiate contact.
However, if your definition of “pursue” is this:
Does it mean tracking down his phone number and calling him?
Does it mean asking him out on a date? Or dates?
Does it eventually mean asking him to marry you?
Then, I would caution you.
If the man knows you are available and interested in him, but isn’t pursuing, this is an indication of how he feels.
Maybe he thinks the age difference is insurmountable or something he isn’t ready for.
Maybe he isn’t interested at all.
Maybe he isn’t ready for a relationship.
Maybe he doesn’t have the guts to ask you out (not a good sign).
Most men want to be the “hunter.” It is in our blood to see something we desire and to go out and get it (Ok, conquer it … I said it). When pursued, the flattery that was felt earlier quickly changes to questions of:
“Why is she asking me out?
Is she desperate?
Is there something wrong with her?
Does she feel as if time is running out for her?”
As a long-time single, my hope for a mate is in God’s hands. He has shown me through His continual faithfulness that He knows what is best for me. Although I have experienced some disappointments along the way, I have been protected from relationships that were not right for me; I just see it as God’s grace. Several Scripture passages have helped me often throughout the years.
He that finds a wife finds a good thing (Proverbs 18:22).
With God’s help, I will be the one who finds a wife (not the other way around) and when I do, it will be amazing!
Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is worth more than precious rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She will not hinder him, but help him all her life (Proverbs 31:10-12).
Wow! I want to look for and find this kind of wife. Why wouldn’t I want to wait for the right one?!
There are verses in the Bible where women take the lead, but they are not the type of women I would want to be with.
He was walking down the street near the corner on the road leading to her house. … Then the woman approached him … So I have come out to meet you; I have been looking for you and have found you (Proverbs 7:8, 10, 15).
I empathize with you. I really do. What I have found to be true in my life is that God’s plan and design never feels contrived or forced. If you have to ask if there is an “appropriate age difference,” then I believe you already know the answer in your heart.
SHE SAID: I’ll have to start out my answer on a personal note, since I know a thing or two about age differences when it comes to relationships.
I’ve had dating relationships where there have been significant gaps in age and ones where there have been differences of only a few years or less. Some men have been older than me, while others have been younger. I guess you could say I’m an “equal-opportunity dater.” Well, as long as no gold medallion necklaces, pointy boots or mountain-man beards are involved (sorry!).
In hindsight, the closer in age I have been to those I’ve dated then the easier the relationships have seemed to go. Surely, there were other factors involved to determine the success and duration of each relationship (faith, maturity, interests, values, goals, etc.). But I think that a significant age difference can also make or break a relationship.
As believers, we don’t really find a clear answer for your question in Scripture. Thus far, I’ve only found references to relationships or marriages where the man is older than the woman. And to my knowledge, I don’t think that there are any biblical examples of older women in dating or marital relationships with younger men. So I am left with the world around me (and perhaps a little common sense and hopefully some divine inspiration) from which to draw.
I suppose a significant age difference in a relationship (with the woman being older than the man) is more culturally acceptable these days, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good thing. You would have to investigate on a relationship-by-relationship basis to see what works for some and what doesn’t work for others.
The more I think about this, though, I’m drawing the conclusion that an age difference is more of a “red light” factor when two people are younger. If one partner is 20 and the other is 28 or 29, that can be a problem. Considering how men and women mature at different rates, will a 20-year-old man be able to lead in a relationship with a woman who is pushing 30?
Another consideration is upbringing. Some are taught to be responsible, while others are coddled. So it’s likely you could have a very mature 20-year-old man who was raised to lead and do his part. Or you could have the opposite: A 20-year-old man who has more of a “victim’s mentality”—meaning his problems are always identified as the fault of others and no personal responsibility is taken whatsoever. In this type of individual, you’ll usually find someone who is floundering (and maybe always will be). If you date or marry him, you will likely end up being his mother.
So, where am I leading with all of this? Well, assuming that there are about seven to nine years between you and the young man in question, I am saying that you have a lot to evaluate before going forward (assuming he is the one who will be pursuing you).
If you have considered the compatibility of your maturity levels and if you have been able to observe this young man in various scenarios and you are at peace with what you’ve experienced, then I would proceed with caution. Remain friends until you feel certain that he is mature enough to lead a woman such as yourself in a godly relationship. And then, perhaps, proceed to dating.
But before you do, spend some time chewing on this …
What do your friends and family think? Are they sources of accountability and do you seek their counsel?
Do you think that this young man is mature enough to lead a late twenty-something woman in a godly relationship? And beyond that, in marriage?
Have you observed this young man enough to witness his speech, his actions and how he treats others?
Who are his friends and how do they treat one another? Are they people you would want to spend time with, too?
Is he a man of his word? Does he have a good reputation? Has he made a life for himself and have something to show for it?
Does he hold leadership positions either at work, in the community or at church?
If he is just starting out in his career or finishing up school and you are already established in your career, will this be a source of tension when it comes to respect? And submission?
Should you decide to marry and if you are ready to begin a family, will he be ready to have children as soon as you are?
Does this young man respect the elders in his life (family, supervisors at work, church leaders, authority in general)?
What is his relationship like with his mother? Does he honor her and treat her with kindness? Is his relationship with his father healthy?
Is this young man a respected leader in his family? Does he contribute to “the drama” or does he help to bring resolution to critical family situations?
These are good starter questions to get you thinking about various issues. An age difference doesn’t have to be a deal breaker, but it can certainly contribute to a relationship not being successful.
You will have to determine if this is the path down which the Lord is leading you. Or if this is a path down which you are taking yourself. There may not be any cautionary red lights for you right now, but if there are then please don’t ignore them. And don’t try to force something into being that is not of the Lord.
He will show you (and give you confirmation through prayer, the godly counsel of family and friends, study in the Word) if this age difference is acceptable in his sight for you.
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12:1-2).
HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.
SHE is … Laura MacCorkle, Crosswalk.com’s Senior Entertainment Editor. It is possible that she has never had the chicken pox, has definitely chowed down on some locust shells, has auditioned for a role in a Lou Diamond Phillips movie and once shook the hand of legendary Dallas Cowboys coach Tom Landry.
DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We’re just average folk who understand what it’s like to live the solo life in the 21st century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life’s questions, and it’s where we’ll go for guidance when responding to your questions.
GOT A QUESTION? If you’ve got a question about anything related to living the single life, PLEASE SUBMIT HERE (selected questions will be posted anonymously). While we are unable to answer every inquiry, we do hope that He Said-She Said will be an encouragement to you.
**This column first published on September 4, 2008.
Marrying Your 'Soul Mate': Does Such a Person Exist?
Marrying Your 'Soul Mate': Does Such a Person Exist?
By Edward M. Tauber & Jim Smoke
Authors, Finding the Right One After Divorce
A great marriage is not when the “perfect couple” come together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences. ~ Dave Meurer
Unfortunately, some people use very strange criteria in making their decision about who to marry. They have some limited set of characteristics in their heads that tell them when they’ve found Mr. or Ms. Right. How often have you heard someone say, “I’m getting married because I found my soul mate”?
He Knows My Inner Being
Never fully defined in any literature, the term “soul mate” is used by people as if we all clearly understood what is meant. We have asked a number of people to explain what a soul mate is. We never get the same answer. Nevertheless, it’s a popular buzzword. Some definitions of a soul mate is a person who…
has the same background as you.
thinks like you.
understands you.
knows you before even really knowing you.
knows you better than you know yourself.
you can talk with for hours even when you first meet.
has the same interests and hobbies as you.
has your best interests at heart.
Others say a soul mate…
sees into your inner being.
is like the missing half of you.
is a perfect match for you.
is your twin or counterpart.
is the one, true person for you.
immediately connects with you.
If you think there is only one person out there who is the right one for you, you are vulnerable to marry when you think you have found that person. There is much evidence that there are likely many people in the world who would make an acceptable mate for you. The risk of thinking otherwise is that when you believe you have found “the one,” you abandon all sensibility and are driven to marry that person. Some people believe in soul mates because of their divorce experience. It didn’t work with my ex because he was the “wrong one.” Now I will go and find the right one, who will be the opposite of my ex.
Since you believe there is such a thing as the one soul mate in the world for you, you have some preconceived notions in mind. Some people are searching for someone “just like me.” Others believe that someone is their soul mate if they have similar backgrounds, thoughts, or views. Still others believe they will intuitively know a soul mate by their connectedness to them. We’re not saying that having things in common isn’t important. Quite the contrary, it is very relevant in a successful marriage. The problem comes when you are on a mission to find an individual who has one or a few narrow set of similarities or characteristics, and you take it as a sign to marry.
Finding a soul mate is a great start, but people are multidimensional. You cannot judge a person as right for you because he or she has certain similarities or just seems tuned in to you. Now you need to spend considerable time learning all about other aspects, such as the differences between you, the habits and quirks he has, any shared values, dreams, goals, opinions, and so forth. Don’t fall into the trap of the “soul mate mentality” and think someone is right just based on initial impressions.
When He Said Soul Mate, I Knew…
Sheila was married for 17 years to an advertising executive who was never at home. Their marriage happened because she got pregnant during their dating phase, and they got married to legitimize their offspring. Sheila had three children by the age of 36. The lack of availability of her husband drove Sheila to have an affair with the husband of a friend. This relationship went on undetected for four years before Sheila finally decided she could not handle the strain any longer. At that point she asked for a divorce. Once divorced, the friend’s husband quickly backed out of their tryst. She was suddenly available and a threat to his current marriage.
Sheila did not date for more than a year. Then she began to go out with some men from the office. She expanded this to men friends recommended. This intensive dating went on for more than three years. At first, Sheila didn’t want to remarry, and she gave off that vibe. However, as time passed, she became more and more frustrated. She decided she needed to find her soul mate. When asked what such a man would be like, she answered by saying, “He will know me better than I know myself.” We heard nothing more from her until a friend said she met a man and got engaged.
Later, Sheila said Phil was the man she had been searching for. She knew he was “the one” when he opened the car door for her. He wasn’t like the others she had dated. She and Phil immediately hit it off when he told her he was looking for his soul mate. That triggered a discussion for hours. They were of one accord. Sheila did marry Phil, almost immediately. Problems began early because Phil was about to be laid off at work, something he failed to mention during courtship. This put an immediate strain on the marriage. Phil had to sell his home, and they had to move into a small apartment. The pressures eventually forced Sheila to realize that Phil was not her “soul mate,” and she filed for divorce.
Sheila let herself become a victim of the “soul mate mentality.” After intensively dating men with her attitude of “I’m not interested,” she suddenly got desperate and devised a simple formula for deciding when to get married. They would both be of one accord—meaning he would be looking for a soul mate, too. Phil fit the bill, and his gentlemanly courtship behavior was icing on the cake. No need to dig any further in learning more about him or determining if they were compatible in various areas. Being in tune with each other was enough.
We’re Just Alike
Andy and Joyce had led a hard life until they met. Andy married a girl in high school, divorced before 19, and dropped out of college at 20. He had one job after another. He never could earn enough money to even afford to take someone out on a date. He moved back home to live with his mother. This made things worse because his self-esteem dropped even further. His older sister and brother were both successful professionals, which was salt in his wound. From early childhood, Andy’s mother acted as if she thought Andy was a loser. He’d had poor grades in high school, a failed marriage, a failed college career, and a failing business career all before the age of 25. The more he failed at something, the more his mother reinforced that he was a loser. He acted out her script of a person who could do nothing right. It was a vicious cycle of negative feedback and failure.
Andy met Joyce when a mutual friend suggested they would have a lot in common. Sure enough, the friend was correct. Joyce had grown up in the same town, yet she and Andy had never met. When they began comparing notes, they found tremendous similarities. Joyce’s mother was a very controlling woman who judged Joyce and always found her lacking. No matter what Joyce did or accomplished, it was never good enough for her mother. As a result, Joyce had developed an overeating problem in her teen years. Whenever she tried to lose weight, some conflict would develop with her mother and cause a setback. Even when Joyce went away to college, her “failure in her head” mentality kept her from achieving what she knew she was capable of. Joyce had even tried marriage. In her sophomore year, she married a graduate student who left her after seven months. She attributed the marriage debacle to her eating disorder. She always blamed herself for whatever went wrong.
Andy and Joyce saw in each other some amazing similarities that they interpreted as signs that they were meant for each other. Their relationship seemed to help them, too, because instead of dragging each other down, they were mutually supportive. For the first time, they began to feel good about themselves. There were some red flags, however. Occasionally, if Joyce became depressed, Andy couldn’t handle it. They even separated one time because of this. Another problem was that Joyce was Catholic and Andy was Jewish. Joyce’s mother was totally opposed to the couple marrying. Also, Joyce wanted children, and Andy wasn’t sure. He’d had so much trouble as a child, he didn’t know if he could be a good father.
In spite of these issues, the couple believed that their similarities were the signal that they were right for each other. Joyce was happy to act in opposition to the wishes of her domineering mother. Andy and Joyce’s marriage lasted 11 years, but most of the final 6 were stress-filled. Joyce had again retreated to her illness of overeating, which caused tension in the marriage. Andy continued his struggle to hold a job for more than a year at a time. His out-of-work periods created great financial strain on the marriage. They were not the only ones to suffer from the marriage failure. They had a child who was constantly caught in the middle of the downward spiral of his parents. Some years after the divorce, Joyce committed suicide.
Andy and Joyce were a sad couple who identified with each other’s circumstances and mindsets. Two halves don’t make a whole, but they thought so. Andy was not ready to care for and support another wife. Joyce was still struggling with her overeating disease and was far from mentally healthy. They ignored all the red flags that were obvious to both of them. No doubt, they each believed no one else would have them, and so this was their one opportunity to remarry. When you find someone who has some similarities to you, it is not enough of a basis for a healthy marriage. Andy and Joyce confused similar backgrounds, conditions, and problems with shared interests, dreams, and goals. They had none of those.
His Children Caused Our Divorce
Belinda married a man when she was in her twenties, and it didn’t work out. He told her she was smarter than he was; she made him feel inferior. Belinda was smart, talented, and beautiful. For some men, that’s a threat.
By her mid-thirties, Belinda married again. This time she picked an older man, Frank, who was a senior executive at the company where she worked. He had also been married before and had three sons—two who were teenagers and the third of college age. Belinda had no children, and she had originally worried how well she might be accepted by Frank’s children. As it turned out, they seemed to love her and she blended in well with his family. All went fine until the couple began to squabble. In these instances, Frank would drag his sons into the fight, and they took sides with him. It got so bad that Belinda demanded that the three boys not be allowed in their home. The friction was aggravating an already deteriorating situation. This angered Frank and brought everything to a head. Eventually Frank and Belinda divorced. She told all her friends that she would never again marry a man with children. In fact, she felt so strongly about this that she would not even consider dating someone who was divorced with kids.
Mark had recently moved to town and joined the church where Belinda attended. Mark had never been married and was a little younger than Belinda. When she met him, she set her sights on him as the next “Mr. Belinda.” Nothing would get in her way. He was the perfect candidate. Never married, no children, and no baggage—she thought. They were married, and Belinda found out differently after the wedding. She had never asked if he had children and only found out when she accidentally opened an envelope from one of his past live-ins asking for child support money. Mark had (intentionally) failed to mention that he had lived with two women and had fathered a child with one. He had been too ashamed to tell her this during their short courtship.
Belinda “learned” from her first marriage that a man who has children is not a good husband. She, therefore, concluded that if she could find a man who has no children, she should seriously consider marrying him. This so-called “learning” came about from not allowing enough time to understand what really went wrong in her first marriage and, instead, blaming the presence of her husband’s children for the breakup.
The One-Dimensional Match
What do these stories have in common? They may seem very different, but they are all examples of having one dimension in mind as a trigger for concluding, “I have found the right one. I am ready to remarry.” Sheila was searching for the illusive soul mate. This thinking focused her on a limited dimension of a prospective spouse—someone whom she would immediately “recognize” as her soul mate. This kept her from examining all aspects of her relationship with Phil. How could she be aware of any negative factors with him after concluding from the start “he’s the one”? When you jump to a conclusion that fast, you are assuming all other aspects are irrelevant or will magically work out.
Andy and Joyce identified one important aspect in their lives that they had in common—others thought they were losers. They had become convinced themselves, and so immediately decided to huddle together against the world. Anyone who is feeling so incomplete and inadequate should not consider marriage in that condition. If you already feel like a failure, there is nothing worse than to jump into another marriage, get another divorce, and “prove” it to yourself all over again. You don’t have to have the intense mental problems Joyce had. The normal emotional stress of a divorce can place you in the same condition. This story is not a case of rescue. It’s a case of believing you should marry someone because he or she is in the same predicament you are. Misery loves company.
When you divorce, you immediately look for the culprit. With a lot of time passed, you will see things differently. You will learn what you contributed to your marriage failing. Time helps us see more clearly when the anger and grieving are past. If you don’t wait for that time to elapse before doing a post-mortem on the marriage, you are likely to conclude something very narrow like Belinda did: The divorce occurred because her husband had children. Armed with this “fact,” she set out to find a childless husband replacement.
The Perfect Person
We have heard many other versions of this story—where a divorced individual has a “perfect” person in mind. The ideal usually relates to one attribute—often the reverse of what the ex-spouse had. He doesn’t drink. She won’t be such a religious fanatic. He won’t travel in his job. She won’t have an ex-husband who lives in town. From these examples, you can write the story about what happened in the previous marriage. Is it wrong to be concerned about issues such as these, especially if they were a problem in your past marriage? No, of course not. The problem is one-dimensional searching: When you are so focused on one issue you tend to ignore other things. Because someone you date has or doesn’t have the characteristic you are looking for is no guarantee of success in marriage. You still have to do the hard work and allow the time to make sure he or she has other good qualities and not any horrible ones. You also have to be observant of the dynamics between you. How do you two interact in various circumstances? What does he do that causes conflict? How does she behave when under pressure? To gauge all of this takes time, an open mind, and an objective attitude. It sounds cold and calculating, but remember, divorce is painful and affects your entire family.
Sign of an Unhealed Divorce
Another reason that single-dimension searching is a problem is that it is a sign of an unhealed divorce. Think about it. Sheila sought a soul mate believing that was what was missing in her prior marriage. She was frantically dating. She was frustrated and desperate. Does this sound like a woman who has allowed time to pass and worked through her problems to become healthy and independent?
Then we have Andy and Joyce, two people who needed to get their own acts together before putting their problems on each other. They were each still struggling with low self-esteem from childhood, which was reinforced in their previous divorces. Andy was still living at home with mom. Joyce was unable to control overeating, a clue that she was not well.
Finally, Belinda had gone through two marriages and was still confused about what had happened. When you are still blaming someone else for the failure of your marriage, you need to remain in recovery and accept what you did and learn forgiveness. Belinda wasn’t close to accomplishing that. She was still playing the blame game.
If you are on a one-track search for Mr. or Ms. Right, you are not ready to remarry. Don’t get confused when you date that because someone has what you deem desirable similarities to you, this is enough of a basis for marrying.
Are You at Risk?
Searching for a soul mate can be dangerous. Are you at risk for this behavior? Do you…
have a “soul mate mentality”?
believe you will know the “right one” the minute you meet him or her?
search for your next spouse looking for one important trait—maybe the opposite of what your ex had?
think there is only one person in the world who is right for you, and you are on a mission to find him or her?
have a set of criteria for the ideal spouse or a simple formula for knowing who would be your soul mate?
Here are some tips to help you avoid trapping yourself in the soul mate myth.
Retrain your thinking. If you have a “soul mate mentality,” educate yourself about the risks. One way to do this is to read and reread the stories in this book of redivorced people who naively searched for their soul mates only to get burned because they refused to see or acknowledge any problems once they made up their minds.
Don’t shop for duplicates or opposites. Finding your mirror-image mate in background or experience is no assurance of a good match. Likewise, just because someone doesn’t have the ugly habits or traits of your ex (drinking, yelling, spending, controlling) doesn’t mean he will be right for you, either. List the problems of your past marriage(s) and make certain that these are not the only criteria you use to select a future spouse.
Don’t be unequally yoked. If you choose someone who has a major difference in belief systems from you, it is likely to become a problem after the “honeymoon phase” is over. When your most fundamental beliefs are at odds, you will eventually see divisions creep into the marriage that could lead to its downfall. Any disagreements or major differences in belief systems will certainly become more pronounced if and when children are part of your family.
Allow enough time dating. Quick decisions about a soul mate can be overcome if you date someone at least a few years before marrying. Be alert to problems and red flags.
Taken from: Finding the Right One After Divorce. Copyright © 2007 by Edward M. Tauber and Jim Smoke. Published by Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, OR. Used by permission.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Edward M Tauber, a corporate researcher, industry consultant, and divorce counselor, received his Ph.D. from Cornell University. A former professor and department chairman at the University of Southern California, he's also been a senior executive and consultant with Fortune 500 companies.
Jim Smoke is an internationally known author, speaker, and life coach. A pioneer in the divorce recovery field, he has worked with singles and singles-again for more than 30 years. Jim has written 17 books, including his bestselling Growing Through Divorce (nearly 600,000 copies sold).
By Edward M. Tauber & Jim Smoke
Authors, Finding the Right One After Divorce
A great marriage is not when the “perfect couple” come together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences. ~ Dave Meurer
Unfortunately, some people use very strange criteria in making their decision about who to marry. They have some limited set of characteristics in their heads that tell them when they’ve found Mr. or Ms. Right. How often have you heard someone say, “I’m getting married because I found my soul mate”?
He Knows My Inner Being
Never fully defined in any literature, the term “soul mate” is used by people as if we all clearly understood what is meant. We have asked a number of people to explain what a soul mate is. We never get the same answer. Nevertheless, it’s a popular buzzword. Some definitions of a soul mate is a person who…
has the same background as you.
thinks like you.
understands you.
knows you before even really knowing you.
knows you better than you know yourself.
you can talk with for hours even when you first meet.
has the same interests and hobbies as you.
has your best interests at heart.
Others say a soul mate…
sees into your inner being.
is like the missing half of you.
is a perfect match for you.
is your twin or counterpart.
is the one, true person for you.
immediately connects with you.
If you think there is only one person out there who is the right one for you, you are vulnerable to marry when you think you have found that person. There is much evidence that there are likely many people in the world who would make an acceptable mate for you. The risk of thinking otherwise is that when you believe you have found “the one,” you abandon all sensibility and are driven to marry that person. Some people believe in soul mates because of their divorce experience. It didn’t work with my ex because he was the “wrong one.” Now I will go and find the right one, who will be the opposite of my ex.
Since you believe there is such a thing as the one soul mate in the world for you, you have some preconceived notions in mind. Some people are searching for someone “just like me.” Others believe that someone is their soul mate if they have similar backgrounds, thoughts, or views. Still others believe they will intuitively know a soul mate by their connectedness to them. We’re not saying that having things in common isn’t important. Quite the contrary, it is very relevant in a successful marriage. The problem comes when you are on a mission to find an individual who has one or a few narrow set of similarities or characteristics, and you take it as a sign to marry.
Finding a soul mate is a great start, but people are multidimensional. You cannot judge a person as right for you because he or she has certain similarities or just seems tuned in to you. Now you need to spend considerable time learning all about other aspects, such as the differences between you, the habits and quirks he has, any shared values, dreams, goals, opinions, and so forth. Don’t fall into the trap of the “soul mate mentality” and think someone is right just based on initial impressions.
When He Said Soul Mate, I Knew…
Sheila was married for 17 years to an advertising executive who was never at home. Their marriage happened because she got pregnant during their dating phase, and they got married to legitimize their offspring. Sheila had three children by the age of 36. The lack of availability of her husband drove Sheila to have an affair with the husband of a friend. This relationship went on undetected for four years before Sheila finally decided she could not handle the strain any longer. At that point she asked for a divorce. Once divorced, the friend’s husband quickly backed out of their tryst. She was suddenly available and a threat to his current marriage.
Sheila did not date for more than a year. Then she began to go out with some men from the office. She expanded this to men friends recommended. This intensive dating went on for more than three years. At first, Sheila didn’t want to remarry, and she gave off that vibe. However, as time passed, she became more and more frustrated. She decided she needed to find her soul mate. When asked what such a man would be like, she answered by saying, “He will know me better than I know myself.” We heard nothing more from her until a friend said she met a man and got engaged.
Later, Sheila said Phil was the man she had been searching for. She knew he was “the one” when he opened the car door for her. He wasn’t like the others she had dated. She and Phil immediately hit it off when he told her he was looking for his soul mate. That triggered a discussion for hours. They were of one accord. Sheila did marry Phil, almost immediately. Problems began early because Phil was about to be laid off at work, something he failed to mention during courtship. This put an immediate strain on the marriage. Phil had to sell his home, and they had to move into a small apartment. The pressures eventually forced Sheila to realize that Phil was not her “soul mate,” and she filed for divorce.
Sheila let herself become a victim of the “soul mate mentality.” After intensively dating men with her attitude of “I’m not interested,” she suddenly got desperate and devised a simple formula for deciding when to get married. They would both be of one accord—meaning he would be looking for a soul mate, too. Phil fit the bill, and his gentlemanly courtship behavior was icing on the cake. No need to dig any further in learning more about him or determining if they were compatible in various areas. Being in tune with each other was enough.
We’re Just Alike
Andy and Joyce had led a hard life until they met. Andy married a girl in high school, divorced before 19, and dropped out of college at 20. He had one job after another. He never could earn enough money to even afford to take someone out on a date. He moved back home to live with his mother. This made things worse because his self-esteem dropped even further. His older sister and brother were both successful professionals, which was salt in his wound. From early childhood, Andy’s mother acted as if she thought Andy was a loser. He’d had poor grades in high school, a failed marriage, a failed college career, and a failing business career all before the age of 25. The more he failed at something, the more his mother reinforced that he was a loser. He acted out her script of a person who could do nothing right. It was a vicious cycle of negative feedback and failure.
Andy met Joyce when a mutual friend suggested they would have a lot in common. Sure enough, the friend was correct. Joyce had grown up in the same town, yet she and Andy had never met. When they began comparing notes, they found tremendous similarities. Joyce’s mother was a very controlling woman who judged Joyce and always found her lacking. No matter what Joyce did or accomplished, it was never good enough for her mother. As a result, Joyce had developed an overeating problem in her teen years. Whenever she tried to lose weight, some conflict would develop with her mother and cause a setback. Even when Joyce went away to college, her “failure in her head” mentality kept her from achieving what she knew she was capable of. Joyce had even tried marriage. In her sophomore year, she married a graduate student who left her after seven months. She attributed the marriage debacle to her eating disorder. She always blamed herself for whatever went wrong.
Andy and Joyce saw in each other some amazing similarities that they interpreted as signs that they were meant for each other. Their relationship seemed to help them, too, because instead of dragging each other down, they were mutually supportive. For the first time, they began to feel good about themselves. There were some red flags, however. Occasionally, if Joyce became depressed, Andy couldn’t handle it. They even separated one time because of this. Another problem was that Joyce was Catholic and Andy was Jewish. Joyce’s mother was totally opposed to the couple marrying. Also, Joyce wanted children, and Andy wasn’t sure. He’d had so much trouble as a child, he didn’t know if he could be a good father.
In spite of these issues, the couple believed that their similarities were the signal that they were right for each other. Joyce was happy to act in opposition to the wishes of her domineering mother. Andy and Joyce’s marriage lasted 11 years, but most of the final 6 were stress-filled. Joyce had again retreated to her illness of overeating, which caused tension in the marriage. Andy continued his struggle to hold a job for more than a year at a time. His out-of-work periods created great financial strain on the marriage. They were not the only ones to suffer from the marriage failure. They had a child who was constantly caught in the middle of the downward spiral of his parents. Some years after the divorce, Joyce committed suicide.
Andy and Joyce were a sad couple who identified with each other’s circumstances and mindsets. Two halves don’t make a whole, but they thought so. Andy was not ready to care for and support another wife. Joyce was still struggling with her overeating disease and was far from mentally healthy. They ignored all the red flags that were obvious to both of them. No doubt, they each believed no one else would have them, and so this was their one opportunity to remarry. When you find someone who has some similarities to you, it is not enough of a basis for a healthy marriage. Andy and Joyce confused similar backgrounds, conditions, and problems with shared interests, dreams, and goals. They had none of those.
His Children Caused Our Divorce
Belinda married a man when she was in her twenties, and it didn’t work out. He told her she was smarter than he was; she made him feel inferior. Belinda was smart, talented, and beautiful. For some men, that’s a threat.
By her mid-thirties, Belinda married again. This time she picked an older man, Frank, who was a senior executive at the company where she worked. He had also been married before and had three sons—two who were teenagers and the third of college age. Belinda had no children, and she had originally worried how well she might be accepted by Frank’s children. As it turned out, they seemed to love her and she blended in well with his family. All went fine until the couple began to squabble. In these instances, Frank would drag his sons into the fight, and they took sides with him. It got so bad that Belinda demanded that the three boys not be allowed in their home. The friction was aggravating an already deteriorating situation. This angered Frank and brought everything to a head. Eventually Frank and Belinda divorced. She told all her friends that she would never again marry a man with children. In fact, she felt so strongly about this that she would not even consider dating someone who was divorced with kids.
Mark had recently moved to town and joined the church where Belinda attended. Mark had never been married and was a little younger than Belinda. When she met him, she set her sights on him as the next “Mr. Belinda.” Nothing would get in her way. He was the perfect candidate. Never married, no children, and no baggage—she thought. They were married, and Belinda found out differently after the wedding. She had never asked if he had children and only found out when she accidentally opened an envelope from one of his past live-ins asking for child support money. Mark had (intentionally) failed to mention that he had lived with two women and had fathered a child with one. He had been too ashamed to tell her this during their short courtship.
Belinda “learned” from her first marriage that a man who has children is not a good husband. She, therefore, concluded that if she could find a man who has no children, she should seriously consider marrying him. This so-called “learning” came about from not allowing enough time to understand what really went wrong in her first marriage and, instead, blaming the presence of her husband’s children for the breakup.
The One-Dimensional Match
What do these stories have in common? They may seem very different, but they are all examples of having one dimension in mind as a trigger for concluding, “I have found the right one. I am ready to remarry.” Sheila was searching for the illusive soul mate. This thinking focused her on a limited dimension of a prospective spouse—someone whom she would immediately “recognize” as her soul mate. This kept her from examining all aspects of her relationship with Phil. How could she be aware of any negative factors with him after concluding from the start “he’s the one”? When you jump to a conclusion that fast, you are assuming all other aspects are irrelevant or will magically work out.
Andy and Joyce identified one important aspect in their lives that they had in common—others thought they were losers. They had become convinced themselves, and so immediately decided to huddle together against the world. Anyone who is feeling so incomplete and inadequate should not consider marriage in that condition. If you already feel like a failure, there is nothing worse than to jump into another marriage, get another divorce, and “prove” it to yourself all over again. You don’t have to have the intense mental problems Joyce had. The normal emotional stress of a divorce can place you in the same condition. This story is not a case of rescue. It’s a case of believing you should marry someone because he or she is in the same predicament you are. Misery loves company.
When you divorce, you immediately look for the culprit. With a lot of time passed, you will see things differently. You will learn what you contributed to your marriage failing. Time helps us see more clearly when the anger and grieving are past. If you don’t wait for that time to elapse before doing a post-mortem on the marriage, you are likely to conclude something very narrow like Belinda did: The divorce occurred because her husband had children. Armed with this “fact,” she set out to find a childless husband replacement.
The Perfect Person
We have heard many other versions of this story—where a divorced individual has a “perfect” person in mind. The ideal usually relates to one attribute—often the reverse of what the ex-spouse had. He doesn’t drink. She won’t be such a religious fanatic. He won’t travel in his job. She won’t have an ex-husband who lives in town. From these examples, you can write the story about what happened in the previous marriage. Is it wrong to be concerned about issues such as these, especially if they were a problem in your past marriage? No, of course not. The problem is one-dimensional searching: When you are so focused on one issue you tend to ignore other things. Because someone you date has or doesn’t have the characteristic you are looking for is no guarantee of success in marriage. You still have to do the hard work and allow the time to make sure he or she has other good qualities and not any horrible ones. You also have to be observant of the dynamics between you. How do you two interact in various circumstances? What does he do that causes conflict? How does she behave when under pressure? To gauge all of this takes time, an open mind, and an objective attitude. It sounds cold and calculating, but remember, divorce is painful and affects your entire family.
Sign of an Unhealed Divorce
Another reason that single-dimension searching is a problem is that it is a sign of an unhealed divorce. Think about it. Sheila sought a soul mate believing that was what was missing in her prior marriage. She was frantically dating. She was frustrated and desperate. Does this sound like a woman who has allowed time to pass and worked through her problems to become healthy and independent?
Then we have Andy and Joyce, two people who needed to get their own acts together before putting their problems on each other. They were each still struggling with low self-esteem from childhood, which was reinforced in their previous divorces. Andy was still living at home with mom. Joyce was unable to control overeating, a clue that she was not well.
Finally, Belinda had gone through two marriages and was still confused about what had happened. When you are still blaming someone else for the failure of your marriage, you need to remain in recovery and accept what you did and learn forgiveness. Belinda wasn’t close to accomplishing that. She was still playing the blame game.
If you are on a one-track search for Mr. or Ms. Right, you are not ready to remarry. Don’t get confused when you date that because someone has what you deem desirable similarities to you, this is enough of a basis for marrying.
Are You at Risk?
Searching for a soul mate can be dangerous. Are you at risk for this behavior? Do you…
have a “soul mate mentality”?
believe you will know the “right one” the minute you meet him or her?
search for your next spouse looking for one important trait—maybe the opposite of what your ex had?
think there is only one person in the world who is right for you, and you are on a mission to find him or her?
have a set of criteria for the ideal spouse or a simple formula for knowing who would be your soul mate?
Here are some tips to help you avoid trapping yourself in the soul mate myth.
Retrain your thinking. If you have a “soul mate mentality,” educate yourself about the risks. One way to do this is to read and reread the stories in this book of redivorced people who naively searched for their soul mates only to get burned because they refused to see or acknowledge any problems once they made up their minds.
Don’t shop for duplicates or opposites. Finding your mirror-image mate in background or experience is no assurance of a good match. Likewise, just because someone doesn’t have the ugly habits or traits of your ex (drinking, yelling, spending, controlling) doesn’t mean he will be right for you, either. List the problems of your past marriage(s) and make certain that these are not the only criteria you use to select a future spouse.
Don’t be unequally yoked. If you choose someone who has a major difference in belief systems from you, it is likely to become a problem after the “honeymoon phase” is over. When your most fundamental beliefs are at odds, you will eventually see divisions creep into the marriage that could lead to its downfall. Any disagreements or major differences in belief systems will certainly become more pronounced if and when children are part of your family.
Allow enough time dating. Quick decisions about a soul mate can be overcome if you date someone at least a few years before marrying. Be alert to problems and red flags.
Taken from: Finding the Right One After Divorce. Copyright © 2007 by Edward M. Tauber and Jim Smoke. Published by Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, OR. Used by permission.
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Edward M Tauber, a corporate researcher, industry consultant, and divorce counselor, received his Ph.D. from Cornell University. A former professor and department chairman at the University of Southern California, he's also been a senior executive and consultant with Fortune 500 companies.
Jim Smoke is an internationally known author, speaker, and life coach. A pioneer in the divorce recovery field, he has worked with singles and singles-again for more than 30 years. Jim has written 17 books, including his bestselling Growing Through Divorce (nearly 600,000 copies sold).
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