Obedience Brings Understanding
A right attitude leads to a proper obedience of God's laws, which form much of the foundation of the Bible.
James explains that you must be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does" (James 1:22-25).
We see, then, that applying what we learn from God's Word is necessary, along with a humble approach. We must begin to live what we learn for God to grant us continued understanding.
If we refuse to accept the understanding God reveals to us, He ceases to give us more of it. God explains this principle: "My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. Because you have rejected knowledge, I also will reject you . . ." (Hosea 4:6).
For us to understand the Bible, we must first learn about and respect God's law. We read a summary of this principle in Psalm 111:10, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; a good understanding have all those who do His commandments . . ."
Paul emphasizes this point in Romans 2:13, "For not the hearers of the law are just in the sight of God, but the doers of the law will be justified." If a person studies the Bible just to hear what it says, but not to do what it commands, he is not pleasing God and cannot expect His help.
Sadly, many think Jesus Christ came to do away with the law, but He denied this in the strongest terms. "Do not think that I came to destroy the Law or the Prophets," He warned. "I did not come to destroy but to fulfill. For assuredly, I say to you, till heaven and earth pass away, one jot or one tittle will by no means pass from the law till all is fulfilled" (Matthew 5:17-18).
Jesus was explaining that all of God's commandments should be "fulfilled" in a more-complete way than that taught by the Pharisees. He stressed that we should take into account the spiritual intent of the law and not just the letter. He showed that both aspects of law-keeping are necessary to truly obey God.
To those who followed Him, but did not obey God's laws, He said, "Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of my Father in heaven" (Matthew 7:21). Christ expected His followers to deeply respect God's commandments, as He always respected and obeyed them. His view was clear: "If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father's commandments and abide in His love" (John 15:10). Christ's teachings uphold God's commandments. They do not do away with them.
The apostle Peter wrote of people who desire to receive the Holy Spirit, a requirement for understanding the Scriptures. "And we are His witnesses to these things, and so also is the Holy Spirit (which) God has given to those who obey Him" (Acts 5:32).
Therefore, to understand revealed spiritual truths requires the second key, which is faithful obedience to God's perfect laws and instruction as shown in Scripture.
Though obedience is necessary for continued spiritual understanding, this does not mean that obedience entitles us to salvation. God alone, through his grace and mercy, forgives sin, grants us help to overcome and offers salvation as a gift. However, God does expect us to do our part while He fulfills the rest. James emphasized this principle: "Was not Abraham our father justified by works when he (in order to obey) offered Isaac his son on the altar? Do you see that faith was working together with his works, and by works faith was made perfect? (James 2:21-22).
The many benefits of obedience will quickly manifest themselves to the doer. "Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good," wrote King David (Psalm 34:8). Jesus Christ said: "Whoever chooses to do the will of God will know whether my teaching comes from him or is merely my own" (John 7:17, Revised English Bible). An attitude of humble, willing obedience is the litmus test!
As politically incorrect as I wanna be.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
NFL Week 12 Power Rankings
NFL Week 12 Power Rankings
M.D. Wright
11.18.08
1. New York Football Giants. The Giants are the best team in the league. Quit feeding me the 10-0 bull.
2. Tennessee Titans. They're going to have to prove that they can win with Kerry Collins at QB vs. a great defense. They haven't done it yet. They will have chances vs. Indianapolis, Pittsburgh and eventually the Jints should both reach the Super Bowl.
3. Arizona Cardinals. I put them this high because they could potentially wrap up their division in the next two weeks. A win vs. the Giants would ratify this ranking.
4. Carolina Panthers. Jake Delhomme looks shaky right now, but the Panthers' running game is among the best in the league.
5. New York Football Jets. The Jets are streaking right now. Thomas Jones is the best rusher in the AFC. The defense, while not great, is making timely plays.
6. Pittsburgh Steelers. I'm not sold on the Steelers. Their offensive line is like the Hoover Dam. Their bookend LBs are getting it done for them.
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ but they win.
8. Indianapolis Colts. The Colts are ready to make a run. They still need to tie 2-3 more wins onto their streak to solidify a wild card berth.
9. Washington Redskins. The 'skins need to get back on track. Two tough losses in a row, and remaining games vs. Philadelphia and New York don't make things easier for them. They do have the tiebreaker vs. Dallas.
10. Miami Dolphins. The Fins are clawing their win to victories with their Wildcat Offense.
11. Baltimore Ravens. The Ravens lost to the best team in the NFL. No shame there. They're still better than the Patriots and Cowboys.
12. Atlanta Falcons. Yes, I said it. They are better than Dallas. The loss Sunday was an aberration. Matty Ice finally had an off day. Big deal.
13. New England Patriots. They are not impressing me.
14. Denver Broncos. Their defense did JUST ENOUGH on Sunday. Cutler's Arm > Elway's Arm.
JK
15. Dallas Cowboys. They still have a ways to go to secure a playoff berth. They are a middle of the pack team with top tier talent. Something is amiss.
16. Green Bay Packers. Tough to figure them out. Sunday they appeared to be an 11-5 team. The week before, they looked like a 5-11 team.
17. Chicago Bears. They stunk up the joint Sunday, but they are better than this.
18. Minnesota Vikings. They are going to have to prove their worth the rest of this season. Week 17 will probably decide whether or not they win the NFC North or not. Their opponent: GIANTS.
19. Philadelphia Eagles. The Iggles are fading fast, and their QB doesn't even know the rules of the game. So sad.
20. Buffalo Bills. Fading equally as fast, but Marshawn Lynch was running like a madman last night. Encouraging. Too bad Dick Jauron won't continue feeding him the ball.
21. New Orleans Saints. It's Drew Brees and no one else. That won't get it done.
22. San Diego Chargers. Norv is a good guy, but he's a glorified Offensive Coordinator who should have remained one for life. He's not a motivating head coach. The Chargers are proving this.
23. Cleveland Browns. Can the Browns continue their solid play and not "quit"? Hmmm.
24. Jacksonville Jaguars. The Jags stink. THE END.
25. San Francisco 49ers. They play hard every week. They just have major retooling to do at every vital position in the offseason. Their WRs are old and are 4th/no-stringers and their offensive line is a sieve. Their defense has some players on it, but they don't play together.
26. Houston Texans. I GIVE UP.
27. Seattle Seahawks. They've given up on Mike.
28. St. Louis Rams. YIKES.
29. Cincinnati Bengals. They are wasting Chad Johnson and TJ Houshmandzadeh's prime years...
30. Kansas City Chiefs. You'd like to think they'd be better than this with some of the talent they have. MAJOR overhaul coming this offseason. Herm just got a reprieve. If they do not win at least 8 next year, he AND Carl Peterson are gone.
31. Oakland Raiders. Goodness Gracious Sakes Alive. JaMarcus Russell looked decent. FOR ONCE.
32. Detroit Lions. GOOD LORD.
M.D. Wright
11.18.08
1. New York Football Giants. The Giants are the best team in the league. Quit feeding me the 10-0 bull.
2. Tennessee Titans. They're going to have to prove that they can win with Kerry Collins at QB vs. a great defense. They haven't done it yet. They will have chances vs. Indianapolis, Pittsburgh and eventually the Jints should both reach the Super Bowl.
3. Arizona Cardinals. I put them this high because they could potentially wrap up their division in the next two weeks. A win vs. the Giants would ratify this ranking.
4. Carolina Panthers. Jake Delhomme looks shaky right now, but the Panthers' running game is among the best in the league.
5. New York Football Jets. The Jets are streaking right now. Thomas Jones is the best rusher in the AFC. The defense, while not great, is making timely plays.
6. Pittsburgh Steelers. I'm not sold on the Steelers. Their offensive line is like the Hoover Dam. Their bookend LBs are getting it done for them.
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ but they win.
8. Indianapolis Colts. The Colts are ready to make a run. They still need to tie 2-3 more wins onto their streak to solidify a wild card berth.
9. Washington Redskins. The 'skins need to get back on track. Two tough losses in a row, and remaining games vs. Philadelphia and New York don't make things easier for them. They do have the tiebreaker vs. Dallas.
10. Miami Dolphins. The Fins are clawing their win to victories with their Wildcat Offense.
11. Baltimore Ravens. The Ravens lost to the best team in the NFL. No shame there. They're still better than the Patriots and Cowboys.
12. Atlanta Falcons. Yes, I said it. They are better than Dallas. The loss Sunday was an aberration. Matty Ice finally had an off day. Big deal.
13. New England Patriots. They are not impressing me.
14. Denver Broncos. Their defense did JUST ENOUGH on Sunday. Cutler's Arm > Elway's Arm.
JK
15. Dallas Cowboys. They still have a ways to go to secure a playoff berth. They are a middle of the pack team with top tier talent. Something is amiss.
16. Green Bay Packers. Tough to figure them out. Sunday they appeared to be an 11-5 team. The week before, they looked like a 5-11 team.
17. Chicago Bears. They stunk up the joint Sunday, but they are better than this.
18. Minnesota Vikings. They are going to have to prove their worth the rest of this season. Week 17 will probably decide whether or not they win the NFC North or not. Their opponent: GIANTS.
19. Philadelphia Eagles. The Iggles are fading fast, and their QB doesn't even know the rules of the game. So sad.
20. Buffalo Bills. Fading equally as fast, but Marshawn Lynch was running like a madman last night. Encouraging. Too bad Dick Jauron won't continue feeding him the ball.
21. New Orleans Saints. It's Drew Brees and no one else. That won't get it done.
22. San Diego Chargers. Norv is a good guy, but he's a glorified Offensive Coordinator who should have remained one for life. He's not a motivating head coach. The Chargers are proving this.
23. Cleveland Browns. Can the Browns continue their solid play and not "quit"? Hmmm.
24. Jacksonville Jaguars. The Jags stink. THE END.
25. San Francisco 49ers. They play hard every week. They just have major retooling to do at every vital position in the offseason. Their WRs are old and are 4th/no-stringers and their offensive line is a sieve. Their defense has some players on it, but they don't play together.
26. Houston Texans. I GIVE UP.
27. Seattle Seahawks. They've given up on Mike.
28. St. Louis Rams. YIKES.
29. Cincinnati Bengals. They are wasting Chad Johnson and TJ Houshmandzadeh's prime years...
30. Kansas City Chiefs. You'd like to think they'd be better than this with some of the talent they have. MAJOR overhaul coming this offseason. Herm just got a reprieve. If they do not win at least 8 next year, he AND Carl Peterson are gone.
31. Oakland Raiders. Goodness Gracious Sakes Alive. JaMarcus Russell looked decent. FOR ONCE.
32. Detroit Lions. GOOD LORD.
ESPN's Week 12 Power Rankings
ESPN's Week 12 Power Rankings
1 (1) Titans 10-0-0 They welcome the extra attention that the Jets will bring to Nashville. (PK)
2 (2) Giants 9-1-0 Dominating win over the Ravens. Now they have to travel cross-country to face the Cardinals. (MM)
3 (3) Panthers 8-2-0 Survived what should have been easy games against Detroit and Oakland, but made winning look difficult. Against Falcons, QB Jake Delhomme has to bounce back. (PY)
4 (4) Steelers 7-3-0 "Big Ben" doesn't turn over the football and the Steelers win. We're sure that's not a coincidence. (JW)
5 (6) Buccaneers 7-3-0 Jeff Garcia's mobility has returned and Antonio Bryant has emerged as true No. 1 WR. RB situation remains a little shaky. (PY)
6 (9) Jets 7-3-0 They needed to win more emphatically to signal a true changing of the guard in the AFC East, but they are in control of their destiny with six games to play. (TG)
7 (11) Cardinals 7-3-0 An upset victory over Giants could deliver NFC West title to Arizona. (MS)
8 (10) Colts 6-4-0 They don't necessarily want people saying so, but it sure seems like they are back. (PK)
9 (5) Redskins 6-4-0 Losing two straight home games hurts. Jason Campbell needs to right the ship quickly. (MM)
10 (7) Patriots 6-4-0 Like the black knight in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail," the Patriots keep losing appendages but they fight onward. "It's just a flesh wound!" (TG)
11 (16) Cowboys 6-4-0 Win over Redskins kept their playoff hopes alive. They have great shot at getting to 8-4. (MM)
12 (15) Dolphins 6-4-0 They're barely winning, but they're winning. The Dolphins have won four in a row. Only the Titans and Giants have longer streaks. (TG)
13 (12) Ravens 6-4-0 The Giants brought the Ravens back down to earth. (JW)
14 (8) Falcons 6-4-0 A tough loss to Denver at home is followed by Carolina coming to town. Falcons have a chance to put themselves back in good position. (PY)
15 (19) Broncos 6-4-0 The Broncos have taken control of a weak division. Denver will have to collapse to not win the AFC West. (BW)
16 (21) Packers 5-5-0 The Packers might be getting hot at the right time. (KS)
17 (13) Eagles 5-4-1 This team was fading even before an embarrassing tie. But as Donovan McNabb says, there's always the second OT. (MM)
18 (17) Bills 5-5-0 Tom Petty wrote a song about the Bills. No, not "Running Down a Dream." That was five weeks ago. This one's called "Free Fallin'." (TG)
19 (14) Bears 5-5-0 Are the Bears really 34 points worse than the Packers? Nope. But Sunday's loss could have reverberating effects. (KS)
20 (23) Saints 5-5-0 They return to the Superdome for the first time in 42 days. At .500, they have to almost run the table to have a playoff shot. (PY)
21 (18) Vikings 5-5-0 The Vikings have the toughest road to the NFC North title. (KS)
22 (20) Chargers 4-6-0 Let the Norv Turner watch begin. The inconsistent Chargers are one of the great disappointments of the 2008 season. (BW)
23 (22) Jaguars 4-6-0 The Jags are not going to come close to meeting preseason expectations. Can Jack Del Rio hold their attention? (PK)
24 (24) Browns 4-6-0 Brady Quinn gets the first of what the Browns hope are many victories as their starter. (JW)
25 (25) Texans 3-7-0 Measured against the Colts, they've not made sufficient progress. (PK)
26 (26) 49ers 3-7-0 A tough schedule might feature only one or two more victories for the 49ers. (MS)
27 (27) Seahawks 2-8-0 Depth on offensive line severely low if Mike Wahle's shoulder injury sidelines him. (MS)
28 (28) Rams 2-8-0 Another wave of injuries threatens to take Rams from bad to worse. (MS)
29 (30) Bengals 1-8-1 Look at the bright side: Cincinnati hasn't lost in the month of November. (JW)
30 (29) Chiefs 1-9-0 The good news: The Chiefs didn't blow a late lead for the for first time in nearly a month. The bad news: The Chiefs lost again anyway. (BW)
31 (31) Raiders 2-8-0 Memo to the Raiders' offense: The end zones are those two patches of grass just below the goalposts. (BW)
32 (32) Lions 0-10-0 Rod Marinelli says he is committed to doing things his way. Not sure if anything else needs to be added. (KS)
1 (1) Titans 10-0-0 They welcome the extra attention that the Jets will bring to Nashville. (PK)
2 (2) Giants 9-1-0 Dominating win over the Ravens. Now they have to travel cross-country to face the Cardinals. (MM)
3 (3) Panthers 8-2-0 Survived what should have been easy games against Detroit and Oakland, but made winning look difficult. Against Falcons, QB Jake Delhomme has to bounce back. (PY)
4 (4) Steelers 7-3-0 "Big Ben" doesn't turn over the football and the Steelers win. We're sure that's not a coincidence. (JW)
5 (6) Buccaneers 7-3-0 Jeff Garcia's mobility has returned and Antonio Bryant has emerged as true No. 1 WR. RB situation remains a little shaky. (PY)
6 (9) Jets 7-3-0 They needed to win more emphatically to signal a true changing of the guard in the AFC East, but they are in control of their destiny with six games to play. (TG)
7 (11) Cardinals 7-3-0 An upset victory over Giants could deliver NFC West title to Arizona. (MS)
8 (10) Colts 6-4-0 They don't necessarily want people saying so, but it sure seems like they are back. (PK)
9 (5) Redskins 6-4-0 Losing two straight home games hurts. Jason Campbell needs to right the ship quickly. (MM)
10 (7) Patriots 6-4-0 Like the black knight in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail," the Patriots keep losing appendages but they fight onward. "It's just a flesh wound!" (TG)
11 (16) Cowboys 6-4-0 Win over Redskins kept their playoff hopes alive. They have great shot at getting to 8-4. (MM)
12 (15) Dolphins 6-4-0 They're barely winning, but they're winning. The Dolphins have won four in a row. Only the Titans and Giants have longer streaks. (TG)
13 (12) Ravens 6-4-0 The Giants brought the Ravens back down to earth. (JW)
14 (8) Falcons 6-4-0 A tough loss to Denver at home is followed by Carolina coming to town. Falcons have a chance to put themselves back in good position. (PY)
15 (19) Broncos 6-4-0 The Broncos have taken control of a weak division. Denver will have to collapse to not win the AFC West. (BW)
16 (21) Packers 5-5-0 The Packers might be getting hot at the right time. (KS)
17 (13) Eagles 5-4-1 This team was fading even before an embarrassing tie. But as Donovan McNabb says, there's always the second OT. (MM)
18 (17) Bills 5-5-0 Tom Petty wrote a song about the Bills. No, not "Running Down a Dream." That was five weeks ago. This one's called "Free Fallin'." (TG)
19 (14) Bears 5-5-0 Are the Bears really 34 points worse than the Packers? Nope. But Sunday's loss could have reverberating effects. (KS)
20 (23) Saints 5-5-0 They return to the Superdome for the first time in 42 days. At .500, they have to almost run the table to have a playoff shot. (PY)
21 (18) Vikings 5-5-0 The Vikings have the toughest road to the NFC North title. (KS)
22 (20) Chargers 4-6-0 Let the Norv Turner watch begin. The inconsistent Chargers are one of the great disappointments of the 2008 season. (BW)
23 (22) Jaguars 4-6-0 The Jags are not going to come close to meeting preseason expectations. Can Jack Del Rio hold their attention? (PK)
24 (24) Browns 4-6-0 Brady Quinn gets the first of what the Browns hope are many victories as their starter. (JW)
25 (25) Texans 3-7-0 Measured against the Colts, they've not made sufficient progress. (PK)
26 (26) 49ers 3-7-0 A tough schedule might feature only one or two more victories for the 49ers. (MS)
27 (27) Seahawks 2-8-0 Depth on offensive line severely low if Mike Wahle's shoulder injury sidelines him. (MS)
28 (28) Rams 2-8-0 Another wave of injuries threatens to take Rams from bad to worse. (MS)
29 (30) Bengals 1-8-1 Look at the bright side: Cincinnati hasn't lost in the month of November. (JW)
30 (29) Chiefs 1-9-0 The good news: The Chiefs didn't blow a late lead for the for first time in nearly a month. The bad news: The Chiefs lost again anyway. (BW)
31 (31) Raiders 2-8-0 Memo to the Raiders' offense: The end zones are those two patches of grass just below the goalposts. (BW)
32 (32) Lions 0-10-0 Rod Marinelli says he is committed to doing things his way. Not sure if anything else needs to be added. (KS)
Parents: Let Go Of Your Adult Children
* I am posting these for a reason...
LETTING GO OF OUR ADULT CHILDREN
Chapter 9: Closure When Reconcilliation Is Not Possible
BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT
Chapter 9 of Letting Go of Our Adult Children, in which you can learn how to let go with love when true reconciliation is not possible.
The hardest worker may not get a promotion. The most dedicated runner may not win a race. The most ardent suitor may not win the object of his affection. Doing our best does not mean we will always get what we want.
Some disappointed parents have done all they can to mend their family rift. They stopped trying to change their son or daughter and have worked on those things that kept them overly concerned about their child's current problems. They have forgiven themselves and their child, have mourned the loss of the dreams they had for their family, and have sincerely tried to let go with love. Yet their child may still choose not to include them in his life.
Sometimes it is parents and siblings who decide to distance themselves from an adult child who is extremely disruptive to family harmony.
Laura Morgan's sister had a twenty-year history of schizophrenia, compounded by alcohol and drug abuse, a situation Laura described in a commentary she wrote for The Los Angeles Times. Despite years of therapy and the consistent emotional and financial support of her family, her sister became increasingly delusional and violent, striking their mother on several occasions and stealing from the family to finance her drug habit. Unable to take (or give) any more, their mother packed up and moved to the Midwest two years ago. At the same time, Laura moved and got an unlisted phone number. She and her brother told their sister not to contact them. It was time for the family to cut their losses, realizing, finally, that it was a question of survival Ñ hers or theirs. The last that Laura heard about her sister, she was living on Skid Row. That is clearly not the happy ending any family wants for one of its members.
There is a limit to what parents can handle. Just as children have rights, parents have a right to be protected from the verbal and physical abuse of their children. Yet the decision to cut off relations with our children is not done without a great deal of anguish. Even then, knowing we are doing the right thing in distancing ourselves from our child does not take away the pain.
In some families parents do not have a chance for reconciliation, even if they have moved through all the stages on their path of healing. Their child may have left home years ago and disappeared, offering them no opportunity to work things through. Or their child may have died from an accident, homicide, suicide, or sudden illness before they had time to heal a torn relationship.
Not all situations that appear non-reconcilable, of course, will remain that way. Ivy, a woman I interviewed, told me that she and her husband, George, had spent many sleepless nights worrying about their only child, Ben. They had once given up hope that he would turn his life around. Their son was a heavy drug abuser who had alienated himself from his parents until, in his mid-forties, he had a child of his own. Apparently at the prodding of his wife, he sent pictures of his baby, a grandchild Ivy and George hadn't seen. The letter accompanying the picture of smiling parents and offspring stated that he now realized what it meant to have a child, adding something about how much his parents had meant to him. The new relationship is still tenuous, although there is hope it can be further repaired. Nevertheless, while Ivy and George can now breathe a little easier, at one point they had to accept, for their own peace of mind, that their child was alienated from them and that, very possibly, they would never see him again.
Unless your child has died or is completely incapacitated, there is always the possibility of reconciliation. But counting on that possibility can prevent you from ever releasing your pain and really getting on with your life.
Closure means "closing or being closed; a finish; end; conclusion." In the case of broken relationships, it is, as a friend of mine said, suturing a wound so that it can heal. Closure does not mean you write off your child forever. Instead, it is the willingness to gently close a door to the past, allowing the possibility of opening new doors for reconciliation in the future.
Stumbling Blocks to Closure
Why do the doors that need to be closed to broken relationships remain open, the wounds unsutured? There are many reasons, of course, but two common ones are the context in which we hold our pain and the way in which we expect ourselves to be judged as parents.
Defining Ourselves by Our Pain
We all know people who describe problems in their life as though their problems, pains, and sorrows are the only things worth knowing about them. My friend, Wini Pyle, however, is very different. Happening to call while I was writing this chapter, she told me that "different parts of my life are functioning at different levels." Her body isn't doing as well as she would like, her love life and spiritual life are great, her job is still rewarding. And she also feels sad, sometimes, because her only daughter has not been in contact with her for two years and will not even give her a phone number where she can be reached.
Wini told me that every day she releases her child, opening the door to the possibility that her daughter may choose to write her or otherwise reopen the relationship. In the meantime, my friend provides a wonderful illustration of the way in which we can view alienation from a child in a healthy way.
Certainly it is healthy to acknowledge our loss and pain from time to time. Yet we must also remind ourselves that that relationship is only part of who we are. There are other aspects to us as well. We do not need to display our pain like a giant sign across our chest, as Hester Prynne is compelled to do in The Scarlet Letter.
Defining Our Worth by How Our Children Turn Out
Some parents are unable to close the door on irreconcilable differences with their adult children because of the standards by which they believe others will judge them. These standards include the expectation that they, alone, are held accountable for their family's rift, as though they should have been able to control both sides of that relationship. They expect they will be found worthless if their child is not reconciled with them, or if he doesn't turn out the way they, and possibly others, might wish.
Many parents won't let go of their child — and won't allow their wounds to heal — because they believe their best wasn't good enough and because they hope, in some vague way, that by holding on they can somehow make up for past limitations. When I talk with these parents, I tell them about the reports that have been gathered of people who have had "near-death experiences." I share with them my fascination in one particular aspect of "NDEs" as they are called. This is the account given by those individuals who have met a "being of light" or "wise being" as they waver between life and death.
If this "being" talks to the person only two questions are asked. One is, "Did you love?" The other, "Did you learn?" Notice that the questions are not: "Were you a good parent?" "How many possessions did you accumulate?" or "What side of the abortion issue were you on?"
NDEs are mysterious phenomena. There are those who accept them as evidence of life on the other side of death and those who say they're nothing more than hallucinations induced by trauma. Whatever the truth, it is most interesting that, at what could be the end of their lives, so many people with widely varying life experiences focus on the issues of loving and learning.
What higher goals could anyone have than to live as though the two most important things in life are to love and to learn?
If parents would accept that philosophy, we could more easily address the issue of failed relationships. Then we would know that we have done our best if we have loved our child. We have done our best if we have learned from our experience as a parent. We cannot do better than our best. Nor are we expected to.
An Exercise for Healing Broken Relationships
Three years ago I attended a conference at which I participated in a lovely guided imagery exercise that was designed to help participants view broken relationships in a new way. Some of the workshop participants used it to work on letting go of a loved one who had died. Others, such as myself, used it to better accept a relationship in which there did not seem to be a possibility of directly resolving differences between us and another person. At that time I didn't know where Matthew was, so this exercise seemed especially appropriate.
Since then I have adapted the exercise in several ways and have used it for a variety of clients. This guided imagery exercise can provide you with insights you had not previously known about another person or about yourself. It can help you discover aspects of the relationship you can change without requiring the other person to change. And it can allow you to become more accepting of the other person in ways that, until now, you have not been able to see. You may want to use this exercise for people other than your adult child, such as an ex-spouse and ex-friends.
If you have not done imagery before, be assured that this process does not "force" you to go someplace in your mind you do not want to go or do something you do not want to do. Everything that happens to you will be what you decide and what is best for you to gain from this experience. Imagery exercises are valuable because they make use of the healing metaphors and imagery of the right brain, by-passing the more structured analysis of the left brain that sometimes insists there is only one way to view a situation.
To use the following as a guided imagery exercise, read it slowly into a tape recorder, pausing at the places indicated, or have a friend read it to you. Or you may just want to read it several times (to under- stand what you are to do) and then complete the exercise without a tape recording.
After you are through, you may want to take a few moments and write about what happened during the exercise. Some people find it helpful to do the exercise more than once.
Let yourself become as comfortable as possible. Allow yourself to be gently supported by the chair or sofa on which you are sitting and move, if you must, to find the most relaxing position. As you let your body find its comfort, allow your eyes to gently close. . .
Now begin to relax by taking a few slow, deep, abdominal breaths, filling your lungs to capacity and releasing the air as completely as possible . . . Each time you breathe out, say to yourself, "I am relaxing. . ." After two or three of these deep breaths, let your body breathe according to its own natural rhythm, slowly and easily ...
Each time you inhale and exhale normally, allow yourself to become twice as relaxed as you were a moment before . . . Twice as comfortable . . . Twice as peaceful . . . With each breath every cell of your body becomes at ease . . . You find yourself in a state of pleasant, relaxed consciousness . . .
And now imagine that you are standing on a grassy low hill near the sea. You can smell the clean sea air and hear the sounds of birds as they circle overhead and onto the beach below. You notice a path that follows a stream flowing gently into the sea. You take the path and walk slowly to the shore, and then along the shoreline until you come to a dock where a fairly large boat is tied. The weather is perfect and you imagine it would be a good day for taking a boat ride across that sea, or to various places along the sea's edge. Allow yourself to experience being here in a place of calm, serene beauty with a sense of potential healing all around you . . .
As you look back toward the hill on which you were first standing, you notice that there is another path, different from the one you took, that also leads to the shore and then to the dock. You notice on the path a person who, at one time, had been in a relationship with you but with whom you now have a conflict that keeps you physically or emotionally apart. You can see him or her clearly, and even though you may have had difficulty being together in the past, now you realize that no harm will come to either of you in this place.
You watch as the person walks along the path and slowly comes toward you. You greet each other and walk together toward the boat. During this time you discuss how one of you will go on the boat and one of you will wait on the shore. There are a number of reasons why either one of you should go or stay, but you realize that the journey is more necessary for the one than for the other. Perhaps you talk about where it is that either one of you needs to go. You discuss the fact that sometimes people who set out on a voyage and plan to return may discover during their trip that other places hold a strong attraction for them. And so it may be possible that the person taking the trip will not return for some reason.
Once you have decided who will take the journey and who will wait on shore, you pay closer attention to the details of the boat. What does the boat look like? Notice what provisions are already on the boat and which ones still need to be brought on board. How do you fee I about the boat and what it has to offer the one who will be traveling? . . .
Now the one who is to take the journey gets on the boat. The one remaining behind unties the rope that holds the boat to the dock and watches as the boat moves slowly away into the distance and out of sight. The person on shore will experience this time in a way that is just right for that person. The journey may last only a short time, or many months or years may be needed before the journey is over. Since this is an experience in the nonlinear part of the mind, time is not of consequence; the journey can last as long as either of you needs for it to last.
Let the journey begin . . .
Now it is almost time for the boat to return to shore. Does the boat return? If it does not, allow the person on shore to accept the choice of the one who does not return. Have the person who has been waiting sit for a while and consider what it means to allow another person to choose his or her own destiny.
If the boat does return, have the person on shore greet the one who has gone on the journey. Find a comfortable place to sit and talk with the other person heart-to-heart about what happened to each of you while you were apart. You may experience this conversation as a real dialogue in which first one of you and then the other speaks. Or you may just get a sense of what happens as you and the other person discuss what you experienced while you were apart . .
What do you learn that you had not realized before? What happens as you open yourself to listen to what is in the heart of the other? . . .
As you prepare to part, remember that you can return to this place and talk again any time you need to. And now say goodbye and walk back to the hill on separate paths . . .
Become aware of the room again and take a deep breath. As you exhale, accept the healing and insights from this experience as being just right for you at this time. And when you feel ready, open your eyes.
Creating a Story of Healing
The stories we tell about our lives are not fixed and immutable, any more than our lives are fixed and immutable. The thousands of circumstances we have experienced over the years provide a wealth of possible meanings and interpretations. No one of them defines the underlying meaning and substance of events in our lives. But we keep repeating that story over and over again until we are convinced it is the only interpretation anyone could possibly arrive at, if they knew what we know.
If our story is a happy one, we don't have any incentive to change it. This is not the case with the story of disappointed parents who are unable to reconcile with their children. Yet just as we can discover new options by looking through different windows, we can discover that there is more than one story that can reflect what happened between us and our child.
If you are willing to entertain the possibility that your experiences need not be viewed as darkly as you have previously viewed them, you might try a story writing exercise I created. As difficult as it may seem to you now, this exercise can transform your story of conflict and pain into one of acceptance and peace.
This exercise will take a fair amount of time to complete; at least weeks, and probably months. It will be time and energy well spent. And while you can begin at any time, it is best if you wait until after you have worked through most of the tasks in the five stages of healing. Then, after those things have not been able to bring your child back to you, telling your story in a different way can describe the broken relationship in more healing terms.
To begin, find a quiet place, perhaps your private retreat, and sit down to consider what stories you tell yourself, and others, about your family's situation. What is the role you have assigned yourself and what is the role you have assigned your child? What emphasis do you give to each part? When you know how you want this tale to be told, begin with "Once upon a time . . . " (or something else if you wish) and write the first draft of the story of your relationship with your child. Be as creative as you can, perhaps telling your story as though it were about someone else. Write it down as thoroughly as possible and then put it aside.
The next time you feel like working on the story, read what you have written so far and notice what it feels like to have your story on paper. Since stories with many-faceted, complex emotions often change from one telling to the next, notice whether you still feel the way you felt when you first wrote it or whether some feelings have shifted. If something you had written now seems unimportant, or if you are ambivalent about some things you had previously held as absolutes, think about how you might change those things in writing the next draft. Leave this draft for your next visit.
When you return, read the story again and think about how you may want to rewrite it. This time make the rewrite shorter, if possible, leaving in only what you know are the important parts and discarding what is not essential.
Repeat this process as many times as you need, making the story more and more brief. You may even try seeing whether you can tell your story in one sentence! Long or short, realize that your story expresses, in a style that is uniquely yours, essential truths of what has happened. Your story is an important version of the unresolvable rift between you and your child, but remember, too, that it is not the absolute, definitive, final word.
When you have finished, notice what changes have happened to your story since you first began telling it. Notice that each retelling contains elements of the truth, with the whole picture evolving as you interpret events in a different way.
Writing a Letter of Closure
Two and a half years ago I met a woman whose son had recently died of cancer. As we talked, she told me that her son, who was the same age as mine, had abused drugs and alcohol before his diagnosis and continued to blame other people whenever he got into trouble. Knowing that her son was dying, she was able to share with him the things she wanted to say. When he died, she felt their relationship was complete.
Our conversation made me realize that if Matthew died, which was surely possible because he was living on the streets at the time, I would not only feel a deep loss, I would also know I had not shared with him all I wanted to share. I decided to write a letter to him, with a personal copy to each of our children. Since I sometimes over-explain myself, the letter was very long (I would write a shorter one if I were doing it today). However, the purpose was to express what I wanted to say. I did. If it took a long time to read, so be it. If my children did not understand what I was trying to say, so be it. I had done my best and felt a real sense of closure in my relationship with Matthew at that time.
Some time later I was talking with him on the phone about another matter and asked him what the letter had meant to him. His only comment was, "It's apparently something you needed to say, and you have a right to your opinion." That's not exactly the reaction I had hoped for, but at least I assumed he had read it. It would have been great if he had said, "Gee, Mom, now that I see how much you love me and how my situation has affected the whole family, I'm going to enter a treatment program and get a job." But that's just wishful thinking. I had no right to expect or demand him to respond in any particular way; nor was that my intent.
Since I wrote that letter, I have helped other parents write to their children. Before writing those letters, however, it has always been essential that the parent be willing to explore honestly why she wants to write. Only then can she be assured that the letter will not become a rehash of old fights, a defensive and angry diatribe, or a subtle manipulation to get the child to change. The primary purpose of these letters, after all, is to bring closure to a broken relationship, to acknowledge that, as things now stand, there does not seem to be a possibility for reconciliation, even though that is what the parent would prefer.
The origin of your letter arises out of conflict, of course, and you will want to take plenty of time deciding what should be included and excluded. You don't want to fan the flames but to put them out.
While there are many approaches you can take in writing your letter, I offer the following as important guidelines.
Say why you are sending a letter at this time. Perhaps you may want to tell your child that after doing some work on your own issues you have decided to put past conflicts behind you by acknowledging those things that are unlikely to change.
Make certain that the letter is an expression of love.
Be honest in what you say and in how you say it. And remember that any attempts at manipulation are only likely to drive your child further away.
Be sure to tell your child that what you write is your perspective of what has happened and not necessarily "the truth."
Assume that your child is in pain over the rift in the family, even though he may seem not to care; a cavalier attitude can hide a great deal of pain. Let him know you understand that painful emotions are possibly the reason he has chosen not to be open to reconciliation and that you hope he is able eventually to find peace to heal his own pain.
Let your child know you recognize that he has a right to make the choices he has made and you also recognize that his choices are reasonable to him, even though you do not understand them.
Do not accuse him of ruining your life or causing you physical problems. (Although I had a back operation brought on by stress during a time when there was much turmoil over problems with Matthew, I have never blamed him for my inability to handle stress more effectively.)
Acknowledge that you influenced him in many ways when he was a child and accept responsibility for your part in the current problems between you. Do not, however, take all the responsibility in the hope that, by doing so, he will return to the bosom of the family. He is an adult and responsible for his own actions.
Realize that your spouse or another significant person in your child's life also influenced him, both positively and negatively, and you may want to discuss that person as well. Be careful, however, to acknowledge that your view of that person is your own and may be distorted by your need to see that person in a particular light.
Let him know what you appreciate about him and how you hold onto the good times you shared. Do not, however, expect that just because your child enjoyed trips to the beach and family vacations that his perception of problems in your family cannot possibly be true.
Keep the door open for future contact, if you would like that to happen.
A Ritual for Goodbye and Closure
Rituals remind us of our connections with the past and open us to new adventures in the future. They can be significant passages between the different periods of our lives and the different roles we have played. Fortunately, there are rituals you can create for the closure of relationships, when you may need to change from being a parent who has had a relationship with a child to being a parent who no longer has that relationship. These ritual events are not unlike the ritual discussed earlier in which the process of grief is facilitated by releasing lost dreams through writing them on pieces of paper.
The following ritual is designed to encourage closure by celebrating the best of who your child was in the past and/or is now, even though you are not part of her life. This ceremony is especially helpful for relationships irrevocably broken by death. It can be done privately or can include others who have played important roles in your child's life. You may want to do this ritual only once or several times. Experiment to see what works best for you.
On the anniversary of your child's birth, or some other day that was important to both you and your child, set aside time to experience the love you had for her and what you have learned from the life you shared. Go to a place that was special for her, such as the park or the beach. Bring with you several things to help in the ceremony you plan: pictures you want to remember her by, a poem she liked, a copy of her favorite book, or a scarf in a color she loved. Sit down on a blanket or chair and imagine the spirit of your child is there and is receptive to what you say, glad you have taken this time to honor her.
Begin the "ceremony" by telling your child how you have loved her and what it is you have learned. You may want to read the story you have written and share what has been going on in your life while you have been estranged. Express your love, resentments, regrets, appreciations, dreams, and memories. Let your words reflect the desire that your child have a successful life and find peace for herself, just as you are finding peace for yourself. Remember that when people who have been good friends part company in strong disagreement, the greatest gift of love is when one sincerely wishes the other success. Do not worry if what you say isn't said perfectly. Your child's heart will understand. Your heart will also be listening, and healing.
The following examples offer a few ideas of the kinds of things you may want to say to your child.
"When you were very small, Sharon, I was sure that what I felt for you was love, but now I realize it was the love of possessing someone who would love me back, because I never felt really loved before. Now I see that what I thought was love may have suffocated you and driven you away. And so my lesson has been that children are not possessions. We must hold them gently and then release them to their own experiences. I let you go and wish you well."
"Jeremy, I have always loved you and always will, so it has been difficult for me to be separated from you all these years. I regret so terribly much the mistake I made in allowing your stepfather to come between us when I had a chance to make a difference in our relationship. I understand that you are bitter and that you feel it is better if I do not have contact with you. Since I want so much to include you in my life, I am very sad. When I see little children playing in the park, I cannot help but think of Alex and Bruce and wonder how much they have grown. I would like you to know that I now spend a lot of time with my neighbor's little boys, four and six, who love to come and have cookies. And we sometimes play that silly card game of Fish that you liked so much. I let go and hope you do well on your new job."
"Paul, our relationship was filled with conflict before you committed suicide, and your leaving has made life that much more difficult. We have been filled with anger, pain and guilt. Now I want to heal the rift that stood between us, a rift that may have been part of the reason you decided to take your life. I am deeply sorry you saw no other way out, but I realize you made that choice, I didn't. Since your death I have spent a lot of time not only remembering the love I tried to give you but learning about my role as a parent in your life. I have chosen this special ceremony to share my feelings with you and I believe that you can hear what I want to say Ñ and that both of us can now be at peace."
One Day at a Time
We have all heard the ancient Chinese saying that a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. A newer proverb sees progress in a little different way. This wise saying was created by Jeremy, the son of Paula Caplan, author of Don't Blame Mother. He noted that, "On a staircase there is only one real step. The rest are there only to help you along the way."
When you are tempted to become discouraged by the distance you have to go in closing a painful part of your life, remind yourself that all you can do is take one step after the other. And then stop every once in a while to look back and see where you have come from.
On the wall of a friend's house is a poster that says, "You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future." Remember that saying when you start fretting about what may happen in the years ahead. Live each day fully in the present, knowing that by doing so you will be better able to handle what tomorrow will bring.
When you bring healing closure to a relationship that seems blocked to reconciliation, new doors may open when you least expect them. And you will be ready for them.
© Copyright 1994, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT, Reprinted with permission.
LETTING GO OF OUR ADULT CHILDREN
Chapter 9: Closure When Reconcilliation Is Not Possible
BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT
Chapter 9 of Letting Go of Our Adult Children, in which you can learn how to let go with love when true reconciliation is not possible.
The hardest worker may not get a promotion. The most dedicated runner may not win a race. The most ardent suitor may not win the object of his affection. Doing our best does not mean we will always get what we want.
Some disappointed parents have done all they can to mend their family rift. They stopped trying to change their son or daughter and have worked on those things that kept them overly concerned about their child's current problems. They have forgiven themselves and their child, have mourned the loss of the dreams they had for their family, and have sincerely tried to let go with love. Yet their child may still choose not to include them in his life.
Sometimes it is parents and siblings who decide to distance themselves from an adult child who is extremely disruptive to family harmony.
Laura Morgan's sister had a twenty-year history of schizophrenia, compounded by alcohol and drug abuse, a situation Laura described in a commentary she wrote for The Los Angeles Times. Despite years of therapy and the consistent emotional and financial support of her family, her sister became increasingly delusional and violent, striking their mother on several occasions and stealing from the family to finance her drug habit. Unable to take (or give) any more, their mother packed up and moved to the Midwest two years ago. At the same time, Laura moved and got an unlisted phone number. She and her brother told their sister not to contact them. It was time for the family to cut their losses, realizing, finally, that it was a question of survival Ñ hers or theirs. The last that Laura heard about her sister, she was living on Skid Row. That is clearly not the happy ending any family wants for one of its members.
There is a limit to what parents can handle. Just as children have rights, parents have a right to be protected from the verbal and physical abuse of their children. Yet the decision to cut off relations with our children is not done without a great deal of anguish. Even then, knowing we are doing the right thing in distancing ourselves from our child does not take away the pain.
In some families parents do not have a chance for reconciliation, even if they have moved through all the stages on their path of healing. Their child may have left home years ago and disappeared, offering them no opportunity to work things through. Or their child may have died from an accident, homicide, suicide, or sudden illness before they had time to heal a torn relationship.
Not all situations that appear non-reconcilable, of course, will remain that way. Ivy, a woman I interviewed, told me that she and her husband, George, had spent many sleepless nights worrying about their only child, Ben. They had once given up hope that he would turn his life around. Their son was a heavy drug abuser who had alienated himself from his parents until, in his mid-forties, he had a child of his own. Apparently at the prodding of his wife, he sent pictures of his baby, a grandchild Ivy and George hadn't seen. The letter accompanying the picture of smiling parents and offspring stated that he now realized what it meant to have a child, adding something about how much his parents had meant to him. The new relationship is still tenuous, although there is hope it can be further repaired. Nevertheless, while Ivy and George can now breathe a little easier, at one point they had to accept, for their own peace of mind, that their child was alienated from them and that, very possibly, they would never see him again.
Unless your child has died or is completely incapacitated, there is always the possibility of reconciliation. But counting on that possibility can prevent you from ever releasing your pain and really getting on with your life.
Closure means "closing or being closed; a finish; end; conclusion." In the case of broken relationships, it is, as a friend of mine said, suturing a wound so that it can heal. Closure does not mean you write off your child forever. Instead, it is the willingness to gently close a door to the past, allowing the possibility of opening new doors for reconciliation in the future.
Stumbling Blocks to Closure
Why do the doors that need to be closed to broken relationships remain open, the wounds unsutured? There are many reasons, of course, but two common ones are the context in which we hold our pain and the way in which we expect ourselves to be judged as parents.
Defining Ourselves by Our Pain
We all know people who describe problems in their life as though their problems, pains, and sorrows are the only things worth knowing about them. My friend, Wini Pyle, however, is very different. Happening to call while I was writing this chapter, she told me that "different parts of my life are functioning at different levels." Her body isn't doing as well as she would like, her love life and spiritual life are great, her job is still rewarding. And she also feels sad, sometimes, because her only daughter has not been in contact with her for two years and will not even give her a phone number where she can be reached.
Wini told me that every day she releases her child, opening the door to the possibility that her daughter may choose to write her or otherwise reopen the relationship. In the meantime, my friend provides a wonderful illustration of the way in which we can view alienation from a child in a healthy way.
Certainly it is healthy to acknowledge our loss and pain from time to time. Yet we must also remind ourselves that that relationship is only part of who we are. There are other aspects to us as well. We do not need to display our pain like a giant sign across our chest, as Hester Prynne is compelled to do in The Scarlet Letter.
Defining Our Worth by How Our Children Turn Out
Some parents are unable to close the door on irreconcilable differences with their adult children because of the standards by which they believe others will judge them. These standards include the expectation that they, alone, are held accountable for their family's rift, as though they should have been able to control both sides of that relationship. They expect they will be found worthless if their child is not reconciled with them, or if he doesn't turn out the way they, and possibly others, might wish.
Many parents won't let go of their child — and won't allow their wounds to heal — because they believe their best wasn't good enough and because they hope, in some vague way, that by holding on they can somehow make up for past limitations. When I talk with these parents, I tell them about the reports that have been gathered of people who have had "near-death experiences." I share with them my fascination in one particular aspect of "NDEs" as they are called. This is the account given by those individuals who have met a "being of light" or "wise being" as they waver between life and death.
If this "being" talks to the person only two questions are asked. One is, "Did you love?" The other, "Did you learn?" Notice that the questions are not: "Were you a good parent?" "How many possessions did you accumulate?" or "What side of the abortion issue were you on?"
NDEs are mysterious phenomena. There are those who accept them as evidence of life on the other side of death and those who say they're nothing more than hallucinations induced by trauma. Whatever the truth, it is most interesting that, at what could be the end of their lives, so many people with widely varying life experiences focus on the issues of loving and learning.
What higher goals could anyone have than to live as though the two most important things in life are to love and to learn?
If parents would accept that philosophy, we could more easily address the issue of failed relationships. Then we would know that we have done our best if we have loved our child. We have done our best if we have learned from our experience as a parent. We cannot do better than our best. Nor are we expected to.
An Exercise for Healing Broken Relationships
Three years ago I attended a conference at which I participated in a lovely guided imagery exercise that was designed to help participants view broken relationships in a new way. Some of the workshop participants used it to work on letting go of a loved one who had died. Others, such as myself, used it to better accept a relationship in which there did not seem to be a possibility of directly resolving differences between us and another person. At that time I didn't know where Matthew was, so this exercise seemed especially appropriate.
Since then I have adapted the exercise in several ways and have used it for a variety of clients. This guided imagery exercise can provide you with insights you had not previously known about another person or about yourself. It can help you discover aspects of the relationship you can change without requiring the other person to change. And it can allow you to become more accepting of the other person in ways that, until now, you have not been able to see. You may want to use this exercise for people other than your adult child, such as an ex-spouse and ex-friends.
If you have not done imagery before, be assured that this process does not "force" you to go someplace in your mind you do not want to go or do something you do not want to do. Everything that happens to you will be what you decide and what is best for you to gain from this experience. Imagery exercises are valuable because they make use of the healing metaphors and imagery of the right brain, by-passing the more structured analysis of the left brain that sometimes insists there is only one way to view a situation.
To use the following as a guided imagery exercise, read it slowly into a tape recorder, pausing at the places indicated, or have a friend read it to you. Or you may just want to read it several times (to under- stand what you are to do) and then complete the exercise without a tape recording.
After you are through, you may want to take a few moments and write about what happened during the exercise. Some people find it helpful to do the exercise more than once.
Let yourself become as comfortable as possible. Allow yourself to be gently supported by the chair or sofa on which you are sitting and move, if you must, to find the most relaxing position. As you let your body find its comfort, allow your eyes to gently close. . .
Now begin to relax by taking a few slow, deep, abdominal breaths, filling your lungs to capacity and releasing the air as completely as possible . . . Each time you breathe out, say to yourself, "I am relaxing. . ." After two or three of these deep breaths, let your body breathe according to its own natural rhythm, slowly and easily ...
Each time you inhale and exhale normally, allow yourself to become twice as relaxed as you were a moment before . . . Twice as comfortable . . . Twice as peaceful . . . With each breath every cell of your body becomes at ease . . . You find yourself in a state of pleasant, relaxed consciousness . . .
And now imagine that you are standing on a grassy low hill near the sea. You can smell the clean sea air and hear the sounds of birds as they circle overhead and onto the beach below. You notice a path that follows a stream flowing gently into the sea. You take the path and walk slowly to the shore, and then along the shoreline until you come to a dock where a fairly large boat is tied. The weather is perfect and you imagine it would be a good day for taking a boat ride across that sea, or to various places along the sea's edge. Allow yourself to experience being here in a place of calm, serene beauty with a sense of potential healing all around you . . .
As you look back toward the hill on which you were first standing, you notice that there is another path, different from the one you took, that also leads to the shore and then to the dock. You notice on the path a person who, at one time, had been in a relationship with you but with whom you now have a conflict that keeps you physically or emotionally apart. You can see him or her clearly, and even though you may have had difficulty being together in the past, now you realize that no harm will come to either of you in this place.
You watch as the person walks along the path and slowly comes toward you. You greet each other and walk together toward the boat. During this time you discuss how one of you will go on the boat and one of you will wait on the shore. There are a number of reasons why either one of you should go or stay, but you realize that the journey is more necessary for the one than for the other. Perhaps you talk about where it is that either one of you needs to go. You discuss the fact that sometimes people who set out on a voyage and plan to return may discover during their trip that other places hold a strong attraction for them. And so it may be possible that the person taking the trip will not return for some reason.
Once you have decided who will take the journey and who will wait on shore, you pay closer attention to the details of the boat. What does the boat look like? Notice what provisions are already on the boat and which ones still need to be brought on board. How do you fee I about the boat and what it has to offer the one who will be traveling? . . .
Now the one who is to take the journey gets on the boat. The one remaining behind unties the rope that holds the boat to the dock and watches as the boat moves slowly away into the distance and out of sight. The person on shore will experience this time in a way that is just right for that person. The journey may last only a short time, or many months or years may be needed before the journey is over. Since this is an experience in the nonlinear part of the mind, time is not of consequence; the journey can last as long as either of you needs for it to last.
Let the journey begin . . .
Now it is almost time for the boat to return to shore. Does the boat return? If it does not, allow the person on shore to accept the choice of the one who does not return. Have the person who has been waiting sit for a while and consider what it means to allow another person to choose his or her own destiny.
If the boat does return, have the person on shore greet the one who has gone on the journey. Find a comfortable place to sit and talk with the other person heart-to-heart about what happened to each of you while you were apart. You may experience this conversation as a real dialogue in which first one of you and then the other speaks. Or you may just get a sense of what happens as you and the other person discuss what you experienced while you were apart . .
What do you learn that you had not realized before? What happens as you open yourself to listen to what is in the heart of the other? . . .
As you prepare to part, remember that you can return to this place and talk again any time you need to. And now say goodbye and walk back to the hill on separate paths . . .
Become aware of the room again and take a deep breath. As you exhale, accept the healing and insights from this experience as being just right for you at this time. And when you feel ready, open your eyes.
Creating a Story of Healing
The stories we tell about our lives are not fixed and immutable, any more than our lives are fixed and immutable. The thousands of circumstances we have experienced over the years provide a wealth of possible meanings and interpretations. No one of them defines the underlying meaning and substance of events in our lives. But we keep repeating that story over and over again until we are convinced it is the only interpretation anyone could possibly arrive at, if they knew what we know.
If our story is a happy one, we don't have any incentive to change it. This is not the case with the story of disappointed parents who are unable to reconcile with their children. Yet just as we can discover new options by looking through different windows, we can discover that there is more than one story that can reflect what happened between us and our child.
If you are willing to entertain the possibility that your experiences need not be viewed as darkly as you have previously viewed them, you might try a story writing exercise I created. As difficult as it may seem to you now, this exercise can transform your story of conflict and pain into one of acceptance and peace.
This exercise will take a fair amount of time to complete; at least weeks, and probably months. It will be time and energy well spent. And while you can begin at any time, it is best if you wait until after you have worked through most of the tasks in the five stages of healing. Then, after those things have not been able to bring your child back to you, telling your story in a different way can describe the broken relationship in more healing terms.
To begin, find a quiet place, perhaps your private retreat, and sit down to consider what stories you tell yourself, and others, about your family's situation. What is the role you have assigned yourself and what is the role you have assigned your child? What emphasis do you give to each part? When you know how you want this tale to be told, begin with "Once upon a time . . . " (or something else if you wish) and write the first draft of the story of your relationship with your child. Be as creative as you can, perhaps telling your story as though it were about someone else. Write it down as thoroughly as possible and then put it aside.
The next time you feel like working on the story, read what you have written so far and notice what it feels like to have your story on paper. Since stories with many-faceted, complex emotions often change from one telling to the next, notice whether you still feel the way you felt when you first wrote it or whether some feelings have shifted. If something you had written now seems unimportant, or if you are ambivalent about some things you had previously held as absolutes, think about how you might change those things in writing the next draft. Leave this draft for your next visit.
When you return, read the story again and think about how you may want to rewrite it. This time make the rewrite shorter, if possible, leaving in only what you know are the important parts and discarding what is not essential.
Repeat this process as many times as you need, making the story more and more brief. You may even try seeing whether you can tell your story in one sentence! Long or short, realize that your story expresses, in a style that is uniquely yours, essential truths of what has happened. Your story is an important version of the unresolvable rift between you and your child, but remember, too, that it is not the absolute, definitive, final word.
When you have finished, notice what changes have happened to your story since you first began telling it. Notice that each retelling contains elements of the truth, with the whole picture evolving as you interpret events in a different way.
Writing a Letter of Closure
Two and a half years ago I met a woman whose son had recently died of cancer. As we talked, she told me that her son, who was the same age as mine, had abused drugs and alcohol before his diagnosis and continued to blame other people whenever he got into trouble. Knowing that her son was dying, she was able to share with him the things she wanted to say. When he died, she felt their relationship was complete.
Our conversation made me realize that if Matthew died, which was surely possible because he was living on the streets at the time, I would not only feel a deep loss, I would also know I had not shared with him all I wanted to share. I decided to write a letter to him, with a personal copy to each of our children. Since I sometimes over-explain myself, the letter was very long (I would write a shorter one if I were doing it today). However, the purpose was to express what I wanted to say. I did. If it took a long time to read, so be it. If my children did not understand what I was trying to say, so be it. I had done my best and felt a real sense of closure in my relationship with Matthew at that time.
Some time later I was talking with him on the phone about another matter and asked him what the letter had meant to him. His only comment was, "It's apparently something you needed to say, and you have a right to your opinion." That's not exactly the reaction I had hoped for, but at least I assumed he had read it. It would have been great if he had said, "Gee, Mom, now that I see how much you love me and how my situation has affected the whole family, I'm going to enter a treatment program and get a job." But that's just wishful thinking. I had no right to expect or demand him to respond in any particular way; nor was that my intent.
Since I wrote that letter, I have helped other parents write to their children. Before writing those letters, however, it has always been essential that the parent be willing to explore honestly why she wants to write. Only then can she be assured that the letter will not become a rehash of old fights, a defensive and angry diatribe, or a subtle manipulation to get the child to change. The primary purpose of these letters, after all, is to bring closure to a broken relationship, to acknowledge that, as things now stand, there does not seem to be a possibility for reconciliation, even though that is what the parent would prefer.
The origin of your letter arises out of conflict, of course, and you will want to take plenty of time deciding what should be included and excluded. You don't want to fan the flames but to put them out.
While there are many approaches you can take in writing your letter, I offer the following as important guidelines.
Say why you are sending a letter at this time. Perhaps you may want to tell your child that after doing some work on your own issues you have decided to put past conflicts behind you by acknowledging those things that are unlikely to change.
Make certain that the letter is an expression of love.
Be honest in what you say and in how you say it. And remember that any attempts at manipulation are only likely to drive your child further away.
Be sure to tell your child that what you write is your perspective of what has happened and not necessarily "the truth."
Assume that your child is in pain over the rift in the family, even though he may seem not to care; a cavalier attitude can hide a great deal of pain. Let him know you understand that painful emotions are possibly the reason he has chosen not to be open to reconciliation and that you hope he is able eventually to find peace to heal his own pain.
Let your child know you recognize that he has a right to make the choices he has made and you also recognize that his choices are reasonable to him, even though you do not understand them.
Do not accuse him of ruining your life or causing you physical problems. (Although I had a back operation brought on by stress during a time when there was much turmoil over problems with Matthew, I have never blamed him for my inability to handle stress more effectively.)
Acknowledge that you influenced him in many ways when he was a child and accept responsibility for your part in the current problems between you. Do not, however, take all the responsibility in the hope that, by doing so, he will return to the bosom of the family. He is an adult and responsible for his own actions.
Realize that your spouse or another significant person in your child's life also influenced him, both positively and negatively, and you may want to discuss that person as well. Be careful, however, to acknowledge that your view of that person is your own and may be distorted by your need to see that person in a particular light.
Let him know what you appreciate about him and how you hold onto the good times you shared. Do not, however, expect that just because your child enjoyed trips to the beach and family vacations that his perception of problems in your family cannot possibly be true.
Keep the door open for future contact, if you would like that to happen.
A Ritual for Goodbye and Closure
Rituals remind us of our connections with the past and open us to new adventures in the future. They can be significant passages between the different periods of our lives and the different roles we have played. Fortunately, there are rituals you can create for the closure of relationships, when you may need to change from being a parent who has had a relationship with a child to being a parent who no longer has that relationship. These ritual events are not unlike the ritual discussed earlier in which the process of grief is facilitated by releasing lost dreams through writing them on pieces of paper.
The following ritual is designed to encourage closure by celebrating the best of who your child was in the past and/or is now, even though you are not part of her life. This ceremony is especially helpful for relationships irrevocably broken by death. It can be done privately or can include others who have played important roles in your child's life. You may want to do this ritual only once or several times. Experiment to see what works best for you.
On the anniversary of your child's birth, or some other day that was important to both you and your child, set aside time to experience the love you had for her and what you have learned from the life you shared. Go to a place that was special for her, such as the park or the beach. Bring with you several things to help in the ceremony you plan: pictures you want to remember her by, a poem she liked, a copy of her favorite book, or a scarf in a color she loved. Sit down on a blanket or chair and imagine the spirit of your child is there and is receptive to what you say, glad you have taken this time to honor her.
Begin the "ceremony" by telling your child how you have loved her and what it is you have learned. You may want to read the story you have written and share what has been going on in your life while you have been estranged. Express your love, resentments, regrets, appreciations, dreams, and memories. Let your words reflect the desire that your child have a successful life and find peace for herself, just as you are finding peace for yourself. Remember that when people who have been good friends part company in strong disagreement, the greatest gift of love is when one sincerely wishes the other success. Do not worry if what you say isn't said perfectly. Your child's heart will understand. Your heart will also be listening, and healing.
The following examples offer a few ideas of the kinds of things you may want to say to your child.
"When you were very small, Sharon, I was sure that what I felt for you was love, but now I realize it was the love of possessing someone who would love me back, because I never felt really loved before. Now I see that what I thought was love may have suffocated you and driven you away. And so my lesson has been that children are not possessions. We must hold them gently and then release them to their own experiences. I let you go and wish you well."
"Jeremy, I have always loved you and always will, so it has been difficult for me to be separated from you all these years. I regret so terribly much the mistake I made in allowing your stepfather to come between us when I had a chance to make a difference in our relationship. I understand that you are bitter and that you feel it is better if I do not have contact with you. Since I want so much to include you in my life, I am very sad. When I see little children playing in the park, I cannot help but think of Alex and Bruce and wonder how much they have grown. I would like you to know that I now spend a lot of time with my neighbor's little boys, four and six, who love to come and have cookies. And we sometimes play that silly card game of Fish that you liked so much. I let go and hope you do well on your new job."
"Paul, our relationship was filled with conflict before you committed suicide, and your leaving has made life that much more difficult. We have been filled with anger, pain and guilt. Now I want to heal the rift that stood between us, a rift that may have been part of the reason you decided to take your life. I am deeply sorry you saw no other way out, but I realize you made that choice, I didn't. Since your death I have spent a lot of time not only remembering the love I tried to give you but learning about my role as a parent in your life. I have chosen this special ceremony to share my feelings with you and I believe that you can hear what I want to say Ñ and that both of us can now be at peace."
One Day at a Time
We have all heard the ancient Chinese saying that a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. A newer proverb sees progress in a little different way. This wise saying was created by Jeremy, the son of Paula Caplan, author of Don't Blame Mother. He noted that, "On a staircase there is only one real step. The rest are there only to help you along the way."
When you are tempted to become discouraged by the distance you have to go in closing a painful part of your life, remind yourself that all you can do is take one step after the other. And then stop every once in a while to look back and see where you have come from.
On the wall of a friend's house is a poster that says, "You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future." Remember that saying when you start fretting about what may happen in the years ahead. Live each day fully in the present, knowing that by doing so you will be better able to handle what tomorrow will bring.
When you bring healing closure to a relationship that seems blocked to reconciliation, new doors may open when you least expect them. And you will be ready for them.
© Copyright 1994, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT, Reprinted with permission.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Overprotective Parenting: Living Vicariously Through Children
Overprotective Parenting
James P. Krehbiel
Here is a story which is not unique in the world of counseling and teenage sports. The parents of a high school athlete make an appointment for their teen to see a counselor. During the session, they explain that their athlete is on the verge of making the varsity team as a sophomore. They respond with, "Our child has the skills. Our future super star is experiencing some performance anxiety that is affecting his playing status — do you think you can help our child?" After the counselor meets first with the parents to assess the situation, he requests that the parents bring their child in for a visit.
The teenager meets with the counselor and after spending a session together, several observations are made by the counselor:
These parents have a really nice child.
The child's insights about the family dynamics far surpass those of the parents.
The teenager demonstrates no signs of performance anxiety, but rather is angry at his parents for dragging him into counseling and dramatizing the importance of sports.
He enjoys playing sports, but they are a preference, not a necessity in his life.
The student athlete wishes his parents would back off with all their intensity over athletic performance.
The counselor asks the teenager if he would be willing to let the counselor share some of the child's observations with his parents. The teen gladly consents to the sharing of information with the parents.
The parents meet with the counselor and are mystified by the counselor's reiteration of their child's thoughts and feelings. They feel that the counselor has been remiss in not focusing on what they perceive as the presenting problem — the performance anxiety issue. The parents leave the session with frustration and fail to make a follow-up appointment for their child.
Often, parents live vicariously through their children, usually without being aware that they are doing it. They over-function, or are overprotective, and view their children as an extension of themselves. Parents, who have the financial means, may take the extra step of hiring personalized athletic trainers, send their kids to endless sports camps, and hire sports psychologists hoping to give their child the needed edge to gain sports notoriety. Invariably, the motivation for these added performance enhancers comes from the parents, not the child.
Sports, however, are not the only time when parents are overprotective. There are other ways that a parent may overprotect their teenagers. In the following case, parents shielded their children from the logical consequences of their behavior. I recall reading about a substance abuse treatment program implemented by a prestigious high-school in suburban Chicago. A significant number of students were chronically self-medicating with marijuana and other illicit drugs. The school was attempting to hold their students accountable in the face of intense parental pressure. Parents of the students' who were violating the law and school policies, proceeded to the school accompanied by their attorneys in an attempt to overturn any consequences established by the school or police. They also wanted any school records expunged which sited their child's violations. According to the article, many of the baby-boomer parents dismissed the school efforts to deal with the drug problem, took action against the school and police, and admitted to being users themselves.
Parents have other ways of protecting their children's behavior. Once, I conducted a presentation for a middle school PTO. The topic was the downside of pop culture. In the presentation I was exploring the connection between violent video games and the perpetuation of violence and aggression within our society. I felt that several parents in the audience believed that I was being overly dramatic about this issue. One woman exclaimed, "I can't control my child's electronic gadgetry because there is too much peer pressure. It's so acceptable that it's too hard to monitor." No one said it was easy to set limit for children, but it is necessary. My contention that kids are hard-wired in such a way that they have trouble differentiating fantasy from reality fell on deaf ears. These defensive parents could not recognize that they were validating unhealthy behavior by protecting those behaviors.
Frequently, parents act as accomplices through overprotective parenting. They vicariously live through their children in ways that put excessive pressure on them. They also excuse away their children's behavior in an attempt to rescue them from the consequences of their behavior. Failing to differentiate children's feelings from their own is overprotecting. Enabling destructive behaviors by allowing them is overprotecting. The process of appropriate parenting can only be successfully navigated if parents choose to role-model mature/adult behavior, hold their children accountable for mistakes, and refuse to let their children off the hook when they display improper behavior.
James P. Krehbiel is a licensed professional counselor and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He can be reached at (480) 664-6665 or krehbielcounseling.com.
James P. Krehbiel
Here is a story which is not unique in the world of counseling and teenage sports. The parents of a high school athlete make an appointment for their teen to see a counselor. During the session, they explain that their athlete is on the verge of making the varsity team as a sophomore. They respond with, "Our child has the skills. Our future super star is experiencing some performance anxiety that is affecting his playing status — do you think you can help our child?" After the counselor meets first with the parents to assess the situation, he requests that the parents bring their child in for a visit.
The teenager meets with the counselor and after spending a session together, several observations are made by the counselor:
These parents have a really nice child.
The child's insights about the family dynamics far surpass those of the parents.
The teenager demonstrates no signs of performance anxiety, but rather is angry at his parents for dragging him into counseling and dramatizing the importance of sports.
He enjoys playing sports, but they are a preference, not a necessity in his life.
The student athlete wishes his parents would back off with all their intensity over athletic performance.
The counselor asks the teenager if he would be willing to let the counselor share some of the child's observations with his parents. The teen gladly consents to the sharing of information with the parents.
The parents meet with the counselor and are mystified by the counselor's reiteration of their child's thoughts and feelings. They feel that the counselor has been remiss in not focusing on what they perceive as the presenting problem — the performance anxiety issue. The parents leave the session with frustration and fail to make a follow-up appointment for their child.
Often, parents live vicariously through their children, usually without being aware that they are doing it. They over-function, or are overprotective, and view their children as an extension of themselves. Parents, who have the financial means, may take the extra step of hiring personalized athletic trainers, send their kids to endless sports camps, and hire sports psychologists hoping to give their child the needed edge to gain sports notoriety. Invariably, the motivation for these added performance enhancers comes from the parents, not the child.
Sports, however, are not the only time when parents are overprotective. There are other ways that a parent may overprotect their teenagers. In the following case, parents shielded their children from the logical consequences of their behavior. I recall reading about a substance abuse treatment program implemented by a prestigious high-school in suburban Chicago. A significant number of students were chronically self-medicating with marijuana and other illicit drugs. The school was attempting to hold their students accountable in the face of intense parental pressure. Parents of the students' who were violating the law and school policies, proceeded to the school accompanied by their attorneys in an attempt to overturn any consequences established by the school or police. They also wanted any school records expunged which sited their child's violations. According to the article, many of the baby-boomer parents dismissed the school efforts to deal with the drug problem, took action against the school and police, and admitted to being users themselves.
Parents have other ways of protecting their children's behavior. Once, I conducted a presentation for a middle school PTO. The topic was the downside of pop culture. In the presentation I was exploring the connection between violent video games and the perpetuation of violence and aggression within our society. I felt that several parents in the audience believed that I was being overly dramatic about this issue. One woman exclaimed, "I can't control my child's electronic gadgetry because there is too much peer pressure. It's so acceptable that it's too hard to monitor." No one said it was easy to set limit for children, but it is necessary. My contention that kids are hard-wired in such a way that they have trouble differentiating fantasy from reality fell on deaf ears. These defensive parents could not recognize that they were validating unhealthy behavior by protecting those behaviors.
Frequently, parents act as accomplices through overprotective parenting. They vicariously live through their children in ways that put excessive pressure on them. They also excuse away their children's behavior in an attempt to rescue them from the consequences of their behavior. Failing to differentiate children's feelings from their own is overprotecting. Enabling destructive behaviors by allowing them is overprotecting. The process of appropriate parenting can only be successfully navigated if parents choose to role-model mature/adult behavior, hold their children accountable for mistakes, and refuse to let their children off the hook when they display improper behavior.
James P. Krehbiel is a licensed professional counselor and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. He can be reached at (480) 664-6665 or krehbielcounseling.com.
The Testing of Obedience
The Testing of Obedience
In addition to perfecting our faith through obedience, we must allow God to purify and strengthen our faith through trials and tribulations (see James 1:3-4). By faith, we keep our eyes on Jesus in the midst of trials, believing that "the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us" (Romans 8:18). Peter comforted those who faced suffering with these words: "That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honor and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ" (I Peter 1:7). Thankfully, we do not suffer alone for Christ, for "all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution" (II Timothy 3:12).
The ultimate indicator of your faith is whether you love God with all your heart and keep His commandments, with or without adversity, in difficult times and in good times. "And hereby we do know that we know him, if we keep his commandments" (I John 2:3). Such faith and obedience does not require striving to follow a list of rules or struggling hard in your own efforts. For when God has first place in your heart, obeying His voice will flow naturally out of love for Him.
In addition to perfecting our faith through obedience, we must allow God to purify and strengthen our faith through trials and tribulations (see James 1:3-4). By faith, we keep our eyes on Jesus in the midst of trials, believing that "the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us" (Romans 8:18). Peter comforted those who faced suffering with these words: "That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honor and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ" (I Peter 1:7). Thankfully, we do not suffer alone for Christ, for "all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution" (II Timothy 3:12).
The ultimate indicator of your faith is whether you love God with all your heart and keep His commandments, with or without adversity, in difficult times and in good times. "And hereby we do know that we know him, if we keep his commandments" (I John 2:3). Such faith and obedience does not require striving to follow a list of rules or struggling hard in your own efforts. For when God has first place in your heart, obeying His voice will flow naturally out of love for Him.
New York Football Giants = COMPLETE DOMIANTION
New York Football Giants = COMPLETE DOMIANTION
M.D. Wright
11.17.08
I cannot say this enough. I get tired of people who hate the Giants talking all this nonsense about "But the Titans are 10-0" or "Wait 'til Week 16!!! (The 8-2 Carolina Panthers come to East Rutherford that week)".
What...???
Let me explain something.
The Giants' offensive line is the best in the NFL. Anyone who says otherwise is jealous and willfully blind. This unit, comprised of Dave Diehl, Rich Seubert, Shaun O'Hara, Chris Snee and Kareem McKenzie have been playing together for five years now. There is something to be said for chemistry and consistency. The offensive line has gotten progressively better since 2004 when they were assembled. Now? The Giants lead the NFL in rushing at 170 yards per game. Earth (Brandon Jacobs), Wind (Derrick Ward), & Fire (Ahmad Bradshaw), as they've been dubbed, pound teams into submission. Even the Baltimore Ravens, who only surrender about 65 yards per game rushing usually.
The Giants managed 210 (minus three on kneel downs to wrap it up) in Week 11.
Eli Manning has cut down dramatically on his mistakes. He reverted to his rookie mistakes versus Cleveland in Week 6, which was a loss, but other than that, Eli has done what he needs to do. He proved he could single-handedly win games, and he proved he could "manage" (I hate that word) games -- which he has done of late.
The defensive line sets the tone for the entire defense. Although the Pittsburgh Steelers surpassed the Giants in sacks two weeks ago, sacks do not dictate how great a defensive unit is. The Giants make timely and HUGE plays. The sacks are just a portion of that. The linebackers keep contain. They stay in their gap and maintain gap discipline, they are good in coverage and are solid tacklers.
The secondary, which people who don't even watch Giant games (only highlight shows), is much better than people realize. They come up with huge interceptions (a dozen in the past six weeks?) excellent tacklers and with rookie free safety Kenny Phillips (Sean Taylor 2.0 -- FROM?!?!) the Giants are pretty much the best defense in the NFC and only second to the Steelers or Titans, if second at all.
Add to that, clutch kicking from John Carney, Sheila MacRae, Audrey Meadows, GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY!!! The best punter in the history of the NFL (and master of the Coffin Corner Kick) Jeff Feagles, and a very good return game featuring Domenik Hixon on punts and Ahmad Bradshaw on kickoffs and the Giants do not have any glaring weaknesses.
The Steelers do: Ben Roethlisberger and his decision-making. Their offensive line woes. Willie Parker's health. Their secondary's tendency to gamble to make big plays.
The Titans do: Kerry Collins did what he is doing right now with the Titans back in 2000 with the Giants. DO NOT BELIEVE THE HYPE. They run the ball excellently (aside from the loss to the Chicago Bears -- 29 rushes, 20 yards). They have the best defensive tackle in the NFL (and it's not close) in Albert Haynesworth. Their linebackers are solid, if not unspectacular. Their secondary consists of ballhawks (especially Courtland Finnegan, who is underrated).
But one thing that holds Tennessee back -- their ability to pass for yardage when their running game is stifled. Sure, they did it against Green Bay and Chicago, but those aren't great defenses. We will see when they play Indianapolis (with a healthy Bob Sanders) and Pittsburgh -- or even the Giants, should both teams reach the Super Bowl. Again I say, Kerry Collins will KILL them if he has to pass the ball 30-35 times per game. Eli Manning for the most part only makes one or two bad throws per game, and every other game, one of them will be an INT. Collins hasn't seen anything yet.
This is the most you'll hear a seasoned Giant fan of 25 years toot our horn, because we all know better. Even the Giants teams from 1985-1993 (excluding Handley in 1991-1992), with all their talent and dominance, did not elicit bragging from the fans. The 2008 outfit won't either.
All I am saying is, right now, the Giants = COMPLETE DOMINATION.
We will see if that lasts into February 2009 when it matters most. No bragging. No prognostications. No putting Dallas, Washington (or WARSHINGTON, as Lee Corso says it) and the Iggles down. Just focusing on US.
M.D. Wright
11.17.08
I cannot say this enough. I get tired of people who hate the Giants talking all this nonsense about "But the Titans are 10-0" or "Wait 'til Week 16!!! (The 8-2 Carolina Panthers come to East Rutherford that week)".
What...???
Let me explain something.
The Giants' offensive line is the best in the NFL. Anyone who says otherwise is jealous and willfully blind. This unit, comprised of Dave Diehl, Rich Seubert, Shaun O'Hara, Chris Snee and Kareem McKenzie have been playing together for five years now. There is something to be said for chemistry and consistency. The offensive line has gotten progressively better since 2004 when they were assembled. Now? The Giants lead the NFL in rushing at 170 yards per game. Earth (Brandon Jacobs), Wind (Derrick Ward), & Fire (Ahmad Bradshaw), as they've been dubbed, pound teams into submission. Even the Baltimore Ravens, who only surrender about 65 yards per game rushing usually.
The Giants managed 210 (minus three on kneel downs to wrap it up) in Week 11.
Eli Manning has cut down dramatically on his mistakes. He reverted to his rookie mistakes versus Cleveland in Week 6, which was a loss, but other than that, Eli has done what he needs to do. He proved he could single-handedly win games, and he proved he could "manage" (I hate that word) games -- which he has done of late.
The defensive line sets the tone for the entire defense. Although the Pittsburgh Steelers surpassed the Giants in sacks two weeks ago, sacks do not dictate how great a defensive unit is. The Giants make timely and HUGE plays. The sacks are just a portion of that. The linebackers keep contain. They stay in their gap and maintain gap discipline, they are good in coverage and are solid tacklers.
The secondary, which people who don't even watch Giant games (only highlight shows), is much better than people realize. They come up with huge interceptions (a dozen in the past six weeks?) excellent tacklers and with rookie free safety Kenny Phillips (Sean Taylor 2.0 -- FROM?!?!) the Giants are pretty much the best defense in the NFC and only second to the Steelers or Titans, if second at all.
Add to that, clutch kicking from John Carney, Sheila MacRae, Audrey Meadows, GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY!!! The best punter in the history of the NFL (and master of the Coffin Corner Kick) Jeff Feagles, and a very good return game featuring Domenik Hixon on punts and Ahmad Bradshaw on kickoffs and the Giants do not have any glaring weaknesses.
The Steelers do: Ben Roethlisberger and his decision-making. Their offensive line woes. Willie Parker's health. Their secondary's tendency to gamble to make big plays.
The Titans do: Kerry Collins did what he is doing right now with the Titans back in 2000 with the Giants. DO NOT BELIEVE THE HYPE. They run the ball excellently (aside from the loss to the Chicago Bears -- 29 rushes, 20 yards). They have the best defensive tackle in the NFL (and it's not close) in Albert Haynesworth. Their linebackers are solid, if not unspectacular. Their secondary consists of ballhawks (especially Courtland Finnegan, who is underrated).
But one thing that holds Tennessee back -- their ability to pass for yardage when their running game is stifled. Sure, they did it against Green Bay and Chicago, but those aren't great defenses. We will see when they play Indianapolis (with a healthy Bob Sanders) and Pittsburgh -- or even the Giants, should both teams reach the Super Bowl. Again I say, Kerry Collins will KILL them if he has to pass the ball 30-35 times per game. Eli Manning for the most part only makes one or two bad throws per game, and every other game, one of them will be an INT. Collins hasn't seen anything yet.
This is the most you'll hear a seasoned Giant fan of 25 years toot our horn, because we all know better. Even the Giants teams from 1985-1993 (excluding Handley in 1991-1992), with all their talent and dominance, did not elicit bragging from the fans. The 2008 outfit won't either.
All I am saying is, right now, the Giants = COMPLETE DOMINATION.
We will see if that lasts into February 2009 when it matters most. No bragging. No prognostications. No putting Dallas, Washington (or WARSHINGTON, as Lee Corso says it) and the Iggles down. Just focusing on US.
Friday, November 14, 2008
U Send Me Swingin'... For The Fences
Do you like playing sports or watching them on tv?
I prefer playing, but until my doctor clears me to play, I have to settle for TV.
What's your favorite sport to play?
Basketball. Golf is a close second.
Which sport would you prefer to watch?
Football.
Do you play in a league, for fun, or both?
League until I left my full-time job. I'm going to get back to it when I get back to NY.
Have you ever injured yourself playing any sports?
That's how I hurt my back, which is why I am out right now (or as Al Michaels would say, "he's out with a back"). Along with a broken wrist in 2001 and a few other nicks and bumps that come with sports.
Do you prefer contact sports or non-contact sports?
Contact. Pause.
Have you ever been to a professional sport event?
Tons. But none since earlier this year. We need to fix this.
Have you ever played on a school team?
Yes.
Who has the coolest jerseys?
San Diego Super Chargers Powder Blue.
Do you consider yourself very competative when you play?
Yes, but not out of control like Mike Jordan was.
How often do you play any kind of sport?
When healthy, almost daily.
Who is your favorite athlete?
Right now, Kobe Bryant.
Who is your favorite retired player?
Mike Jordan.
Have you ever wanted to go pro?
Not really. I prefer to be the one who OWNS things, so I'd rather spend time learning how to do that, than to be some team owner's SLAVE.
What was your favorite super bowl?
Super Bowls XXI, XXV and XLII. Need you ask?
Did you play more sports as a kid or now?
It's the same (save for my current injury status which is "doubtful" on the injury chart).
What sport do you wish you had played on a team?
Football. The only reason I didn't was because of my illness in high school. I had the coaches salivating (pause) at the thought of starting me at WR (Smith had sucky WRs, but even if they were great, I could've started). I had 4.38 speed in the 40 (still 4.4 when healthy) and also, because I idolized Deion Sanders growing up, I played cornerback very well. No jokes, ask Coaches Ratliff and Porter from Smith.
Which sport do you think you are the best at?
Basketball now. My jumpshot is legendary around the pickup circuit in Greensboro hah. Also at Tillery (Bklyn) and GOAT 99th/Amsterdam (UWS) where I used to play.
Which sport have you tried but was not good at?
Tennis.
FOOTBALL
Who is your favorite player that plays now?
That's tough. Probably gotta say it is a three-way tie between Justin Tuck, Brandon Jacobs and Adrian Peterson.
Who is your favorite retired player?
Deion Sanders and it's not close.
Who is your favorite team?
New York FOOTBALL Giants since 1985. Don't even try to pull my card.
What was your favorite super bowl?
Again... XXI, XXV, XLII.
What is your favorite possition?
Cornerback.
Who has the coolest jerseys?
San Diego.
Who is the greatest player in the league right now?
How about I just go down the position list, it's not fair to say one guy is the best. And I'm not taking their TEAM'S record into consideration, solely their individual performances. RIGHT NOW.
QB - Kurt Warner.
RB - Adrian Peterson/Clinton Portis (tie).
FB - Tony Richardson.
WR (Z) - Larry Fitzgerald/Randy Moss (tie).
WR (X) - Anquan Boldin.
WR (SL) - Wes Welker (although it pains me to say it). Steve Smith (Giants) is close second.
TE - Jason Witten/Tony Gonzalez (tie).
LT - Dave Diehl.
LG - Steve Huchinson.
C - Shaun O'Hara.
RG - Chris Snee (road grader, and PULLS with the best of them).
RT - Kareem McKenzie.
LE - Shaun Ellis.
DT (Left) - Fred Robbins.
DT (Right) - Shaun Rogers.
NT - Kris Jenkins/Jamal Williams/Casey Hampton (tie)
RE - Justin Tuck.
SLB - Lamarr Woodley.
MLB - Antonio Pierce/Pat Willis (tie).
WLB - Joey Porter.
LCB - Champ Bailey/Charles Woodson (tie).
RCB - Courtland Finnegan/Corey Webster (tie).
SS - Adrian Wilson (FROM?!?!?!).
FS - Bob Sanders.
PK - Nick Folk.
P - Jeff Feagles.
Kickoff RS - Leon Washington.
Punt RS - Josh Cribbs.
What Team is the worst in the league?
Detroit Lions.
Is this your favorite sport?
Probably hah.
HOCKEY
Who is your favorite player that plays now?
Sid The Kid Sidney Crosby /Alexandre Ovechkin (tie).
Who is your favorite retired player?
Mess.
Who is your favorite team?
New York Hockey Rangers.
Who is the best young player right now?
Sid.
Who has the sweetest jerseys?
Rangers alternate jerseys from the mid 90s.
Who is your favorite goalie?
Marty Brodeur.
What is your favorite possition?
F.
Who is the greatest of all time?
Wayne Gretzky.
BASEBALL
Who is your favorite player?
Alex Rodriguez (exclude 2008 hah).
Who is your favorite team?
New York Baseball Yankees.
Who is the best player on that team?
Still Alex.
Who is the best pitcher in the league?
Tiny Tim Lincecum?
What is your favorite possition?
SS/RF/3B -- the positions I played.
Who is the best of all time?
Kenneth.
Who has the coolest jerseys?
Yanks of course!
The Fathers and their army joints are wavy, though.
What do you like a team to have, pitching or hitting?
Timely hitting and GREAT PITCHING AND DEFENSE.
Do you hate the yankees?
Not at all. Just for the bad free agent decisions (Swisher? When Teixiera can be had, for instance...)
Is this your favorite sport?
It was in the 80s.
BASKETBALL
Who is your favorite player who plays now?
Kobe Bryant.
Who is your favorite retired player?
Mike Jordan/Pat Ewing (tie). Thunder Dan Majerle is up there, too. I got too many favs. Tim & Anfernee I Do Things The Hardaway. Do not get me started about late 80s-mid 90s NBA.
Who has the sweetest jerseys?
I dunno, Hawks I guess.
What is your favorite team?
New York Basketball Knicks/Los Angeles Lakers (exemption card-carrier).
Who is the best player on that team?
Knicks: The best player is sitting on the bench for SOME reason (Stephon Marbury).
Lakers: Kobe Bryant.
Have you ever played this on a team?
Yes, I've played in leagues and coached for two years. I'm too much like Bob Knight when I coach. Bad for my arteries. I had an unruly team in 2002-2003. Should have won the city league, except we had knuckleheads who got a bunch of T's and cost us the league semifinal game that year.
Who is the greatest of all time?
MJ23.
Who is the best in the league right now?
1. Kobe Bryant.
2. LeBron James (41 pts every other night now?)
3. Chris Paul.
Is this your favorite sport?
To play? Yes.
To watch? Only if the Lakers or one of my favorite players are playing .
RANDOM
Do you like hunting or fishing?
Fishing, yes. I don't have a permit to shoot wild game yet.
Do you like golf?
I LOFE IT.
Do you like volleyball?
I did more so when I was younger.
Do you like tennis?
Only watching it. I suck playing tennis. Never understood why that was.
I prefer playing, but until my doctor clears me to play, I have to settle for TV.
What's your favorite sport to play?
Basketball. Golf is a close second.
Which sport would you prefer to watch?
Football.
Do you play in a league, for fun, or both?
League until I left my full-time job. I'm going to get back to it when I get back to NY.
Have you ever injured yourself playing any sports?
That's how I hurt my back, which is why I am out right now (or as Al Michaels would say, "he's out with a back"). Along with a broken wrist in 2001 and a few other nicks and bumps that come with sports.
Do you prefer contact sports or non-contact sports?
Contact. Pause.
Have you ever been to a professional sport event?
Tons. But none since earlier this year. We need to fix this.
Have you ever played on a school team?
Yes.
Who has the coolest jerseys?
San Diego Super Chargers Powder Blue.
Do you consider yourself very competative when you play?
Yes, but not out of control like Mike Jordan was.
How often do you play any kind of sport?
When healthy, almost daily.
Who is your favorite athlete?
Right now, Kobe Bryant.
Who is your favorite retired player?
Mike Jordan.
Have you ever wanted to go pro?
Not really. I prefer to be the one who OWNS things, so I'd rather spend time learning how to do that, than to be some team owner's SLAVE.
What was your favorite super bowl?
Super Bowls XXI, XXV and XLII. Need you ask?
Did you play more sports as a kid or now?
It's the same (save for my current injury status which is "doubtful" on the injury chart).
What sport do you wish you had played on a team?
Football. The only reason I didn't was because of my illness in high school. I had the coaches salivating (pause) at the thought of starting me at WR (Smith had sucky WRs, but even if they were great, I could've started). I had 4.38 speed in the 40 (still 4.4 when healthy) and also, because I idolized Deion Sanders growing up, I played cornerback very well. No jokes, ask Coaches Ratliff and Porter from Smith.
Which sport do you think you are the best at?
Basketball now. My jumpshot is legendary around the pickup circuit in Greensboro hah. Also at Tillery (Bklyn) and GOAT 99th/Amsterdam (UWS) where I used to play.
Which sport have you tried but was not good at?
Tennis.
FOOTBALL
Who is your favorite player that plays now?
That's tough. Probably gotta say it is a three-way tie between Justin Tuck, Brandon Jacobs and Adrian Peterson.
Who is your favorite retired player?
Deion Sanders and it's not close.
Who is your favorite team?
New York FOOTBALL Giants since 1985. Don't even try to pull my card.
What was your favorite super bowl?
Again... XXI, XXV, XLII.
What is your favorite possition?
Cornerback.
Who has the coolest jerseys?
San Diego.
Who is the greatest player in the league right now?
How about I just go down the position list, it's not fair to say one guy is the best. And I'm not taking their TEAM'S record into consideration, solely their individual performances. RIGHT NOW.
QB - Kurt Warner.
RB - Adrian Peterson/Clinton Portis (tie).
FB - Tony Richardson.
WR (Z) - Larry Fitzgerald/Randy Moss (tie).
WR (X) - Anquan Boldin.
WR (SL) - Wes Welker (although it pains me to say it). Steve Smith (Giants) is close second.
TE - Jason Witten/Tony Gonzalez (tie).
LT - Dave Diehl.
LG - Steve Huchinson.
C - Shaun O'Hara.
RG - Chris Snee (road grader, and PULLS with the best of them).
RT - Kareem McKenzie.
LE - Shaun Ellis.
DT (Left) - Fred Robbins.
DT (Right) - Shaun Rogers.
NT - Kris Jenkins/Jamal Williams/Casey Hampton (tie)
RE - Justin Tuck.
SLB - Lamarr Woodley.
MLB - Antonio Pierce/Pat Willis (tie).
WLB - Joey Porter.
LCB - Champ Bailey/Charles Woodson (tie).
RCB - Courtland Finnegan/Corey Webster (tie).
SS - Adrian Wilson (FROM?!?!?!).
FS - Bob Sanders.
PK - Nick Folk.
P - Jeff Feagles.
Kickoff RS - Leon Washington.
Punt RS - Josh Cribbs.
What Team is the worst in the league?
Detroit Lions.
Is this your favorite sport?
Probably hah.
HOCKEY
Who is your favorite player that plays now?
Sid The Kid Sidney Crosby /Alexandre Ovechkin (tie).
Who is your favorite retired player?
Mess.
Who is your favorite team?
New York Hockey Rangers.
Who is the best young player right now?
Sid.
Who has the sweetest jerseys?
Rangers alternate jerseys from the mid 90s.
Who is your favorite goalie?
Marty Brodeur.
What is your favorite possition?
F.
Who is the greatest of all time?
Wayne Gretzky.
BASEBALL
Who is your favorite player?
Alex Rodriguez (exclude 2008 hah).
Who is your favorite team?
New York Baseball Yankees.
Who is the best player on that team?
Still Alex.
Who is the best pitcher in the league?
Tiny Tim Lincecum?
What is your favorite possition?
SS/RF/3B -- the positions I played.
Who is the best of all time?
Kenneth.
Who has the coolest jerseys?
Yanks of course!
The Fathers and their army joints are wavy, though.
What do you like a team to have, pitching or hitting?
Timely hitting and GREAT PITCHING AND DEFENSE.
Do you hate the yankees?
Not at all. Just for the bad free agent decisions (Swisher? When Teixiera can be had, for instance...)
Is this your favorite sport?
It was in the 80s.
BASKETBALL
Who is your favorite player who plays now?
Kobe Bryant.
Who is your favorite retired player?
Mike Jordan/Pat Ewing (tie). Thunder Dan Majerle is up there, too. I got too many favs. Tim & Anfernee I Do Things The Hardaway. Do not get me started about late 80s-mid 90s NBA.
Who has the sweetest jerseys?
I dunno, Hawks I guess.
What is your favorite team?
New York Basketball Knicks/Los Angeles Lakers (exemption card-carrier).
Who is the best player on that team?
Knicks: The best player is sitting on the bench for SOME reason (Stephon Marbury).
Lakers: Kobe Bryant.
Have you ever played this on a team?
Yes, I've played in leagues and coached for two years. I'm too much like Bob Knight when I coach. Bad for my arteries. I had an unruly team in 2002-2003. Should have won the city league, except we had knuckleheads who got a bunch of T's and cost us the league semifinal game that year.
Who is the greatest of all time?
MJ23.
Who is the best in the league right now?
1. Kobe Bryant.
2. LeBron James (41 pts every other night now?)
3. Chris Paul.
Is this your favorite sport?
To play? Yes.
To watch? Only if the Lakers or one of my favorite players are playing .
RANDOM
Do you like hunting or fishing?
Fishing, yes. I don't have a permit to shoot wild game yet.
Do you like golf?
I LOFE IT.
Do you like volleyball?
I did more so when I was younger.
Do you like tennis?
Only watching it. I suck playing tennis. Never understood why that was.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
A Loss That Is Not a Loss, Pt. III
A Loss That Is Not a Loss, Pt. III
Hudson Russell Davis
Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
“They sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.”
— Job 2:13
The trouble for the beleaguered single is that their specter is ephemeral—it lacks substance, lacks shape, and lacks form. It is a shadow; a longing and expectation fueled by desire and sustained by hope. It is as difficult for the single to explain their sorrow as it is for some of our comforters to understand. It is a loss that is not a loss, an ambiguous loss.
I found myself suffering from a heartbreak several years ago while working in ministry. I shared my ministry duties with another leader whose wife had a miscarriage. He took some time off, and I filled in. I was miserable, hurting, wounded and my smile was pained and unconvincing. I was rebuked for my “unwillingness to die to self” and my colleague was comforted in his time of loss.
I took the rebuke and pondered the truthfulness of the charge. I wondered what it is to die to self and what it is to mourn. Are the rules different for those in ministry? Are the rules different for the single Christian? To smile and pretend all was well seemed hypocritical to me. But to wear my heart on my sleeve may be equally inappropriate.
Before someone says, “You cannot compare the death of a child to a heartbreak!” yes I can. They are not the same, not equal, not close in measure, but they can feel the same—like death. What is important is not our idea or categories of tragedy but the reality of suffering. Each person has his or her moment of deep sorrow and each person suffers differently. The same compassion was not extended to me because what I suffered appeared trivial. I am sure I would mourn a miscarriage over a heartbreak but I did not suffer a miscarriage. I suffered a heartbreak and the pain was very real, very deep, and profoundly crippling. It was a loss that was not a loss, an ambiguous loss.
In Ambiguous Loss, Pauline Boss wrote, “… meaningful connections can’t happen if people in the community never validate ambiguous loss as a traumatic loss” (79). That is inescapably true. The single does not want separate, special treatment. They want equal treatment. They want an understanding that while a mother has many problems to deal with, the heart of a single woman also needs care. Yes, many married women muse that single women are “lucky,” but single women crave that burden of children.
What ambiguous loss can do is isolate. It not only isolates singles from singles but singles from married in the church. This is true because we are all so prone to see our problems as great and the pains of others as menial. That’s why it is easy to say, “Snap out of it!” or “You need to die to self.” It all seems so easy from the other side. There is the miscarriage of a child but what about the miscarriage of the hope for children? What about the death of dreams?
It is a kick in the stomach to be treated as though we are children weeping about bruised knees when our hearts are breaking, when our dreams are dying. A kiss will not make all things better but a little sympathy will go a long way. A little empathy could heal.
I often pray to God, “Lord, I know I have no idea what I am asking for, but give me a wife.” I am aware that “those who marry will face many troubles in this life” (1Cor. 7:28) but there are joys in marriage as well. It would be one thing if the longing of singleness was pain free, but it is not. The joy of singleness is tinged by the longing just as the wonder of marriage is marred by the sinfulness of its members. None of us are exempt.
What the single asks of their counselors is some sympathy—not answers and not rebuke. Be like Job’s counselors in the first seven days and nights of their visit. It was a remarkable tale of compassion and love, until they opened their mouths.
We are told that when they “heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him.” Please meet by agreement and come sympathize with us. Come comfort us.
“When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was” (Job 2:11-13).
We are all wounded, both married and single alike. We are all in need. But sometimes when a single person stretches out their hand it is rebuffed as though what they ask is too great. It is not. We have a need to mature but there are many immature and foolish husbands and wives. No. What we ask is reasonable. Our wounds are real and our sorrow legitimate. Come and for once say not a word but simply see how great our suffering is.
We know that the single life provides opportunities. We know that we have more time and freedom. We know that God loves us. We know! WE KNOW! Now sit with us. Quietly allows us to mourn. If you are wired in such a way that empathy comes easily, mourn with us, weep with us. Some of my dearest friends have shed tears not for their pain but for mine. Then, rather than the separation, the ambiguity drew us closer.
Ambiguous loss can isolate us and insensitivity on the part of our counselors can drive us even further into our shells. Of course we may occasionally need rebuke. We may OFTEN need rebuke. But let that rebuke come AFTER the seven days sitting with us, quietly showing that you understand how great our suffering. We will do the same for you because we are all suffering in one way or another. We all need good counselors who can sit with us and just be.
If you suffer the discomfort of finding you do not know what to say—say nothing. It’s okay. If you find yourself powerless to change the situation, just be. Inestimable is the power of a sympathetic look, a hug, and silence. Who knows what tomorrow will hold. Who knows but that all the simple answers are true. It is not that we don’t need to hear them it is just that sometimes we need a hug more than an answer, silence more than words.
Oh yes, while we may tire of hearing it, deep down, we need to hear from you that we are valuable and—a “good catch.” Oh, we will fuss. It does get old considering being a “good catch” has not paid off. In some ways it adds to the frustration because it makes the delay all the more inexplicable. But it is like rain on dry ground—it takes time to soak in. Speak life with gentle loving words after silence has softened our soil. And if it appears we have neither heard nor listened—we have, and thank you.
Hudson Russell Davis was born on a small Island in the West Indies called Dominica, and this is only one reason he does not like cold weather and loves guava. He is a graduate of James Madison University with a B.A. in Graphic Design and earned a Masters in Theology from Dallas Theological Seminary. Currently he is a Ph.D. candidate at Saint Louis University studying historical theology. Hudson has worked as a graphic artist and worship leader but expresses himself through poetry, prose, photography, and music. His activities are just about anything outdoors, but tennis is his current passion.
Got feedback? Send your comments and questions to Hudson at hudsondavis@streamsinthewilderness.com. If you don't hear back within a few days' time, please try again. Hudson would like to respond to all reader feedback.
Hudson Russell Davis
Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
“They sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.”
— Job 2:13
The trouble for the beleaguered single is that their specter is ephemeral—it lacks substance, lacks shape, and lacks form. It is a shadow; a longing and expectation fueled by desire and sustained by hope. It is as difficult for the single to explain their sorrow as it is for some of our comforters to understand. It is a loss that is not a loss, an ambiguous loss.
I found myself suffering from a heartbreak several years ago while working in ministry. I shared my ministry duties with another leader whose wife had a miscarriage. He took some time off, and I filled in. I was miserable, hurting, wounded and my smile was pained and unconvincing. I was rebuked for my “unwillingness to die to self” and my colleague was comforted in his time of loss.
I took the rebuke and pondered the truthfulness of the charge. I wondered what it is to die to self and what it is to mourn. Are the rules different for those in ministry? Are the rules different for the single Christian? To smile and pretend all was well seemed hypocritical to me. But to wear my heart on my sleeve may be equally inappropriate.
Before someone says, “You cannot compare the death of a child to a heartbreak!” yes I can. They are not the same, not equal, not close in measure, but they can feel the same—like death. What is important is not our idea or categories of tragedy but the reality of suffering. Each person has his or her moment of deep sorrow and each person suffers differently. The same compassion was not extended to me because what I suffered appeared trivial. I am sure I would mourn a miscarriage over a heartbreak but I did not suffer a miscarriage. I suffered a heartbreak and the pain was very real, very deep, and profoundly crippling. It was a loss that was not a loss, an ambiguous loss.
In Ambiguous Loss, Pauline Boss wrote, “… meaningful connections can’t happen if people in the community never validate ambiguous loss as a traumatic loss” (79). That is inescapably true. The single does not want separate, special treatment. They want equal treatment. They want an understanding that while a mother has many problems to deal with, the heart of a single woman also needs care. Yes, many married women muse that single women are “lucky,” but single women crave that burden of children.
What ambiguous loss can do is isolate. It not only isolates singles from singles but singles from married in the church. This is true because we are all so prone to see our problems as great and the pains of others as menial. That’s why it is easy to say, “Snap out of it!” or “You need to die to self.” It all seems so easy from the other side. There is the miscarriage of a child but what about the miscarriage of the hope for children? What about the death of dreams?
It is a kick in the stomach to be treated as though we are children weeping about bruised knees when our hearts are breaking, when our dreams are dying. A kiss will not make all things better but a little sympathy will go a long way. A little empathy could heal.
I often pray to God, “Lord, I know I have no idea what I am asking for, but give me a wife.” I am aware that “those who marry will face many troubles in this life” (1Cor. 7:28) but there are joys in marriage as well. It would be one thing if the longing of singleness was pain free, but it is not. The joy of singleness is tinged by the longing just as the wonder of marriage is marred by the sinfulness of its members. None of us are exempt.
What the single asks of their counselors is some sympathy—not answers and not rebuke. Be like Job’s counselors in the first seven days and nights of their visit. It was a remarkable tale of compassion and love, until they opened their mouths.
We are told that when they “heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him.” Please meet by agreement and come sympathize with us. Come comfort us.
“When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was” (Job 2:11-13).
We are all wounded, both married and single alike. We are all in need. But sometimes when a single person stretches out their hand it is rebuffed as though what they ask is too great. It is not. We have a need to mature but there are many immature and foolish husbands and wives. No. What we ask is reasonable. Our wounds are real and our sorrow legitimate. Come and for once say not a word but simply see how great our suffering is.
We know that the single life provides opportunities. We know that we have more time and freedom. We know that God loves us. We know! WE KNOW! Now sit with us. Quietly allows us to mourn. If you are wired in such a way that empathy comes easily, mourn with us, weep with us. Some of my dearest friends have shed tears not for their pain but for mine. Then, rather than the separation, the ambiguity drew us closer.
Ambiguous loss can isolate us and insensitivity on the part of our counselors can drive us even further into our shells. Of course we may occasionally need rebuke. We may OFTEN need rebuke. But let that rebuke come AFTER the seven days sitting with us, quietly showing that you understand how great our suffering. We will do the same for you because we are all suffering in one way or another. We all need good counselors who can sit with us and just be.
If you suffer the discomfort of finding you do not know what to say—say nothing. It’s okay. If you find yourself powerless to change the situation, just be. Inestimable is the power of a sympathetic look, a hug, and silence. Who knows what tomorrow will hold. Who knows but that all the simple answers are true. It is not that we don’t need to hear them it is just that sometimes we need a hug more than an answer, silence more than words.
Oh yes, while we may tire of hearing it, deep down, we need to hear from you that we are valuable and—a “good catch.” Oh, we will fuss. It does get old considering being a “good catch” has not paid off. In some ways it adds to the frustration because it makes the delay all the more inexplicable. But it is like rain on dry ground—it takes time to soak in. Speak life with gentle loving words after silence has softened our soil. And if it appears we have neither heard nor listened—we have, and thank you.
Hudson Russell Davis was born on a small Island in the West Indies called Dominica, and this is only one reason he does not like cold weather and loves guava. He is a graduate of James Madison University with a B.A. in Graphic Design and earned a Masters in Theology from Dallas Theological Seminary. Currently he is a Ph.D. candidate at Saint Louis University studying historical theology. Hudson has worked as a graphic artist and worship leader but expresses himself through poetry, prose, photography, and music. His activities are just about anything outdoors, but tennis is his current passion.
Got feedback? Send your comments and questions to Hudson at hudsondavis@streamsinthewilderness.com. If you don't hear back within a few days' time, please try again. Hudson would like to respond to all reader feedback.
Admonitions Concerning Obedience
Admonitions Concerning Obedience
The Word of God is full of verses which connect faith with action. For example, we are admonished to do the following:
Continue in the faith.
"If ye continue in the faith grounded and settled, and be not moved away from the hope of the gospel"
(Colossians 1:23). "Take heed unto thyself, and unto the doctrine; continue in them: for in doing this thou shalt both save thyself, and them that hear thee" (I Timothy 4:16).
Hold fast our profession of faith.
"Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; for he is faithful that promised" (Hebrews 10:23).
Keep faith to the end.
"I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith" (II Timothy 4:7). "Here is the patience of the saints: here are they that keep the commandments of God, and the faith of Jesus" (Revelation 14:12).
Resist the devil steadfast in the faith. "Whom resist steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world" (I Peter 5:9).
Earnestly contend for the faith.
"Ye should earnestly contend for the faith which was once delivered unto the saints" (Jude 1:3).
Keep our eyes on the Author and Finisher of our faith. "Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith" (Hebrews 12:2).
Be diligent in the faith to inherit the promises.
"That ye be not slothful [idle], but followers of them who through faith and patience inherit the promises"
(Hebrews 6:12).
christcenteredmall.com
The Word of God is full of verses which connect faith with action. For example, we are admonished to do the following:
Continue in the faith.
"If ye continue in the faith grounded and settled, and be not moved away from the hope of the gospel"
(Colossians 1:23). "Take heed unto thyself, and unto the doctrine; continue in them: for in doing this thou shalt both save thyself, and them that hear thee" (I Timothy 4:16).
Hold fast our profession of faith.
"Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; for he is faithful that promised" (Hebrews 10:23).
Keep faith to the end.
"I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith" (II Timothy 4:7). "Here is the patience of the saints: here are they that keep the commandments of God, and the faith of Jesus" (Revelation 14:12).
Resist the devil steadfast in the faith. "Whom resist steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world" (I Peter 5:9).
Earnestly contend for the faith.
"Ye should earnestly contend for the faith which was once delivered unto the saints" (Jude 1:3).
Keep our eyes on the Author and Finisher of our faith. "Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith" (Hebrews 12:2).
Be diligent in the faith to inherit the promises.
"That ye be not slothful [idle], but followers of them who through faith and patience inherit the promises"
(Hebrews 6:12).
christcenteredmall.com
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
NFL Week 11 Picks: Express Edition
NFL Week 11 Picks: Express Edition
M.D. Wright
11.12.08
The NFL goes to Thursday Night games at this time of the year, so I have to get my picks out three days earlier. This, of course, increases my likelihood of being erroneous. You don't know who is injured, who's practicing all week, and how that will ultimately affect the games. However, I'm going to give it a go. I have to finish this season strong. My goal is to pick 'em at a .667 clip this year, YE DIIIIIG???
Let's do it.
New York Jets vs. New England Patriots
Gillette Stadium
Foxborough, Massachusetts
*Thursday*
OK, so the Vegas line is NE (-3). Whatever. The Patriots aren't convincing with that 6-3 record. The Jets have been stomping teams even when the game has been close (except their losses, in which they've looked atrocious). That should make Jets' fans nervous, except they're already Nervous Nellies by nature.
The Patriots look like a 40 & Over League at the Y on defense. The Jets run the ball very well and play great defense. I'm picking them, because as I've been saying lately: NEW YORK SPORTS 2008-2009 = COMPLETE DOMINATION.
Call:
NY Jets 24
New England 17
---
Denver Broncos vs. Atlanta Falcons
The Georgia Dome
Atlanta, Georgia
The Broncos are going to get killed the rest of this season with that sieve of a defense. Cutler can't win games alone. They got by last week because the Browns are a weekly Choke-In-Waiting.
The Falcons are for real. Michael Turner should have a FIELD DAY (at least he better, for fantasy purposes) and so should Roddy White (for the same reason hah). Who is going to stop either one of them? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!?!
Call:
Denver 20
Atlanta 31
---
Philadelphia Eagles vs. Cincinnati Bengals
Paul Brown Stadium
Cincinnati, Ohio
The Iggles have proven they cannot get it done in the NFC East. They don't run the ball well enough, and Donovan McNabb just isn't clutch anymore (arguable if he ever was, with his skip-hop throws 3 yards short of the WR). They will handle the Bengals, though. They've put up 40+ points against the sorry teams they've played this year.
Call:
Philadelphia 41
Cincinnati 24
---
Chicago Bears vs. Green Bay Packers
Lambeau Field
Green Bay, Wisconsin
The Bears are still solid, but their defense isn't as good as its reputation has been. The Packers get a lot of INTs/Returned INTs for TDs, but otherwise, they don't scare you on either side of the ball. HOWEVER, Kyle Orton has been a stabilizing force for the Bears' offense and even Rex Grossman played semi-decently vs. Tennessee. Matt Forte will get his 100 yards.
Call:
Chicago 17
Green Bay 13
---
Houston Texans vs. Indianapolis Colts
Lucas Oil Stadium
Indianapolis, Indiana
I hereby give up on the Texans.
Plus, the Colts know they pretty much have to win out in order to ensure that they make the playoffs. They don't HAVE to, but they are going to play like it, while we will all be at home wondering when 1) Andre Johnson is going to skip town 2) Steve Slaton is going to go off in Fantasy after everyone who picked him up TRADES him and 3) We will see Sage-copter again lmao. The Colts' defense is BACK, BTW.
Call:
Houston 14
Indianapolis 31
---
New Orleans Saints vs. Kansas City Chiefs
Arrowhead Stadium
Kansas City, Missouri
The Saints COULD lose this game. The Chiefs have been playing very inspired football of late. This is my upset special of the week. Herm Edwards once again proved last week that he plays to win the game, and they will do that this Sunday.
Call:
New Orleans 23
Kansas City 27
---
Oakland Raiders vs. Miami Dolphins
Dolphin Stadium
Miami, Florida
The Raiders will leave Miami with a tan, a few skrippas and CLAWS in their backs from the Wildcat offense (and less than 150 yards of their own... again. hah.)
Call:
Oakland 2
Miami 17
---
Baltimore Ravens vs. New York Football Giants
Giants Stadium at the New Jersey Meadowlands
East Rutherford, New Jersey
I will admit, I am nervous about this game. Not because of the Ravens' defense; because we've played a half dozen good-to-great ones this season thus far. It's because they have been scoring roughly 35 PPG in the past four weeks -- something that is UNHEARD OF from them. Despite having the stingiest run defense in the NFL, no one has been able to, nor CAN stop the Giants from running it. Even if not for the 160 yards per game that they are accustomed to, they will run it for the sake of running it and put a stranglehold on the time of possession (Giants in TOP = COMPLETE DOMINATION).
Flacco will make mistakes and it will be the difference in the game. But if Ray Rice plays and they break out the Wildcat offense with Troy Smith, watch out. The Giants' defense is particularly vulnerable when the front four cannot get to the QB and they have to blitz, leaving the secondary on islands (although they are BETTER than the haters suggest). The real nervous point is the average-speed LBs who have to cover downfield. Antonio Pierce gets beat deep quite a bit by very good TEs. The Ravens might have something in the works, using Todd Heap. This is going to be a good game. But the Giants will pull it out due to their poise, moxie, experience and the 12th man in East Rutherford.
Call:
Baltimore 17
NY Giants 30
---
Minnesota Vikings vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Raymond James Stadium
Tampa, Florida
The Bucs are the most boring team to watch in the NFL. I almost wonder how they win. Adrian Peterson is going to carry the Vikes for the rest of the season. He's going to possibly broach his single-game rushing record and YES I'm saying that vs. Tampa's defense.
Call:
Minnesota 20
Tampa Bay 17
---
Detroit Lions vs. Carolina Panthers
Bank of America Stadium
Charlotte, North Carolina
0-16, B!!! Jake Delhomme sucks once a month, but he got that out of the way last week.
Call:
Detroit -5
Carolina 34
---
St. Louis Rams vs. San Francisco 49ers
Candlestick Park
San Francisco, California
This game does not warrant mentioning. Neither team has players you even want to see play. However, Head Coach Mike Singletary has the Niners playing hard. That is SOMEWHAT palpable. The Rams have mailed it in after two good games -- they've played two STINKERS in a row.
Call:
St. Louis 6
San Francisco 24
---
Arizona Cardinals vs. Seattle Seahawks
Qwest Field
Seattle, Washington
OK. The Cards do not possess a killer instinct yet. They commit too many silly penalties and turnovers. However, these ARE like your Father's Seabags...
Call:
Arizona 41
Seattle 8
---
Tennessee Titans vs. Jacksonville Jaguars
Jacksonville Stadium
Jacksonville, Florida
If the Jags are EVER going to put a two-game winning streak together, they MUST do it now. They will play their beset game Sunday, while the Titans will finally suffer that loss they've been flirting with the past three weeks.
Call:
Tennessee 13
Jacksonville 16
---
San Diego Not-So-Super Chargers vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
Heinz Field
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
The Chargers stink on defense. Offensively, they can compete with anyone. Philip Rivers leads the NFL in QB Rating, ya know...
However, Tomlinson is only ever going to reach 85% this season with that toe. I just hope he isn't like Deion Sanders after he had turf toe (at the same age, virtually) in 1998. Now that I mention it, the guy who ran by Prime on that play where he injured his toe is dropping passes more often than Braylon Edwards right now. I'll let you look up who that guy is who basically sent Deion's career slowly spiraling downward after a meteoric rise from 1989-1998.
Anyway. The Steelers are smarting (as Hubie Brown would say). The Chargers, along with their ability to seize the AFC West lead and having a chip on their shoulder, will pull this out.
Call:
San Diego 38
Pittsburgh 24
---
Dallas Cowboys vs. Washington Redskins
FedEx Field
Landover, Maryland
*SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL*
The Cowboys will come out with the full arsenal after their bye week. The Redskins have been reeling of late. Clinton Portis lost his lead in the NFL in rushing and I think he's peaked, as far as great games go this season. He may be in better shape, but I don't see Portis being able to keep up this pace, especially since teams have figured out Jason Campbell's tendencies.
I hate both teams, so I have no bent when it comes to the prediction. I just think Dallas has more to prove and are eager to prove it.
Call:
Dallas 31
Washington 23
---
Cleveland Browns vs. Buffalo Bills
Ralph Wilson Stadium
Orchard Park, New York
*Monday Night Football*
Why is this game on Monday Night? Jamal Lewis already said the Browns have mailed in their season... Buffalo is fighting for their playoff life here.
Call:
Cleveland 17
Buffalo 31
---
More later...
M.D. Wright
11.12.08
The NFL goes to Thursday Night games at this time of the year, so I have to get my picks out three days earlier. This, of course, increases my likelihood of being erroneous. You don't know who is injured, who's practicing all week, and how that will ultimately affect the games. However, I'm going to give it a go. I have to finish this season strong. My goal is to pick 'em at a .667 clip this year, YE DIIIIIG???
Let's do it.
New York Jets vs. New England Patriots
Gillette Stadium
Foxborough, Massachusetts
*Thursday*
OK, so the Vegas line is NE (-3). Whatever. The Patriots aren't convincing with that 6-3 record. The Jets have been stomping teams even when the game has been close (except their losses, in which they've looked atrocious). That should make Jets' fans nervous, except they're already Nervous Nellies by nature.
The Patriots look like a 40 & Over League at the Y on defense. The Jets run the ball very well and play great defense. I'm picking them, because as I've been saying lately: NEW YORK SPORTS 2008-2009 = COMPLETE DOMINATION.
Call:
NY Jets 24
New England 17
---
Denver Broncos vs. Atlanta Falcons
The Georgia Dome
Atlanta, Georgia
The Broncos are going to get killed the rest of this season with that sieve of a defense. Cutler can't win games alone. They got by last week because the Browns are a weekly Choke-In-Waiting.
The Falcons are for real. Michael Turner should have a FIELD DAY (at least he better, for fantasy purposes) and so should Roddy White (for the same reason hah). Who is going to stop either one of them? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!?!
Call:
Denver 20
Atlanta 31
---
Philadelphia Eagles vs. Cincinnati Bengals
Paul Brown Stadium
Cincinnati, Ohio
The Iggles have proven they cannot get it done in the NFC East. They don't run the ball well enough, and Donovan McNabb just isn't clutch anymore (arguable if he ever was, with his skip-hop throws 3 yards short of the WR). They will handle the Bengals, though. They've put up 40+ points against the sorry teams they've played this year.
Call:
Philadelphia 41
Cincinnati 24
---
Chicago Bears vs. Green Bay Packers
Lambeau Field
Green Bay, Wisconsin
The Bears are still solid, but their defense isn't as good as its reputation has been. The Packers get a lot of INTs/Returned INTs for TDs, but otherwise, they don't scare you on either side of the ball. HOWEVER, Kyle Orton has been a stabilizing force for the Bears' offense and even Rex Grossman played semi-decently vs. Tennessee. Matt Forte will get his 100 yards.
Call:
Chicago 17
Green Bay 13
---
Houston Texans vs. Indianapolis Colts
Lucas Oil Stadium
Indianapolis, Indiana
I hereby give up on the Texans.
Plus, the Colts know they pretty much have to win out in order to ensure that they make the playoffs. They don't HAVE to, but they are going to play like it, while we will all be at home wondering when 1) Andre Johnson is going to skip town 2) Steve Slaton is going to go off in Fantasy after everyone who picked him up TRADES him and 3) We will see Sage-copter again lmao. The Colts' defense is BACK, BTW.
Call:
Houston 14
Indianapolis 31
---
New Orleans Saints vs. Kansas City Chiefs
Arrowhead Stadium
Kansas City, Missouri
The Saints COULD lose this game. The Chiefs have been playing very inspired football of late. This is my upset special of the week. Herm Edwards once again proved last week that he plays to win the game, and they will do that this Sunday.
Call:
New Orleans 23
Kansas City 27
---
Oakland Raiders vs. Miami Dolphins
Dolphin Stadium
Miami, Florida
The Raiders will leave Miami with a tan, a few skrippas and CLAWS in their backs from the Wildcat offense (and less than 150 yards of their own... again. hah.)
Call:
Oakland 2
Miami 17
---
Baltimore Ravens vs. New York Football Giants
Giants Stadium at the New Jersey Meadowlands
East Rutherford, New Jersey
I will admit, I am nervous about this game. Not because of the Ravens' defense; because we've played a half dozen good-to-great ones this season thus far. It's because they have been scoring roughly 35 PPG in the past four weeks -- something that is UNHEARD OF from them. Despite having the stingiest run defense in the NFL, no one has been able to, nor CAN stop the Giants from running it. Even if not for the 160 yards per game that they are accustomed to, they will run it for the sake of running it and put a stranglehold on the time of possession (Giants in TOP = COMPLETE DOMINATION).
Flacco will make mistakes and it will be the difference in the game. But if Ray Rice plays and they break out the Wildcat offense with Troy Smith, watch out. The Giants' defense is particularly vulnerable when the front four cannot get to the QB and they have to blitz, leaving the secondary on islands (although they are BETTER than the haters suggest). The real nervous point is the average-speed LBs who have to cover downfield. Antonio Pierce gets beat deep quite a bit by very good TEs. The Ravens might have something in the works, using Todd Heap. This is going to be a good game. But the Giants will pull it out due to their poise, moxie, experience and the 12th man in East Rutherford.
Call:
Baltimore 17
NY Giants 30
---
Minnesota Vikings vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Raymond James Stadium
Tampa, Florida
The Bucs are the most boring team to watch in the NFL. I almost wonder how they win. Adrian Peterson is going to carry the Vikes for the rest of the season. He's going to possibly broach his single-game rushing record and YES I'm saying that vs. Tampa's defense.
Call:
Minnesota 20
Tampa Bay 17
---
Detroit Lions vs. Carolina Panthers
Bank of America Stadium
Charlotte, North Carolina
0-16, B!!! Jake Delhomme sucks once a month, but he got that out of the way last week.
Call:
Detroit -5
Carolina 34
---
St. Louis Rams vs. San Francisco 49ers
Candlestick Park
San Francisco, California
This game does not warrant mentioning. Neither team has players you even want to see play. However, Head Coach Mike Singletary has the Niners playing hard. That is SOMEWHAT palpable. The Rams have mailed it in after two good games -- they've played two STINKERS in a row.
Call:
St. Louis 6
San Francisco 24
---
Arizona Cardinals vs. Seattle Seahawks
Qwest Field
Seattle, Washington
OK. The Cards do not possess a killer instinct yet. They commit too many silly penalties and turnovers. However, these ARE like your Father's Seabags...
Call:
Arizona 41
Seattle 8
---
Tennessee Titans vs. Jacksonville Jaguars
Jacksonville Stadium
Jacksonville, Florida
If the Jags are EVER going to put a two-game winning streak together, they MUST do it now. They will play their beset game Sunday, while the Titans will finally suffer that loss they've been flirting with the past three weeks.
Call:
Tennessee 13
Jacksonville 16
---
San Diego Not-So-Super Chargers vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
Heinz Field
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
The Chargers stink on defense. Offensively, they can compete with anyone. Philip Rivers leads the NFL in QB Rating, ya know...
However, Tomlinson is only ever going to reach 85% this season with that toe. I just hope he isn't like Deion Sanders after he had turf toe (at the same age, virtually) in 1998. Now that I mention it, the guy who ran by Prime on that play where he injured his toe is dropping passes more often than Braylon Edwards right now. I'll let you look up who that guy is who basically sent Deion's career slowly spiraling downward after a meteoric rise from 1989-1998.
Anyway. The Steelers are smarting (as Hubie Brown would say). The Chargers, along with their ability to seize the AFC West lead and having a chip on their shoulder, will pull this out.
Call:
San Diego 38
Pittsburgh 24
---
Dallas Cowboys vs. Washington Redskins
FedEx Field
Landover, Maryland
*SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL*
The Cowboys will come out with the full arsenal after their bye week. The Redskins have been reeling of late. Clinton Portis lost his lead in the NFL in rushing and I think he's peaked, as far as great games go this season. He may be in better shape, but I don't see Portis being able to keep up this pace, especially since teams have figured out Jason Campbell's tendencies.
I hate both teams, so I have no bent when it comes to the prediction. I just think Dallas has more to prove and are eager to prove it.
Call:
Dallas 31
Washington 23
---
Cleveland Browns vs. Buffalo Bills
Ralph Wilson Stadium
Orchard Park, New York
*Monday Night Football*
Why is this game on Monday Night? Jamal Lewis already said the Browns have mailed in their season... Buffalo is fighting for their playoff life here.
Call:
Cleveland 17
Buffalo 31
---
More later...
Black Mentors?
Black Mentors?
M.D. Wright
11.12.08
I have been fortunate to have had my father in my life for my entire life. Even now, as I transition (again) from graduating college to moving back to New York and potentially getting married in the not-too-distant future. I've had other mentors such as Minister Terence Franklin, Pastor Kevin B. Lee, financial mentoring by William V. Thompson and a few other family friends who helped me plot out my life. However, not every Black male has that.
One thing that I do see quite a bit is High School coaches or people who are family friends and spot talent/ability in a Black guy who can possibly make it "big" in sports, they'll do whatever it takes to get him through high school, into college and potentially into the pros. You know what? That's great, and a lot of guys in the NFL and NBA have that as a testimony. It's GREAT and it's NECESSARY. But one question persists.
WHY ARE THEY THE ONLY BLACK MALES WHO HAVE MENTORS?
And no, I am not ignoring Black females. For the most part, women have fewer problems reaching out for help from one another or anyone in general and aren't as prone to trying to "go it alone" as men are.
But again, why are Black males lacking mentors in the area of Science/Medicine, Legal Education, Attorneys, Entrepreneurs, Record Label Executives-in-the-making, CEOs of major companies-in-the-making and just learning how to OWN things. That has been my motto all my life. Not everyone is cut out to be an entrepreneur, and indeed, there have to be people who work for those companies (the common myth I hear from people who want to start businesses with the wrong motives is the thought that they will no longer have to "work for someone else" -- not true, you work for your clients and oftentimes twice as hard as you would on ANY job). But I digress.
I am again fortunate that I had people teaching me about the foundational things in life (my father), or real estate (Min. Franklin), leadership/ministry (Min. Lee), financial investing (Wm. Thompson) and I had my coaches who saw my potential to become a great cornerback/wide receiver in football, a great right fielder, due to my cannon of an arm in baseball, and everyone who knows me knows my "J" is lethal, along with my basketball IQ and always being the captain of the teams I've been on. I had options. I still do, because I was given an outlook on life PAST sports. But you rarely hear of Black men who had mentors in areas outside of sports.
I do not seek to answer this question myself. I just want you think about it.
M.D. Wright
11.12.08
I have been fortunate to have had my father in my life for my entire life. Even now, as I transition (again) from graduating college to moving back to New York and potentially getting married in the not-too-distant future. I've had other mentors such as Minister Terence Franklin, Pastor Kevin B. Lee, financial mentoring by William V. Thompson and a few other family friends who helped me plot out my life. However, not every Black male has that.
One thing that I do see quite a bit is High School coaches or people who are family friends and spot talent/ability in a Black guy who can possibly make it "big" in sports, they'll do whatever it takes to get him through high school, into college and potentially into the pros. You know what? That's great, and a lot of guys in the NFL and NBA have that as a testimony. It's GREAT and it's NECESSARY. But one question persists.
WHY ARE THEY THE ONLY BLACK MALES WHO HAVE MENTORS?
And no, I am not ignoring Black females. For the most part, women have fewer problems reaching out for help from one another or anyone in general and aren't as prone to trying to "go it alone" as men are.
But again, why are Black males lacking mentors in the area of Science/Medicine, Legal Education, Attorneys, Entrepreneurs, Record Label Executives-in-the-making, CEOs of major companies-in-the-making and just learning how to OWN things. That has been my motto all my life. Not everyone is cut out to be an entrepreneur, and indeed, there have to be people who work for those companies (the common myth I hear from people who want to start businesses with the wrong motives is the thought that they will no longer have to "work for someone else" -- not true, you work for your clients and oftentimes twice as hard as you would on ANY job). But I digress.
I am again fortunate that I had people teaching me about the foundational things in life (my father), or real estate (Min. Franklin), leadership/ministry (Min. Lee), financial investing (Wm. Thompson) and I had my coaches who saw my potential to become a great cornerback/wide receiver in football, a great right fielder, due to my cannon of an arm in baseball, and everyone who knows me knows my "J" is lethal, along with my basketball IQ and always being the captain of the teams I've been on. I had options. I still do, because I was given an outlook on life PAST sports. But you rarely hear of Black men who had mentors in areas outside of sports.
I do not seek to answer this question myself. I just want you think about it.
Biblical Examples of Obedience
Biblical Examples of Obedience
The Lord commanded Abraham to leave his country and go to a land that was foreign to him (Hebrews 11:8). Abraham did so, thus putting his faith into action. Abraham "staggered not at the promise of God through unbelief; but was strong in faith, giving glory to God" (Romans 4:20). Many years later, God asked Abraham to offer up his son Isaac on the altar. Again, Abraham obeyed, knowing that the Lord was able to raise Isaac from the dead (Hebrews 11:19). Such acts of obedience were counted to Abraham for righteousness (see Genesis 15:6; Romans 4:3; James 2:23).
Abraham's faith was perfected (made complete, not lacking) when he obeyed God. "Was not Abraham our father justified by works, when he had offered Isaac his son upon the altar? Seest thou how faith wrought with his works, and by works was faith made perfect? ... Ye see then how that by works a man is justified, and not by faith only" (James 2:21-24). Like Abraham, we are called to demonstrate our faith in God by walking in obedience to God. This is how we come under Abraham's blessing (see Galatians 3:7-9), for he and his wife Sarah are the spiritual parents of those who have faith: "Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well" (I Peter 3:6).
Jesus perfectly demonstrated a life of obedience. "Who in the days of his flesh, when he had offered up prayers and supplications with strong crying and tears unto him that was able to save him from death, and was heard in that he feared; though he were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered; and being made perfect, he became the author of eternal salvation unto all them that obey him" (Hebrews 5:7-9). While Jesus was in human flesh, He cried out to His Heavenly Father Who was able to save Him from death, yet Jesus submitted His will to the will of the Father (Matthew 26:42). Notice that Jesus was "made perfect" through His obedience. That word perfect means complete, fulfilled, and finished. Although our Lord Jesus was sinless, He was perfected by completing His walk of obedience. In doing so, He became the High Priest and Author of eternal salvation for all those who obey Him (see Hebrews 5:9; I Peter 1:9).
The Lord commanded Abraham to leave his country and go to a land that was foreign to him (Hebrews 11:8). Abraham did so, thus putting his faith into action. Abraham "staggered not at the promise of God through unbelief; but was strong in faith, giving glory to God" (Romans 4:20). Many years later, God asked Abraham to offer up his son Isaac on the altar. Again, Abraham obeyed, knowing that the Lord was able to raise Isaac from the dead (Hebrews 11:19). Such acts of obedience were counted to Abraham for righteousness (see Genesis 15:6; Romans 4:3; James 2:23).
Abraham's faith was perfected (made complete, not lacking) when he obeyed God. "Was not Abraham our father justified by works, when he had offered Isaac his son upon the altar? Seest thou how faith wrought with his works, and by works was faith made perfect? ... Ye see then how that by works a man is justified, and not by faith only" (James 2:21-24). Like Abraham, we are called to demonstrate our faith in God by walking in obedience to God. This is how we come under Abraham's blessing (see Galatians 3:7-9), for he and his wife Sarah are the spiritual parents of those who have faith: "Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well" (I Peter 3:6).
Jesus perfectly demonstrated a life of obedience. "Who in the days of his flesh, when he had offered up prayers and supplications with strong crying and tears unto him that was able to save him from death, and was heard in that he feared; though he were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered; and being made perfect, he became the author of eternal salvation unto all them that obey him" (Hebrews 5:7-9). While Jesus was in human flesh, He cried out to His Heavenly Father Who was able to save Him from death, yet Jesus submitted His will to the will of the Father (Matthew 26:42). Notice that Jesus was "made perfect" through His obedience. That word perfect means complete, fulfilled, and finished. Although our Lord Jesus was sinless, He was perfected by completing His walk of obedience. In doing so, He became the High Priest and Author of eternal salvation for all those who obey Him (see Hebrews 5:9; I Peter 1:9).
Does God Guide or Do We Decide?
Does God Guide or Do We Decide?
Kevin Brennfleck and Kay Marie Brennfleck
National Certified Career Counselors and Life Calling CoachesSM
Bored with his desk job, Glen was thinking seriously about becoming a fire fighter. His wife was deeply concerned about his proposed career change. He took a walk one winter morning, and found a child’s toy in the snow. He picked it up, and was astonished to see that it was a fireman action figure. Although he didn’t usually think thoughts like this, he wondered if God was trying to tell him to go ahead with his plans in spite of his wife’s reservations.
The Dilemma of Decision Making
When we are faced with making a decision about which direction to go with our lives, many Christians aren’t sure how to choose a path to pursue. People may become hyper-sensitive to circumstances as they seek to perceive divine guidance. Or, they may hope others can tell them what they should do.
In our career counseling and coaching practice, we have found that people often resist taking responsibility to make big decisions. Why? Because decision-making can be difficult. There is often a lot at stake. Our decisions have the power to change our lives for the better—or for the worse. Making a decision inescapably means taking a risk. We may fear not succeeding, experiencing disapproval from family or friends, or being ultimately disappointed by our choice.
Also, many people have never been taught specifically how to make decisions, especially decisions about their vocational calling. When we are unsure what criteria to use in choosing a career, for example, we may look primarily at objective factors like salary and benefits, or ultimately make decisions based on our intuition or feelings about the options. We may know that there are other things we should consider, but not be sure what they are.
To further complicate the situation, we want to do what God wants us to do with our lives. So how do we take His will into account when contemplating a career choice or change? Is it up to God to guide or up to us to decide? The key to resolving this dilemma is realizing that it is both: God promises to guide and you are called to decide.
Called to be a Decision-Maker
God certainly can indicate supernaturally which job or career path you should pursue. At times, He may choose to do so. More typically, however, He calls us to take responsibility for making good decisions about how to use our gifts in the world. In the absence of direct supernatural guidance, we need to assume that God wants us to prayerfully and thoughtfully decide which work or ministry/service option is the best choice. “It is possible to pray, read God's Word, seek counsel, and still not feel led by God,” says Dr. Bruce Waltke. “That's the time to rely on sound judgment. God gave each of us a brain, and He expects us to put it to good use.”
Scripture illustrates that even biblical “superstars” like the Apostle Paul saw making decisions to be a natural, normal and necessary part of life. While Paul did receive divine guidance (see Acts 16:7 and 20:22), he and others also made decisions (Acts 19:21, 20:16, and Titus 3:12). Developing the ability to make wise decisions is a critical skill for Christian life and ministry. A track record of making good, biblically-grounded decisions is evidence of spiritual growth and maturity.
Guidance for Your Career Decisions
How can the Bible be helpful to you in making career decisions and other life calling choices today? After all, you won’t find a Bible verse that tells you specifically which college major to choose, whether you should change jobs in mid-life, or which career option will be best for you. In addition, the world of work in biblical times was very different from our own.
In Jesus’ time, for example, most men went into the family business whether it was becoming a merchant, rabbi, carpenter or shepherd. Most women married early, had children and took care of their home and family. “What should I do with my life?” was not a burning question of the time. The biblical world was very different than our own, yet the principles revealed in Scripture for making career and life decisions are still relevant for our contemporary lives.
The Bible plays a critical role in our decision-making by showing us what is important to God. For example, the Parable of the Talents (Matthew 25) clearly illustrates that God calls us to proactive stewardship of our gifts. To apply this biblical principle to making decisions about work and ministry/service activities abilities, we need to ask ourselves a question such as: At this time in my life, how can I best use my gifts, abilities and other resources to further God’s purposes in this world? God gave you your gifts to do His work on earth, not for your own career success and advancement.
God uses His Word to enlarge the frame in which we see our work and our lives, transforming our perspective from the temporal to the eternal. The Holy Spirit within makes it possible for us to understand God’s revealed will and apply it to the specific circumstances of our lives. God can also guide us through the wise counsel of others who help us put biblical principles into practice within the decisions we face.
We partner with God in discerning our calling when we work through a reasoned process of evaluating options in light of Scripture and our design. With each step, we seek God’s guidance in His Word and through prayer. We remain receptive to the Lord’s instruction should He choose at any point to indicate specifically what He wants us to do. When we are willing to be obedient, regardless of what God calls us to do, we become people He can guide and use to fulfill His purposes here on earth.
Kevin Brennfleck and Kay Marie Brennfleck are the authors of Live Your Calling: A Practical Guide to Finding and Fulfilling Your Mission in Life. They are National Certified Career Counselors and recognized experts in helping people identify their giftedness and find their purpose in life. Their websites, www.ChristianCareerCenter.com and www.ChurchJobsOnline.com, feature hundreds of job listings from churches, ministries, and Christian employers; a resume bank; career articles; and a free consultation session for individuals interested in career counseling/coaching and testing to discover work that fits their God-given design.
Kevin Brennfleck and Kay Marie Brennfleck
National Certified Career Counselors and Life Calling CoachesSM
Bored with his desk job, Glen was thinking seriously about becoming a fire fighter. His wife was deeply concerned about his proposed career change. He took a walk one winter morning, and found a child’s toy in the snow. He picked it up, and was astonished to see that it was a fireman action figure. Although he didn’t usually think thoughts like this, he wondered if God was trying to tell him to go ahead with his plans in spite of his wife’s reservations.
The Dilemma of Decision Making
When we are faced with making a decision about which direction to go with our lives, many Christians aren’t sure how to choose a path to pursue. People may become hyper-sensitive to circumstances as they seek to perceive divine guidance. Or, they may hope others can tell them what they should do.
In our career counseling and coaching practice, we have found that people often resist taking responsibility to make big decisions. Why? Because decision-making can be difficult. There is often a lot at stake. Our decisions have the power to change our lives for the better—or for the worse. Making a decision inescapably means taking a risk. We may fear not succeeding, experiencing disapproval from family or friends, or being ultimately disappointed by our choice.
Also, many people have never been taught specifically how to make decisions, especially decisions about their vocational calling. When we are unsure what criteria to use in choosing a career, for example, we may look primarily at objective factors like salary and benefits, or ultimately make decisions based on our intuition or feelings about the options. We may know that there are other things we should consider, but not be sure what they are.
To further complicate the situation, we want to do what God wants us to do with our lives. So how do we take His will into account when contemplating a career choice or change? Is it up to God to guide or up to us to decide? The key to resolving this dilemma is realizing that it is both: God promises to guide and you are called to decide.
Called to be a Decision-Maker
God certainly can indicate supernaturally which job or career path you should pursue. At times, He may choose to do so. More typically, however, He calls us to take responsibility for making good decisions about how to use our gifts in the world. In the absence of direct supernatural guidance, we need to assume that God wants us to prayerfully and thoughtfully decide which work or ministry/service option is the best choice. “It is possible to pray, read God's Word, seek counsel, and still not feel led by God,” says Dr. Bruce Waltke. “That's the time to rely on sound judgment. God gave each of us a brain, and He expects us to put it to good use.”
Scripture illustrates that even biblical “superstars” like the Apostle Paul saw making decisions to be a natural, normal and necessary part of life. While Paul did receive divine guidance (see Acts 16:7 and 20:22), he and others also made decisions (Acts 19:21, 20:16, and Titus 3:12). Developing the ability to make wise decisions is a critical skill for Christian life and ministry. A track record of making good, biblically-grounded decisions is evidence of spiritual growth and maturity.
Guidance for Your Career Decisions
How can the Bible be helpful to you in making career decisions and other life calling choices today? After all, you won’t find a Bible verse that tells you specifically which college major to choose, whether you should change jobs in mid-life, or which career option will be best for you. In addition, the world of work in biblical times was very different from our own.
In Jesus’ time, for example, most men went into the family business whether it was becoming a merchant, rabbi, carpenter or shepherd. Most women married early, had children and took care of their home and family. “What should I do with my life?” was not a burning question of the time. The biblical world was very different than our own, yet the principles revealed in Scripture for making career and life decisions are still relevant for our contemporary lives.
The Bible plays a critical role in our decision-making by showing us what is important to God. For example, the Parable of the Talents (Matthew 25) clearly illustrates that God calls us to proactive stewardship of our gifts. To apply this biblical principle to making decisions about work and ministry/service activities abilities, we need to ask ourselves a question such as: At this time in my life, how can I best use my gifts, abilities and other resources to further God’s purposes in this world? God gave you your gifts to do His work on earth, not for your own career success and advancement.
God uses His Word to enlarge the frame in which we see our work and our lives, transforming our perspective from the temporal to the eternal. The Holy Spirit within makes it possible for us to understand God’s revealed will and apply it to the specific circumstances of our lives. God can also guide us through the wise counsel of others who help us put biblical principles into practice within the decisions we face.
We partner with God in discerning our calling when we work through a reasoned process of evaluating options in light of Scripture and our design. With each step, we seek God’s guidance in His Word and through prayer. We remain receptive to the Lord’s instruction should He choose at any point to indicate specifically what He wants us to do. When we are willing to be obedient, regardless of what God calls us to do, we become people He can guide and use to fulfill His purposes here on earth.
Kevin Brennfleck and Kay Marie Brennfleck are the authors of Live Your Calling: A Practical Guide to Finding and Fulfilling Your Mission in Life. They are National Certified Career Counselors and recognized experts in helping people identify their giftedness and find their purpose in life. Their websites, www.ChristianCareerCenter.com and www.ChurchJobsOnline.com, feature hundreds of job listings from churches, ministries, and Christian employers; a resume bank; career articles; and a free consultation session for individuals interested in career counseling/coaching and testing to discover work that fits their God-given design.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
My NFL Week 11 Power Rankings
My NFL Week 11 Power Rankings
M.D. Wright
11.11.08
1. New York Football Giants. Yes, the Titans are undefeated, but they are reading their own press clippings and teams are gunning for them. They have come close to losing (but haven't, so give them credit). The Giants have the best rushing attack and no one can touch that, along with the best offensive line in the NFL. They are also the most well-rounded/complete team in the NFL. The Titans are not going to be able to pass the ball when they need to in the playoffs with Collins. The Giants have proven they can (seek 2007 Playoffs).
2. Tennessee Titans. They are 9-0. But this isn't New England 9-0 (neither because they aren't cheaters but it is an uninspiring 9-0, they're not destroying anyone, and they've eeked out their last three wins). They run the ball nearly as well as the Giants and Falcons, and have an EXCELLENT defense, but Collins is STILL their QB. He's going to kill them like he killed us in 2000 in the Super Bowl.
3. Atlanta Falcons. They go this high because they are consistent. Yes, they have three losses, but one of them was directly attributed to the refs (vs. PHI). They don't make mistakes and Michael Turner and Roddy White are playing out of their minds. I thought Ryan was NFL-ready because of the pro-style offense he ran at BC. Trust me, as an FSU fan, I saw it first-hand. The Falcons are no fluke. Mike Vick just did 10 more sets as I typed this paragraph.
4. Carolina Panthers. Jake Delhomme was due for that stinker of a performance vs. OAK (7-27, 72 yds, 4 INT). Although I didn't think he would play THAT bad, he's got one of those in him every 4-5 games. This is why people are not completely sold on them... yet.
5. New York Football Jets. Hey, I'm playing Cee-Lo here. Part of this ranking is banking on their momentum carrying them to a win over New England and sole possession of the AFC East, 10 games into the season. Who saw that coming? The Jets are like a wave in Hawaii in regards to their yearly records. Go back and look at their records from 1995-present.
6. Arizona Cardinals. I don't care if they didn't blow out the 49ers like Vegas wanted (or myself) but they won, and that's all that matters. They have a 4-game lead in the NFC West and are very good. If they win consistently on the road, then you can be convinced.
7. Washington Redskins. Campbell is looking shaky, and I think Portis has peaked for the season.
8. Pittsburgh Steelers. I am reaching by even putting them this high. They stink when they play good defensive teams. All three of their losses came against fast defenses. Doesn't that spell doom for them?
9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ... but you can't discard them.
10. Indianapolis Colts.
11. New England Patriots. You cannot put New England ahead of Indianapolis just based off records. The Colts beat the Patriots head to head and the Patriots are doing it with smoke and mirrors. Smoke and mirror teams don't win. Ask Green Bay last year.
12. Baltimore Ravens. I was tempted to put them at 7, but that will depend upon how they play vs. the Giants this Sunday.
13. Miami Dolphins. WILDCAT OFFENSE!!!
14. Chicago Bears. Hey, even Rex Grossman is playing well right now. The Bears very well could have beaten Tennessee last week.
15. Philadelphia Eagles. They better find out who they are ASAP, because finesse football never wins in the NFC East.
16. Buffalo Bills. They stink right now. Dick Jauron blew the game early on by not challenging a play that would have at least held the Patriots to a FG on their opening drive. It's the little things like that which have kept Jauron from winning and the Bills from getting over the 7-9/8-8 hump.
17. San Diego Chargers. You keep waiting for them to go on a run, but until they play better defensively (obviously NOT Ted Cottrell's fault, but none of his defenses have ever been great, now that I think of it), they aren't going to do anything but win the AFC West with an 8-8 record.
18. Minnesota Vikings. They are always alive with Adrian Peterson and always on the verge of being KILLED by Gus Frerotte's age and INTs/fumbles.
19. Dallas Cowboys. Hard to justify putting them any higher than this. If they lose to Washington on Monday Night they are DONE.
20. Denver Broncos. Their defense is a SIEVE. That, plus Cutler will have off days and they are not going to win more than 7 games. I had them at 6 preseason, so they are overachieving.
21. Green Bay Packers. They score on defense more than on offense it seems. That's not good in the NFL and it's not good as I have Aaron Rodgers in Fantasy Football.
22. New Orleans Saints. The Saints are like the 2003 Rams or something.
23. Jacksonville Jaguars. They finally came back to life after a bizarre week where the best LB on the team gets sent home over nonsense and then brought back before the game. ???
24. Houston Texans. I have given up on them.
25. San Francisco 49ers. Hey, Singletary has them fighting. Just last week he said "you can't play with 'em, can't coach with 'em, can't win with 'em... CAN'T DO IT!"
26. Cleveland Browns. What can Brown do for Romeo Crennel? Ship his boxes back to Richmond or East Rutherford, or wherever he plans to go after getting fired at the end of this season.
27. Cincinnati Bengals. *Hocks and spits on logo*
28. St. Louis Rams. Right when you think they are building, they get smacked by the other New York team. They have given up 88 points to the Giants and JETS in two games.
29. Seattle Seahawks. Sorry to see you go out like this, Mike (not really, I hate Green Bay).
30. Kansas City Chiefs. You go for 2 at the end of the game when you're down 1 because YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME!!! HELLO!!!
31. Oakland Raiders. They showed a pulse this week, hanging with the Panthers whose quarterback actually looked worse than JaMarcus Russell did the previous week (which is VERY HARD TO DO IN THE NFL).
32. Detroit Lions. 0-16 and drafting... you guessed it, ANOTHER WR #1 overall in the 2009 Draft -- Michael Crabtree. Who could make this up???
M.D. Wright
11.11.08
1. New York Football Giants. Yes, the Titans are undefeated, but they are reading their own press clippings and teams are gunning for them. They have come close to losing (but haven't, so give them credit). The Giants have the best rushing attack and no one can touch that, along with the best offensive line in the NFL. They are also the most well-rounded/complete team in the NFL. The Titans are not going to be able to pass the ball when they need to in the playoffs with Collins. The Giants have proven they can (seek 2007 Playoffs).
2. Tennessee Titans. They are 9-0. But this isn't New England 9-0 (neither because they aren't cheaters but it is an uninspiring 9-0, they're not destroying anyone, and they've eeked out their last three wins). They run the ball nearly as well as the Giants and Falcons, and have an EXCELLENT defense, but Collins is STILL their QB. He's going to kill them like he killed us in 2000 in the Super Bowl.
3. Atlanta Falcons. They go this high because they are consistent. Yes, they have three losses, but one of them was directly attributed to the refs (vs. PHI). They don't make mistakes and Michael Turner and Roddy White are playing out of their minds. I thought Ryan was NFL-ready because of the pro-style offense he ran at BC. Trust me, as an FSU fan, I saw it first-hand. The Falcons are no fluke. Mike Vick just did 10 more sets as I typed this paragraph.
4. Carolina Panthers. Jake Delhomme was due for that stinker of a performance vs. OAK (7-27, 72 yds, 4 INT). Although I didn't think he would play THAT bad, he's got one of those in him every 4-5 games. This is why people are not completely sold on them... yet.
5. New York Football Jets. Hey, I'm playing Cee-Lo here. Part of this ranking is banking on their momentum carrying them to a win over New England and sole possession of the AFC East, 10 games into the season. Who saw that coming? The Jets are like a wave in Hawaii in regards to their yearly records. Go back and look at their records from 1995-present.
6. Arizona Cardinals. I don't care if they didn't blow out the 49ers like Vegas wanted (or myself) but they won, and that's all that matters. They have a 4-game lead in the NFC West and are very good. If they win consistently on the road, then you can be convinced.
7. Washington Redskins. Campbell is looking shaky, and I think Portis has peaked for the season.
8. Pittsburgh Steelers. I am reaching by even putting them this high. They stink when they play good defensive teams. All three of their losses came against fast defenses. Doesn't that spell doom for them?
9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ... but you can't discard them.
10. Indianapolis Colts.
11. New England Patriots. You cannot put New England ahead of Indianapolis just based off records. The Colts beat the Patriots head to head and the Patriots are doing it with smoke and mirrors. Smoke and mirror teams don't win. Ask Green Bay last year.
12. Baltimore Ravens. I was tempted to put them at 7, but that will depend upon how they play vs. the Giants this Sunday.
13. Miami Dolphins. WILDCAT OFFENSE!!!
14. Chicago Bears. Hey, even Rex Grossman is playing well right now. The Bears very well could have beaten Tennessee last week.
15. Philadelphia Eagles. They better find out who they are ASAP, because finesse football never wins in the NFC East.
16. Buffalo Bills. They stink right now. Dick Jauron blew the game early on by not challenging a play that would have at least held the Patriots to a FG on their opening drive. It's the little things like that which have kept Jauron from winning and the Bills from getting over the 7-9/8-8 hump.
17. San Diego Chargers. You keep waiting for them to go on a run, but until they play better defensively (obviously NOT Ted Cottrell's fault, but none of his defenses have ever been great, now that I think of it), they aren't going to do anything but win the AFC West with an 8-8 record.
18. Minnesota Vikings. They are always alive with Adrian Peterson and always on the verge of being KILLED by Gus Frerotte's age and INTs/fumbles.
19. Dallas Cowboys. Hard to justify putting them any higher than this. If they lose to Washington on Monday Night they are DONE.
20. Denver Broncos. Their defense is a SIEVE. That, plus Cutler will have off days and they are not going to win more than 7 games. I had them at 6 preseason, so they are overachieving.
21. Green Bay Packers. They score on defense more than on offense it seems. That's not good in the NFL and it's not good as I have Aaron Rodgers in Fantasy Football.
22. New Orleans Saints. The Saints are like the 2003 Rams or something.
23. Jacksonville Jaguars. They finally came back to life after a bizarre week where the best LB on the team gets sent home over nonsense and then brought back before the game. ???
24. Houston Texans. I have given up on them.
25. San Francisco 49ers. Hey, Singletary has them fighting. Just last week he said "you can't play with 'em, can't coach with 'em, can't win with 'em... CAN'T DO IT!"
26. Cleveland Browns. What can Brown do for Romeo Crennel? Ship his boxes back to Richmond or East Rutherford, or wherever he plans to go after getting fired at the end of this season.
27. Cincinnati Bengals. *Hocks and spits on logo*
28. St. Louis Rams. Right when you think they are building, they get smacked by the other New York team. They have given up 88 points to the Giants and JETS in two games.
29. Seattle Seahawks. Sorry to see you go out like this, Mike (not really, I hate Green Bay).
30. Kansas City Chiefs. You go for 2 at the end of the game when you're down 1 because YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME!!! HELLO!!!
31. Oakland Raiders. They showed a pulse this week, hanging with the Panthers whose quarterback actually looked worse than JaMarcus Russell did the previous week (which is VERY HARD TO DO IN THE NFL).
32. Detroit Lions. 0-16 and drafting... you guessed it, ANOTHER WR #1 overall in the 2009 Draft -- Michael Crabtree. Who could make this up???
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