Relationships: Black Women & Black Men -- Why The Dichotomy?

Relationships: Black Women & Black Men -- Why The Dichotomy?
M.D. Wright
12.24.09

***EDITOR'S NOTE: As I write this, I have to explain that this is written from a MAN'S standpoint. And a BLACK MAN'S standpoint at that.

You know, I'm no Dr. Phil (thank God), but I get more questions asked of me daily as if I were. Questions about relationships. I will say this: I am trying to wade through the same BS that you all are and definitely don't have all the answers. People have become so accustomed to "faking it until they make it" and trying to "be who they want you to be" in order to impress others that they don't know how to be genuine and transparent anymore.

I can say for all of my qualities and warts alike, you cannot knock me for not being fully honest and transparent. That goes for every relationship I have from God on down to the same few people I see on the 1 train or the express bus every day and just shoot the s--- with while standing on line.

But this situation is dire. And for all the blither and back and forth that has gone on for the better part of an ENTIRE GENERATION, no progress has been made. If anything, we've REGRESSED. How is this possible you ask? How is it that no other ethnicity out there has such dichotomies in their relationships like Black people do? I don't have all the answers, but what I HAVE observed over the years has yielded quite a few axioms. Let me share:

1. MISS INDEPENDENT MOVEMENT.
For all the progress that Black women have made in the corporate arena, which was both necessary and welcome -- because the world needs their wisdom and unique contribution that no one else can provide. This is not placation nor fluff, these are true stories. The world takes on a different verve and character when Black women put their imprint on the things they are involved with. Just look at TV shows for a minor example. Look at Bennett College in Greensboro, NC. Look at Deloitte, a company based here in New York that has done an excellent job in promoting women who have families but are also business leaders and executives (including Black women). Things would not be the same without Black women present.

But there are things that SOME (not all, certainly) of these women do that alienate them from not only Black men but nearly all men. Why not date women? In some cases, many are starting to ha (I promise I'm going to keep it serious from here on in, but there has been an upshoot in lesbian coming out parties this decade -- but that is for another note, another day). No man wants to hear about all the degrees you have, where you went to school, how prestigious your job is and all your "celebrity buddies" off cuffs. Those are all perks, but if you are your resume, you are not going to get far with any worthwhile men.

These (from hence forward "these"/"they" refer to the SOME, not to those to which this does not apply) types are the very ones who claim about a supposed dearth of good men -- or any men at all. What a flippant statement to make. One parallel I have noticed is the MISS INDEPENDENT types and those of their ilk are usually the status chasers (the High School QB, Point Guard or the bad boy, who passes over 75 "regular dudes" to get to these guys, who have tons of action in their face themselves -- then get upset when they inevitably suffer a let down, and take it out on every man she meets thereafter). Even once she meets and gives a decent, smart, hard/smart-working fellow, he gets her newfound attitude, has her baggage thrust upon him and worst yet, gets to hear her constantly recite her resume to him (since she wants to now date the guy who is the antithesis of who hurt her repeatedly in the past -- his education, job status and income may not even reach hers).

Let me stop there for a second.

Why is it that women claim to be smarter than men, have Women's Intuition and all this nonsense, but never seem to apply it? If you have it, why don't you give a WORTHWHILE gentleman your all instead of your leftovers and baggage? I'm no slouch, sucker, chump or wuss by any stretch. Anyone who knows me knows this. I am disarmingly charming, Type A/Alpha male, strong-minded/willed and a dominant personality -- all while maintaining a gentlemanly demeanor. Hard for many guys to pull off, but I do it and have for years. If the converse of what women claimed were true, shouldn't I have been beating all these so-called qualified women off with sticks for the better part of the last decade instead of dealing with someone's sloppy seconds and Vengeful Vanika on The Rebound?

But I digress.

I could write for hours, but a guy doe snot want to hear your resume after he's met you. He does not need to hear it every time you have a disagreement over cat food. Why does your f'n job and where you went to school factor in something such as whether or not you can cook and clean? IT DOES NOT. KNOCK IT OFF, like Ryan Leaf says here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMe0Rz1frdE (sorry, I can't avoid putting humor into this, it's just a part of who I am ha).

I've had women roll with me when the proverbian gettin' was good -- when I had the 350Z, making good money, flipping it and spending freely. I've had them run out when tough times came and I had to pay for 4 years of school entirely out of pocket and having to sell everything I owned in order to complete my education. Although I did this for ME and ONLY ME, I thought (looking back on all the sacrifices I made just to go back to school -- some of which I am still dealing with to this day) this sort of dedication and perseverance was what women admired? Hmmmm... still comes down to what you have. I remember this one chick, who was all about status, all about material things and what a huge salary she was going to make from her job just because of her education -- she would see me parking my car at UNCG and we'd usually pull up at the same time. She flirted with me every day she saw me. Gave me lifts from the parking lot to my class in HER car (you know I'm no pimp, but I don't turn down offers of service ha), but when I had to sell that car two years later and depleted my savings paying for school, she didn't even know me anymore (and saw me just as frequently).

I'm certainly not pinning all of this on Black women. Not at all. From a materialistic standpoint, that's a universal problem. The thing is, I have YET to have one willing to build with me from where I CURRENTLY am. Oh, I get kind words and this, that and the third, but that's usually from older women or someone spewing out clichés they've heard around church. Never mind the fact that I am working toward some major endeavors that will come to fruition very soon, without the evidence of the success in place, I get nary a notice from MISS INDEPENDENT. But once the success pops off, who will be in my face? Some of self same ones who ignored me these past 4 years.

Why do I interject these two personal scenarios in the previous two paragraphs? Because I know a lot of Black men who are nodding their heads (press "like" RIGHT NOW if you nodded your head while reading that line) as they read this knowing they've been there themselves. The problem is, Black women don't even realize they're doing this many times. Some are malicious, but the majority aren't aware.

2. MISS INDEPENDENT'S PROBLEM.

She's so consumed with herself to realize the deterioration of the relationships with Black men (on all levels, not just dating/marriage) around her. Everything is about her job, her money, her house, her car, her education and reminding you of it all the time. What she fails to realize is that ESPECIALLY in 2009, (and the past 10 years in general) more than any other time, Black women are yielding interviews and landing jobs at a ratio that mirrors the Atlanta Falcons' chance of winning the Super Bowl this year. OK, that may be long odds, but my point is in essence, for every job that comes out and for every 1 job that a Black man lands, 15 Black women will land a job with equal or superior pay than he does; sometimes (especially since 2008) with less education. She is getting jobs that Black men were almost certain to get coming out of college between 1975-2005. Instead of realizing and being mindful of that fact, she goes and puts down Black men who are doing everything they can to keep themselves afloat with very little support, I may add -- when she got the job in SPITE of him, not because he's not "manning up" or "not trying".

As one of my friends, Lauren Carter says, "keep listening to Oprah, and you'll end up just like her (and not the richest Black woman in the US part, but an emotional wreck), keep listening to Tyra and you'll be alone". Why not just cut out the bull and heartache and just date women? That's where we are at this point, right?

All these factors cause strain on relationships that are already propped up with toothpicks as it is. A Black man has few places of refuge in this world. The home was one of the few left outside of the basketball court, football field, the studio booth, the pool hall or the bar (because God KNOWS church isn't the place right now).

I've heard every simpleton's conspiracy theory as to why Black men have begun dating and marrying women who aren't Black. Some of it is mere preference. And YES, one can have a preference that doesn't mirror him nor his mother (DEAR GOD CAN THAT GUILT TRIP OF A LINE BE RETIRED ALREADY???) and not be totally influenced by the media. It CAN be as simple as that. And yes, equally small numbers on the other end of the spectrum ARE self-loathing, image-consumed lackwit buffoons who only care about skin color.

BUT THE VAST MAJORITY COULD NOT CARE LESS.

All this talk about "self-hate", "he must hate his mother, since he doesn't exclusively date Black women", or (my personal favorite) "He's intimidated by my education/success/income" WUAAAAHWAUAHWAUWAWHWAHAWAAAAWAAAAAAAAAAA -- all that nonsense sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher to me. KNOCK IT OFF. To a secure man, whether you have a dollar or 23 million of them matters not. If you don't have the character to sustain you, then who cares? Mind you, insecure men are usually male golddiggers and don't care about character, just as long as you have that guap. Truth is, I can speak for many Black men when I say that "other" women are much more willing to get to know us, are interested and even intrigued to find out what makes us tick (and not talking sexual, curious things), and are generally more accepting of us where we ARE. Now, more than ever, Black women (THE ONES TO WHICH THIS APPLIES -- NOT ALL) won't give an average Black man a fair shot, unless she can see obvious signs that he's going to be rich and/or famous. It's not just trailer trash White women, or no-one-else-wants-them-so-I-guess-so women from India or southeast Asia, or those mixed with other races who don't really fit into one category, or Latinas or whoever -- that are generally more accepting, but truly, today , more than ever, I can say I have female friends from almost every country in the Western Hemisphere and many from across the Atlantic as well. I'm 30 years old and have been many places and met different women. Even in casual settings, with no strings attached, the greeting, incidental conversation is different. Who am I more likely to get a smile and courteous conversation from -- even if it is just to shoot the s---? Whereas, who am I most likely to get the ice grill, cold stares, look-aways like Magic Johnson http://www.livetoknow.com/articles/Magic_Johnson.jpg or even straight up snarls and gnashing of teeth from? Who, then, is most likely to get more attention from me?

I don't care what other guys do. Use your Women's Intuition, some God-given DISCERNMENT and realize who you have in front of you and save the attitude for those who deserve it. I speak for many Black men when I say this. We're sick of it. THE END.

Another side note:

Why do women value sensitivity so much, but are quick to label a guy who exhibits he's not a Neanderthal Man, while certainly NOT gay, but they love hanging around gay dudes? Any non-gay man should cringe and become immediately uncomfortable around that spirit. I will not entertain arguments to the contrary. If you are not gay, you are not comfortable being around gay men for more than a few moments. If you are, you better do some soul searching.

I bring this up, because it will lead me to my third and final point.

3. CHECKLISTS.

All women have laundry lists for what they want in a man. Some keep it short and sweet. Some have quite a few things on the list, but they are foundational things and not superfluous, frivolous, vain, spurious "demands" like MISS INDEPENDENT and much of this current generation has.

Should you not have values and demand chivalry, respect and other foundational things? OF COURSE NOT. If you present a man with THOSE things up front and not your resume, he's bound to respect you more. If he doesn't -- good, you have the freedom to cut your losses and move on without going down the valley with him like so many young knucklehead females incessantly do.

But what happens nowadays when you meet a lot of these 20-30 somethings nowadays? "I want this". "I want that". Almost none of them even have a concept of cooking nor cleaning. These are not "women's JOBS", but rather ways of expressing your love and care for your man. Even if you're under your parents' roof and you serve your father or even brother that way, it speaks volumes about your character, not because it is a woman's JOB, nor something to be deemed as insulting or demeaning.

I would go on a tangent about what "submission" means. But Submission and Subservience are NOT synonymous. Why, then, do MISS INDEPENDENT types cringe at this? I'll let YOU answer that, while you formulate your response with the following axiom in mind: THE MAN IN THIS CASE HAS THE PURE, GODLY FORM OF SUBMISSION IN MIND -- not the negative one that many are accustomed to.

DISCUSS.

While you ruminate upon that corollary, consider this as well: women -- Black women more so (as it can be substantiated and proven) are quick to have "deal breakers" and "must haves" over silly things. Dig in their closets enough and you'll wonder how they could ever be so finite about what a man can or cannot be to her when she has just as many slip-ups in her past. Quick to write off a man because he logged a misdemeanor when he was young and at folly. What about you and sleeping with half the football players and basketball team when you were in high school -- YOUNG AND AT FOLLY? What if he wrote you off after finding that out? Or to have the fact that you had a child out of wedlock during that same period of your life?

I hear women constantly saying there are no good men left. Some are resorting to dating gay men (W. T. F.) I'm not getting started on that, but once again, the very women who scream the loudest about this usually have the longest laundry lists of "must haves" and "dealbreakers" and usually are also the ones passing over good men left and right to pull a Brian Dawkins and leap over to snatch the cash cow that is running by them in the process.

I'm gonna end this one bluntly and I don't care if you get upset with me and defriend me for it -- as a matter of fact, if you don't like it, TURN OFF YOUR STATION AND PLEASE DELETE ME --

Stop blaming everything that is going wrong in your relationships on Black men. Remember, sometimes it's YOU. But if you never take a look in the mirror and realize how detestable you have become, you'll never realize it.

But those of you who have the most things on your "list" and have all these Death Penalty Deal Breakers are almost NEVER reaching the level YOURSELVES that you expect from a man. Successful women who have made it and are really truly doing something substantive don't have the time to construct all these cockamamie lists that have little to do with anything lasting long-term. Show me one who does and she's either willfully or, as a result of the lists -- ALONE.